What's wrong with telling a child they're "gifted"

[EyeOfNewtToeOfFrog]

Just wondering, really.

I know most people are dead against it, but how do parents then explain to DC why they are so different from their peers? The kids are not stupid (by definition!) :o so they are aware of being different/academically miles ahead.

you bastard, nearly choked on my coffee/spat it on keyboard.

as to the question... erm pass, for now at least.

(hope you take that with the spirit that it was intended...

Pass me the cloth when you're done wiping up, blackeyedsusan.

Telling a child that they are gifted can make them big headed and arrogant. Some children in that sitatuion actually under achieve because they under estimate their need to work at school or their confidence is thrown when they do come across something difficult. The book Nutureshock explains this better.

www.amazon.co.uk/Nurtureshock-Everything-Thought-About-Children/dp/0091933773

Being "gifted" is all relative. My son is on top table for everything in his state primary, he is more able than his classmates, but he is not gifted. Being level 5 in maths at ten years old is better than average, but within the bounds of normal achievement. There are children of his age who have passed GCSE or A level maths and they are gifted.

It is much more effective to praise a child for working hard. A child has no control over how "clever" they are.

I think a child with major special needs can work out that some children are clever than others without being told. A child at the other end of the IQ spectrum does not need an explanation of why school work comes easily to them.

Because telling a child they are 'gifted' implies by definition that they have been given something where another child has not. Which implies that that child is superior or more worthy. And that's not a nice thing for a child to feel.

Apologies if you had to get changed before the school run!

Let me know if an answer surfaces.....

LilyBolero - what about the fact that the child intuitively knows they're cleverer than others? How do you deal with it as a parent (as you surely should) - if you don't call a spade a spade, and ensure the child understands they may be better at some subjects, but that does not mean they're better as a person?

The word "gifted" should not be used but it is important to explain to a "gifted" child that their brain sometimes works as if they are older and this is why they sometimes feel different from their peers.

It is even MORE important to explain to the child that this is not something to be talked about to classmates, used to boast, appear superior to classmates, etc. Modesty re achievement should be encouraged from a very early age, as should the recognition and praise of the achievement of others. A lot of the negativity surrounding giftedness can be avoided if this is done from the start.

'Yes you are very good at maths/music/languages/schoolwork. If you continue to work as hard as you have been doing, then maybe one day you will be able to be a professional mathematician/violinist/translator/whatever job you want.'

Absolutely no need to put them in a 'gifted' box. You don't need to deny reality, just don't fetishize it, and the term 'gifted' does fetishize it IMO.

Mind, I'm not saying it's never useful. DH was assessed as gifted at maths as a child, which was useful when he went on to have a teacher who thought he was rubbish at it because he didn't show his workings (or some such silly reason).

If you are told you are gifted... you tend to get a bit lazy and stop studying so hard.

I certainly did this... didn't revise for my GCSE's at all, still got good grades, but could have excelled if I had actually put any effort in.

I really hate the word "gifted "
My son was identified as "g&t" for English and maths in yr 5 ( he is now 12)
One of his class mates was identified as g&t in yr6
We have never felt the need to shout about it, and for a while it had a bit of a negative impact as DS thought he did not need to work as he was so "gifted"
We had to sit him down and talk about always working 100% at everything regardless of the g&t thing and to be fair, he works very hard in secondary

The mother of the other DC told everyone at school her child was g&t ( quite poss everyone in the world as it was all over FB and twitter:) )

She also told her DC that as he was so gifted he would get in to QE boys, therefore they stopped studying and he did not get in, he was devastated and she ran around shouting "don't they know my son is gifted and talented,?

It was not a good situation for anyone

My son was told he was a gifted mathematician (not by us).
He hated it. He said it sounded dismissive 'well you are just gifted so it is all a piece of piss'
He also thinks 'gifted' sits very close to 'sensitive' and is a short step from 'geek' and the long and lonely road to 'freaky maths weirdo'

I am not agreeing with him. Just telling you how he articulated it

Serious answer
www.ccsf.edu/Campuses/Downtown/scientific_american.pdf

If children associate acheivement with being clever / gifted rather than effort then when they are faced with something challenging they may give up rather that try to work it out because they believe that if they can't do something its because they are not clever or gifted enough.

What does "gifted" mean? Is it what used to be called bright?

Nearly everyone at Cambridge was top of their class, top of their school etc etc. We were all bright but very few of us ever did any original work. There were a few real standouts but, realistically, nowhere near as many as post on these boards. I think the problem with being labelled gifted is you almost inevitably set yourself up for disappointment later.

Denj33 I wish I could have witnessed that.

I can think of a couple of people who would do the whole FB/Twitter/National press thing if their DC were identified (They wouldn't be identified, BTW, the children are above average but there are several in the year brighter). I guess that's why my DC's school don't formally tell parents.

Lots of reasons why not to. Can people come up with good reasons to.........

I think the chances are that saying it will more likely bring problems than not saying it. I would not.

Reasons to, iggly2? Nah, I'm just not that kind of person. Dadatlarge, however, probably told all of his brood when "He realised that ALL of his kids are gifted!" or whatever that thread was. Remember it?

One reason not to say "you are gifted" to your child is that it presents such a simplified picture of their good ability. As if it were a uni-dimensional extra "thing" in their make-up, like a sixth finger, that made them unvariably different from other children.

When in fact high ability is multi-factorial -- a consequence of the interplay of several different features of their brain, mind, personality, environment, developmental speed, level of interest. All of those are going to affect their life differently at different times, making them sometimes and in some ways more different from their peers, and other times and in other ways less different from their peers. A grossly simplified picture is going to saddle them with a inflexible self-image.

It's particularly daft to do this in the cases where "gifted" just means the schoolspeak version of giftedness -- i.e. in the top several percent. Why ask them to self-define in terms of this comparative definition any more than you would expect them to self define as being in the second or the middle or the second-lowest percentage-group for ability.

It never ceases to amaze me what a fetish people make of high ability.

my dd knows she is a bit different and always has done,we told her after her assessment(which e had done primarily due to issues at school) that she was born with a brain that makes her think about things a bit differently to other people sometimes but also that she has a good brain that will help her to be good at things if she tries hard.
We asked the Ed psych who carried out the assessment about wether or not to tell dd and he advised it can be helpful to and in our case i believe this to be true,dd is more at ease with herself and i her confidence has increased also.
We were offered press and turned it down as i did not believe it would achieve anything positive for dd.
I should add we have never told dd she is gifted as such.

A student told me he was gifted today. I told him to go home and work on his spellings. I always tell them it's 1% inspiration, 99% perspiration. So shoot me.

Reallytired - I think what you're describing is often the case when the issue of giftedness hasn't been properly dealt with and the children have just been left to work it out for themselves, and I think a sensitive/sensible parent should actually help the child deal with these issues. Therefore I disagree with "A child at the other end of the IQ spectrum does not need an explanation of why school work comes easily to them."

flamingtoaster - completely agree

TunipTheVegemal - I'd never thought of the "fetishisation" of giftedness, but I can see you're right!

MotherPanda - doesn't giftedness itself tend to make you lazy? (=i.e. not develop the right studying skills, because everything is so easy). IME knowing or not knowing doesn't in itself help you work out the solution. I'm hoping HOW you talk about it to your DC will though.

Denj33 - PMSL!! Just prizeless. Wish I'd seen it too. That's kinda what I'm getting at.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude - brilliant link, thanks. I've been wanting to read Dweck for a while. But telling your DC about giftedness is not same as not emphasising the need to work hard & put effort in, is it?

iggly2 - on a personal level I can say the boost to confidence and relief at having a valid, positive reason for feeling so different from everyone justified my choice to tell DD1 (albeit in hind sight! I had planned not to, but someone else let the cat out of the bag and TBH I am now glad they did). DD1 (7, Y3) went through a hellish time in KS1, we had her tested as school were convinced there was something wrong with her. Especially for girls I think it's important to know they ARE capable of high achievement, as they lose confidence in their own abilities so easily IMO.

larrygrylls - gifted and bright are two different things

Iamnotminterested - I remember that conversation! :) I think it was DAL's swanpost - he's not been around since, has he?

CatalieSisters - against my expectations, I think you are talking complete sense there :) what a great answer! We talk of "high learning potential" - because it's just that: potential to achieve, not achievement itself.

mrsshears I think you've been very sensible, and I know exactly what you mean about DC being more at ease and confident. Such a relief after all the problems and issues, isn't it?

lagrandissima - can you come and teach in my DD's school please?

Surely discussing the issue openly and matter-of-factly, and teaching DC an appropriate way of handling the various aspects of giftedness will help DC develop a realistic and positive self-image and be sensitive to the fact that other people may find learning harder (and other aspects of life easier!).

Clearly there are helpful and unhelpful ways of presenting the issue to the DC (Facebook and Twitter are perhaps best avoided), but personally I think there are equally big problems in store for a gifted child if the issue is just swept under the carpet and the child is encouraged to think they're "just the same as everyone else".

The most successful (happy) gifted people I know are those that have never been told. This is of course anecdotal.

Also a happy/successful outcome I feel can only be declared later on in life (eg when they are happy with their lives/jobs/familes....). There are lots of other ways to develop a positive self image. I think most people are capable of high acheivement in many fields with appropriate effort and dedication.

Iggly2 - equally, the most miserable & unsuccessful (career, family, general happiness) gifted people I know are those that were never told (as children). Doesn't prove much apart from there being a great diversity of people out there!

With regard to other ways of promoting a positive self image, of course there are lots of other ways of doing that, but how would you then address the issue of giftedness with the child? How would you honestly explain why and how they are different and able to study on a different level from their peers?

BTW - I agree the term gifted is not great (worse still, the term G&T but it's the best we've got) and would ideally use different terminology to discuss it with the child. Our school print it on the letters they send home, though .

"equally, the most miserable & unsuccessful (career, family, general happiness) gifted people I know are those that were never told (as children). "

The above quote implies they were maybe told as adults. So.....

Does this mean they were told: "You are unhappy, but, did you know you are gifted so actually you could have done this, this and that......"

Surely that is awful and part of the reason not to tell. There is the danger they will be disappointed in themselves.