How fat (big) would your 3yo have to be...

[MascaraOHara]

..before you were concerned enough to see a HV/GP?

How about the old - you can have a biscuit and a slice of apple - rather than a straight no. Is harder for her to react with a tantrum!

On the 'It could make you fat level' I think I would explain about health benefits of other foods versus chocolate. Saying you don't want to be fat do you, makes 'fat' a bad thing - which i tricky particularly with girls who do go through tubby stages. I think the issue with eating disorders isn't how fat is fat, its more I feel fat and that is a bad thing. iykwim . I have to say I adore my parents and don't resent the weight issue - that is my doing , however the other killer is a different treatment of siblings which was I think the root of my problem.

sorry hmc - our posts crossed - am a slow typer!

See what you mean about explaining healthy to your dd - you could always terrify her by telling her chooclate makes your teeth fall out! The stuff of nightmares!

"the issue with eating disorders isn't how fat is fat, its more I feel fat and that is a bad thing"

yes, that makes sense... but then society is going to tell our children that (that fat is a bad thing). Aren't almost all eating disorders much more complex than not wanting to be fat (psychological, emotional stimuli to them)?

lol ark - then she might have to go to the dentist rather quickly. That would be a disincentive!

i think eating disorders can be more complex than that. I wouldn't have described myself as having an eating disorder when I was a teenager but yet aged 16 I weight 4 st 7 lb I had zero concept of what healthy was but a fairly broad concept of what fat was. I didn't think I was fat but had a morbid fear of being so!

As I said I would never blame my parents for this, however when you are in that state it is an easy crutch to fall back on! And not something I would want to her from any of my kids. After some harsh words from a dr I attempted to put that weight back on, all I remember from that period was a lot of people reminding me that I wouldn' want to get too big! ffs! I do not recall any bad words about being too thin except for the dr. I guess things have change now eating disorders are far more broadly discussed. I do not think that the word fat should never be discussed however its context and relation to food should be very carefully looked at. There are many reasons why eating lots of fatty foods are bad for you - not just because they make you fat!

At 16 you weighed only a stone more than my 3yo!

My friend who studied pyschology once said that it anorexia/bullemia are more about control than 'being fat' and are often seen more in people who feel/felt out of control during periods in their life, not a very good relay of the message but i hope ykwim

It wasn't intended as criticism, hmc. It was simply my feeling, on the basis of five years of talking to pre-teen girls, that saying to a toddler, "Don't eat x, it'll make you fat" may fall victim to the law of unintended consequences because:

a) it teaches girls that fat is automatically bad. Yes, society will tell them that anyway, but when your perfectly normal 7yo is pinching at the folds of skin that form on her tummy when she sits down in the bath and going, "God I'm so fat, I hate myself", you may find yourself not wanting to reinforce that idea.

b) it encourages children to think that anything that doesn't make them fat is okay. Personally I'm no more enthusiastic about the children drinking diet coke than the full-sugar version. And don't get me started on teenage girls and the use of cigarettes as a diet aid.

Just a thought.

are 7 year olds really concerned about weight? I'm sure I wasn't when I was that old - I have no friends with children that age but can imagine that it is the case these days.

frogs - I didn't really take it as a criticism and I welcome a different perspective on it to mine

Mascara - that does make sense in my case - I suffered with epilepsy as a child and have always felt a strong desire to control things/myself. I feel so sad when I hear about young children describing themselves as fat I was lucky to have a strong support network to get me to the otherside of what I will always describe as my weight wobble! Its peculiar because as much as I remember my family being negative about fat I always felt loved and nurtured for who I am. Funny how memories don't add up when you actually stop to think about your childhood!

Such thorny issue, perhaps the answer is to jus go with your gut reaction in a given situation and not worry so much aboput the what if she is fat issue! HMC is right there are so many pressures outside the home. If weight becomes an issue you should deal with it then rather than trying to pre-empt a situation.

Sadly, yes, MoH, they are. I don't think my dd is seriously concerned, but it's "out there" in the culture, IYSWIM. I've tried to balance this by lots of discussions explaining that everybody is a different shape, and as long as you eat a healthy diet and take plenty of exercise you won't go too far wrong, and that subsisting solely on apples would be just as unhealthy as eating only chocolate.

But it is a very powerful issue, and not just among girls -- my 6yo ds went off in a hysterical tantrum only yesterday 'cos dd1 told him he had a fat bum (he's built like a piece of string).

eek.

sorry but I couldn't help smiling at the tantrum over a big bum.

Hmmm. Fat, in the family where I grew up, was considered the absolutely worst thing you could be. When I started putting on weight and getting 'a bit fat' at around eight, it suddenly slammed down Issues for me which, at 42, I still struggle with. (I am not, as it happens, particularly fat.) But I really, really, don't want to inflict the same incapacitating self-hatred and misery on my daughters. I wouldn't touch the F-word.

My sentiments exactly, MI, but more succintly put.

Oooh, thank you - I didn't feel very succinct, as I think this pushes my buttons just too much. I do wonder what I will do if and when my currently very thin daughters pork out a bit.

M O'H,
Just to add my tuppence worth - is there any way of putting your dd off McD's if ex-partner won't stop taking her there? I definitely don't mean saying anything about her current appearance but perhaps just saying how unhealthy the food there can be and that it should be saved for a special treat and perhaps she should ask her Dad to take her somewhere else usually or give her something else to eat? Sorry, not sure how old she is but worth trying to speak to her rather than her father or grandparents?

hi there MascaraOhara my dd2 is 3 and has always been quite big and when she was smaller we nicknamed her bubbachubba (do not ask me where that came from!!!) Anyway my HV was in last week and she had a developmental check and she weighed her and said she was fine and healthy, she said although very big and chunky for her age she was not worried and said it was nice to see from some of the smaller children she sees

And this serve me rights - last night I bent over towards dd, she grabbed the roll of my tummy, one hand either side of my belly button - pulled with all her might and said

"Mummy you've got a fat belly, why is your belly so fat? nanna hasn't got a fat belly, mummy why is your belly fat?" by the time she had finished her sentence she was needing her fingers into it and slapping it!

LOL MascaraOHara