How fat (big) would your 3yo have to be...

[MascaraOHara]

..before you were concerned enough to see a HV/GP?

Yes I totally agree on that one tell them that your dd has some problems and you have been taking her to and forth to the Doctors.

She has been on lactulose on and off she she was born, it is only recently that the persistant constipation has stopped so they know that she has toilet troubles (they have witnessed her screaming with pain whilst going) and I have said many times, as Colditz suggested, that this is due to poor diet (so they would think about food) it doesn't help. I have told them to give her xyz, I offered to make her a pack lunch for her father so that he wouldn't take her - he said when he had her he'd do what he pleased and if i made a packed lunch it'd go in the bin and they'd go to McDonalds (he's an arse)

I think I might dig out her red book and see when her next development check-up is (don't know how often these are done) then decide.

I am tempted to ask nursery not to give her a 'sweet pudding' after her main meal there but I don't want her to be 'different' from the other kids.

Well, perhaps you should take her to the doctors / HV - because they might agree that she is slightly overweight, and their clinical opinion backing you up will give you more credibility with your dh and his parents when you insist that they limit treats and junk food.

Btw - I think you are doing absolutely the right thing being aware of this. I've struggled with my weight all my life, and I know that I am much happier and content when slim, but fundamentally disatisfied and cross at the world when over weight.

Society is hugely prejudiced against fat - which is ironic when we are getting fatter as a society.

I am keeping a super watchful eye on my children, and asked dh not to eat cereal in front of dd when he returned from work last night at 19.15 because that meant she wanted some - and she had already had a generous tea.

Thanks, I know I probably sound like a nut but she isn't active, she would much rather 'read' a book than play outside. On the whole I don't mind but if she continues to dislike physical activity and continues to eat the way she does I do worry about her future health and her social wellbeing.

I try to encourage her to do activity, I try to take her swimming once a fortnight and I'm trying to find a dance adn gym class that she could go to (also to bring on her social skills). Thanks for the advice

That's a good strategy (trying to increase her activity rate)

ok.... how heavy / tall is your daughter

(oh and the father sounds like a right nuisuance... poor you (and her!))

MH - really feel for you in this situation, just wanted to say that you refer to your dd as fat several times and wanted to say realy hope that this isn't something you say in front of her or make her aware of at this age. I certainly had this as a child and I would directly link this to under eating/over eating/dieting and constant concern over the past fifteen or so years in me.

I really think if you are concerned go and speak to gp/hv and see if there really is something to worry about. Sounds like a good thing to raise activity levels as well - that can't do ny harm

ps - not trying to get at you - just felt it was important point.

Can't you get to her to stand on the scales and see how heavy she is, measure her height and then compare it with the chart? I think they have a dev. check at 3.5 from memory.

Also what sort of milk are you giving her? I put DS onto semi-skimmed at 2 because the literature said that was OK if they had a good diet which DS did/does. She wouldn't be losing out on the calcium or vitamins only the fat and calories. Also my DS although he is not very good physically (struggling at swimming lesson and not very good at climbing etc) will walk a long way so he can get exercise that way. Think I would be hard pushed to carry most 3yos 100 yards.

Oh NO I would NEVER EVER mention this in front of her. Of course I grab her tummy and blow raspberrys on it but I would never do anything (I hope) that would indicate I thought she was inadequite. We have a bit of a game where dp and her blow there tummys out to see who's is the biggest etc but it's nothing that is harmful, just playful. She's always called pretty and clever and beautiful etc I really believe selfconfidence can determine your path in life.

I only call her fat on here because big, could be misinterpretted as tall/big built/etc she is tall (she wears age 5 to 6 in some of the more trendy shops, she has size 10 feet) but I feel her weight is beyond chubby/puppy fat and I am concerned for her in the longe term. I think there's a fine line though between being concerned and lining your child up (unknowingly) for an eating disorder or some type in later life.

I don't want her to become aware of her weight but i don't want her to become more and more inactive and bigger and bigger. Realistically I don't think she'll ever excel in sport/dance she is big and she's clumsy but if I can encourage her to be active now she might enjoy it more in the future. Gosh that sounds awful doesn't it! I don't mean it to - I'm the same, 5'9 and although I work out I never really enjoyed sports at school and I used to HATE the dance classes my mother sent me to - I am unco-ordinated and don't have much rythem (I see me in her) I always was on the tubby side when I was young and much bigger than my classmates (as she is). I am not trying to put her down in anyway I'm just trying to think of ways to nip it in the bud or help her that would suit her.

Sorry I've gone on a bit

i loathed ballet and tap - which I did for years really found my spot at a drama group. Is not end of the world if kids aren't sporty.

Hope it all works out for youn - keep us posed

Something that I've been dying to say for a while, but haven't dared. Are we really sure that mentioning the 'fat' word infront of a child is really so reprehensible and will lead to eating disorders?

I'll confess, I have said to my 3 year old when she has asked for more chocolate (after polishing off a considerable amount)- to which I have replied "No" and to which she has asked "Why?"-

"Because you might get fat"

I have then qualified with - "You're not fat, you are perfect, but if you eat too much chocolate / sweets / chips you might become fat. It's better to just have a little bit of those things now and then, and mostly eat mummy's 'decent' food. That makes you healthy and strong."

My dd - although only 3, likes an explanation for everything, and I don't think it's harmful to give her the facts, as long as it's a message not too strongly / obsessively delivered (actually it should be 'matter of factly' delivered), and it is in the context of her knowing (and being told) that she is beautiful, clever, lovely etc

I know you could argue that I am teaching her that fat is wrong - I don't personally think it is, but sadly society does, and consequently she will be disadvantaged (perhaps only subtley) if she grows up fat.

There's a big difference between telling someone that eating too many sweets will make them fat, and telling them that they are fat, and indicating that there's something wrong with them because of their weight. The first is common sense; the second is what could potentially leave a little girl with low self-esteem, unhappy with her body, and at risk of some kind of eating disorder.

Mascara has already said that she doesn't tell her dd that she thinks she's fat, anyway.

mascara
I really sympathise about the controlling ex. Mine would have exactly the same sad reaction. But at the end of the day, she is his daughter too, so you have to put up with his parenting input, even if its not good. (3 meals at McD, Id be spitting!! Hasnt he heard of Super Size Me? Maybe you should buy him a copy!)

Can you try to control the situation in a subtle way, ie not let him know that you are so anti McDs, even suggest he should go there cos its easy for him? Or work on dd to ask for something else?

I would definitely put my foot down with the grandparents though. Its really selfish of them to give a child enough sweet things to last a week, and then expect you to keep her healthy the rest of the time.

Must admit though, seeing a HV is the last thing Id do. Unless you could get some medical warning from the HV that your dx would take seriously?

No, I know Mascara doesn't say that to her dd.

Was just checking out what people thought of me saying what I do to my dd!

My mother telling me I was fat when I was a child is one of the reasons that I suffer with low self-esteem and an eating disorder. That's why I will never, ever tell my daughter that she's fat.

I agree, I think if my dd became 'fat' (despite my attempts to artfully manage this) I wouldn't tell her that she was fat, I'd just try to surreptitiously do something about it.

Anyway, the irony is that I manage dd's and ds's weight in a low key way, but am carring excess weight myself. Have decided that the best thing to do is to be a role model for a healthy weight, and am starting Slimming World classes next Monday!

Ballet - yuk! I was about 6 the teacher was horrid and I had to wear baby pink lycra strecthed over my 'big' gut... it's a memeory that has stuck with me.

Though dd loves to watch Stictly Come Dancing so I asked her if she would like to do that - she seemed thrilled so I am looking out for a streetdancing and/or latin/salsa dance class..

Also I'm on the look out for a gym class as I thought it might improve her coordination, meet new friends and encourage her to do things like roly-polys and to go head-over-heal etc

agree Wigwam, I was furious when a rather overweight au pair told my dd that she was fat! which she isnt anyway. The au pair was just transferring her own complexes to dd.

Mascara, sorry about crashing your thread a bit and banging on about my dd when we are discussing yours

Don't apologise - that's what threads are for!!!

besides it's all very interesting.

I'm a bit , actually hmc, about the idea of saying "You'll get fat" to a child. Could you not say, "It's not healthy to eat too much chocoloate/sweets/crisps etc"?

I've been shocked already to see how early children have come back from school with quite adult notions about body image, and I've made a point of counteracting that by trying to get across the idea of healthy lifestyles/balanced diets/exercise rather than the good food/bad food thing that schools seem to promote.

That's been my reaction to seeing how common eating disorders are in teenagers; I certainly wouldn't want my kids to be fat, but I'm just as worried about them getting anorexia or bulimia, and I come down like a ton of horsepoo on comments of the "crisps are fattening" or "my legs are fat" variety.

I worry about it because I'm so aware that children pick up soo much more than we realise.

I have tantrums when we haven't got biscuits in the house. If we are at my parents she asks for a biscuit as soon as we arrive, I say no and then I'm the baddie. If we have tea there she;ll as because my mum always gives her a cup of tea and a biscuit. If I say she can have 1 I get tears because 'nana always gives me two'. Sometimes I think she eats out of habit rather than hunger already!

frogs - my view is:

too many sweets / chocolate do make you fat, so it is a fact, and why artifically shroud that fact?

...also, she is going to work out this causal connection pretty soon (between over-eating, particularly the wrong things)for herself - from a variety of media, and the nation's body conscious / dieting obsession.

Better that she learns this first in a balanced way, set in context by me, I think....

I don't really believe in wrapping kids up too much from life realities.

Just a personal take on the matter

Also frogs, 'fat' is a bit more of a concrete concept to dd at the moment. At 3 years old, whilst good with her communication skills, I think that she doesn't really understand 'healthy' as a concept too well yet (as in your alternative sentence: "It's not healthy to eat too much chocoloate/sweets/crisps etc"? )