alcohol concern ..

[choclab]

I am really worried about my mum , shes been a heavy drinker for many, many years and i now feel its all catching up with her ..
she has been deteriating quickly , and i really think she has liver damage ...

does anyone els have experience with this or give advice ..i feel so helpless ...

she has a long term partner , who also drinks , and i have raised my concerns a few times only to be told im out of order and over reacting ...

im now begining to wonder if he is actually looking after my mum or making her worse ..

thanks

You've posted about your Mum before now haven't you?.

They're both enabling each other and there is nothing you can personally do to make that particular situation change. Their reaction to you in the third paragraph is typical of alcoholics who are more often than not in denial. You cannot hope to even begin to reason with such people.

All you can do is seek support for your own self and talking to Al-anon would be a good start for you. Their literature is also well worth a read.

You have to emotionally detach for your own sake.

You've posted about your Mum before now haven't you?.

They're both enabling each other and there is nothing you can personally do to make that particular situation change. Their reaction to you in the third paragraph is typical of alcoholics who are more often than not in denial. You cannot hope to even begin to reason with such people.

All you can do is seek support for your own self and talking to Al-anon would be a good start for you. Their literature is also well worth a read.

You have to emotionally detach for your own sake.

thank you ,
and yes have posted before about my mum, things have got worse over the past 6 months or so .

im increasingly worried as every time i talk to her shes really not good ,
many symptoms are of a person with liver disease .

shes constantly tired all the time ,
poor sleeping .
forgetfull,confused ,repeating constantly.
not eating ,
bloated stomach ,
blood clotting , issues , vit b dificentcy
depresson.

had the fright of my life when i googled and found theses symptoms out.

i talk to my sister who is long away , she is help as she to is worried .
but i guess unless she want the help ,we are helpless.

i havent seen my GP for advice .
have called AA but no meetings to near to me .

its just so sad to see my mum like this .

bump

So sorry to read your post.

You feel helpless because in terms of your mum's drinking you are helpless. I don't mean that to sound harsh, it is the unbearable reality of having an alcoholic loved one.

It is the most horrible feeling in the world.

My dad was an alcoholic, ultimately it killed him I'm afraid. I remember the earlier days of feeling utterly desperate and wanting so much to make him stop....it used to go round and round in my head the whole time.

At some point you do begin to disengage yoursel from the situation (not sure how I ddid TBH, I think it just happens gradually)

BUT the one thing I do regret now is that me and the rest of the family did not confront him sooner than we did. In the end my mum left him but it was far too late down the line for him to stop (he died 6 months later)

Write to your mum, tell her how you feel, try not to be critical but express your love and worry. I did do this (too late) with my dad. I still have the cards as we found them in the house after he died and I am glad I did tell him how much I loved him and that I wanted the 'old dad' (the non drinker) back again.

It was too late for him but there is every chance it isn't for your mum....write to her - maybe jointly with your sister?

Good luck. Sorry I have not been much help. Post again if you have any Qs X

Hi Muriel , and thank you so much for posting and sharing your experience with me.
Im sorry that you had to loose your Dad that way ,alcohol and the effects it can have long term is awful.

To watch a loved one destroy themselves this way im finding so hard to deal with .

feeling helpless most of the time .
my mum has got worse over the past weeks and months , she has just recently retired ,so now has no desire or need to go out or not drink and do something , for the past week shes been at home with her partner and done very little except drink , i went to see her with DC as they off but she really wasnt interested in them , shes feeling so tired all the time and not really eating ....,all the symptoms i have said before ...
i also rang her yesterday and she really couldnt talk or make any sense ...very upsetting as was only 6.30 i felt so worried i asked to talk to her partner , and questioned him on how she was , reply being shes fine just tired , shes not had a drink for 2 days !!!! and i could tell wasnt to pleased i questioned it ...
and your right its constant going round in my head ..w what kind of outcome will there be ..

may i ask what were your dads symptoms ...(you dont have to answer if you dont want to )

one thing my sister and i are toying with is to writ to her doctor expressing our concern and worry , at least they will then know she does have a family that care ...and may if they dint already know that there is a problem ..she is going to doctors in a weeks time but when i question it she just doesnt want to talk about it .
iv a feeling she isnt telling the truth to me .

sorry so long
thaks again

Visit her GP, don't bother writing. You can always follow up that visit by writing to the GP subsequently.

You need to talk to your own GP as well re your Mother; alcoholism too thrives on secrecy. They will likely tell you the same; unless your Mother wants help she cannot be helped. You cannot save or rescue someone who ultimately does not want to be helped or saved.

Would reconsider taking the children around to see your Mum now, that was not a good idea in hindsight. They and you do not need to see a drunkard parent. Your Stepfather is still enabling her (they are enabling each other) and is in denial himself; all these people are doing to each other is propping up each other's alcoholism. You cannot make them change or see otherwise.

Al-anon are the people to call here and they will send you literature if you cannot go to one of their meetings. AA is the organisation for alcoholics.

Hard as it is you need to emotionally detach from her alcoholism. You are not responsible for your Mum ultimately, only your own self as well as your children.

I'll put up Al-anon's details for you.

You need to remember the 3cs re alcoholism:-

You cannot control this
You cannot cure this
You did NOT cause this

Al-Anon Family Groups UK & Eire

61 Great Dover Street, London SE1 4YF

Confidential Helpline 020 7403 0888
(Helpline available 10 am - 10 pm, 365 days a year)

thanks for advice .(Attila)

I'm sorry you're seeing your mother like this. The tiredness, lack of appetite etc may not necessarily mean liver problems. They can simply be symptoms of heavy drinking.

But, as others here have said, you cannot force her to stop. She's a grown-up. She's allowed to be drunk all day, every day if she so chooses. Her opinion of her drinking is likely very, very different to yours and you won't be able to change her mind until she reaches a point where she wants to change. That's not to say that what she's doing is good or healthy, but she is responsible for her own choices as you are responsible for yours.

The best you can do for you and your children is to realise that you are powerless over her drinking. You need to do whatever you have to do to reduce the emotional impact of her choices on your life. Al-Anon calls this "detachment with love". It's not easy, but it is possible.

I feel your pain as I also have a mother who drinks. She's retired now too and her drinking has got worse. It's not all day, everyday but most days she starts on the whisky at lunchtime and slowly drinks through the afternoon. She doesn't bother with lunch, often skips dinner and falls asleep early evening. Wake up at 4.00am has breakfast and a flurry of activity before starting all over again. She weighs about 6 1/2 stone......

It makes me angry and I try to talk to her but she doesn't want to listen. She makes excuses as to why she does it. In truth, alchohol has always been her means of self medicating any of her problems.

You can talk to her now and then to try to make her see sense as it will make you feel like you have tried.

But in the end, there's nothing you can do. I'm resigned to it now.

thank you ,snorbs and 2old

i know i cant change how she is ...deep down , but i will never forgive myself if i havent tried ...

shes not eating hardly only few mouth fulls a day , its her state of mind im worried about as shes not really with it ..repeating , confusion alot of the time ..

i will call Al-Anon and seek advice for myself as i am finding this hard to deal with .

sorry you to ,2old , are going through this to ...how do you cope ?

thanks for listening .

It's been such a long time - well, on and off all through my life (I'm 45!). I wouldn't say I get used to it but I guess I accept that's the way it will always be.
When she phones up and is obviously 'worse for wear' I get off the phone as quickly as I can.

I DO find it frustrating that I tell her things and she forgets. If she's had a drink I know not to tell her anything important as she won't remember. Trouble is, she sometimes drinks after I've spoken to her and still forgets. She repeats stuff all the time too. She has health issues that she won't address as she won't want to come clean to a doctor about how much she drinks (probably two bottles of whisky a week - she's under 5ft and 6 1/2 stone) so it's a lot for her.

She says she drinks because she's lonely but she's driven people away because of her drinking. And she prefers to be at home so she can drink anyway. It took me a while to realise she drank when we were all at home and she was working. Then she said she drank because her job was stressful!

As I said, it's the way she is and I can't change it. I do nag occasionally and she tries to give up sometimes but I know she'll always end up in the same place.

I know it's hard but you have to learn to step back and accept you can't make her change.

thanks again,

sounds like your a little further on than me with accepting how things have become , i did go through a time like that i guess specially when my DC were small , she really has little to do with them , but in her wibbley world she thinks she does ....

but right now shes worse somehow ... not just drunk but brain function diteriation ...

sorry going on again i know ..

just sad to here her like it i guess .

thanks for sharing and listening to me .

I go through phases of accepting it. It's always in the back of my mind though. And it always makes me angry as it's so unecessary as far as I'm concerned.

Mine is getting worse as far as brain function is concerned too. It is sad, I agree. I know it sounds awful but I hope her body gives out beore her brain.....though she is prone to 'falls' when she's 'tired'.
At least she doesn't smoke in her flat any more and only smokes on her balcony as that was a disaster waiting to happen! In fact, I think she probably had a scare which prompted the change.

Sorry, I'm don't intend to make this about me but hopefully it'll help you knowing you're not the only one going through this.
xx

Hi again

sorry for not replying sooner, I've been at work

I agree with other posters that your mum's symptoms are generally more a sign of heavy drinking than liver failure.

I don't mind you asking about my dad at all, sometimes its hard to remember as it's been 5 years, but he used to be off his food too. If he had dried out, a sure sign that he was back on the drink was that he would not eat his dinner. Then later he would have silly cravings and make fried eggs at 10pm and things like that.

He also did the forgetful thing of having conversations that he just did not remember. I was hospitalised when I was pregnant with first baby and when rang to tell mum and dad I got him, and he basically ended up telling mum some completely different and wrong story about my husband having some minor illness!!! Whenever I rang I used to pray he would not answer the phone which is not a nice feeling

Later on his physical symptoms were much worse, but I don't think you need to hear that now. What really sticks in my mind is that he was so verbally aggressive, v irritable, always right, always thought of himself as perfect, critical, patronising, spiteful, and bad tempered. Oh and v v self centred.

Sorry. I say time had moved on and it's all better but it does still hurt sometimes.

You have had some really good advice from the other posters. Taking care of you and your is your number one priority. X

talking and hearing others in same situation really helps , so thank you for sharing with me .
sometimes i feel very alone .
im the only one living close to my mum ,my sister whom im very close to lives the other end of the country , she does help but as not around it all the time shes a bit more ditatched than i am but i know she cares .
i have a brother who is older , but has very little to do with anyone except himself .

my dad has remarried so im not sure its right to confide or talk to him about it all .
and my mums partner ..well lets just say i dont think hes helping at all , i have tried recently twice to raise concerns about my mum each time he acts like im out of order and blowing it all out of proportion , so hes no bloody use .and to be honest i doubt he wants to rock the boat. as he drinks alot to .

muriel76 all those character traits your father had my mother has too.

thanks muriel176

my mum is very low to depressed and taking AD to be honest she sounds not evon drunk anymore kind of druged and confused most of time , i called f=her at 4 today and she was bad , couldnt talk for long as she really couldnt hold the conversation , so i cut it short as was getting upset hearing her like that again .

is liver failure something all alcoholics get in the end ..i fear my mum has this as she is so bad .

spoke to mum again today bout lunch time still the same , not good , thinking about it all im sure the AD are having an effect on her , as shes so bad and not eating , she said she had nothing to eat all day yesterday ...

what is doctor prescribed Ad not realising shes an alcoholic ...and now shes taking them both with little food ..

what a mess ....

its my birthday today ...and all iv done is feel sad ..the card my mum gave me , is so badly written i dont recognise her writing ..

My mum was an alcoholic for 18 years and eventually died from it. I don't want to alarm you but the symptoms you're describing are exactly the same as my mum's when she was entering the beginning of the end. The confusion and bloated stomach is really not a good sign. Stomach bloating is a sign of ascites which is fluid collecting round the liver; the mental confusion is because her liver and kidneys aren't functioning properly and her blood's not being filtered as it should - you also see this kind of mental fogginess in elderly patients who have wee infections for the same reasons. Does she have a sort of 'medical' smell too? This is because of ketones - proteins in the blood that are expelled through the breath and sweat which haven't been broken down properly by the liver.

You've already had some very good advice in this thread, there's nothing you can do about your mum's alcoholism unless she recognises she has a problem and is ready to take steps to tackle it. What you can do is protect yourself as best you can. I'd recommend al anon, it can be a bit hippy new-agey slightly religious-y depending on which group you go to, but I still found hearing other people's experiences hugely helpful in making sense of my own situation.

Please don't blame yourself try and remember your mum has an illness, a very poorly understood illness.

Hi again

I think all alcoholics are heading for liver failure but something else might catch up with them first, drinking so much makes you poorly generally.

My dad had one symptom after another (mini strokes, blackouts, suspected heart attacks) but in hindsight they were all connected to drink.

I'm sorry you are going through this, it is so very painful. Your mum does sound quite poorly.

Keep posting if it helps.

Yes, my mum had mini strokes too and diabetes as a result of alcoholism. It's so deadly and so desperately, desperately hopeless and sad. I really feel for you, I know every agony you're going through right now and I wish I had a magic answer to make everything ok, but I don't.

Keep posting here for support.

thank you both ..

what you have both said is what i already suspect ...

she really is ill ...im not sure if its the drink or the drugs shes on , if shes not eating and trying to drink what she used to be able to along side AD not a great combo ..

she justkeeps saying to me shes soo tired all the time gets up by lunch then said all she want s to to is go back to bed to sleep , said she just wants it to go away ...

she also says shes never ever felt so tired or ill ever ... but when i ask her exactly she just says tired and ill ...

iv little courage to confront her and say what irealy want to say regarding the drink....as she really is so depressed and low ...

im have been talking to my DH who has suggested i go and visit her doctor to tell him my concerns abot my mum then maybe they will know a bit more ..

thank you for listening to me it really is a help knowing im not alone .

and what you said modonna about the smell .. you are right my mum has a funny smell ..her mouth and skin kind of a sweet smell ..shes drank vodka for many , many years