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Original poster

Dad going into a care home

47 replies

fruitshootsandheaves · 18/04/2010 20:48

After considering a lot of options and failing to sell our house to buy a bigger one to enable him to live with us, tomorrow my dad goes to a care home for a 2 week 'holiday'

tonight I feel guilty, he doesn't want to go but he can't get himself dressed, he isn't eating properly and is wandering around at night.

I really hope he likes it, I know it sounds horrible but i don't want him to go home. He is lonely, I am not in a position to go and help him everyday and he is only going to get worse (diagnosed with Alzheimers last week).

I really hope he decides he likes it and stays, but he is worried they will bully him and he has never socialised much or made friends easily and in fact never enjoyed going anywhere away from home.

The home is lovely, if it wasn't full of mad people I'd go there! He will have company, regular meals and someone to help when he gets upset but I just feel so guilty like I'm forcing him.
He will hate me.

OP posts:

nightcat · 18/04/2010 21:27

My dad went to a residential home almost 2 years ago after a stay in hospital and thankfully he is fine and wouldn't imagine it now any other way.
He is most pleased with nurses to be on hand for blood presure/heart troubles and thankfully he settled down well.
You need to check up on him a lot though to make sure that all is OK. My dad is in a Sue Ryder home BTW.

IwishIwasmoreorganised · 18/04/2010 21:31

I can't imagine how you're feeling, but I work with the elderly in a hospital where we see families in the same position as you almost daily.

You seem to have come to terms with the fact that it is the safest place for him to be - the night time wandering in particular isn't good if he was at home by himself.

Where have you got the idea that people are bullied in care homes? Or are you just worried that the staff will try to encourage your Dad to participate in activites etc when he sounds like he'd be quite happy with his own company.

I hope for both of you that he settles in quickly and is very happy in his new home.

redsky · 18/04/2010 21:37

be prepared to give it time. Mum and dad moved into a nursing home 6 months ago - dad was keen to go, mum not, but it was the only way they could stay together (both mid nineties). Dad settled in straight away, but mum continually complained about everything - but now 6 months later she is at last settling and can see the positives.

tapas · 18/04/2010 21:43

Why are you sending him if you feel so guilty?

Look after him.

IwishIwasmoreorganised · 18/04/2010 21:49

That's helpful Tapas

OP has said that she has tried to move house to get somewhere bigger so that she could have her Dad to live with them.

She's after some support now.

tapas · 18/04/2010 21:53

I'm aware she tried to sell her house. I can read Iwishiwas..

I can't support her because I don't agree with the OP. As far I'm concerned no one would send their children into care because things are tough.

It's all about responsibility.

ConnorTraceptive · 18/04/2010 21:56

Oh fuck of tapas honestly there is a world of difference between living with an elderly parent who needs a bit of help and caring FULL TIME for someone with alzheimers especially if you have a young family of your own. It's just a tad more than "tough"

singalongamumum · 18/04/2010 22:02

My Gran recently went into a care home and everyone was dreading it- but she has settled so well and even says she feels safer. Her room is set up just how she like it but she doesn't have to do anything! (her words). Respite is really important for everyone, so no need for guilt fruitshoots. It will hopefully give you all a chance to decide the best options.

He may resent you for a while, but that'll only be because he will feel the need to blame someone... that's not the same thing as it being your fault. You may be surprised how it all pans out. Good luck.

tapas · 18/04/2010 22:06

Don't tell me to fuck off connor!!

How fucking dare you...

Many,many people from other cultures look after their elderly irrespective of what's wrong them. They are old = do you expect them to 100% healthy? I know it's not as 'fun' as looking after cute,incontinent babies but it's the least we can do for our parents.

I'm sure that not everyone in a nursing home has alzheimers either.

Original poster

fruitshootsandheaves · 18/04/2010 22:08

I can't look after him, I would love too, there is just no space for him here.

Thanks for all the positive stories

OP posts:

tapas · 18/04/2010 22:10

Off to bed but all the people on this thread making shitty excuses to make the OP feel better should feel ashamed of themselves.

I wonder how they would feel if their children put them in homes.

All these so-called uncomplaining pensioners know there's probably no point. Who gives a shit what they think?

No - one..

ConnorTraceptive · 18/04/2010 22:10

OP you can only take it a day at a time and I'm sure if you visit your dad daily you will be able to get a good picture of the care he is receiving. Just becuase he is in a home doesn't mean he can't come visit you for the day or that you can't spend time with him in the way you normally would.

Are you getting any support eg alzheimers society?

Original poster

fruitshootsandheaves · 18/04/2010 22:12

not yet getting support as he was only diagnosed recently and I haven't contacted any of the societies yet. Still battling through the power of Attorney atm.

OP posts:

oneofsuesylvesterscheerios · 18/04/2010 22:13

tapas you are making a very tough situation for fruit much worse with your insensitive comments.

Do you care for an elderly relative with alzheimers in your own home? If you do then well done - it's probably a heart-breaking and soul-destroying job.

If you don't then I echo connor's sentiments. You can't possibly expect to come on here, spout off in an insensitive and crass way and not arouse a lot of anger. Deal with it.

Original poster

fruitshootsandheaves · 18/04/2010 22:13

interested to know what other options tapas would suggest that I haven't tried

OP posts:

tapas · 18/04/2010 22:14

I don't like hypocrisy OP.

This society is selfish. What positive stories?

Have you heard of anyone who would rather live in a nursing home rather than with their families. The families they've spent decades with?

When you have then pat yourself on the back and thank everyone who agrees with you.

oneofsuesylvesterscheerios · 18/04/2010 22:15

thought you were off to bed?

IwishIwasmoreorganised · 18/04/2010 22:15

I've reported this thread.

Fruitshootsandheaves - I hope things go well.

Original poster

fruitshootsandheaves · 18/04/2010 22:17

what should I do then? Tell my 16 year old to move out so I have some room?

OP posts:

Buzzybb · 18/04/2010 22:18

I am so sorry you are going through all of this, from experience it can take an elderly person 6 weeks to become settled and comfortable in a new environment but know he will be safe. We ensured my Grandmother had cards [she loved to play solitaire] and when she got confused and more forgetful we had a diary that visitors filled in [so and so called ... and spoke about...] Could you have his favourite papers delivered everyday for him if he reads.
Good luck I can only imagine how hard this will be for all of you involved, be nice to yourself and remember this is to everyone's benefit and his safety.

tapas · 18/04/2010 22:18

Looking after a sn child is also a heart-breaking and soul destroying job.

If I decided to abandon my child you would all be horrified.

I don't agree with OP.

Fruitshoot - my suggestion is that you treat your father as fairly as one of children.

brimfull · 18/04/2010 22:20

My mum refuses to live with me when she gets older
she has been looking at care homes

ConnorTraceptive · 18/04/2010 22:21

Tapas you clearly have a chip on your shoulder and nothing constructive to contribute hear, please take yourself and your superior moral and go to bed as you promised.

Oh and for the record BOTH my parents have made their own arrangements for assisted living a neither wish to live with me or my siblings and I do not wish to live with my children should I ever have the sorry misfortune to develop this sickening disease.

Comparing this situation to your own is frankly absurd

tapas · 18/04/2010 22:22

Why report thread?

I am allowed a different opinion.

Fruitshoot- Why not ask your 16yr old to move out?

I don't believe it's impossible to have him live with you unless you are homeless

As I said I come from a different culture. I hope to god my children treat me with respect and don't palm me off with strangers.

muggglewump · 18/04/2010 22:24

I work in a Care Home, though I'm just one of the cleaners but most, in fact the vast majority of our residents are happy and like it there, and have found their place, though that can take time.

I can only speak for where I work of course but no one is bullied, they are all encouraged to find what makes them happy, and if that's sitting in their room all day, so be it, but they'll be checked on and have frequent company from staff, should they want it of course.
We have loads of organised activities to join in with, or just general pottering. One of the women likes to come round with me and dust downstairs, and that's fine by me, she likes the company, and me!
We are all aware that it's not just our workplace, it's a home to 35 people, and we treat it as such.

If you visit daily you'll see exactly what goes on, it'd be impossible to hide it if it was bad, and you'll help your Dad to feel settled too, and of course you can take him out whenever you like and take in his favourite things.

Good luck to your family.

(and fwiw, my Dad (85) has insisted I put him in a home should he ever need it, and I won't hesitate. Make of that what you will tapas)

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