Dad going into a care home

[fruitshootsandheaves]

After considering a lot of options and failing to sell our house to buy a bigger one to enable him to live with us, tomorrow my dad goes to a care home for a 2 week 'holiday'

tonight I feel guilty, he doesn't want to go but he can't get himself dressed, he isn't eating properly and is wandering around at night.

I really hope he likes it, I know it sounds horrible but i don't want him to go home. He is lonely, I am not in a position to go and help him everyday and he is only going to get worse (diagnosed with Alzheimers last week).

I really hope he decides he likes it and stays, but he is worried they will bully him and he has never socialised much or made friends easily and in fact never enjoyed going anywhere away from home.

The home is lovely, if it wasn't full of mad people I'd go there! He will have company, regular meals and someone to help when he gets upset but I just feel so guilty like I'm forcing him.
He will hate me.

I'm sure it is tapas. But you might want to take your unhappiness/frustration/anger out in a different direction. You did not 'suggest' - you were very aggressive and unnecessarily brutal.

We all have shit things happening in our lives, but we need to cope as best we can. It must seem very unfair that you are in the situation you are in and you might assume fruits is 'dumping' her responsibilities in a way you cannot conceive of. That's simply not the case.

There must be others in your situation you can talk to on the SN boards for instance - you're not alone. But your comments are probably not needed on this particular thread if they remain in this vein.

Connor

It's sad but as I said earlier - as a SOCIETY it's now the norm to be selfish and it's now no longer expected for children to look after their parents.

Your poor parents know you don't want to look after them. They are wise to make their own arrangements.

That doesn't make it morally right.

I think i'm upsetting people because the truth hurts.

Just MHO.

Tapas We grew up with my Grandmother who had dementia for 20 yrs we cared for her at home until it broke up my parents marriage, and caring meant 24 hrs a day supervised care of a frail incontinent women she was very happy in a care home and we had a life ie days out, holidays, family meals where the only person throwing a tantrum or food was the toddler in the high chair. Putting a loved one in a care home is sometimes the best thing for them more so then for the carer . Many thrive on the routine and consistency they get which they may not get at home in the care of family as there are more people to be considered

but it's not a 'H' opinion - far from it! It's aggressive and unwarranted.

OP please be assured that you can have full and active roll in your dad's care ragardless of him living in a nursing home. You are not dumping him and running away. You are moving him to ensure his safety and well being which is paramount.

It's quite a big and stressful decision if you/your parent decide they need residentila care. My elderly Mum, who is almost 90 came to live in a care home near me almost 3 weeks ago. She had lived on her own (Dad died 2 years ago) until January, but then developed health problems which left her unable to care for herself any more.

I have 2 sisters, but none of us live near where my Mum was, so the only options were a full time live-in carer in Mum's home (which she didn't want) or residential care. Mum couldn't realistically live with any of us - both my sisters work full time and couldn't be there during the day. I am a SAHM, but my Mum's needs are now such that she really requires someone there all the time. I would have had trouble taking ds anywhere or even getting shopping in if she had come to live with us. It's not always as simple as wanting your parent to live with you, or even having the space - sometimes it depends on your other commitments to the members of your family, all of whom are important.

I'm lucky that we found a lovely care home for Mum, which is only 5 minutes' walk away, so I am able to visit every day. She does like it there, but even so there have been a few small teething problems, and you have to accept that if you are the person who visits the most (as I am) you do have to cope with all the little things that may go wrong, or which your parent finds hard to accept.

It is hard for her, as it's a big change, but Mum knows that she is being well looked after, and enjoys the fact that she now sees me (and my ds) every day - previously we lived 2 hours' drive away, so we saw her about once a month, although I phoned her several times a week.

I hope everything goes well for your Dad fruit, but do remember the first week or so may be a bit hard, as it's a big change. Certainly for my Mum it took a little while for her to get used to her new surroundings (although I think that would have happened even if she had been able to come and live with us or one of my sisters).

Only a truelly arrogant prick would presume to know what my parents do or do no think. Seriously your comments don't hurt me they just astound me. Pull your head out of your arse dear

I don't have a sn child oneof...it was an example.

I'm not frustrated in any way.

As I said your are all jusyifying it because it lessens the guilt.

Mugglewump - I'm sure that your care home is full of people making the best of a bad situ.
I guarantee they would all rather be with their loved ones.

I can't believe I'm being painted as the harsh one here..

Sorry OP for indulging Tapas this is not why you posted t

My grandfather went into a care home at Christmas, we'd known for a while that he was dying of cancer and had been declining quickly including advanced vascular dementia.

I wanted to care for my grandpa at home but my mum and grandma were against it, partly because I'm disabled and partly for the sake of my children's wellbeing.

Grandpa died a month ago and and I can say now hand on heart that his time in residential care was the best thing, both for him and the rest of the family, his every need was cared for before he even knew he had that need (and certainly before we as family would know what to do). Grandpa had the choice to remain in his room or to go to one of the lounges and no pressure was put upon him.

If and when it comes to my turn I would much sooner go into care than have my family feel they need to take responsibility for me.

I'm not sure my post is much practical help or advice but it's meant to be supportive, it's a worrying time but hang on in there.

You are right connor, I suspect she posted so like-minded people like you would comfort her.

This society is a scary place for the vulnerable.

Hope the power of attorney gets sorted without to much hassle. The Alzheimers Society would almost certainly have someone who can advise you in that area if you need it.

Lol at tapas 'i come from a different culture'. Has the OP said what culture they come from? Err no.

We cared for my mum who had Alzheimers and cancer. We promised her never to put her in a home and we didn't.

I will be writing a letter to my children to say that I am currently of sound mind and give them my permission to find a home they are happy with if it chould ever be needed. I will tell them to have no guilt or regret if a situation forces this decision. I don't want my children to go through the strain my brother and I suffered trying to care adequately for my lovely mum and to look after my young children (DS was only 4 months old when mum died). My brother gave up work and had a breakdown as a result the demands of caring for her. The right way to care for your parents isn't always the ideal way.

I have worked in a care home. The staff were very kind, capable people. I saw no bullying at all. Keep your eye on things and don't let any worries slip - some home have problems but most don't. An elderly friend has just been out with all the 'girls' who cared for his wife (with dementia) who died last year in an excellent home. No-one wants to come to this decision but making it can bring you peace of mind and make sure your Dad has 24 hour care - he will need it and this is how you can give it.

Be kind to yourself. I'm sorry you have this going on. xx

fruitshoot.....sorry your dads got to go into care(its heart wrenching)if its any help...i looked after my elderly mum for 7 months 24/7 . She had a degenerative brain disease similar to alzeihmers. A was a single parent with 2 boys and a part time job. She went to day care on the 2 days that i worked. I collapsed with exhaustion after 7 months and was virtually no good to my children. I would have carried on longer but my boyfriend told my my children were suffering and so was i. Eventually it was relief to get professional help ,but ultimately it was the right decision.
You have to do whats right for both of you,however hard the decision.

good luck.

I think what Tapas has not registered, or perhaps it is alien to her culture is that what about when people are happier in a Care Home than they would be with family?

I have seen that. The home I work in takes both private and funded patients, and I've seen a guy break down in tears because he was told he may no longer get the funding to stay.

Could his daughter (working full time, with two teens and a 5yr old) have given him company from his peers all day, have had said peers around to watch the footy whenever it was on, have given him three hot meals a day plus snacks on demand, have provided exercise classes several times a week, arranged a barber weekly, had bar nights, yes bar nights (very well supervised and mainly non alcoholic) parties at least monthly, church services and basically, someone to look out for him.

He loves it in the home, really loves it and has now got permanent funding to stay.
His daughter is in and out, part of the furniture and is great to all of us. (we do have some snooty family, they don't talk to the housekeeping team!)

Care Homes are not all bad, they can be great places to be and I would not hesitate to suggest the one I work in.
I wouldn't work there if I thought it was bad.

Perhaps in an ideal world then family could take you in, and would have the space and time, and mental health, and understanding small children, to do it, but that's just not realistic, and it's detrimental to everyone, including the person being cared for.

Tapas - I eported this thread not because you're not entitled to your opinion, but because I felt that the way in which you were expressing it was aggressive and uncalled for.