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Original poster

Husband has Advanced Cancer - Help with 12 year old son

33 replies

RRUSS · 27/02/2010 22:24

Where do I start.
My husband and I were told 2 weeks ago, that his tumour had grown faster than expected and that we only have a few months together. We were told whilst our 12 year old was nearby, and as such, did not have time to prepare ourselfs (we all spent the evening crying together). My son is getting fantastic support from his school, but how do I be mummy & daddy when the time comes. How do I cope without my darling husband. How do I make sure that whilst dealing with grief, I can make sure my son is coping ok. I feel so selfish thinking about me, but how do make sure that he will be ok? We are all very close, and my son has been brougt up to know that he can ask any question (and does!) We openly talk about our feelings and thoughts, but I fear that I am trying so hard to stay stong, that I will fall to pieces and fail as a mother.
What do i do.

OP posts:
BoysAreLikeDogs · 27/02/2010 22:32

I am so sorry RRUSS

I am sure that someone with experience will be along very soon to give you more support

activate · 27/02/2010 22:33

www.winstonswish.org.uk/mainsection.asp?section=000100010010&pagetitle=Serious+Illness

rea lly the best source of information and help available

Surprise · 27/02/2010 22:39

So sorry to hear your sad news. I really don't know what the best way to handle it would be. Children do tend to be more resilient than adults, so your DS may actually be able to cope with it better than you think. My DP lost his father when he was 6, and his biggest regret is that he can't really remember him all that well. I think you must try not to think too much about the future, but to really enjoy the time you all still have together. Life will be different, and I'm sure incredibly painful for a time, but things will improve and change over time. Sorry, this is probably full of cliches because I don't really have any experience of this but I didn't want you to think that no one was listening. I think you need to enjoy your time as a couple and as a family and not worry about what happens later. Your son I'm sure will be a great support to you and you to him. I really feel for you all xx

Original poster
RRUSS · 27/02/2010 22:45

Thank you all so very much - Our Macmillian nurse had mentioned Winstone's wish - I must admit I had used it when looking for advice in breaking the news to him the first time - I have however just contacted re-my link, amazing how you forget rationalisation.

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ApplesinmyPocket · 27/02/2010 22:45

So sorry, RRUSS. I lost my Dad when I was 9, he died aged 42, and it was just my Mum and me for the rest of my childhood. Because she was a loving mother, as you are (it shines through from your post) we did OK. We were even happy, most of the time, although we did miss him (I have his picture on my board by my PC even now - he would be over 80 now, but has never been forgotten.)

But it's a horrible situation to be in. I wish you and your family didn't have to go through this.

AmpleBosom · 27/02/2010 22:46

I'm so sorry to hear your news RRUSS, i have no experience of this myself personally but often come into contact with bereaved children through my work, but thought i'd post anyway and tell you my thoughts if that's ok.

I'm sure it's completely natural to think about yourself and how you will cope, it's not selfish at all. I think that it's great that you have been so open with your son and i think that is probably the right thing to do. He should feel able to cry and express his feelings and you talking to him and showing your sadness will encourage him to.

One thing i would say is that when my mum was really ill and it was thought that she would die (When i was 15yrs and then again when i was 17yrs), my dad was so upset i felt i had to hold in my emotions so i could look after him. I wish he would have encouraged me to cry with him. You can grieve together and support each other.

You will cope because we always do, no doubt it will be really hard but you will cope. Maybe you can talk as a family about how to make the time you have left together really special and memorable.

I hope that you don't mind me commenting and i wish you lots of love over the coming months. Hopefully by the time i press post someone else who has been in your position will have posted.

Original poster
RRUSS · 27/02/2010 22:55

Amplebosom, thank you so very much, Your comments were so overwhelmingly helpful. We do cry (a lot) One other thing I am worried about is that my son feels the need to look after me - Comments such as "I don't have to stay at my friends house if you don't want to be alone" (example of when my husband is in hospital / hospice) Whilst I thank him, give him a kiss and let him know that I will be fine, and that he needs to have fun - I worry that if I end up crying all the time, he will feel he needs to look after me - that is my biggest fear. I want to look after him, and help him through it. Not the other way round.

OP posts:
fortyplus · 27/02/2010 23:00

RRUSS - a close friend of ours died 5 years ago from cancer leaving his wife, dd13 and ds11. They have all drawn comfort from each other - its a shared experience and you will each gain strength from the other dealing with it.

My friend said bereavement counselling was really helpful for the children. They want to 'protect' their mum from the pain of offloading their grief and sadness.

AmpleBosom · 27/02/2010 23:05

Thankyou RRUSS i'm glad i've not upset you.

I think you are probably getting the balance right from what you say in your posts. I know you are the adult but you will help each other and having your DS will probably be a huge comfort.

I can only second what the other posters have said, you come accross as being such a lovely mum and although you obviously will have tough times ahead you will cope and find the strength.

Also i have found the winston's wish website to be excellent for the young people i work with. They also sell things which can help families get memories/thoughts/hopes for the future down on paper for children whose parents are terminally ill.

Best of luck and know that you are doing a great job already

Original poster
RRUSS · 27/02/2010 23:06

Thank you fortyplus.

Your last sentence makes it very clear to me now.

I fear that by going attending counselling, I will mean having to think / talk about more than I want to.

But sometimes, I just can't stop crying - I hate myself it...and I don't know why.

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Original poster
RRUSS · 27/02/2010 23:19

Thank you again amplebosom, I know you are right. It just seems so hard to see that at the moment, but I know you are right.

School are already providing pre-breavement counselling - although DS is far to proud to admit he is upset. Do you think (and I understand if you are unable to help here) that if we went together it will help us both. I am worried that about what we will need to discuss. My concerns for my son are obvious, and my fears of failing as a mother are so overwhelming. but I don't think it is right for him to hear me discuss the fears I have at not being able to talk to my husband again. (gosh that sounds so selfish )and yet this is another fear I have to face

OP posts:
AmpleBosom · 27/02/2010 23:29

I think you can do both, have counselling separately and/or together. You should be able to arrange this through your GP or School Nurse.

It might be a while before either of you feel ready for counselling and you might not be ready at the same time. Trust your instincts and you won't go far wrong. Even though you might feel like you can prepare yourself, you never know how you will grieve until it happens.

I'm sure they'll be lots of other mums on here who have been through it and will be able to advise you. You will always find a sympathetic ear on mumsnet

Original poster
RRUSS · 27/02/2010 23:31

Thank you.

OP posts:
BarkisIsWilling · 27/02/2010 23:33

RRUSS, I can offer no advice, but please know that I am thinking of you three.

Original poster
RRUSS · 27/02/2010 23:34

Thank you barkisIsWilling

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WynkenBlynkenandNod · 27/02/2010 23:44

So sorry to hear this. I have seen someone go through this with a similar age child and you sound like you doing really really well with him. I rang Winstons Wish t get advice for the family I know and they were truly fantastic giving me advice to pass on as to how to break the news to the child. The Mum felt she couldn't saythe truth and sadly the poor child was in complete shock when her Dad died.

One thing that I remember was the man at Winstons
Wish saying that the Mum must be honest about what was happening as it would determine the future relationship between the two and I can see how this is true. You sound as if you are being honest, expressing how you feel and however horrendously difficult it must be, I'm sure this will strengthen your realtionship with your son.

Original poster
RRUSS · 27/02/2010 23:48

WynkenBlynkenandNod, thank you so much for your comments - It is so relieving to know I am not alone, and that so far I may be doing things right.
Your are the 3rd person to mention wintson's wish, and although I used them to gain advice on how to tell DS, I have just emailed again, after receiving the above posts.
Thank you again.

OP posts:
ItsAllaBitNoisy · 27/02/2010 23:52

I'm so sorry. Wishing the three of you all the best.

WynkenBlynkenandNod · 27/02/2010 23:56

RRuss, I don't know if you feel it would be useful but you could ring them as well as email, the man I spoke to was just so fantastic, I can't tell you how much he helped me when I rang.

Do you have friends and family who can help you through this?

Original poster
RRUSS · 28/02/2010 00:00

WynkenBlynkenandNod, thank you - Yes I think I will give that a go.

I have the most fantastic support from both DH's and my family. Although DH's family have there own grief / feelings to deal with, they are always at the end of the phone if needed. The support from both families means so very much to us both, and I have also received a lot of support from work and DS school.

However, I feel that Winstone's wish is the way to go.

OP posts:
Nessarose · 28/02/2010 00:07

could you do a memrey box for him,put photos in there, and if your dh fells up to it a letter?
sorry to hear your news

Original poster
RRUSS · 28/02/2010 00:14

Dear Nessarose,

DH and I have had so very tough conversations - to die at home, write a will, paying for the funeral. DH has decided that he would like to write letters to DS as well has his sister / Brother etc.

I have started keeping little things, like notes DH leaves for DS when he has to go to the hospice and is therefore not home when DS finishes school.

I have tried to take over some of DH's roles, but feel like I am failing at trying to be daddy - in fact feel like I am failing as mummy!.

When we were told 2 weeks ago that DH proberbly has just a few months. DS and I had a chat, and I said we should go and visit all the lovely places DH has been to. DS loved that idea.

I seem to be ok with the practical things, but tell me to sit down and think about how it will be after, and I fall to peices - I then worry about how I & DS will be, when it is all we have to think about.

Sorry, I have just re-read and I feel so very selfish.
Apologies.

OP posts:
WynkenBlynkenandNod · 28/02/2010 00:17

I'm so glad you do all have support. I really do think you are doing brilliantly in a horrendous situation. Winston's Wish said how children take their cues from their parents and the fact you have been open, showed it is OK to cry will help your son and your relationship.

If you can I'd talk to some if his close friend's parents as they will probably want to help but not quite know how and worry about overstepping the mark. I will be thinking of you all.

WynkenBlynkenandNod · 28/02/2010 00:39

Sorry, final thing. The idea of visiting places DH has been is a great one, could DH suggest somewhere to go first after he's gone? The first holiday afterwards will be hard and my friend is struggling to decide where to go. I get the feeling it would have helped her if her DH had suggested somewhere so it took away the deciding and they felt that he was still involved.

Also, it was the child's birthday two months after he died. His wife went out and bought a present from some money he'd left which although I'm sure was very difficult for them both, clearly meant a lot.

sallyjaygorce · 28/02/2010 01:06

My SIL has a brain tumor and her two boys (11 and 13) struggle to talk about it. They snuggle up in bed with her - her DH reads a bedtime story to her and sometimes they all climb in. They have good friends and they accept their help. Do accept help.

My Dad died when I was in my early 20's. I have a list of places he went to that I would like to see and take his grandchildren to. There are things that can be shared, connections to make even after the people you love have died. We talked about Dad all the time.

My friend's mum died when he was a teenager and his Dad didn't talk about it at all. He said 'pretend she's in the next room'. I feel so sorry for him, muffled in grief. But my friend wanted to know he could still talk about his mum and for a long time the men in that house were lonelier than they might have been.

You are not selfish. This is appalling and you are not failing. Be honest and loving - as you clearly are. Your son sounds like a lovely boy - if he wants to look after you it's because he knows how hard you are trying for him. He loves you. He will have fun - lots of fun - but his friends will struggle to understand - mine did and they were much older. Maybe he wants to be with you. Let him help you too, it might help him to be doing that. I am so sorry for all the pain you are facing. Your boy will still be a boy from a loving family even when his Dad isn't there. He has a very good chance of becoming a man you will be very proud of.