Husband has Advanced Cancer - Help with 12 year old son

[RRUSS]

Where do I start.
My husband and I were told 2 weeks ago, that his tumour had grown faster than expected and that we only have a few months together. We were told whilst our 12 year old was nearby, and as such, did not have time to prepare ourselfs (we all spent the evening crying together). My son is getting fantastic support from his school, but how do I be mummy & daddy when the time comes. How do I cope without my darling husband. How do I make sure that whilst dealing with grief, I can make sure my son is coping ok. I feel so selfish thinking about me, but how do make sure that he will be ok? We are all very close, and my son has been brougt up to know that he can ask any question (and does!) We openly talk about our feelings and thoughts, but I fear that I am trying so hard to stay stong, that I will fall to pieces and fail as a mother.
What do i do.

Oh RRUSS I'm sorry I made you feel so sad but honestly I think it is important to talk about it both with friends & family but also with those who aren't 'involved' and are used to helping others through this process.

I was very close to my friends when they were going through their nightmare (I slept at their house to look after the kids the night before he died at 8.30 the following morning) and it's so unreal - that sense of 'this can't be happening to us'.

For months they were the first thing I thought of when I woke and on my mind every night when I was trying to get to sleep.

Each new step that my friend told me brought the end nearer - and I remember thinking that I almost couldn't believe what she was saying to me. I didn't want to believe it I suppose.

You will make it through. Were you on MN when onlyjoking was going through Steve's final illness and death? She was inspiring.

Make use of those close to you - they will be pleased if you can tell them how to support you because this is so foreign to everyone. Most will be delighted to have a chance to do something positive - even if it's getting you some shopping or collecting the children from school.

Thank you fortyplus, your honesty is refreshing and I don't think anything that anyone can say will prevent me from getting upset at this moment in time.

I have been inspired by all the comments on mumsnet, and only wish I had come hear sooner!

As I am sure I have mentioned before, I am ok with the practical side of this horrid time. We are organising a funeral plan, so that it won't be a burden on any member of the family. DH has decided he would not like to be buried, and so we have discussed the scattering of his ashes. We have had the long and painful conversation with palliative care discuss the 'end of life care plan' and DH will die at home.

When talking about the above, I go into the sort of mode you might have when discussing events that will occure in the upcoming months.

The bad days are those when I think about DS upset that DH is not here. when I have to come home from a horrid day at work and DH is not there to listen to my woes and be the best friend he has always been. I worry that I will be so consumed in my own grief and guilt that I will not be there to support DS (I sound like I am repeating myself).

I totall understand your comments in allowing family to assist with anything no matter how little, and I fear that I am putting on such a brave face that the strengh people believe they see, will crumble.

I fear there is still a little bit of me, that wants to believe the doctors have got it wrong, that the CT scans are incorrect, and that the tumour has not grown.

Re-reading this I think everyone here has answered my questions (in one way or another) The feeling of why me, why us, the anger and hatered and fear can sometimes be so overwhelming that I don't think I can do it alone.

Thank you all so very much.

Thanks for that RRUSS.

I remember that same sense of dealing with practicalities of our friend's illness - almost as though if you treat funeral arrangements the same way as choosing a new sofa it somehow makes it easier to deal with? Sorry if that sounds bizarre - though I suspect you will understand what I'm trying to say.

And the same wish to believe that it's all a mistake - as you have described.

Sadly there are quite a few people on MN who have faced what you're going through. I hope you can take comfort from the support people on here will give you if you need it.

RRUSS i get the feeling that you can cope with the things that you can organise/control/arrange like funeral plans and the practical things, but are finding it hard to cope with the 'unknown' bits like how you will feel and how your DS will react.

I can totally understand that way of thinking, when my mum has been really ill in tthe not so distant past i automatically start running through in my head the things i can plan. Things like the funeral, what i'll wear, what my children will wear and where it will be held.

I suppose what i'm saying is that you probably won't find the answers you are looking for BUT you will find lots of support and people to listen. Don't feel you are being selfish by thinking of your own feelings and grief. It is a good way to get your thoughts out on mumsnet in a way that allows you to get your head in order.

You won't be alone even if it is only virtual friends here, Forgive me if i'm completely off the mark

RRUSS I'm sorry to hear about what you are going through.

Have you tried Macmillan for your son? I know they have a booklet called 'talking to children when an adult has cancer', also a phone line for young people to ask questions about cancer, I think it's called youthline but I'm not sure. Sometimes hospices have support groups for children of patients where they can make memory boxes and so on and access support before and after, if your hospice doesn't have one your local children's hospice might, or would know of one nearby.

Your hospice may also have a support group or counselling you can access. Also I hope you don't mind me mentioning the WAY (widowed and young) foundation, they can be a great source of support but I don't want you to think I am jumping the gun IYSWIM. Sorry I can't think of how to put that and not sound insensitive, I don't mean to be.

People have mentioned Winston's wish, your DH might want to look at their website as I think they have ideas he might want to use like starting a scrapbook for your DS with info on his dad's family, childhood etc, questions he might want to know later on or things your DH would want to pass on. Also your DH can make an 'emotional will', where he 'leaves' favourites books, pieces of music etc he thinks your DS will like when he is older, bits of advice for when he is older etc.

Please take care and look after yourself - you can't help your DH or your son if you don't look after yourself too.

My 40 year old son has terminal cancer. Is there anyone on Mumsnet who has experienced the loss of a child? I am struggling to come to terms with this and would be grateful to anyone who comments. I lost his father 20 years ago but have remarried since and my husband is amazing. The news of my son's illness came 8 weeks after we buried my Mum. She died of cancer too. Thanks for your replies.

I'm so sorry to hear this Boatwoman - I cannot begin to imagine what you are going through at the moment.

I am afraid I don't have any experience of this, but I didn't want to read and run. You may get a better response if you post this as a new thread under 'life limiting illnesses'. I am pretty sure someone on there will be able offer you more advice.

Take care.

Hi Boatwoman, I'm so sorry to hear this

There are some relevant threads and you would receive great support on the bereavement or life limiting illness boards.

My thoughts are with you