I'm not sure what topic this shoulde be in - Alcohol

[CopingWithAlcohol]

Hiya,
Bit of background about DP.
He has been drinking for years but over the last couple of years it has gotten worse.

I worry so much about his drinking, his health, his future. We have two beautiful children and I want them to grow up with their daddy, who has bundles of energy, who wants to go out all the time and have fun.

My DP and I don?t live together at the moment now, although we are still ?together?. He has depression and alcohol is his way of coping with that, but I know that also the alcohol is the cause of it too.

He doesn?t come up to see us that often (Maybe once or twice one week then nothing the next) and it is because he has no energy, I think, to get out of the house.
It used to be vodka that he drank?.then he moved onto cider, which, in his eyes, wasn?t as bad as it was only an unbranded cider. He is a functioning Alcoholic. He gets up, and goes to work every day.

He has our daughter stay with him one night a week, and every time he has her I am worried sick that that will be the night something horrible happens. What if he has had so much to drink and passes out, banging his head? What if our daughter needs taking to the Doctors/A&E and he is too drunk to drive her, or worse, he decides he is sober enough to drive?

I don?t know why I am posting on here to be honest. Maybe just to get things of my chest, and see it all written down.

He decided to stop drinking yesterday. He stocked up on energy supplies and food. I want to believe that he will stop, but, we have gone through all this before, time and time again, and I have supported him every single time. Maybe this time is different. Maybe not having the kids and myself with him has made him see sense. Who knows.

And how do I know I am being supportive enough? Do I agree with everything he says? I do not have a clue?..I do not want to lose him, I do not want to have to explain to our children why their daddy is dead, and why he chose alcohol over us.

I really hope this is it, this is the time where he really has decided to get his life sorted.

Sorry for any grammar/spelling mistakes, tears are in the way

Not heard anything from him as yet this morning. So glad he has the week off work though. He goes back Tuesday and his meds don't finish until Wednesday so I have been trying to convince him to have Tuesday off.

Mad rush now to get us ready for college but will be back when I hear from him this evening.

Thank you for the support.

Absolutely no problem BangBang, I'm glad to be of help.

I'll be here to give you some insight of what he may be going through, so that you can decide for yourself and kids what to do as you go along, IYSWIM.

How are you and the kids feeling today? Hope you're all OK.

Will be back soon, got to go get kids from school and do some shopping.

Me and kids fine thank you.

Just had a text, he is getting some cravings.....have no idea what to do or say to him but told him to drink plenty of juice to keep hydrated.

Back again. You did well telling him to drink more for hydration. He's possibly getting the cravings because his body probably isn't used to this change in drinking habits. To go from lots alcohol daily to soft drinks fairly quickly is a big change for anyone's system, and there will be a few more ups and downs before they settle down.

The main thing is that these cravings are part and parcel of withdrawal and there's no time limit as to how long they'll last. I suppose they'll come and go until there's no more alcohol left in his system. The cravings will come and go and will probably become less as the alcohol in his system decreases. I suspect the moods and cravings will get worse before they get better. Think of it as a storm you both need to weather and ride out.

Your DH is doing his bit so you need to look after yourself in order to do your bit too. I think the key to this is to get him to talk and try to help him figure out what may have been driving him to take so much alcohol. Once the issues have been figured out and addressed you'll be another few steps forward. Sometimes you need to look back to see how far you've come. You both need to keep that all important goal in sight and keep focused. Don't worry about his cravings, it's his actions which will tell you more.

Anyway, I'm off to bed as I'm totally knackered, so good night, take care, and I'll be back tomorrow.

We have spoken about his reasons behind drinking...

He had gotten into the 'routine' of it. When he was on earlies, he would be up at 4.30am and off to work, then he would come home at 4pm and start drinking.
On lates, he would get up at whatever time, have a couple of drinks, then off to work at 11.15am and be back at 10.30pm then more drink, food, then he would fall asleep on the sofa most nights.

He has always been a person for routines and this had become his.

DD is ill so he is having ds stay with him tonight then he will have dd tomorrow and me ds. I've said I'd rather him not have the both of him until he is well as I get bloody stressed with them at the best of times when the constant fighting and arguing and did not think it would do him any good to have to deal with all that.

One thing is key worker said yesterday to him was set a goal...she wasn't explaining it really well so I said 'think of it being like a child, counting down until easter, then halloween, bonfire night, christmas' Their goal is to get to these dates. But he said he'd rather just go day to day and then before he knows it, it will be 3 months. Not sure if he should do that, maybe he does need to set himself a goal to reach. Another thing we have to consider is Christmas. Christmas day we go to his parents, where they will have the children for a couple of hours whilst we all (sil & bil) go for a few drinks. It has been a standing thing where one of us has to be like the 'bad un' ringing up to see if we can stay out another half hour
But we were talking about it and he does not know what to do. Do we all still go, and he drink soft drinks, do I go and he stay at his parents or do we just not go at all, which I would rather do as it's Christmas and it wouldn't be the same.
I'd do whichever he wanted to be honest but he isn't really mentioning much about it.

He went shopping yesterday and spent £50 on food which he would not of gotten because he would of spent that on vodka and he was well impressed with himself!

I'm bloody freezing so gonna get wrapped in the duvet with dd.

You take care too.

Meh, I'm not in the best of moods today. Almost smashed my car up going to pick ds up, then dd did not want to stay at his house, she he took it the wrong way and told me to go.

Came within an inch of smashing car up, again. Fucking ice.

Both kids have really tried my patience, even put the tree up in hope of it cheering me up. Have screamed and shouted at them both, and the dog all day and I'm at the end of my tether. Everything is annoying me.

Why can't he just bloody be here?!?!?!?!?!

Good evening BangBang. Sorry I haven't been on MN before now, our electric went off for 30mins due to the freezing weather (we're in Northern Ireland and everything in our house is run on electricity except phones), so we're lucky to have a camping stove, full gas cannister, wind up radio/torch and candles etc. Had some other things to do as well.

Anyway, how are you today? I'm so pleased your DH spent that £50 on food, I think his mindset is slowly changing for the better.
Getting off alcohol is a slow process. It's like weaning a child off something they love, say like BM or a particular food etc IYSWIM. They can be weaned off slowly so it's not such a shock to the system, or they can stop straight off, in which case the body is open to severe withdrawal symptoms/side effects.

[grin} at staying out 30mins extra. You and your DH can both go out and not drink at christmas. If he sees you not drinking he may feel better in himself and take you staying sober as an unconscious sign of your support IYSWIM. You've gone what probably seems like a short distance, BUT you both have come a long way and maybe you'll see that when you next look back.

I have to say I agree with your DH on taking each day as it comes. The problem is that lots of people with addictions don't really have the emotional capacity/will power to set long-term goals straight away. In the initial stages after stopping (this can last for a few weeks to months), they're so wrapped up in how they're feeling, a long term goal isn't really feasible when the person is going through probably one of the roughest times of their life, so in that sense, it may be a better idea to stick to short term goals until moods etc, settle down and aren't so up and down.

Another thing to think about is the present and the future. There's no point in looking to the past (except to see how far you've come) because there's nothing you can do to change it.

Other than that I hope you're all keeping warm enough and have enough food and heating fuel (be that gas/oil/electric) in to see you OK for the meantime while this cold weather persists. We've more than enough food etc in to see us through, so I'm going to batch cook, take some stew to a few of the elderly neighbours and make sure they're warm enough.

Will be back tomorrow morning to see how you are getting on. Good night to you all and take care.

Sorry to hear you've had a bad day today. I guess you'll get some peace when the kids are in sleeping. Don't worry about shouting at the kids, I've done that on a few occasions, so you're not alone.

I've got to put my 2 wee rascals to bed now and have a friend coming over, but if I get a chance to get back on here, I will.

Good morning BangBang. How are you and the kids this morning - did you all sleep OK?

Have you recovered from nearly writing your car off? I hope you have. How is your DH today? Is he coping OK for the time being?

Got to nip off for a wee while, but will be back soon.

Yes I have recovered from it! EEk, was pretty scary. Have not heard from him yet, apparently he has been sleeping downstairs so he can watch the ashes! So he will still be sparko.

Going through to see him later though.

Have to admit, I'm a cricket/footie/rugby widow at the moment - not that it bothers me (keeps DH quiet for a while).

Glad to hear you've recovered. I'm sure the LO's were frightened too.

Good evening BangBang. How have you and the LO's been lately? How is your DH too?

Brrrr cold!!!!

W have not been too bad thank . Dp went to see his key worker yesterday and has gotten some more tabs. He asked me yesterday if he was allowed to have a can of lager. I said no!

You have done right telling him no, although, at least he's got some consideration and asking you. Not only that, but, your doing a great job so far by not backing down. As I've said before, you're a strong woman and that's what he needs to keep him on the straight and narrow.

Are you starting to feel more in control now? Is your DH feeling more in control after all this time off the alcohol? Am I right in thinking he may have a clearer head too?

The best piece of advice I was ever given was this: If you come across a problem, then look for a solution. Simple but effective advice.

Good evening 8BangBang*. How have you been lately? Are you and your LO's OK? How's your DH getting on these days? Has he stayed sober so far or has he wobbled?

A week today.....done so fucking well and then he has to go and fucking spoil it. A polish work mate gave him a bottle of vodka. Dp has just texted me and said he is 'having a couple, sorry babe'

Told him it wouldn't just be a couple and he said it will. I don't believe him.

Crying my fucking eyes out cos he is a tosser.

I know it's hard for him, I know it is, but ffs, he could of given it to someone else, or come to mine and said 'here, was given this but do not want it in the house for risk of temptation'

Bollocks.

And sorry for the swearing

'I'm not needing a drink anymore, I can control it'

After a week? Right.

I can see what will come next

'ill just have a can toinght' etc etc then he will be back to square one.

He says it won't.

Can't sleep now. Feel like he has really let me down, when, in all honesty. he has ler himself down. I asked him how he felt after his 'couple' and he replied with guilty but relaxed.

I know I should not expect too much of him so why do I feel so bloody betrayed?

And, he did tell me, which is good in a way I guess. He could of not even mentioned it. I would never of known.

Should I ring his keyworker?

Maybe he needs to go on the tabs that make him sick at any drop of alcohol.
I think he is currently on the ones that reduce the cravings.

Why could he not just of told his workmate he did not want it? Jeez.

I understand that you're angry/furious/disappointed in your DH for falling off the wagon, so there's no need to apologise for the swearing. Like I said before, it'll be a fairly bumpy ride for a while, but I'll be here if/when you want support on this.

I really don't think you should be losing sleep over this because you haven't caused this situation, he has with years of heavy drinking. Maybe he did only have a couple and he may have been pretty strict on that one, so in that sense, I think he should be cut a little slack but not so much that he can take the piss IYSWIM.

One problem is the workmate giving him the vodka in the first place. The 2 main reasons, I can see why this happened, is either he hasn't told his colleagues he giving up or he has, but his workmates are not interested in him stopping.

All in all, you just have to be wary about him drinking. I think the tablets could well be the way to go. You should also tell the key worker about him drinking. That way they can take a blood sample and see how much he's actually drunk. I vaguely remember reading that it takes a person (depending on how well their liver functions) approx 1hr to process 1 unit of alcohol. AFAIK, decreased liver function = slower alcohol processing.

ATM I'm drinking Kopparberg No-alcohol Pear cider (0.05% vol) and it's lovely and sweet. So if your DH wants to drink, this looks the part and tastes great, but won't get him pissed up. I think Tesco sells them, although they'll probably be in the beer section somewhere with other no-alcohol beers/lagers etc. Could be worth a try.

Going for a wee browse but will be back soon.

I don't think he has told any of his work mates, too embarrassed, understandably.

Mentioned No-alcohol stuff and he laughed at me.

dc fighting so will be back later.

Hi Snowy. Sorry I haven't been around much yesterday, had to go to have a couple of injections in my back to relieve the severe pain.

Anyway, have the DC quit fighting for the meantime? I'm just wondering if they're acting up because of the current situation. Just a thought though. How are you keeping, and has your DH stayed off the alcohol?

As far as I am aware, yes, he's stayed off t.

Don't think the dc's are aware tbh. In a way I am glad that dp and I do not live together at the moment, I wouldn't of been able to cope I don't think!

Sorry to hear about your back! Injections

Hi Snowy. How are your LO's and your good self? Has your DH kept himself off the auld soup (alcohol)?

I'm having a hard time with these injections I had in my back. I was fine (no pain) between Thursday night to Friday lunchtime, but after that the pain has got worse to the point where it has become just short of excruciating. Will see the GP tomorrow as I'm not entirely sure this is normal, although I was told that I'd be sore for about 7-10 days.

Anyway, have you all done much with the kids in the snow, or have you just stayed in and kept snug and warm? Hope you have all been keeping warm enough.

Have you spoken to your DH's key worker about his wobble. I think it would be useful because your input will give them a bigger picture IYSWIM and not just whatever your DH tells them. It also means that things can be stepped up a level if needed.

Sorry, got to go as I can't sit for too long as I'm on the verge of tears due to this damned back pain. Will be back tomorrow though. Take care.