I'm not sure what topic this shoulde be in - Alcohol

[CopingWithAlcohol]

Hiya,
Bit of background about DP.
He has been drinking for years but over the last couple of years it has gotten worse.

I worry so much about his drinking, his health, his future. We have two beautiful children and I want them to grow up with their daddy, who has bundles of energy, who wants to go out all the time and have fun.

My DP and I don?t live together at the moment now, although we are still ?together?. He has depression and alcohol is his way of coping with that, but I know that also the alcohol is the cause of it too.

He doesn?t come up to see us that often (Maybe once or twice one week then nothing the next) and it is because he has no energy, I think, to get out of the house.
It used to be vodka that he drank?.then he moved onto cider, which, in his eyes, wasn?t as bad as it was only an unbranded cider. He is a functioning Alcoholic. He gets up, and goes to work every day.

He has our daughter stay with him one night a week, and every time he has her I am worried sick that that will be the night something horrible happens. What if he has had so much to drink and passes out, banging his head? What if our daughter needs taking to the Doctors/A&E and he is too drunk to drive her, or worse, he decides he is sober enough to drive?

I don?t know why I am posting on here to be honest. Maybe just to get things of my chest, and see it all written down.

He decided to stop drinking yesterday. He stocked up on energy supplies and food. I want to believe that he will stop, but, we have gone through all this before, time and time again, and I have supported him every single time. Maybe this time is different. Maybe not having the kids and myself with him has made him see sense. Who knows.

And how do I know I am being supportive enough? Do I agree with everything he says? I do not have a clue?..I do not want to lose him, I do not want to have to explain to our children why their daddy is dead, and why he chose alcohol over us.

I really hope this is it, this is the time where he really has decided to get his life sorted.

Sorry for any grammar/spelling mistakes, tears are in the way

Any news?

Sorry for wasting your time

An alcoholic father isn't better than no father - which seems to be what you're saying. I have seen far too many children messed up by the actions of alcoholic parents. If he dies, he dies and, although sad, your children would come to terms with it and you would deal with the explanation i.e. Your Daddy was very sick. I would not let your children stay with him unsupervised for the reasons you have outlined. Children learn their behaviour from the adults around them. Worse than learning that it's OK to be drunk is learning that it's OK to put up with someone who drinks heavily.

'Support' comes in many forms and the best support for an alcoholic is professional help and an uncompromising attitude from friends and family. He only decided to give up yesterday. Keep your distance and keep your children at a distance until he has made some progress.

If he won't go to AA, you go to Al-Anon, so you can get some support to find out what kind of decision is going to be best for you and your family regarding his behaviour.

Whose time have you wasted? Not mine, if that's what you think.

However, you may be wasting YOUR time trying to help him on his terms. HIS terms don't work - so either he tries something else or you start looking after you and let him catch up when he's ready.

I have never drunk in my present relationship. I now have a 2-y-o daughter who is everything to me and a partner I love very much.

I can say without doubt that, if I drank again, I would step over both of them to get to the pub, or else take them with me.

Stop letting him step over you, metaphorically or even literally (and, in my case, I do mean literally.) Tell him what your terms are and let him deal with them.

He won't change till he's ready so stop waiting for him.

MIFLAW's right, when he's ready to change, he'll do what it takes.

All you can control is your own behaviour, and right now, some support and advice from a group like Al-Anon can really help.

You haven't wasted my time - I'm here all the time anyway!

Guessing your DP has fallen off the wagon... I'm sorry.

Great advice on here re. alanon, you can talk to people in a similar boat, that might really help.

Your DP has taken a step in that he knows he is an alcoholic. The next thing he needs to do is seek support/help somewhere. I did it with support from MN. Others have used AA. I think it is important to admit you have a problem to people/someone outside your immediate family, as talking about it like that really brings home what you are doing, and makes you realise that you are serious about stopping IYSWIM.

Hope you are feeling OK.

To add though that he won't do it until he wants to do it.

I also think it will be extremely hard while he is not receiving treatment for his depression - if that is the root cause of why he's drinking excessively, then he's not going to be able to stop "taking his medicine" IYSWIM.

ImSoNotTelling, are you still around?

I agree with MIFLAW. As an ex drinker who was bordering on alcoholism so I can see his point too, he has to WANT to FULLY stop, not just say and make a feeble or half-hearted attempt. He needs to have a steely determination to quit. I was like that and I had to get it straight in my head what I was going to do to give up. It was hard giving up but I had to do it. My problem with booze was that 1 was too much and 100 wasn't enough.

I think the main problem is the depression. He's not getting treatment and the worst part is the drinking because alcohol is a depressant in itself. So drinking on top of untreated depression is going to make his situation a whole lot worse. It's not really a great idea to cut out immediately, as he may end up suffering from DT's (also known as the shakes). Awareness of mood swings, shakes etc are just a few things that come with the territory of giving up.

Have to go now as DC will be up at 5.30am and I need my usual 6-7hrs of zeds. Will be back tomorrow morning. Take care.

Hiya,

Things have drastically changed since I started this thread!

DP is, as I speak, just starting his detox!!! I am so so proud of him! And I am keeping my fingers crossed that this all goes well for him.

Good evening. How are you and the kids coping? How is your DH doing so far? I'm pleased he's starting his detox and I'm also hoping he keeps the good work up

The first step to recovery is admitting there's a problem (whatever that may be). He may fall off the wagon, but like any long journey, he'll just have to pick himself up, dust down and move forward again. If he has good support from yourself and the DC, he stands a better chance of getting through it.

It may help to say how proud you are and how well he's done just to get through 1 extra day without a drink. Lack of confidence and self-esteem can be a sticking point to a lot of people. Helping him to be proud of his own achievements regarding alcohol can help him stay more focused when he thinks things are going belly up.

TBH, he's a very blessed man to have you. Will be back tomorrow to see how you're doing. Take care.

Well...day 1 has not gone too bad. He was in a good mood this morning. Not had a drink at all. He messed up with his meds but that's sorted now.

I have been telling him over and over that I am so proud of him, that I am here for him etc.

I know the next few months will be hard but we have been through much worse!

Btw, I found out today how out of hand his drinking had gotten. He had been spending £50 a week on vodka alone, then whatever on cider

Well, I hope that's the last he'll spend on that much drink.

The good mood sounds a promising start, although you'll have to take every day as it comes and just deal with what it brings.

My perogative is to try to be here for you to talk to whenever you need, even if only online. I have voluntary work to do 3 days a week, but am usually on every day at some point.

I have found, though, that the more days I went without alcohol, the more my resolve not to have a drink strengthened. After a while asking for a soft drink came as second nature, to the point where even the thought of an alcoholic drink turns my stomach (DH has been trying to get me to have a wine spritzer, but I'm not going to even have a shandy).

There may be days when he'll be in a foul mood, but don't let that worry or get to you. It's probably part of withdrawal and he could be having a craving at the same time too. The important things to do are to keep the kids informed so they know that mood swings are generally part of their dads condition and not something they've done. Sometimes, if the kids of alcoholics haven't been told of the parents situation, they can blame themselves for the mood swings when the mood swings are down to detox IYSWIM.

The other thing for you to do is to support your DH, but take a step back and try to anticipate when he looks like could wobble/fall off.

From my own experience of falling off the wagon (done many times) a few warning signs are feeling unable to cope (THINKS he needs a drink - this will pass), feeling particularly low but not badly depressed (can't have a drink and doesn't necessarily like it - this will also pass) and being quiet/not talking much (think about how this may affect him). Extra talking and reassurance will help him along and may even stop him faltering. The most important thing is to NOT have drink in the house at all, until you're satisfied he can control his urges. Oh and keep him occupied (go for a walk, take the kids to the park etc) so he's distracted.

One simple way to detox well is to drink green tea. It's full of antioxidants and will help to cleanse the body. If he doesn't like green tea, milk thistle is also good for helping the liver in the detoxifying process. It would also be wise to take a note of what meds he's on and ask your GP if milk thistle can be taken with them.

Hope you have another good day tomorrow. I have work tomorrow morning, but will be back around late lunchtime. Good night and take care.

Thank you for the good advice chilled.

I suppose it's good for him to do it now whilst the kids are young (3+2) so they do not not what is going off. They know daddy drinks mucky beer but obviously do not understand what it is luckily.

I am off to bed now. Although it is not me doing what he is doing, it is damn well draining me at the moment!

Good morning BangBang. How are you and the kids? Any hiccups yet? How is your DH feeling this morning?

Things will get better slowly but surely, so please try to stick it out. Your goal should be to get your DH back to a good standard of living, so focus on that and take each day as it comes and try to deal with any problems as they rise.

The reason for being here so you can talk is simply because I understand what he's going through (to an extent) and I'll try to help you see thing from his angle so you can help him keep on the straight and narrow IYSWIM.

Have to go, but will be back between 1 and 2pm. Take it easy

I've rung him this morning, he is not feeling much different than yesterday, although he says he's been on and off the loo all night, told him it will be all the crap leaving his body.

May go and see him today for a couple of hours if he is up for it.

I keep texting him but don't want him to feel like I am checking up on him. Well, I am, to a certain extent I guess.

Back again BangBang. How are thing at the moment? Are you and the kids doing OK or have there been any setbacks? How do you feel in yourself?

Hello BangBang, are you OK? Is everything alright?

Hiya,

me and the dc stayed over at his last night. He was really quiet so nothing much to report. His key worker came this morning to check his blood pressure and that read fine which is good.

No setbacks so far, he seems to be doing well!

just found this thread,glad he is doing something and so hope he gets through it.My mother was an alcoholic since I was age 5 and I really don't have good memories of her which is so sad as everyone says what a nice person she was and I wish I had known her before she started drinking,saying that I still miss her and love her.

Good to hear that all's OK and your DH doing well at the moment.

It makes sense about the blood pressure. Sometimes, people with addictions who stop/are stopping can get stressed a bit more easily due to withdrawal.

It's a funny thing though, addiction is. Some people can stop and have few or no symptoms and other will be absolutely horrid until the stuff is more or less out of their system.

How are you in yourself? Are you coping OK or are you finding it hard? One of the things you can do is to write a list (if you have the time) of more important stuff which needs to be sorted and leave the less important things for a later time/date.
Make sure you have time to relax, even if it's only a minute of quiet while the kids are sleeping/having a nap.

Will be back tomorrow to see how you're doing. In the meantime, take care.

Been in a shitty mood all day to be honest. Don't know why really. For the last two months he has been really attentive, gives kisses and hugs just for the sake of it and yesterday, hardly anything, and I know that is selfish of me.

I sometimes feel that once he is 'sorted' he will see me in a different light maybe...hard to explain this bit. He's only ever known me whilst he has been drinking, so when he doesn't drink now, he may want someone else. Selfish again of me maybe?

I am really proud of him and cannot believe he has gone 3 days without a drop of alcohol!!

Hi BangBang. I suspect he's going into rough waters IYSWIM. It's going to be a bumpy ride, but I think you'll get through it. You're proud of him, you're a strong woman and your DH is getting stronger by the day.

It's not selfish to hope for something you want. You and your DH have a goal to reach together. Now all you have to do is keep focused on that goal. He will get sorted, but it may be a long, bumpy road.
Every day he's off the booze, his body is recovering. Think of it this way. 3 days is a short way forward, but it's a heck of a long way back again. You just have to make sure you don't go back down that road.

Will be back tomorrow morning to see how things are going. Take care.