dp is an alcoholic - I dont think I can suport him anymore???

[shatteredmumsrus]

My dp is an alcoholic in that he doesnt drink every day but when he drinks he cannot stop and even if we have no money he will find it from somewhere to drink.His father and brother are both alcoholic too. He stays out for very long periods of time and we have split up several times over this. Every time he has admitted a problem and even gone to aa and aquarious a few times. This helped a little but he did not go for long and so the drinking started again. Anyway it has happened again, big row over him being out for 3 days drinking and spending money we dont have. He has cried, admitted he needs to sort himself out and is currently at aa. His mother came round today saying I should support him etc etc. I said if I were her daughter what would she advise me to do - she couldnt answer. He has upset mine and our 2 small boys so much by his very inappropriate actions and behaviour. I feel like I have no respect for him and my priorities are with my children! He needs to sort himself out and stop dragging us down with him. I pay all the bills he uses his money for drink and taking us out occasionally. It really is no way to live! So what I want to know is that am I a cold hearted bitch? Should I support him AGAIN even though I will end up here AGAIN? He has a side of him that is absolutely brilliant, caring, loving and a good dad. Then he has a drink and turns into a selfish monster!His mother has suggested he go to church - no disrespect but Im not into that either. Each to their own eh? I like a drink occasionally and so couldnt imagine living with a tee totaller. Im not prepared to give up what little fun I have. Im doomed either way arent I? Anyone with any sould advice or experience pleaseeeeeee????
xx

In your position I would end the relationship, or at least ask him to leave until he had fulfilled conditions such as attending AA meetings regularly for 6 months and not drinking for that time.

But at the end of your post you say you're not prepared to continue the relationship even if he does stop drinking because you couldn't live with a teetotaller??? Really? What do you expect him to do then? If he is an alcoholic he can't just turn into an occasional social drinker.

I know - you are right. That is what I want but I know he can never be that person. He cant win can he?I guess if I loved him enough I would either support him with his drinking or support him being a teetotaller. Im so confused, I wish I could take the bad person away and have the good man that he can be....Thats the hard part, Iknow he is a good person. It would be far more easy if he had an affair Im sure of it. This is too complex for me to understand. I have to think of the kids but I know they love him so much too --ahhh im stuck. At the moment we areliving together as he refused to leave. I so want my own space though and its killing me living together. The atmosphere is awful and its suffocating me.

bump

I think your mind is made up, you just seem to have had enough and know it has to stop. It is not about good or bad people, life is more complex than that this is about if you and more importantly your children can carry on with this life. I think your answer is no you cannot and for what it's worth I think you are absolutely right to want something better than this. The thing is, even if he gets sober (which I don't think you think he can do) he has killed something inside with all the behaviour that has come out of excessive drinking. You have given up hope of a miracle and rightly so. This does not make you a cold hearted bitch, it makes you a realist and a good parent who is judging this situation on its merits rather than reacting emotionally. Good for you.

I think a good step is to take some legal advice and also get some information from the local alcohol support centre - I think they offer as much support to the family as to the drinker. If you know where you stand re. housing/finance/contact for your children, you will feel stronger. Make a list of the things you need to know, get the answers and then think again when you have some facts. I think this will be terribly hard but you are not responsible for him, you are responsible for yourself and your children and you sound as if you have done all you can.

Sometimes the best way to support a drinker can be to refuse to share a home with them any longer.

wow, hard words but all of them make so much sense, Thankyou your opinions are greatly appreciated. Its so very sad when you see a good person dragged down by something so addictive and destructive. Ifs and buts eh???

Hello,

I have been in your position. I don't think it is unfair to not want to have to support your dp any further. Alchoholism is almost impossible to deal with when the person who is drinking isn't you. In other words, only your dp can help himself.
You on the other hand can make sure you are not enabling him and are getting on with life for you and the children.
By not enabing him I mean, at the moment you are paying the bills etc, any money he has is for him.
If you are serious then he needs to move out and support himself financially. You can get legal advice if he refuses to go.
Alanon are a good source of support for people dealing with a partner or close relative with an alchohol addiction issue.

His mum will be "on his side" because she is his mum and she is not living with the consequences. I think that for your own mental health you really need to disregard her opinions for the moment.
You and your children need to have some peace and some space without dealing with his dramas and issues.

Wishing you peace and a happy resolution for you and your children. x x

Thankyou that was a nice message that fills e with assurance. I am not a bad person and have put up with so much shit. Even I know I deserve better. I do want some peace and a quiet life. I am totally exhausted with it all

Itsmeolord- what happened in your situation of you dont mind me asking???

We are communicating thru letters - its easier that way.He has been to aa last night and tonight and seems positive.He is looking for somewhere to live and agrees that he needs to do it by himself. He is even talking of going to church, his parents both do and it saved his dad from alcohol, apparently. I am very sceptical and I cant see myself with a church goer or a tee totaller. So what do I want? As I type this It sounds hopeless! I want a 'normal' man who can take it or leave it and enjoy going for a drink every now and again with me and enjoy a glass of wine over a meal.I guess dp can never be that man?

I think if I were you I would consider counselling to help you work though what it is you want.

At the moment you sound as if you want an amicable split and to be able to move on for the future but not as a couple.
Which is absolutely fine by the way.

In my situation, we split, he is still an alchoholic as far as I am aware although we have not had contact for many years. He has no contact with dd.

The thing is, every situation is different, your dp could be an alchoholic but retain regular and good contact with the dc with his parents support.

I'm glad he has been to aa but thats only one visit, alchoholism is a long haul if you want to recover.
If he were to recover he would not be able to drink again, so no, your dp couldn't be "that man".

Can I ask why its so important to you to still be able to drink? I feel that if you were truly committed to your partners recovery as part of a couple you would have no issue with this. Its not really a huge ask.

I'm not critiscising you at all by the way, I'm just asking you to explore your own thougts on the future.
A life with no alchohol is not less of a life, it is just a lifestyle choice if you see what I mean. I think it rather telling that you feel unable to make that lifestyle choice for your dp even though it would be a relatively small change.

He is a good dad without the drink, actually he is a good partner without it too. The thing is when he is off the drink he is incredibly moody for a while too - i guess he is de toxing then. I hardly drink at all, the odd night out once a month maybe, if that. When I do I drink wine and get 'merry'. I dont not inflict any abuse or hurt onto anyone. I would miss those night outs, as a working mom of 2 small children I need a blow out every now and again. How could he live with that? Then there are family occasions and christmas, birthdays and new year. Every year we stay at my sisters for new year and have a drink. The kids love staying over and we would not be able to do this or attend any other occasion. Drink is a tiny part of my life I agree but I dont want to end up like my mil who never gors anywhere and never gets invited anywhere either! Having him in the house now is fine, nice in fact even though we are separating - house is being valued Saturday. He is gentle and kind and calming to be around. A world away from the drinking man he sometimes is. He is always like this though for a bit and then everything changes back to 'normal'.Its hard to believe I am doing the right thin when he is like this but only last weekend he went out fri, sat and all day and night Sunday!!!

Thats the trouble isn't it. In between everything is good and you can almost forget how bad it gets.

I do think you are doing the right thing, perhaps in the future he would stop and you would want to get back together but at the moment you need to take one day at a time. The future is a long way off, you and the kids need some peace now.

If he stops drinking he will be walking past off licences and supermarkets and pubs all the time and having to say no. In the long-term, going to events where alcohol is served will have to be managed in the same way - he'll have the chance to drink, but turn it down. I don't mean you should wave drinks under his nose callously - it does make sense to avoid places like that as much as possible, especially at first. I'm sure it will be good for you to have soft drinks when out with him, to reinforce the idea that drink isn't essential for having fun and he's not the only 'deprived' person there. But him being a teetotaller shouldn't mean you yourself never ever go anywhere ever or drink again. You could come to some arrangement where you went out but he didn't, too. It's not all or nothing.

UPDATE - HE HASNT HAD A DROP TO DRINK SINCE I ORIGINALLY POSTED. HE SAID HE HAS SET HIMSELF A GOAL NOT TO DRINK FOR A MONTH, THAT WAY HE KNOWS ITS A HABIT AND HE CAN DO IT.WE HAVE BEEN INVITED TO A PARTY SATURDAY AND HE SAID HE WILL HAVE A DRINK THERE .HE WAS MEANT TO RENEW HIS MEMBERSHIP AT OUR LOCAL SOCIAL CLUB(WHERE HE HAS SPENT THE PAST 5 YEARS) AND HE HAS SAID HE ISNT GOING TO RENEW IT. tHAT IS A GOOD SIGN. iM STILL SO CONFUSED THOUGH - ANY THOUGHTS. tHE MAN I HAVE LIVED WITH FOR THE PAST FORTNIGHT IS THE MAN I WANT AND IM SO SCARED THE OLD ONE WILL COME BACK.ITS QUITE SAD THOUGH BECAUSE I THINK THAT I COULD HAVE HAD THIS FOR THE PAST 6 YEARS AND ALMOST FEEL LIKE ITS BEEN WASTED................

Two issues:

1. "Im not prepared to give up what little fun I have." Why on earth does him being a teetotaller affect your fun? I am a recovering alcoholic, my partner is not, she drinks normally, I have never drunk since she's known me, never been a problem.

2)"HE SAID HE HAS SET HIMSELF A GOAL NOT TO DRINK FOR A MONTH"
"WE HAVE BEEN INVITED TO A PARTY SATURDAY AND HE SAID HE WILL HAVE A DRINK THERE"

In my experience, this has "FAIL" written all over it. Get him to go back to AA and keep going back. Or tell him that the next time he gets drunk (your definition, not his) you want him to leave. Then follow through on that. Because he will.

MIFLAW - I know you have a lot of experience in this area but the above appears a little harsh!

hf - which bit is harsh? The man has admitted he has a drink problem. A drink problem means you can't control your drinking. And he intends to drink again. Please explain to me how this is likely to have a happy ending.

Of course, it is up to the OP whether she asks him to stay, leave, or sleep in the shed. But, if he drinks again, misery is alomst guaranteed, so she needs to decide how she is going to react to that, tell him, and then follow it through.

Of course, it goes without saying (I hope) that I mention AA solely because, to date, that has been his choice of solution. Any solution that works will do, but drinking again is doomed unless I have missed something or unless the OP has omitted to tell us something.

I don't think MIFLAW sounds harsh, he sounds like understands about alcoholism and how devestating it can be on the family around the alcoholic?

Harsh was the wrong word - you are just being realistic which is probably the best thing.

AA and all those help groups can be very annoying but the one very helpful thing they say is that you are powerless to help. you really are. he has to want to get better and it is a long road. of course you need peace and so do your children. at nearly 50 memories of my dad's drinking still cause me pain. don't listen to anyone else tho you will know the right thing to do if you're still and quiet. good luck

I lived with an alcoholic for many years and it nearly destroyed me. He was a nice guy between binges - that we have in common. Unfortunately, what I thought was support he just used to enable his continuing habit. When I was willing to forgive and trust, he interpreted it as weakness. When I put my foot down he despised me.

As you have small children, my suggestion would be that you have to part company. No question about it. If he knows you are unhappy enough about his behaviour to remove his children from him, he might change tack. But all the time you stick around, your children are getting a very warped idea of how Daddys behave.

It was only after my husband left that I realised how close I'd come to disappearing and how low my self-esteem had sunk. You're not being hard-hearted when it comes to self-preservation and protecting your kids.

His mother obviously loves him. Maybe he could go and live there?

Update - he has moved out. The house is calm and peaceful - no 'dramas' or 'scenes'. But I miss him, pathetic I know. I just want him to hold me. However I know he hasnt changed, he was out on a bender on the first night he left and has had a drink most days since. He is working really hard and has supported me financially since leaving. He sai how is he meant to do if I dont know what I want, he still loves me but we needed time apart or we would start to hate each other. We went for a curry Monday and had a really nice night. Im sooooooo confused.............

He has said he isnt ready to stop drinking altogether, he needs to focus and drink in moderation. I wish he could do that but it always ends in disaster. He said I am negative and should try and be more positive about things. I think deep down I know he will never stop but I cant help loving him. What the hell am I meant to do? Maybe he can just have a sociable drink, its when he goes back to peoples houses to carry on and comes in really late that I cant handle anymore.He said he cannot live his life under a microscope anymore. I analyse everything he does. I used to be so laid back and this has changed everything. I think too much, he has suggested that we just try and be friends for now and see what happens, Please respond anyone .......

I have several friends who are alcoholics. Not one of them has been able to do the 'social drinker' thing. They thought they could, but they can't. Over the years I have seen various outcomes... from death to a life free from alcohol.

It takes a strong person to give it up and stay off it. Part of that is self belief, but I think part is the support from family and - as others have said - that the 'enabling' behaviour ceases.

So maybe 'friends' is all you can be whilst he continues to drink. If he appreciates you and your relationship then maybe he will see what he needs to do...