My Alcoholic mum ..what can i do ...

[mumof2000]

Hi there i need some advice/help ...im at my wits end not knowing what i should do ..

My mum IS an Alcoholic although she thinks shes just a "topper upper drinker "as she puts it .

She has drank for many years , right back when i was at home in my teenage years ..and im now 37 ...
Her and my dad had a up and down relationship , i left home at 16 couldnt wait to leave , my elder sister left 2 years before me and my brother before that ..
eventually my mum and dad seperated as my dad was having an affair , my mum was tormented with this for many years and had susspicions for a long time .

So obviously this was a bad time all round , mum left dad
rented somewhere els ..
moving on they eventually got divorced and sold the marital home had a sum of money each and moved on , both now with new partners .
Mums drinking has really got worse the past few years i guess, iv noticed things , shes now very , forgetfull , depressed, low self asteam, i have to be so carefull what i say as she interprits it in a totally different way , she cant sleep , eat , shes on AD , she looks dreadful , she lies to me .
i feel totally responsable for her and worried for her saftey ... she will not listen to me and iv tried so hard , we had tears the other day i thought we were getting somewhere , then she doesnt remember what we spoke about , i had no idea how deep she was to be honest , im going to talk to her partner as i think he should carry some of this weight to ... i could cry im so upset , i feel so help less and feel iv lost my mum .

thanks for listening sorry so long ...

It's a horrible situation for you

But it's NOT your responsibility, it really isn't. I know that's hard to accept because you worry and care for her. But she's not your responsibility

Does she accept she has a problem with alcohol? For example, would she go to the GP and say "I think I've got a problem with alcohol" ? Would she go to an AA meeting?

Thanks , she knows deep down yes she has a problem , i spoke with her suggesting she cut down/ give up just for one day , she said she couuldnt , she suposidly has had many scans tests by doctors but all come back fine ... although i do wonder ...she is seeing a counsellor not for the alcohol , just cos shes on AD and docs thought she needs to talk , they suggested she go on a shopping spree to cheer her self up ...
She does think she has a problem im sure , iv pointed out all the things shes feeling are totally due to the alcohol messing with her brain , the loss of appitite , (cos shes filing up on Vodka ) the sleepless ness , the anxiety , depression is all alcohol induced ... she will not see that she said no no its not the alcohol its just me , i never used to be like this etc ... then i said you never used to drink like this ...
I do tread carefully as she is quite mixed up one min tears next angry , im frightened of what she may do as she did say sometimes she doesnt want to wake up ...

Thats a nice thing to tell me isnt it ...

so i do have to be carefull as i dont want to push her to far ..

thanks again , and forgive my bad spelling .x
i

Can't really offer much advice as I'm in the same situation but just wanted to let you know you're not the only one who can't get through to their mum!

I've tried for years to get my mum back on the right track, and my sister has too. She still lives at home so its usually her who has to deal with the worst of it these days.
Like you said, you can talk and talk as much as you like but they just don't remember any of it the next day.

My mum always suggests I go out with DH on a night when we visit (we live the other end of the country now) but I couldn't bring myself to leave her incharge of DS.

On a night, about '3/4 way down a bottle o' clock' my mum will admit she has a problem and say she really wants help but doesn't know where to start, but the next night she'll drink a bottle of wine again.
Its been like this for the last 11yars now

Wish I could help you, if you do find the way to deal with it please let me know!

I think you need some help for yourself, too

Being the loved one of an addict/alcoholic is a very difficult position to be in

It's important you remember that none of it is yours (or anybody else's fault) and that you can't change her or make her better

It sounds like she's been ill for years, with alcohol being a very significant factor

Al-Anon may be a good starting point for you, if your Mum is reluctant to address the alcoholism directly herself

Their philosophy (basically) is that you can't change a person but by changing your own behaviour you may influence the other person's behaviour... ie, allow consequences to happen that will force them to take stock or look at things with honest eyes

Sorry that;s terribly rambly, take a look at the link

Thank you both , i will take a look i have to go out now but will be back later ...thanks for support , comfort to know im not alone ,its not a subject i can freely talk about with friends or work collegues .

back later
xx

You are SO NOT alone

I can't remember the exact statistic but I think for every 1 person addicted a further 10 are affected by the consequences of it

Nearest and dearest get it the worst, obviously... mainly because they care about the person, they try to 'fix' them, to make it better for them. But this just makes the addict worse because they have someone mopping up the mess for them, so thay don't have any hard realities or consequences to face

Hope this makes sense and good luck. I know what having an addict in the family is like, but with the right support you can make it easier for YOU (even if your Mum isn't ready to get help yet)

mumof2000...my father was an alcoholic right to the end so i know how you feel.

It is a terrble ILLNESS and addiction. They do not realise the mahem they cause around them,and if they do,some of them dont care.

Unfortunately alcohol causes sleeplessness because the body produces adrenalin to compensate for the effect of alcohol. Some antidepressants can make you more agitated as a side effect.AD's can make you forgetful too as they slow the brain down. But she should not be drinking with AD's.

i know notnowbernard said its not your responsibility...but if you love your mum...it is natural to feel that it is.
My psych(when i had depression) said to me that you can either take other peoples problems on board and help them deal with them,or you can help them but not allow the problem to affect your life,because it isnt really your problem...its hers.IYGWIM. I know thats a bit complex but its true.Some peopple have a great ability to help without it affecting their own lives others dont.It depends how much you have at stake...family,husband etc and how involved you get.
I guess you have two choices,you either tell her you will walk away as it will have a profound effect on your life,or you stay and give her support before she gets some serious illness like pancreatitis and liver damage.
Having had pancreatitis due to gall stones i most certainly wouldnt want that AGONY due to alcohol and that will be the next stage for her.....

Sit down and have a real heart to heart....can she come and stay with you to keep her away from alcohol. Talk to her about her low self esteem and wat has caused it,as it isnt always the obvious things.
Sorry such a long post...it is quite near to the heart for me

mum....just realised i was talking to you on the other thread. No wonder you have health anxiety. All this with your mum is not helping you at all. Deep down you know you have got to get yourself strong enough to deal with your mum otherwise you will go under too.

Your mouth thing is definitely stress related ...please believe me.
I know its probably a very direct question but with you having HA....have a think as to what is causing HA to dominate your life. Are you suffering from alot of problems yourself or is it mainly HA. Have you had any positive results back to say that you are poorly or is it predominantly worry/anxiety that you might be ill.

Alypaly I hear what you're saying about responsibility, but we are NOT responsible for other people's behaviour/illness (ie their addiction)

It's natural to want to look after (caretake?) the person with the illness, but that doesn't help the addict in the long run, especially if they are still in some denial about it ("It's not alcohol, it's depression", "My life is so shit do you blame me for needing a drink" etc etc)

Supporting someone is quite different than being, or feeling, responsible for them. We are responsible for ourselves and our children, not other adults

By picking up the pieces time after time we are simply delaying the process of change or recovery... because WE are dealing with the crap and the consequences, not the person... why should they bother to sort it out when there is someone close who cares who will do it instead?

I hope that makes sense. It's such a nightmare situation, I know (have seen it personally and professionally)

Which is why it is so important the loved-ones of addicts/alcoholics get support for themselves

Sorry no real advice, I am just that your mum is in councelling for depression, and presumably they have a clue she may have addicition issues, and they recommended she go on a shopping spree???????

That is the most mind-bogglingly stupid thing I have heard in a long time.

mumof2000 I am so sorry you are having to deal with all this.

IME people with addiction issues bumble through statutory and non-statutory services for ages sometimes before someone (either themselves or a professional) picks up on the fact that the primary problem is dependency related.

All the counselling in the world will make no difference if the person continues to use or drink in a chaotic way, or if they remain in denial about their addiction

i am agreeing with you notnow....i said its natural to feel that it is...and as its her mum,its difficult to detach from it.

its very difficult because if you had a mentally ill adult,say a relative...not only would you want to support them,you would want to care for them...and i believe alcoholism is a mental illness as it involves an awful lot of depression. I am not saying that mumof 2000 should take the whole burden on her shoulders....she should only take on what she feels capble of dealing with as she is fragile too.

sorry i meant to write 'natural to feel that she has some responsibility' .
Their alcoholism although socially unacceptable is a terrible illness although initially self inflicted.

I also agree it's an illness, which seriously affects a person's mental health. I wouldn't go so far to say it's a mental illness though... for example, you can't be sectioned under the Mental Health Act because of a primary addiction problem

I kind of see it as an illness like diabetes. You can't help it, you've got it. It may even be part of your genetic make-up. But you can take responsible steps to manage it, keep it in check, stop it getting worse and taking over your life. But to do that you will need regular monitoring and support from the appropriate people, and you will need to adapt or adjust your life accordingly

If you continue to eat inappropriately, neglect your health, drink excessive alcohol, and don't take your prescribed meds you will become v v sick

no i know its not a mental illness persay in that you can be sectioned for but depression is also under the banner of mental illness and you cant be sectioned for just plain depression. it is just an umbrella term that covers such a vast range of disturbing psychological issues

You can be sectioned if you are depressed and are considered a serious risk to yourself (ie if you are actively suicidal, or have attempted to take your life, or have suicidal intent)

unfortunately i see alcoholism as much worse than that..it is more like drug addiction,to cocaine and heroin...you know it can kill you but cant /wont do anything about it. I ahve seen it first hand as my best friends daughter was an alcoholic and a drug addict and she eventually hanged herself. But if we take the time to find out the route cause(and hers was sexual abuse) maybe ,just maybe we can help them see the light at the end of the tunnel and help them along the way.

Real addicts cant take responsible steps because they are not capable of making the right decision. the right decision for them is to have another drink and it might go away. I have lived with an alcoholic father all my life and have had to deal with it,warts an all.

you know what i am saying not now...i said just plain depression....there are degrees of everything.

I have been through similar, the only way for me to save my sanity was to accept that nothing I could do would influence her behaviour.

I agree with many points by Aly and NNB, but, eventually, one has to consider ones own mental health.

Assissting an Alcoholic to cope with life (supporting them) is enabling them to continue their lifetyle. Making decisions for them (about them or their lifestyle) is denying their rights as a sentinient being.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but I lived through years of heartbreak with my own mother - me trying to change her, her playing along for a bit going to hospital and then rehab, me seeing a light at the end of the tunnel, her being drunk again within 24 hours of being out of rehab having spent 3 months drying out, her blaming me, me blaming me, me picking up the peices and paying her bills, arranging her home help/meals on wheels etc.

Sadly she died of alcoholic poisoning and chirrosis, but nothing I (or the mental health teams/social workers etc) did could have changed this. But my only regret is this...I did not just accept that this is who she was and love her, faults and all, as my mother as toxic and damaging as she had been during my life.

Try Al Anon, they are a great support.

i agree with lucky...deal with your own family,your own personal issues first and then if you have any energy left,assist her. Shock her if it helps. Tell her you will walk away. Try and get a reaction,something that triggers off some kind of emotion in her.

I don't see alcoholism as any different from drug addiction

Ofcourse addicts need support, but in order for that to happen they need to make the decision to get support

Unfortunately in order for them to get to that point, serious consequences may need to occur in order for them to ask for and get help

Ie, they may need to lose a job, a marriage, a child, go to prison, end up seriously physically unwell... all the while there is someone bailing them out - enabling - ie, paying the mortgage on their behalf, covering up or making excuses for it, buying drugs for their teen so 'at least it keeps them off the street'... it will be very difficult for that person to seek and accept the need for help

Also agree with the 'tough love' concept

But you need to see this through, not just threaten it

Boundaries are essential when dealing with addiction, because generally addiction doesn't have any

mumof2000,if your mum is lying to you ,she is betraying the mother and daughter bond. This is not the mum that you knew and loved as a child. She needs serious help as the lying will get worse...
Alcoholics are like addicts,they can con you into believeing you are helping so try not to be manipulated by her and dont feel guilty..it is not your fault that she is like she is.

WOW just got back in , what a response ..thank you all so much for advice and kind encouraging words .
And lucky for sharing your experience with me , must have been hard times for you to ?

Iv been thinking most of the day about my situation and struggling to know what to do next ...
she needless to say hasnt phoned me ...and i doubt will as she doesnt want to face another chat abot it im sure .

I will call her partner tomorrow as she will be home now and talk to him and see what he thinks of it all , im sure he thinks she is fine as he drinks to , i dont think he has a clue that she is hiding it or indeed drinking in the day .
I know Alcohol is an addiction and she is ill because of it , we had a heart to heart the other day , i went round to see her, as was worried , it was only 11am and i could tell she had had some before i arrived , and did the nipping out of the room thing from time to time so she could have a quick sip ...
we talked about her drinking , she got quite cross the moment i mentioned it and said 'i know what your going to say and i dont need a lecture from you '' as she is quite fragile and unpredictable i went the route of ''im worried ''i care about you way '' a she had had a drink i wasnt sure how she would react , we talked for some time and i really thought i'd got through to her a bit ..but i couldnt have done as shes still the same ...
my main worry is that she is soooo unhappy and hates life and i worry if she was seriously ill or something happens to her , maybe if id tried harder i could have stopped it or helped more , and thats what im finding hard to live with i guess ,
she has had variouse scans done , blood tests etc and to be honest i know this sounds awful but part of me was hoping something would come up so she would have to stop drinking and get better ...but she has said all was fine ..

I think theres a part of her that wants to stop but saying and doing are different things , maybe i could suggest rehab ? how much would hat cost and can you get it on NHS ?
sorry for long rant again , thanks all .

dont know about the costs privately...i am sure it is pretty expensive. Why dont you suggest going to her gp with her. If she is drinking so much it will affect all her vitamin intake and she will become very ill if doc doesnt know about it.

Dont be tough on yourself,you are not to blame...she dramk the drinks and allowed herself to drink more and more at a time when she new what she was doing.
Do you have children of your own mum