My Alcoholic mum ..what can i do ...

[mumof2000]

Hi there i need some advice/help ...im at my wits end not knowing what i should do ..

My mum IS an Alcoholic although she thinks shes just a "topper upper drinker "as she puts it .

She has drank for many years , right back when i was at home in my teenage years ..and im now 37 ...
Her and my dad had a up and down relationship , i left home at 16 couldnt wait to leave , my elder sister left 2 years before me and my brother before that ..
eventually my mum and dad seperated as my dad was having an affair , my mum was tormented with this for many years and had susspicions for a long time .

So obviously this was a bad time all round , mum left dad
rented somewhere els ..
moving on they eventually got divorced and sold the marital home had a sum of money each and moved on , both now with new partners .
Mums drinking has really got worse the past few years i guess, iv noticed things , shes now very , forgetfull , depressed, low self asteam, i have to be so carefull what i say as she interprits it in a totally different way , she cant sleep , eat , shes on AD , she looks dreadful , she lies to me .
i feel totally responsable for her and worried for her saftey ... she will not listen to me and iv tried so hard , we had tears the other day i thought we were getting somewhere , then she doesnt remember what we spoke about , i had no idea how deep she was to be honest , im going to talk to her partner as i think he should carry some of this weight to ... i could cry im so upset , i feel so help less and feel iv lost my mum .

thanks for listening sorry so long ...

another one here with a mum who has a drink problem, is she an alcoholic??? I would probably say yes, if drinking as soon as she starts to make the evening meal means she can open the wine/cider etc.

It's incredibly hard to deal with, sometimes she agrees she has a problem, but she would never say she's an alcoholic.

She knows we hate it, she knows we hate situations where alcohol is present, especially my DB who lives at home still. We all go but are stressed, tense and cannot enjoy ourslves because we know how it will end, with us getting her to the car, and out the other end, whilst she can hardly walk. That people, including family will see how she is, and yes, it embarrasses us.

I really dislike asking her to babysit, as I'm worried how she'll manage with DC's after she's had a few drinks, and that makes me feel really sad.

I realise and understand I cannot make her stop, that we , myself, my DF and DB cannot make her stop, that she has to do that for herself, but she comes out with pathetic excuses, gets emotional, says I'm the same because I smoke.

I know she worries about the health implications.... just not enough to stop.

It's about the only situation I stick my head in the sand about

Yes, Mum it was tough, but I am the same age as you and she has been dead for 9 years now, so I am a very different person to then.

You saying about how you were hoping some tests would scare her into stopping? Been there!

My mother was admitted to the psych ward 3 times, each time because they would have sectioned her if she didn't agree to go in, to dry out - she had fits if she stopped drinking without medication. She also then went on twice to NHS funded rehab, but her heart wasn't in it as she had only agreed to go in to stay in control - something she would have lost if she'd been sectioned.

There are also good Charities that run subsidised rehab (The Kenward Trust near where I live) for extra support after medically supervised drying out.

Thanks again ,
Alypaly - yes i have 2 DC 9 and 7 . my mum hardly sees them as long ago i caught her drinking once when she had them both whilst i had a dentist appt , she got dropped off by her DP , i saw the car and knew she would poss drink , but had this appt and i couldnt break it , so i went there and traight back gone for 45min tops , i returned to find her a bit pissed and cooking with the children , i then tasted her what looked like orange squash to discover it was laced with vodka .
so from that day she has never had them alone , if we go to hers ( once in a blue moon ) we dont stay long and im always there .
she has not asked to have them either im sure she knows i wont let her and again doesnt want to talk about the reason why .
moonmother- sorry to here your situation to sounds bad to .i feel very sad to that my mum cant help or be involved in the childrens life . she came to see a christmas play at the school 2 years ago and again her DP drove so alarm bells rang , true enough she was pickled and i sat her at the back with me as i was so embaressed ...

lucky- sounds a very hard time for you .

im sure something is wrong with my mums liver or

another organ got to be , shes not eating much , she already has high BP , has thyroid problem , vit b12 problems and just recently a urine infection had 3 lots of antibiotics and still not right ..and shes only 63 ....
very sad to see

x

mumof2000

Oh I do feel for you because you are taking on her drink problem as well. You have likely became super responsible as a child primarily because of her drinking. The types of responses you have given is commonly seen in adult children of alcoholic parents.

You need support and Al-anon can really help you here. You need to emotionally detach, you're caught up on the merry go around that is alcoholism as well. You also play as role as her partner does. It has to stop.

You are NOT repeat NOT responsible for her.
I cannot emphasise it enough.

Basically there is NOTHING you can do to help your Mother. Do not go to the GP with her either, in any event she will not likely go there with you. Rehab is of no use to your Mother either because she does not want to admit to herself she has a long standing drink problem. She does not want to really face why she started to drink in the first place (there are always reasons as to why). And she likely will not either. For goodness sake do not offer to pay for rehab because rehab won't do your Mum any good, that money would be better spent on your own family unit instead of her.

They are truly the most selfish of people.
It is not surprising to me either that your Mum's partner drinks as well; this enabling as well on his part also fuels your Mums chronic alcoholism problem. He likely knows of the extent of her problem but has chosen to bury his head in the sand and ignore the blindlingly obvious.

You can only help your own self here and I would urge you to contact Al-anon as they are very good at helping family members of problem drinkers.

You need also to remember the 3cs re alcoholism:-

You did NOT cause it
You CANNOT control it
You CANNOT cure it

I would urge you to look at their website:-

www.al-anonuk.org.uk

I am saddened though not totally surprised to see that she became an alcoholic many years ago.

Alcohol also acts as a depressant and over time can cause memory problems if continually drunk to excess. It has undoubtedly affected both her short and long term memory. The long term effects of excessive alcohol consumption are many and varied, it does not just affect liver function.

Thank you Attila, i know your right and will contact al-anon tomorrow , my DH and i were just chatting about it to just now . suggested i do not contact her at all let her call me , chances are she wont for a while as not wanting to face another grilling on her drinking .

she will now think i am the enemy im sure .
the only other thing i thought of trying is to make contact with her doctor , i know she cant discuss my mothers health issues , but at least she will know i am worried and maybe she will intervene a bit ? or aybe she cant ...oh i dont know maybe im clutching at straws ..now .

I have discussed this with my sister who lives far away and she says the same as you all really iv done my best and have to let her get on with it .
My brother i have told to but he just wants to storm in there and give her a talking to ... but i think this would make matters worse .
although he hasnt called my mum in months evon before this flare up ...
he then went and told my dad who now is involved , he says he wants to help by supporting me , he cant believe how bad shes got , i cant tell him everything as im sure he to will storm in there and have a go ...

vitamin b12 deficiency is a classic side effect of alcoholism. So is needing penicillin and folic acid,ferrous sulpate as the body doesnt absorb these properly when the liver is affected. I really feel for you. Just keep you and your children safe

mumof2000,

Talking about her alcoholism to her GP won't be of any use really because once again your Mother has to want to seek treatment. It is all too clear that she does not want to accept any help re her alcoholism.

All you and your siblings can do is live your own lives, harsh as that likely sounds. You CANNOT fix or rescue these people, they don't want it. Your Dad and or brother giving her a talking to will have no effect on her behaviour, it won't work. These people are never amenable to any reasoned argument.

If you receive literature from Al-anon show this to all your siblings and Dad.

Your sister who lives some distance away has the right approach i.e let your Mum get on with it.

You are all caught up in the merry go around too so outside support is vitally important for all family members. I note you are going to call Al-anon today, please do so!!.

Morning , and thanks again for supporting threads , it really is a huge help as i am in a emotional state and am trying to come to terms with what is should be doing .
a comfort also to here im not alone and sadly there are many others in similar situations or who have first hand experience in this ...

trying to get some christmas shopping today as only day off this week , my DH does not wnt my mum coming to ours over christmas at all , for the sake of the children and he doesnt want it in our home , which neither do I .
havent discussed any dates with my mum as she is on another planet.. but im guessing she wants me to go there at some point over the period , my DH wont go and doesnt want me to go either , im worried to go as she will be drinking nd children will see this , but i also worry how i get out of it and that will push her lower into the bottle ..
thinking ahead i know but theses are issues that keep me awake at night ...

I will call mums DP today and give him the update on things and will get to here what he thinks .
and call al-anon and see how that goes .

thanks again all of you x

YOU will not push her further down the bottle, SHE will do that

Again, you are not responsible for when or how much she drinks

I agree with your DP about Christmas, btw. I think it's more than reasonable for you to tell your Mum honestly why you can't have her in your house, ie you will not have her drinking and being drunk in the house around you and your DC

As I said, boundaries and honesty are so important with addicts, even if they won't/can't hear the truth

Glad you're contacting Al-Anon. I hope you're ok, I know what a nightmare situation it is

maybe the shock tactics of 'mum.i am not comimg over at all this xmas until you get your act together. Tell her how much she is detroying your life and tell her you will wlak away for good@. Sometimes shock works.

Hi all , update ..

Called my mums partner and put him in the pictue on how im feeling and how worried i am , he to start with did the shes alright ...thing until i told him a few thigs that have happened then he opened out a bit more , saying he knows she drinks to much and has tried to talk to her about it but again she's not interested ..told me a few occasions when she had been drunk with him when they were out etc and said she wont be told , but is going to try and talk with her carefully and pick his moment ...
hes a very placid man calm sort of person who also goes along with whatever she says i think .
i do feel a bit better knowing that he knows how i feel and that i am concerned etc .. maybe he will have better luck than me ..

I also called al-anon , spoke to a very nice lady , who has given me web details of a meeting place i could go if i wanted , to talk to others about how this effects life and how i can cope and move on with my life without the guilt/resposability i feel right now .

does anyone know if theres a help line i could call to talk to someone over the phone for advice , cant see me making a meeting this side if christmas , as its an hour away , and so much going on school / work / christmas etc ,
taking children swimming lesson now back later xx

Hi mumof2000,

This is Al-anon's usual helpline number:-

Al-Anon Family Groups UK & Eire
61 Great Dover Street, London SE1 4YF
Confidential Helpline 020 7403 0888
(Helpline available 10 am - 10 pm, 365 days a year)

I don't think your Mother's partner will have any luck with her either; such people are not open at all to any reasoned discussion. Also denial is a powerful force and some alcoholics are mired in denial.

thanks, thats the number i called , can you just talk to them on the phone ? i should have asked they gave me all info on meetings .but i need to talk to someone sooner i think .

many thanks though x