I cant seem to pull myself out of these baby blues!!

[insertwittynicknameHERE]

Not sure if this is the right topic for this.

DD2 will be 6 weeks old tomorrow. I started feeling quite down and tearful about 2 weeks after giving birth, with DD1 the 'baby blues' came pretty much immediately, so I figured that I was lucky not to get them with DD2.

Until about 4 weeks ago when I started feeling so sad, crying all the time (I don't even know why I cry) I cant seem to get my head around the most basic of tasks. I feel confused, but mostly just so so sad. Which is ironic as I have so much to feel happy about.

DD2 is a dream, we have had problems with BF but things are getting better and easier.

I thought it would only last a couple of weeks but I still feel like this. I have good days, very good days then awful days when I feel so wretched.

On my bad days I think constantly of ending it, but couldn't bear to leave my girls, then I feel guilty for thinking like that and for feeling the way I do.

I don't know where to go from here. I cant talk to DH as he doesn't deal well with things like this, mum and dad have too much on, my best friend is busy with her own family and her 3 little girls. My GP is okay but I don't feel comfortable with her TBH.

Yesterday was a good day up until DD2 was rushed to a hospital in an ambulance. All because I turned my back for all of a few seconds, and DD1 thinking she was helping me, picked DD2 up by her bloody head and promptly dropped her as I was running towards them both.

Such a stupid moment of a lapse of concentration. DD2 felt weird to me IYSWIM, she screamed blue murder, I rang NHS direct they sent an ambulance because DD2 felt floppy to me and wouldn't focus her eyes.

I was so bloody scared and only just managed to keep calm enough to confirm my address etc with the ambulance people when NHS direct put me through.

DD2 is fine, thank god, just a little grisly today.

I am not coping at all, DD2 is being very challenging today, although she is doing fantastic at the potty training. DD2 is crying A LOT. The dogs keep getting under my feet and I need to get out but I also need to be in a better frame of mind before taking DD2 our nappy less so that I am able to cope. How stupid does that sound I cant cope with a nappy less DD2 out of the house. My poor kids deserve so much better than me.

I plucked up the courage to call my HV earier but she only works Tuesdays and Wednesdays and I couldn't go through with having to explain to someone else about my PND. I told the lady I spoke to that I will ring my HV next week, she asked if I was okay, I lied and said yes.
I seriously have no one that I can talk to right now and I feel like I am sinking.

I have an appointment with a locum GP tomorrow, so hopefully I will be getting somewhere soon.

I really need to talk to somebody today but don't know who, does anyone know if there is anything I can access now?

Bump

Just wanted to say Hi, sorry you're having such a tough time. I read your thread a few weeks ago, but never posted. Maybe you could try ringing HV's again. I know your regular one is off but helping mums like you is part of their job!!

Me again! Is there any chance you could leave the potty training for a few weeks? Also can your DH let you get a bit more sleep over the next few days? I've got a 9wk old DS and i know how much worse I feel when I've had a bad night. I've had PND myself in the past and know how horrible it is.

IWN How are things now? What a time you're having, hope baby is ok and hope you're recovering from the shock a bit. I know you feel really bad, but you're not a terrible mother, or stupid, and it's not a question of not coping. It's just the PND affecting you. Can you say a few kind words to yourself? You're doing a great job of hanging in and doing what has to be done, even dealing so well with the mishap with the baby, and helping your DD1 with the potty training. When you talk with the locum gp, just pour it all out. Do this for you.

Did you manage to get out with the LOs?

Any news, IWN?

I saw a locum doctor earlier on today and she has started me on citalopram, not sure how I feel about it TBH. I wanted it but I didn't, not making much sense am I.

Feeling like crap and hate not being able to just get DH to understand, he is so black and white that I could scream.

Have you been able to print anything out for him? Do you have any baby preparation books with a section about PND? Or maybe this is best left for when the dust settles and the two of you could go and talk about it with a counselor. It seems like the kind of thing that could cause a lingering problem if it's not hashed out.

Glad to hear you've started on the citalopram and I hope your sleep improves with it. I know exactly what you mean when you say you wanted it but you didn't. It would be great if no-one ever needed it, but it's such a great thing to have if it's needed.

I think it might be from the side effects of the citalopram but I feel really detached from myself, like I am looking into myself from the outside. Not making a lot of sense but I feel really odd. I am also very restless I cant stop moving and jiggling my arms and legs. My anxiety seems to be at an all time high and my OCD has returned with a vengeance. I am fighting really hard not to sink into the OCD too much IYSWIM.

I am taking the DD's out to the library today and then I will probably go for a coffee. I need to stay out of the house for a bit and get back into a normal life routine. I am hoping a good walk will help me get rid of some of this restlessness.

Have you thought of seeing the OCD counselor you mentioned before?

I think getting out and finding a 'normal' routine is a great idea. Getting a bit of air and exercise and social contact can ease things a bit and you feel more like a human for a few hours, IYKWIM. The out-of-body experience and restlessness might be side effects as you get used to the Citalopram -- you could mention them when you have a follow up GP visit if they're still a concern at that time. When is the next HV visit?

Not sure about seeing him again I can cope (just). He gave me some things to do when I get bad like this, and it is hard but it is working, slowly anyway.

I am feeling a bit better today, the Citalopram is making me very jittery and jumpy, I cant seem to stay still lol. I am still not sleeping, as I just cant seem to 'come down' from the day IYSWIM. I am also having some bloody weird dreams and nightmares, even more so for me as I have horrible nightmares and vivid dreams anyway.

My HV dropped by for an unannounced visit yesterday. I had only just got back in from meeting a friend of mine for coffee in town and the house was a bloody tip I hadn't even put the breakfast pots in the dishwasher and I hadn't hoovered or folded the washing ready to take upstairs. I was very, very . She is coming to see me again next Wednesday. I think the GP has spoken to her about me going to see her, and asking for the AD's.

Well, I'm glad the HV will be stopping by, and I hope you won't feel so about the house. Wish I could send a photo or two of how mine often looks. Maybe relaxing a bit about how you are being perceived, by the HV and the DH for example, and not putting pressure on yourself to look as if you're 'coping well' will mean you will get a bit more help and support, IYSWIM? Don't knock yourself out cleaning and trying to impress the HV. That kind of stress would be counter-productive. Hope the ADs will continue to improve things and that you'll soon get some quality sleep in. xxx

Hi there -- how are things going?

Hiya, things are better thank you. I'm feeling a little less jittery lol. I think the side effects have started to settle down now, thankfully.

Still not sleeping much, but have a bad left hand side abdominal pain which radiates around my back which is also keeping me awake.

Gosh, I wonder what that could be. Did you pull a muscle? Glad things are getting a bit better and I hope you'll get some sleep