I cant seem to pull myself out of these baby blues!!

[insertwittynicknameHERE]

Not sure if this is the right topic for this.

DD2 will be 6 weeks old tomorrow. I started feeling quite down and tearful about 2 weeks after giving birth, with DD1 the 'baby blues' came pretty much immediately, so I figured that I was lucky not to get them with DD2.

Until about 4 weeks ago when I started feeling so sad, crying all the time (I don't even know why I cry) I cant seem to get my head around the most basic of tasks. I feel confused, but mostly just so so sad. Which is ironic as I have so much to feel happy about.

DD2 is a dream, we have had problems with BF but things are getting better and easier.

I thought it would only last a couple of weeks but I still feel like this. I have good days, very good days then awful days when I feel so wretched.

On my bad days I think constantly of ending it, but couldn't bear to leave my girls, then I feel guilty for thinking like that and for feeling the way I do.

I don't know where to go from here. I cant talk to DH as he doesn't deal well with things like this, mum and dad have too much on, my best friend is busy with her own family and her 3 little girls. My GP is okay but I don't feel comfortable with her TBH.

Hang in there, and hope you'll have some good days between now and then -- your GP may really surprise you, you never know . Hope your DC1 is feeling better and your LO is doing well too.

Thanks.
DD1 is much much better thank you, DD2 has conjunctivas but she has some eye drops and is getting better.

Had a bit of a rough day today so far (DH due home any minute now though..yay..) DD1 is nearly 2 and is being very trying (only nice way I can describe her behavior at the minute lol) she is on the go all the time.

Ooooh, how do you manage to get the eyedrops in? Mine are all very opposed to getting anything in their eyes... So much sympathy for you with your 2 yo -- they are busy, busy little people (and so are their mums..) Hope you'll have a good weekend.

Drop the eye drop in the corner of the eye near the nose, then when they close their eye (cos they always do lol) slightly part their eye lids then the drop will run through the eye.

DD1 is lovely and really good tbh, but god I cannot stand the repeating and whining when she is tired but wont sleep, I turn my hearing aids off and lurk on MN while drinking very strong coffee to get through it.

Having a really good day today. I spoke to DH about how I am feeling and he was really good, said he hadn't noticed anything with me but asked if there was anything he could do to help me Feeling so much better now.

Many thanks for the eye advice. I think I have been holding the dropper too far from the eyes to prevent it being grabbed or knocked out of my hand, then missing with the drops of course.

I know what you mean about the coffee. I eventually had to give it up because I was drinking it so strong I was getting jittery. Took to tea instead.

Nice to hear your DH cares and is willing to help . If he hadn't noticed anything was up with you, maybe you've been trying too hard to get everything 'right' and spreading yourself too thin, so to speak...

How are things going? Was your checkup ok?

Any news, InsertWittyNickname?

Hiya, thanks for thinking of me. GP was shit tbh, asked how I felt and I started to tell her she cut me off by jumping in and asking if I wanted any medication, I said no and she said well lets forget about it then

HV is coming to see me again on the 7th so hopefully I will get some support from her.

DH has now gone into his ignoring things he cant mend mode and will not talk about it. When I try to talk to him he just keeps saying that I am fine because I don't look or seem depressed

So unless my HV turns out to be any good, looks like I am not going to get any kind of support other than on MN, but I could do with talking to a RL person about how I am feeling IYSWIM.

Oh that's such a shame about the GP. Why do they do that cutting in thing, when a lot of people would like to talk they're getting paid for their time after all, it's not like they're losing money by listening. Have you thought about changing doctors? Could you ask around the playground or any other mums you know who could recommend one? The HV sounds like someone who is more likely to 'get it', since she was willing to give you the assessment previously, and maybe this is the way to go. Sorry about your DP too what does a depressed person look like, I wonder? I do hope you can convey to the HV that having a sympathetic ear for you is really important. Maybe she knows of a group or drop-in place you could go to, as well as spending a bit of time listening.

TBH my GP's are crap, I really must change them, it would be nicer to have a GP's closer to me as well.

I hope the HV will be able to give me the support that I feel I need or at least point me in the direction.

DH is a very black and white kinda person IYSWIM. He obviously thinks as I am not a wailing wreck sobbing in the corner and being 'sad' all of the time then I am not depressed. he said 'well I haven't noticed any signs' I asked him if he knew what the signs were? he said 'You have to look sad and cry a lot' I told him I do cry a lot but not when anyone is with me.

sorry things are difficult.do go back to gp urgently let someone know you feel overwhelmed.is there a HV or another gp you can talk to?

could you print your op, write it down if it is tricky to discuss?

no woman should have to feel like this.let someone help you and share this terribel burden you feel - pnd is a very treatable illness.

if it really all is too much go to A&E they have psychiatric liasion and doctor can see you there

I had to jump in here - there are loads of brill sites on the t'internet for PND and blues and I would recommend you do a bit of searching on this.

I know how your hubby is - mine was the same totally black and white - just told me to go and see someone.

I had a second bad birth which disappointed me so much it added to the new baby in house shock. You have your hands full and I think it takes time to get everyone back into a routine and life to get back to norm.

I personally think feeling down is part of it and particularly for me. I know if I had another baby I would be so down for at least 6 weeks, also in floods of tears, down, lonely and feeling out of control. Until baby was 3 months life felt depressing. ONce baby was in routine, sleeping through I couldnt function.

I also was disappointed with the health check with docs - complete waste of time. In my opinion every mum should see a special post natal doc because I lied when she asked me how I was and she believed me. GP's are general and are hopeless, also my experience with NHS phys was hopeless (prev to babys that is) I went privately and saw a wonderful professional and a lot of it involved writing things down, how I felt, why I felt, the past, how I was going to react to that feeling. I know Post natal is a different thing but this sort of thing may help because there may be an underlying factor here.

I suffer terrible anxiety and slight depression when I am tired. Once baby was settling more I could feel the fog lifting.

I would firstly spend the weekend searching some of the wonderful PND sites and see if your syptoms match others. Worth a go!

How are things, IWN?

Crap TBH, I feel like I am only just functioning right now. I have no idea why but by the time I got home yesterday from baby massage with DD2 I was in tears. As soon as I got in the front door, I just broke down and I have no idea why

HV is coming today at 2pm so I am gonna talk to her cos I need to speak to someone about it. DH is ignorant to it all and I cant talk to him cos he just says to see someone about it and to just be happy and snap out of it . I mean WTF if I could just be happy doesn't he think I would. It's like he thinks I am choosing to be sad/crying all the time.

On the plus side though, DD1 is being a dream just recently and used the 'big girl' toilet for the first time after asking for it

So glad about your DD and the big girl toilet . Keeping my fingers crossed that your HV will be able to listen. You could ask her if she knows or has heard of any doctors that are better than your GP and if she could help you get to see one soon. Keep on posting here so we can keep up the support

How was the HV on Wednesday? Do you think you made any progress?

TBH we just chatted, I do feel better for knowing that I have someone on the end of the phone if I need. I find it very hard to ask for help though I hate to feel like I am making a fuss over nothing and that I am taking up her time which could best be used elsewhere IYSWIM.

I am struggling, I cant seem to hold back the tears just lately. I count down the minutes until DH gets home just so I can get half an hours peace in the bath! Everything about my life seems so bleak and dark. Then I feel guilty for feeling like this because my DD's are the most wonderful thing in my life and I am so luck to have them. I should be able to enjoy them, but I cant seem to at the minute. I just hope that I am not adversely affecting them by feeling like I am.

Oh sweetheart...my heart goes out to you it really does. What you are saying - I could have written it both times after my babies were born.

Nothing was wrong. I loved my babies fiercely. I was so glad they were here. But I just felt desperately sad. Like someone I loved very dearly had died. Empty. I used to sob - cry big huge tears that dripped down my face - absolute gut wrenching tears but could never tell anyone what was wrong...as nothing was.

I spent a lot of time trying to work out what was wrong...trying to blame things like lack of sleep, or my DH not caring or whatever. But there wasnt anything wrong - I had PND and PND isnt necessarily caused by anything. Some mums just react like this after the birth.

Both times I took anti depressants, they made me better and I came off them with no problems. I also took care of myself - made sure I got out and about (not easy with two I know), tried to get enough sleep and talked to anyone who would listen (mainly online and anonymously). My HV was fab.

You are not in anyway affecting them. MY DS - now 3.3 is the most sociable mad energetic little thing who loves nursery. DD - now 1.1 is the smiliest, cuddliest little girl. This is nothing to do with loving or not loving your babies or being a good mum. The PND made me doubt myself so much...I was a terrible mum, they would be better off without me...everybody was better than me. It sounds so funny now...and my HV jokes about it with me now I am better...but I became obsessed with not making cakes. I just went on and on about how every other mum was the perfect mum with two babies, baking cakes happily with the older one, laughing and joking...whislt I sat on the sofa crying. One day when I was a bit better I made a cake. DS didnt appreciate it and it tasted like crap - lol.

I loved my children deeply but was just enveloped by this awful sadness. I didnt want to harm myself....I didnt want to do anything drastic...I just wanted not to live. Just not to exist because it hurt so much to be awake. Sleep (when I could do it) was such a lovely escape. I felt terrible for even thinking this but in my little fantasty nothing existed, I wasnt here and it felt so peaceful.

Your DH...well. Could you maybe print something off for him to read about PND? He is not helping...he needs to just be there and understand. My DH wanted to make it better but of course he couldnt as there was nothing wrong...nothing to solve.

Have you thought about Anti depressants? I always thought I never would but they helped me so much. Gave me enough of a boost to get out of the house and help myself.

xxxx

I also found I was ok when I was around other people. I often used to drive to meet friends...I cried in the car all the way there, met them, smiled and joked and turned round and drove all the way back in tears. Usually I could contain the tears in public but once cried in marks and spencers when someone was nice to me. I also sobbed my heart out in baby clinic to the point they wouldnt let me go home.

No one knew I had PND apart from the handful of people I told. Its not like you never leave the house or never stop crying...many people function with it but are aching inside. Funnily (wrong word maybe ) when I had it the second time I only told perhaps 2 people. Some people who knew I had it the first time kept commenting on how much better I was this time around...and how DD was so relaxed because I was so happy. Little did they know I was even worse the second time. I used to go out and about, pop into work...probably looked like some super mummy on the outside.

Your DH...as an aside which is funny now. My DH is a real 'mend things' person. When I had PND with DS guess what he did? Build me a patio. Quite. He just couldnt understand why that didnt solve my problems. I wanted a patio right?

Peppa, thank you.
This thread has helped and is helping me so much, it is good to be able to get my feelings out into the written word and have a good cry while I do so.

I told my GP that I don't want anti d's but I am thinking that maybe I need them right now, just to help clear the fog.
DH is just chugging along happily and I am doing myself no favors by playing up to this IYSWIM. I seem to put my best 'everything is fine' face on in front of DH more than anybody and I am starting to resent him a little for it. I know it is not his fault but that is truly how I feel. My HV is the only person I can talk to about it, I really do not feel comfortable talking to anyone else about it.

DH just doesn't seem to want to know IYSWIM, he doesn't think I have PND so therefore in his mind I don't have PND IYSWIM. I have been toying with the idea of writing him an email about how I am feeling and including links about PND for him to read while he is at work. In this email I would tell him exactly how I am feeling but I fear it will all be forgotten and brushed away when he comes home. I think it is his way of dealing with things like this. He was the same when I told him about my anxiety and OCD problems. He is the only person other than the counselor I saw that I have told and I don't want to tell him anything else like this again as it gets me nowhere, other than feeling worse than before I told him.

I am not sleeping at all, one of our dogs woke me up last night to go out in the garden and after that I was wide awake. I have been awake cleaning since about 1.30am and I am now knackered. I just don't know how I am going to get through today plus for some stupid reason i decided to start potty training DD1 yesterday. Although TBH it seems to be going well and she seems to be getting the hang of it. I don't understand what goes through my head sometimes lol.

I couldnt sleep either. Either had trouble falling asleep or would be awake for hours going over and over what I had done in the day, why I was such a bad mum etc etc.

I didnt want to take the anti d's the first time around. I fought it and fought it...I didnt want to take them whilst breastfeeding, taking AD's meant I was ill, I should get over this myself blah blah blah. It took me 12 weeks to take them (I was ill from when DS was 3 days old). It took me 10 months of taking them and I was better. Not a high dose.

When DD was born I started taking them on day 5. I was completely off them within 5 months. Taking them when you need them helps. They are not miracle workers. Takes about 2 weeks to do anything, 6 to feel lots better, 12 weeks to feel completely like normal in my experience. They however were a lifesaver for me.

I am not trying to push you into anything - just saying they can be fantastic for situations like this. I no longer take anything - I am fine. They do not make you weak. They are not addictive. Mine had few if any side effects. They are fine with BF (if you are).

DH. If he cant support you emotionally then he needs to support you practically - letting you sleep, doing more housework etc. Then you need someone who can support you emotionally. What about family? Friends? Anyone with young children around you? Where abouts in the country are you? I think either sitting him down, writing a mail to him ...all a good idea. Perhaps he is uncomfortable with peoples feelings...perhaps he feels like he has failed. Emphasise you love him, you love your baby...just this is a time you need real support. To be honest my DH didnt support me so I found it elsewhere.

It does get better I promise but you do have to work on it. I was an absolute wreck but am fine, back in work...you would never have known I was ill. I even obviously had DD.

Keep talking to us on here. Have you looked at APNI (google it - association of postnatal illness). There is support there for people.

I just felt like I was down a big black hole and was desperate for someone, anyone to help me out of it. My HV did but I needed the AD's and I needed to work at it - making myself go out, getting sleep when I can. Do you try and go out every day? I used to go to starbucks every single morning. They now know me by name . It got me out, gave me something to do. When I was braver I went to some baby groups (but those can drive you loopy in themselves ).

Why not talk to your HV about the AD's? See what she says? When are you next seeing her?

IWN -- how about going back to the counselor you had with the OCD for a chat? I also think you could give the ADs a go just to see if things get any better, especially with sleep. No matter how things are going, not sleeping will cause problems all on its own.

Has your DH seen this thread? Could you send it to him? Just because men don't get PND doesn't mean it doesn't exist ....Men sometimes think they have failed in some way when a woman gets PND. They feel touchy about it, as if she has it because he's inadequate in some way. As far as they can see, you've delivered a beautiful healthy baby, your older child is fine and wonderful, the house is clean and nice and he's making all this possible financially -- so he worries if he's inadequate in some way. They usually find some way to put themselves at the center of it all (LOL) If you can lay your hands on any information that spells out the chemical component of it all, this might be useful for him. But it's also the case that you don't want to be 'fixed' just listened to and met, emotionally, by him, supported emotionally.

Please don't think your HV has better things to do than listen and help mums with their problems -- she's there for you just as much as for anyone else. She truly wants to help. Maybe you could send her this thread, or print it out for her. You should be on the top of her list. XXXX

I'm having quite a good day today, feel a bit 'fresher' IYSWIM, the fog has lifted slightly. I have come to a decision that I am going to speak to my GP again, even if she doesn't want to 'talk' to me about it she has asked if I want any medication before so I will tell her that I do this time.

It's worth a shot. If they work, you'll have yourself back, the fog will keep on clearing. And if you can get a bit more sleep (even with the baby ) that will make a difference too. Keep on posting, best wishes .