Relentless Days

[Chinchilla]

OK, so I am on a bit of a downer at the moment, because my pills seem to have stopped working. However, is it just me, or is being a SAHM a bit of a con? I love my ds TO BITS, but, that aside, does anyone else feel that the days are relentless, and forget the weekends?

Dh and I had a massive argument this weekend over him spending 30 minutes in a bike shop (I know, so what, miserable cow that I am!) and I felt like I should be able to have 30 minutes to myself too. It never works out that way, but I am lucky really as I get my evening class one night a week, and can go out with friends if I want to. I don't very often, or I try to do it in half terms or other holidays, when my class isn't on, as I feel that it is unfair to dh.

My dh does do a lot around the house, and he actually gets less spare time than me in reality, because he works from home, and has his lunch-hour with us. I get a break when ds is having a nap. I just feel that I didn't sign up for this constantly monotonous life. I have a brain here, and was wondering if I would feel any happier if I worked two days a week, and put ds into nursery. I know that I would not bring home much money after child care was paid for, but at least I would be 'X', rather than 'Ds's mummy' to those people.

I suppose what I am trying to say is that I am generally unhappy with life at the moment. Dh has realised this weekend how down I am, and we are going to book a holiday at Centerparcs tonight, but I can't even get excited about that.

I'll stop moaning now. Thanks for listening, and any (constructive) advice would be great.

Hi,

Sorry can't be of much help as I'd much rather be a SAHM than go out to work at all. Just wanted to say though keep your chin up and Center Parcs RULES!!!!!

No advice but I know what you mean bout those relentless days. My arguments with DH stem from his apparent golf addiction.

Things improved when DS2 started nursery and I have 2 whole days to myself but I still need to get DH to realise that those days are MINE and replace the Sat/Sun weekend I used to have Obviously I still do things like the supermarket shop (to stop me having to feed DS illicit bread rolls) and stuff but basically those days are mine.

I also know what you mean about not getting excited about a holiday - I get bogged down in the planning & packing and the fact that once we're there I'll still have to do my "work" ie look after DSs.

I do try to get out every day with DSs (mother & toddler group, meeting a friend, Play Barn) which takes the pressure of me to entertain them. They're 4 & 2 so play nicely together now without much imput from me.

My mum was a SAHM and I don't remember her ever seeming miserable or irritable - maybe SAHMing was more the norm then or maybe I just never noticed it. I don't know. I guess SAHMing isn't a con so much as a result of being brought up to believe we can have it all and realising that something always has to be sacrificed - in the case of SAHMing, a bit of yourself needs to be sacrificed. Waffle waffle....

Sorry, I've been no help at all. Focus on Centreparcs and book yourself in for a massage!

hi there
sorry to hear you're feeling down. I'm not very good at advice but I work pt and I think it saved my sanity - are you very against going back to work or is it just the money aspect? I always think of work as my social life - so when dh comes in and gets all uppity about looking after ds cos he's been at work all day I recognise it for the shameless ruse it is!
Don't feel guilty about asking for more time off I mean - sahm is a really tough job sometimes and you deserve good perks like lots of breaks, time on mumsnet, nights out with friends

Lots of sympathy Chinchilla. Those "love my kids, hate being a SAHM" days are hard. Hope you get a break soon. Book some time on your own at Centerparcs and spoil yourself a bit. I think we SAHM's lose our identity a bit don't we. I've found going to an evening class once a week really helps. It's my chance to be me and not known as anyone's mummy or wife.

It sounds like you need a break. Did you give up work to be a SAHM? What did you do before your ds came along?

In my case my mum helps me out to give me some "me" time as does my husband. I go swimming on my own once a week - the pool does have a creche for a couple of hours a day - but I can never get it together to get there at the right time so Mum babysits instead!I find exercise really cheers me up and a lot of sports centres have creches so you could investigate that.

I've also arranged a facial and leg wax next week while dh cares for baby (I'm going on holiday to Spain - first holiday with 6mo dd, gulp).

The thing I find hardest is demanding me-time for doing nothing - reading paper, day-dreaming, etc. although I'm getting better at it. At the moment I'm enjoying SAH more than work. If you want to work then do it, don't worry about how much money you'll make, do it because you want to. If you don't perhaps you could put your ds in a nursery for half a day while you do your own thing.

Hope this helps.

I used to have a really demanding job, which made me depressed! However, I do feel like my brain is stagnating sometimes. I had thought about doing a yoga or step class at the leisure centre, and making use of the creche (a bit scared, as I think that ds is too dependent on me). However, dh has recently had a 15% pay cut, and his company is very close to going to the wall, so we are on a major economy drive. I would feel a bit mean to spend £10 on an hour for myself because of that.

I do get out most days, and am lucky to know loads of mums to see. I think that I am just feeling down, and the whole world seems bad at the moment. I have days when I think that I am really lucky because I have lots of people to meet up with, and then, when I feel like this, it means nothing. Depression is such a selfish disease, because I know that there are so many people worse off than me, and I am just wallowing in self-pity.

My mum does have ds occasionally, but we had a really bad relationship when I was at home, and I find it hard to allow her to have ds. Also, she is so busy herself, and makes it clear that she will only have ds at her convenience. She is not exactly the most loving person in the world! Anyway, I don't like to rely on her, as I feel that I should be able to cope as a mum

Ignore me, I'm having a bad day, and I'm wallowing. Thanks everyone who has been able to sympathise.

I know what you mean about the need for some time for yourself. I had originally planned to take a year off after the sluglet's birth, but I lasted 3 months before I was climbing the walls with boredom. Fortunately I'm blessed with wonderful in laws who took her for two afternoons a week while I eased myself back into full time work. Now that DH and I have swapped roles and he's a SAHD, I'm very careful to make sure he has time on his own during the weekends. Mostly this takes the form of a couple of hours off, usually down the pub, while she has her lunchtime sleep. It's not much but it make all the difference.

Chinchilla, I know what you mean about relentless days. When my ds was small (under 6 months old) I used to take him to the park and walk around and around and then look at my watch and think Oh NO! It's still only 10 O'Clock, what am I going to do with the rest of the day? I was mildly depressed at the time too. I look back and think why did I even bother going to the park, why wasn't I at home watching Richard and Judy? I don't think it's necessarily that your pills aren't working, I think it's pretty par for the course to feel like this sometimes when you're a SAHM.

I think you should be entitled to 30 minutes to yourself too though and your dh should let you have this at the weekend. Why is it unfair to your DH to go out even if you do have a class that week too? I don't think asking a man to look after his own child for a couple of evenings is unfair at all. Your son is quite young still isn't he? Once he's 3, what about a playgroup a couple of times a week? It's only a couple of hours and most 3 yos are funded now I think. I'm not sure how long you've got to go until that age but anyway, just wanted to sympathise and let you know that IME it does get easier, much easier, the older they get.

Chinchilla, I must say I know how you feel, I was only off for 5 months with my dd but I did have days where I felt that I was just living for bedtime so I could sit down and have some time to myself! I am now back at work full-time, but now am feeling that I don't get enough time with dd,(still exhausted on Mondays after looking after her all weekend!!!) I am hoping to go 4 days a week soon to remedy this.

I must say that I find that work really is a piece of p**s compared to looking after a baby. As morocco said, it's like social life really. I think maybe you should try getting a p/t job, even one that just pays enough for the childcare, to get you doing something for you instead of ds. And maybe you could get one that would enable you to pay for half a day a week childcare when you aren't working so that you can have some real time to yourself...

Hope you feel better soon, enjoy Centerparcs I hear it's great. And you are NOT moaning!

Hi Chinchilla

I'm not a SAHM (I work three days), but I can really identify with the 'relentlessness' of time at home and generally feeling unhappy with your lot in life. Over the past year I've often wondered why my life has ceased to be much fun, and has become instead rather drudgy and repetitive, but I do feel things are improving now.

Your dh has obviously realised how down you are - I guess he must have or you wouldn't have been thinking of the holiday to Center Parcs. My guess is that you can't get excited about it because all the packing and preparation will fall to you (not to mention all the washing etc when you get home), and it's hard to see past this to the holiday beyond when you're not in the right frame of mind.

I honestly feel that work has saved my sanity - the past 10 months or so have been very hard for me - I've never been diagnosed with PND (largely because I've never been to see the doctor about it), but feel fairly sure that that's what I've had. Ds is now 18mo and I feel I'm coming out of it now (the fog's starting to lift). Work does give me time to myself - I get the opportunity to chat with colleagues, go to the loo unaccompanied, drink coffee while its still hot and, although its not the most mind-stretching job in the world (hopefully that will soon change), it does give me a different sense of satisfaction to the one I get from being with ds. He goes to nursery two days a week, which he loves - I do feel he's almost bored at home with me on the days we're together, so I try and get out to visit friends or take him to toddler groups. Nurseries can be expensive when you work part-time - have you thought about childminders if you return to work? I'm aware though that work is not the answer for everyone, and may simply be another source of stress, as its just one more plate to keep in the air when you're already juggling enough of them. It sounds rather like you need time to yourself more than anything.

You certainly should not feel guilty about your evening class - this is only one evening a week - and you really need time to yourself. Definitely take up an exercise class if finances allow - there are so many benefits for your well-being - can you negotiate with your dh to go to one or two sessions in the evening, if you don't want to leave your ds in the creche? My dh knows I'm happier in myself if I'm exercising regularly, so supports my going to the gym or running 2-3 evenings a week. Even just getting out for a walk by myself is helpful as it gives me time and space to myself (and doesn't cost anything).

I'm yapping on - not sure that this is really any help to you. I think the main advice I can give you is to say just take one day at a time. This is what I'm doing at the moment, and I'm trying to find things to be positive about each day. I found that until recently I was getting into such a negative cycle about everything, such that nothing was right, I started to wonder where the person I used to be was. It had been replaced by someone inward-looking, negative and miserable - and I didn't use to be like that. I'm gradually getting out of that now - if I have a bad day I don't dwell on it - I put it behind me and start again tomorrow. Hope that doesn't sound trite.

I do hope today has been a better day for you.

Chinchilla - I sympathise with your feelings about being at home, what I have done is take on loads of different voluntary jobs - many of them can be done from home, to fit in with childcare/housework(!!) etc - I find that it's more challenging & stimulating than just socialising with other mums most of the time (of course I do that as well!!). I quite enjoy writing & used to do a lot of 'communication' type stuff in my working life so I have taken on a couple of newsletters & also write various articles - obviously it's all unpaid but is very satisfying.

I do other things as well like meals on wheels which gets me out & about and I enjoy doing it.

I know its not everyones 'thing' but it can be really rewarding and certainly helps beat those monotonous days (and evenings!) - and has given me new skills in computing etc.

Hi Chinchilla - I know exactly what you mean..! I work, but look after ds on Fridays and dp also works every third weekend, so I have ds on those Saturdays and Sundays, and it's a major source of stress as to what to do with him. We don't have family nearby, and our friends all live quite a way away, so it's really difficult trying to think of things to do that will wear him out (he's a lively 17 month old), but not bore me to death or knacker me out...! Shopping wins quite a lot, but then I feel guilty he's stuck in the trolley, and I usually haven't got that much money to spend. So it's down to the park or indoor play centre.

Work is so much easier to do....

Sorry, not much help, but lots of empathy coming your way.

I doubt I'll give you any better advice than others have but I also know how you feel. I felt this way after the first month of ds's birth and was desperate to get back to work. I found a fantastic drop in centre run by the council which saved my sanity. My only regret is I didn't find it sooner and wish I had gone up to the council early on to see what they offered in the way of options in my area. I did spend an inordinate amount of time in John Lewis and spent a lot more money than I would have/should have due to boredom and the fact I wanted to interact with others and doing that over a cash register was better than nothing. I didn't realise that at the time but looking back I do.

Is there anything in your area run by the council or something else that is free/cheap that you can get out too.

Hi Chinchilla
i only read your post but as I'm about to leave haven't read the rest of the posts, but wanted to quickly reply to your original posting. I love my DD to bits too but I know I couldn't be a SAHM. I have to do both to keep me happy and sane! Sometimes I'm envious of friends who are SAHM but know in my heart I know it's not for me. I love coming to work and then rushing home to pick my DD up and giving her loads of cuddles and I find, for me, that I appreciate her a lot more. When I have a week or so off I find myself becoming a bit ground down by it all. I work 4 days of the week and we have 1 day where it's just the 2 of us and I LOVE that day SO much, it's just the best day and we do loads of stuff together. However if at the end of that day my partner goes stright out for a drink and my day slowly leads into the evening I feel a bit trapped slightly stir crazy already! Whereas if I've been out all day at work I never mind just staying in on my own. I massively admire SAHM, it's hard, but very rewarding work, I just know it's not right for me.
So what if the money you earn doesn't pay for the childcare costs?!! If being at work for a couple of days a week helps at least you'll be a happier and therefore better mother to your little 'un. (I'm not saying your not a great Mum now I just mean if your pissed off it can't be nice for anyone). Also dodn't feel bad will you about not thinking that being a SAHM is right for you.
PS Haven't been to CP but heard lots of fab stuff, you'll have a fab time, but what after the holiday, maybe time get that CV updated??

They've just published results of a survey which say that children looked after in day-care are just as happy and do as well as children whose mums stay at home. So, you need have no qualms on that score. If a part time job didn't work out you could just pack it in and you'd be no worse off. Might be worth a try. Could change your life!

I agree. Part time work will give you a break. When you are counting the cost of childcare, don't forget that DH's salary can go towards paying for it too. We tend to forget that too often.
IKWYM about the relentless days. l spend most of my time wishing the days away, it's so boring. I don't think you are being self-centred - it's hard enough being a SAHM without depression too.

Thanks all of you! I do feel a bit better today, and had a busy one too. You are right about CenterParcs, in that I almost see that as a continuation of the chores (washing/packing/cooking etc). Having said that, ds is old enough now to stay up a bit later, so we can eat out in the evening, rather than cooking in the villa as we did last year. That will mean less work.

I really appreciate all of you responding. What a lovely lot you are. I love it here!

Chinchilla - heaps of sympathy here too. I work full-time, and wish I had more time to spend with DS, but still find that at the weekends the days are hard to fill. I'm sure that they must sometimes seem endless for SAHM's.

Having said that, I'm not sure that a job's the whole answer. I feel as if my life's pretty horrific and relentless most of the time too, and I suspect that what we're all missing is the 'me-time' that's been mentioned here. In my ideal world, DS would attend nursery 3-4 days a week and I would work 1-2 days a week, so I'd get time at work, time with DS AND - most importantly - time to myself. Is there any way that you could engineer that type of split?

Griffy - you're right. I think that the 'grass is greener' on the job front, and I wonder if I would regret it sooner rather than later. I was only ever intending to do 2 days a week, if I could get it. I know that I do not want to work full time...I could never get out of bed early 5 days a week!

In haste chinchilla - and therefore have not been able to read every word of advice. But the jist of it is correct.
"Me-Time".
How old is DS - because pre-school age is IMO the heardest as there is so little time to yourself.
Generally us Mums are too busy juggling everyone else's lives that we forget about ourselves. The crux of the matter is - if we are happy, then we can "run our house" a ) More smoothly and b ) with more enthusiasm.
I can also understand the idea that money is tight. But "me time" does not have to be pricey.

1. An hour with your book when DS is sleeping ( the ironing will wait )
2. An hour in the garden
3. A long leisurely bath
4. Ask a pal to mind DS for a morning ( once a month/week/fortnight) and you can return the compliment then do any of the above or go back to bed!!

SPending time on yourself IS selfish - but everyone else manages to do it

Did I say that I was meant to be brief ?!?!

Ds is is 21 months Crystaltips, so he is really energetic. I try to wear him out every mornings () so that he has a sleep. I do rest then, but as dh works from home, I often get comments like 'The bathroom needs cleaning, and you're here doing your cross stitch/reading your book' etc.

I think that is half the problem. However, if he didn't work from home, I would have to do ds's bath too, AND cook the dinner, instead of just the latter, so I suppose I should count my blessings.

When all is said and done, I am lucky to be able to afford to stay at home, and I do enjoy it most of the time. I get down occasionally, but I think that is because of my depression, and because of the dramatic change in lifestyle. No-one warns us pre-children, and if they did, we would not believe them!

Hmm - I think they did warn me, but I wasn't listening!!!

I know the problem and it all comes down to guilt. Go out with DH and discuss it with him ( if not turn the TV off and crack open a bottle ).
(Now we all know that they need to think that it's their idea ) but chat to him and mention that you think you BOTH need a break every so often.
Arrange with DH that you give him an hour off on one day and the next day it's your turn.
That way it's a compromise.
Tell him ( don't ask ) that this is the way it's going to be. My DH would get away with murder if he could - and thinks that I'll cope with anything. But lay the ground rules down - and stress that it's to both your benefit.
What d'you think ?

If your dh thinks the bathroom needs cleaning why doesn't he do it. Sorry, I just know the joy of the baby sleep time when you sit down with a big sigh, pick up the paper and relaaaax. If anyone mentioned a bathroom to me at that time they would find themselves on the uncomfortable end of a toilet brush.

You mentioned depression - have you had the chance to speak to a counsellor about this? Could you get the doctor to refer you. this might help you sort out why you're feeling so bad and what you might be able to do to make yourself feel better.