Considering an abortion :(

[Sadgirl]

Had a contraception failure and in a moment of stupidity DP and i decided to leave it up to fate, what were we thinking

I am now 9/10 weeks pregnant and it feels like i've been hit by the realisation that this is a huge mistake and i can only see the negatives. I have one 20 month old who is such hard work, i am struggling daily with PND, due to start college in september, also entering a weight loss programme (i have a lot to lose) and just feel that this is a mistake. I have bad MS and feel like DS is suffering, i got v bad SPD last time, i just don't think i can handle the pregnancy, nevermind actually having a baby, we had decided to stick at one and i was happy with that choice...

DP has similar doubts but is trying not to say too much i think as he knows this has to be my decision and i am glad he is not trying to sway me but it feels so hard, and so lonely

I had a termination 2 years ago. I was at the clinic when they did a test for pregnancy, i was supposed to be having a smear but was 2 weeks late for period, which is not that usual for me. When she told me. I was stunned and shocked. My daughter was 16 at the time, and we were just feeling like we were getting our life back or I was. I could not bear the feeling or thought of having another life to be responsible for, has never really had a great deal of help from family. So, basically everything would have been down to me. 24-7. That thought made me feel very sick. I asked them about what I could do. They gave me clinic details.After meeting with my husband to talk about bombshell i rang the clinic. I got an apointment for the monday after, and had the termination the monday after that. The first week was the worst for me waiting to go to clinic. It felt like an age. Never felt for a second I could go through with it. Just felt very trapped and out of control, I realise this is different to your experience. but I thought I would tell you how it was for me. I just felt total relief when I came out of clinic. and did so for months after. Then my best friend had a baby and I kept thinking what if. but I suppose thats only being human.

Sorry that should be not go through with it.

Sad I waited until I was 10 wks because it fitted in with work!
The worst parts of waiting were the symptoms and not being able to tell anyone.
I felt little in the way of regret until it took me over two years to conceive DD1. Then I felt terrible-perhaps this was my only chance etc.

I know it is hard but perhaps the best thing to do is try and put out of your mind. Set the appointment if that is what you have decided and then sing lalalalalal when it enters your head.

I did spend the first few days planning how i would cope with another baby but realistcally i new at that time i couldn't
I was also very distant from dh, he was so supportive but i stupidly blamed him a little bit for not saying plz don't do it even though i would have anyway

Keep talking on here and ask as many questions as you need to x

oh yes fly the morning sickness was awful for me and made me angry because i know there was nothing to make that worth coping with

hi, just wanted to say that i have been thru this too.

I had terrible, terrible spd in pg. the birth was a nightmare too. i had ptsd. Anyhow, i got pg after one, the only time we had intercourse, becuase of the damage down below.
dd was 9 months.

I knew i coudl not cope physically with the pg, and that my longed for dd would suffer with a mummy who couldn't be there for her.

It was a terribly cruel decision to make, as i considered it obv as a sibling.

i regret i had to make that decision, and i almost bottled it, but realised that by deciding to have it the spd, etc wasn't going to just go away.

It was very traumatic.

I don't think about it too much anymore, only when i read things likethis, but tbh it was the only way for me.

dh left few yrs on, and that's my only regret, that that was my only chance, but life doesn't work like that you can't look into the future.

Flight I am glad you made the right choice for YOU and stuff anyone else being angry with you It has to be YOUR choice in the end and I am pleased you are happy.

I think the abundance of pregnant friends is making this feel hard, one is due in Sept, one in Oct, one colleague is just about to go on ML just as one comes back from ML and it is all around me. How will I feel when my friend has her baby in Sept? I cannot know that

Dunoon I have to go before 12 weeks or travel quite a distance to another clinic, I am not entirely sure how far I am so the pressure is on and I feel like I can't spend ages thinking about it, or I will go mad... I need it done so I can recover does that make sense?

magnolia I feel the same, I don't really want DP to say 'don't do it' because... well because I would not know how to deal with that, this is about both of us yes but ultimately this is my decision, so part of me is pleased he has not said that because it would complicate it even more, but a small part would like to hear it, see what I mean when I say I can't trust myself?

IDidntRaiseaThief I am so sorry for you that you regret your decision that sounds terribly sad, and I am sorry my thread has raked it up for you. I should have given it a different title.

I am so tired of this, I just don't want to be pregnant anymore but I so so so do not want to go through with it, I have convinced myself that I have had a missed miscarriage anyway as symptoms all gone, cramp all gone but I know that means nothing really, and I could not envy the suffering of miscarriage in others, please do not misread my words I just wish the choice was taken away from me right now I know that sounds so awful I don't know what happened to me I was so sensitive and now this

I feel sick at the idea of going through with this but the alternative??? I cannot bear that either, I have even stopped thinking of that scenario, I can't.

Now how awful do I sound, I feel that since making this decision I have cherished the time spend with DS so much more, I am terrible aren't I

Sadgirl...pregnancy is a journey. You've had some very special moments with your other child, those will never be taken from you...I mean that your mood can change from moment to moment, day to day. It doesn't mean you have to act on each of those moods.

I too wished I'd miscarry so that I would not have to decide.

In the end I didn't have a way to make the decision, so I did nothing at all - i let nature, God, whatever decide for me, and he/she/it decided the baby wasn't going to miscarry and therefore I kept it. Do you see...that was my way of stepping out of the decision makers chair. I opted out by doing nothing. You do have that option, if you can see it that way.

There's always a sad ending when you terminate. Always a sad element to the story. While keeping the child can never be a completely sad or bad thing.

I know how hard it is but I would probably advise you not to act, in this instance. You need to be very sure before you do this, or you could be affected dreadfully for ever. There's no going back xx

Not terrible at all! My youngest was 18m last may and i cherish every moment with him (and my others) It's when i look at him and the love and attention I can give him that I know it was the right choice for me.

sadgirl

no problem that this thread has made me think, not at all. it was a decision I made for my health, mental and physical, and for the well being, love and attention for my already there dd.

I was relieved not to be pg anymore. Sad and angry for a while too, but ultimately, i just knew i could not of gone thru the pregnancy. My sod is 7 yrson and still troubles me. At 7 weeks my pelvis started to hurt, and i just knew i'd probably sink.

my spd, not sod

Your thread has made me think a lot about what I went through at the time. Which is not a bad thing a suppose because I never talked to anybody about it except my husband. Dont want to hijack your thread but this a more honest account of my experience.

I suppose now I feel bitter that I had to make the decision I made, and also that I felt so trapped like I did when I found out. Why did'nt I feel like I could have anyone to help me if I had baby in the long term. Why had I had so many health problems,Why, in the last 16 years was'nt there one time when I felt I wanted another baby. My husband and I had gone through many bad patches over the years, felt several times that I did'nt really love him, we just plod on. I never left because I did'nt want to be one parent family, but now I'm half way to being 50 feel bitter I did not have the strength/support to do something about it,( my child bearing time is now over), and move on and perhaps I would have met someone I felt I wanted more children with. So, I suppose what I'm saying is that although I don't regret the decision I made. I regret being in the situation I was in which made me feel like I did about the pregnancy.

Sg, have replied to your email. Hope you are feeling OK today..

snow...I am so sorry that you are rethinking everything..can't be easy! Hugs..

Flight I do understand what you are saying, but as hard a choice as it is for me I know it is one I must make - doing nothing is not an option, I either commit to the pregnancy or I end it. I do know what you mean and for some people letting fate decide is great but that is what caused my dilemma in the first place so I need to address that.

And I do need to address it soon - the clinic will only see me up to 12 weeks. I cannot travel so it is now - or NHS.

I am agonising now because I feel it is 'wrong' to do this with just one child of this age. I feel that magnolia's choice is so much easier to understand, and snowlover's actually because of her daughter being that age...

I don't mean I think I should continue, I mean that on paper it looks great - a 2 yo and a baby, siblings, playmates, gets the baby bit out the way... etc.

But I still do not want this

I feel sick when I think of Monday.

Sorry I meant to add differentname I have not had your email yet, checked spam but maybe it is just taking it's time

I'm sorry, You sound really distraught and I know my head was such a mess during those weeks when I felt I had to choose.

You have my sympathy and I wish you all the best x

The on paper thing doesn't always work. I had hoped, hope above hope that one of my docs would tell me that it was a bad bad idea to even think about being pg. They didn't, which was pretty harrowing.

for me, the symptoms went, just sort of stopped and I had quite a lot of cramping, though not particularly painful, and it was the beginning of the end.

I had a coil, so I rather hope the pg got caught up in it rather than anything more sinister.

You cannot deal with 'what ifs'. We don't live in the future and we have to do what we have to do on a day to day basis. A different time might deliver different results.

I am not surprised that you are feeling angry with your dh. Me too. Bloody hell, it took both of us to create the mess. I think, above all, think where you need to be. (Sorry again if that sounds awful). I am so sorry you are getting sick. How really horrid for you.

Sadgirl, stop thinking top down - that 'on paper' stuff is irrelevant. Your family, your life doesn't have to be the same as someone else's. And it probably won't be.

What I am scared about here is that yes, you're feeling terrified and rotten and horrible, but I don't understand how an abortion is going to make that go away.

I am scared for you that it won't, and you'll still be feeling awful, but with added grief on top of that.

It could be that a lifting of the pressure surrounding your imminent commitment to caring for another life will help you feel Ok again - I hope so. But please do consider that it may not be that which is making you feel so rubbish, in which case it's just going to complicate things for you.

Once again I am very sorry if I'm not helping

I have been hesitating to post because I am coming at this from a completely different angle. I lost a baby at 10 weeks last year and I still feel that loss. I think it would be awful to feel that loss as a result of your decision to terminate if you go on to regret that decision. You seem very confused which is perfectly understandable. If you think about it - with all those hormones racing around we aren't really at our most logical so it's hardly the best time to be trying to make life changing decisions! I think you really need to talk to your husband about this. What if he DOES want the baby but doesn't want you to feel under pressure? Perhaps you just want to hear those words from him so that you feel supported and that would be enough to reassure you to continue with the pregnancy. I think if you are having any doubts about the termination then you owe it to yourself (and the baby) to think again because you can't go back. I know you have been trying to block it out but maybe you should allow yourself to think of the alternative - having this baby as part of your family - for a while and really explore your feelings about it with your husband - both of your feelings - in both of the situations.

'I know my mum very much wanted me but afterwards regretted making herself so vulnerable and stuck with my father, knowing that if she hadn't had me she would have been free not the same I know but a sense of responsibility for her misery has stuck with me. '
This really struck me.

I don't want to suggest it in case I am way off but do you thjink there is a small possibility you feel impelled to do this because of your mother's situation, all those years ago?

Sometimes when we don't have a conscious agenda for our impulses, there is a deeper motive.

Please forgive me for mentioning it - I'll leave the thread now, as I don't want to cause you further upset.

Flight please don't apologise, I am in a lonely place so anyone who is talking to me, posting to me - I appreciate. Really. Can I ask though what I have said to make you think an abortion is not the answer? Genuine question. I do feel rotten and horrible but I thought that was because of being pregnant so would appreciate your perspective on that.

I just deleted a whole long ramble because I am a bit tired, sorry.

Plonkety - thank you, that is how I see it too - in my rational moments, I mean - I can't know what will happen just like snowlover couldn't know it goes for any decision, big and small... deciding to have DS well I never foresaw that tearing us apart but it did, and in the midst of that I never saw us healing, but we did... and now here I am.

Appointment is Monday morning, though I can barely believe that Monday morning is ever going to happen.

Sorry bubbleymummy I had my reply on the screen for so long I didn't see your post.

I am sorry for your loss I can understand your view. I think my confusion comes from being in this situation at all to be honest. I was so very certain there would be no more DC. VERY certain. Then I had a broody phase... that passed quickly. Then an accident. It feels surreal - accidental pregnancy happens to other people, not me... if you understand?

I am sorry if it is hard to read but I do feel that I do not want another baby, I know it is a cliche but I feel like I am finally getting some of 'me' back and without wanting to sound dramatic I think my mental health would be worse affected by continuing, than not. But my confusion is because I cannot know this.

Flight, you are not upsetting me, really you are being sensitive and listening and responding and I assure you I am grateful for that. I am going to think about your question in a long bath as it is not something on my mind a lot. But my gut reply is that no, I feel anger at my dad who is not in my life, rather than a type of guilt. But it is an important thing to think about. Thank you.

Oh dear, well of course i'm very happy to post and to try and help you sort this out...although I'm probably the last person to be of any use.

It was the way you described it all so vividly - the way you feel it so incredibly strongly that this is what you must do...I remember that, SO much like it was yesterday - only i had forgotten the intensity of it, and how galling it is to be counselled by others who think they understand when you want to scream 'no you bloody don't!'

It was the way you mentioned PND...the other things you are concerned about, and then finally your mother's decision which quite possibly has been hanging over you since she made it, like the proverbial sword.

Only that you yourself mentioned this aspect, or I shouldn't have noted it -

Oh I don't know, but all the things you said took me back to the place where I was two years ago, crying and sobbing and completely unable to function because I so hated the child inside me.

See things do pass. They do, and you are so strongly YOU and absolutely unique and part of you would be letting this child go. I understand that. But I think the reason that is you, and ensconced so deeply in you from what you are feeling and saying now - is that you're aware of what your mother did in order to save you, and what it cost her, and that perhaps a small or not so small part of you wants to pay her back for that choice - to make it up to her.

Please, please take care of yourself. I refuse to judge you whatever you do, and I want you to be Ok x