Considering an abortion :(

[Sadgirl]

Had a contraception failure and in a moment of stupidity DP and i decided to leave it up to fate, what were we thinking

I am now 9/10 weeks pregnant and it feels like i've been hit by the realisation that this is a huge mistake and i can only see the negatives. I have one 20 month old who is such hard work, i am struggling daily with PND, due to start college in september, also entering a weight loss programme (i have a lot to lose) and just feel that this is a mistake. I have bad MS and feel like DS is suffering, i got v bad SPD last time, i just don't think i can handle the pregnancy, nevermind actually having a baby, we had decided to stick at one and i was happy with that choice...

DP has similar doubts but is trying not to say too much i think as he knows this has to be my decision and i am glad he is not trying to sway me but it feels so hard, and so lonely

SG, it will not ruin your life. I thought that, I thought that I would somehow feel different & that everyone would know. I was startled as to how normal I felt.

I am sure they will counsel you when you attend for the termination, but as iwassadtoo please take what is on offer. And work through your emotions. I did bottle some up & crashed & needed more counselling, but after 2 visits I realised that my reasons for not continuing the pregnancy WERE valid & good enough, where as before I felt very selfish. A weight lifted that day!

iwassadtoo. I remember all I could say to my dr id "I am pregnant & I don't want to be" while my 5 month coo'd in her pram. I had to wait 3/4 weeks as it was Christmas & the only one they could do before we have planned a huge thing for dd1 (5) and I couldn't let my situation ruin ir for her.

Be strong.

LibrasBiscuitsOfFortune, SG has said that her dp supports her, is that not enough?

Hiya Sad girl. All I can add to this is that I too got pregnant by accident, whilst still suffering with PND after my first child. It seemed unthinkable, and I still remember the
shock and disappointment of my mother in law when we told her I was pregnant again.

But bizarrely, looking after two was easier than looking after one. Babies are a doddle compared to toddlers - and I found some confidence in my abilities as a mum, whereas previously I had NONE whatsoever and was completely and utterly in the grip of the health visitors aka dementors (in my case - I know there are some excellent HVs around.)

Being pregnant with a baby already on the scene was truly the pits. But my experience was that this is the worst bit, and that having a second baby had a positive effect on the family as a whole and me as an individual.

Good luck. Sounds as though you have a lovely partner and are a strong team whatever you decide.

Sorry different but sadgirl is using the words "alone" "lonely" and saying how her DP is leaving this decision to her. I don't believe it should be purely her decision, from her posts I dont think her DP is supporting her as much as he could.

Just one view from the other side--things don't stay the same, even with the best-laid plans.

Your toddler may be hard work now but as he/she gets older this will change.

I had a 20-month gap between my two with little support from family. It was hard, but I managed and I even worked during it. The second baby really didn't feel as hard work as the first.

I wasn't expecting such a small gap, either. But she was my star. I had such pleasure in her as a baby. She was very smiley and responsive and one of those infants that people just adore. (She's a little madam a lot of the time now, but still highly loveable.)

Your decision to make, but don't overlook the sheer joy that a baby could bring.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

Thank you all for more responses - it is helping, from both sides of this awful dilemma.

maria and abraid I am really pleased your stories have happy endings I know DS will not always be so high-need but I feel like I really need a bit of respite, and so does DP, and we need time for each other. We broke up when DS was a few weeks old, I am not even sure how we survived to be honest. I feel that the experience has made us so much stronger but I just have no desire to go through that again. I spent hours crying every day. Hours. Which actually is okay with just a newborn, I held him against my chest and sobbed my heart out while he slept with his beautiful rosebud mouth gaping. I can't do that to a toddler. I know that history does not always repeat, but I just feel with every ounce of me that this is not right for us now. But I do not mind those posts as if I were in a different place, wavering, they would be vital to read. I am grateful for people sharing so much.

iwassadtoo, madameovary, mummy2isla thank you, thank you. I feel so much less alone just reading your posts. I have googled obviously but you tend to find either long drawn out debates on the rights and wrongs of the issue of abortion, or people who are passionately child-free, it makes me feel like a freak for having a child and being in this situation.

differentname I will certainly take any counselling, hopefully the clinic will offer as I will be reluctant to go to my GP - I am doing this privately and do not want it to be on my medical records

Libras. My DP is supportive, yes, but no he is not saying too much. I am not asking him much. I feel as though he cannot really understand anyway, and am wary of resenting him for that. What can he say to make me feel better? Nothing. I know though that if he felt this was wrong he would say so.

Sadgirl - I've been reading your posts and I feel so sad for your pain and everything you have been through. However, I do feel that reading between the lines you are a lot stronger than you think you are. You sound totally sensible, thoughtful and caring. I think you would cope a lot better than you think you would so please don't give up on yourself.

I worry about your DP, you keep saying that he is not saying too much. I wonder what he is bottling up in there? He obviously cares a lot about you and your DS, would he deep down like another little product of the 2 of you maybe??

Sadgirl, you are not a freak, you are in great distress and please, please do not google. You may accidentally come across images you would never wish to see. Stop googling now!

I understand about going privately as I hate seeing TOP on the computer screen when the GP calls up my records.

The thing is only you know exactly how you feel, myself and others can draw from our personal experience but we are not in your shoes right now. I do hope you are okay it is a truly terrible time.

I think DP is quiet because he doesn't want the baby and will not say I should terminate in case it's not what I want... Think he is just being careful/cautious...

I feel okay this evening, I just want it over with. I can't help a small part of me worrying about regret, is that normal? Not feeling regret, just worried about what comes next. I mean we spent 3 weeks thinking we would have the baby, though they were not happy excited weeks like with DS, more nervous and worried but thoughts of terminating took a while to come into focus

I was under a lot of pressure to terminate from DH too, although he knew he couldn't control me if I was going to keep it. I was dreading having an abortion as well, although under the circs it was really the only sensible thing to do.

There is no right decision, and you are looking into the options. So many women don't think about it, and in some countries abortion is used as contraceptive.

I think it is possibly a harder decision when you are that bit older and already have children.

It's a terrible thing when your body has been hijacked and all your hormones are having outrageous parties and there's nothing you can do about it.

When I went to the clinic and told them about my life, they said it was all very good reasons for not wanting another baby.

Sorry I don't mean to sound so harsh. You are not alone!

Plonkety, thank you, you do not sound harsh I am just so grateful you have taken the time to post on my thread, it helps so, much to feel less alone.

I am so tired of the tears now. Pushing DP away, what can he do anyway. I want to wake my lovely DS for a cuddle

Sadgirl, you poor thing, I can so clearly remember the feeling of being insular and being unable to gain any real comfort from my dh until after the termination actually, when after waking up he was the only person I wanted anywhere near me. What can he say, what can anyone say to make it better. It's a shit situation where all you can do is deal with it as best you can.

I would want to hold and cuddle my children all of the time, as though to confirm my love for them and that I wasn't all bad.

Keep posting here if it is helping you, and feel free to ask any questions. I am in for the evening as dh is watching the football.

Thank you so much. Do you mind if I ask how the recovery was? Don't go into any more detail than you want to share. I am just wary of needing to collect DS soon afterwards, work the next two days. They said my insurance would be invalidated if I drive, but I have no choice. I can't imagine not having sedation though

I went into DS's bedroom and just watched him for a while, he seemed so calm, listening to his breathing is very theraputic

Well I had a GA and couldn't drive, you may need to be aware that they may not let you go home alone. In terms of recovery I went home that day and went to bed and slept. It was really rather like a heavy period which went on for longer than usual.

Physical recovery was of course much easier than the emotional one. I was due to return to work after my maternity leave three days later and I did manage to go back. It was a very surreal time and part of me wonders if my struggles later were because I didn't take the time needed when it happened. On the other hand the need to be as normal was overwhelming.

Would you have to go alone?

libra, I too felt very alone & very lonely during the whole process. From the moment I found out to the moment I came home after all was done.

Alone in the respect that dh could to go to work & forget about it. He wasn't the one carrying it & wasn't the one who had to go through a surgical procedure to stop it. He wasn't the one who was sick & trying so very damn hard to make sure it didn't spoil 2 little girls Christmas. He wasn't the one who was feeling the cramps & wishing it would all just go away!

I knew I had mim 100% behind me. He only ever told me once that he supported me, but his manner & his attitude we more than enough for me to know that I could count on him. The way he held me at night as cried & asked me if I was OK & was sure...But that didn't stop me feeling so isolated & so blooddy alone all the time. He could never have understood how hard it was for me & that in itself made it a very lonely time for me.

My recovery was good & quick. I had a GA, as I think I have mentioned. I went with a friend as dh had to have the girls.

I went in at 1.30ish for the op & was dressed & home by 5. I have not felt regret, have not even thought what if. But I have let my emotions rule me in that I have experienced all of them & have worked through them.

The best advice I had was to allow my emotions out. It is OK to be angry, sad relieved. There is nothing wrong at all for feleing any of those & more.

My recovery physically was good. A heavy period type bleeding for a few days then some light spotting for a few more. I had some cramping on & off for a while too. But I didn't have to spend all the next day in bed feleing sorry for myself as I thought I would!

I feel sick this morning with shame, I have to go to work and be normal and I can't bear it

My DP can take the day off to go with me but after that it is going to be life as normal, we are going away soon so cannot afford any time off before then. I want sedation but feel like I should suffer and maybe the recovery would be better?

I just feel sick and tired, I have barely slept and as I was drifting off last night I found myself pondering the other side of this which is not what I want at ALL but I can't control my subconscious when I'm falling asleep

I feel like my throat is blocked with it all.

I had a termination last May, I already have 5 children and contraception failed

If I am honest I was only 99.9% sure it was right for me and was racked with guilt for the week beforehand. I went through bpas and was referred by my family planning clinic. I was lucky enough to have councelling/consultation and the procedure all within a week of my decision.

I was sedated and it was over in 10 minutes. Dh dropped me off and then collected me. I was there on the day of the procedure for about 2 hours.

Recovery was ok, I wasn't driving at the time but was doing school runs 2 days later.

Looking back I know it was the right decision and although sad I had to go through it I do not regret it at all.

Be kind to yourself xxx

Do you have an appt yet?

Sadgirl I had a termination when I was younger, before I had children.
I had a GA, was in early at the hospital, felt really awful when I woke up-sick and shaky but after a rest and some food I went home feeling fine. I had bleeding for around 10 days like a heavy period. No pain , no cramping. It was very, oddly normal.
In some ways the normality and the sudden lack of pregnancy symptoms are the worst thing. I felt that such a huge and difficult decision and action should have more physical effect.
Please don't worry too much about the actual procedure. Don't punish yourself.

Oh sadgirl, I'm sorry you are feeling so bad this morning. Maybe going to work will at least pass the time away.

Nightime is always the worst time for anything bad in our lives, our deepest fears and emotions come out to play in our subconcious. I would think you also need some good sleep to help you deal with it all.

As magnolia said be kind to yourself, don't punish yourself.

x

magnolia thank you for posting, I was just going to ask if anyone would share the timings of their decision and procedure, I was getting scared that a week between feeling sure and having the procedure was too soon.

I have an appt booked for Monday morning, they did offer one tomorrow but I am on a training course and since I am going to continue working it's important, it is a big course that won't run again for a while. And I was worried about DS having a really shitty weekend, at least this way I can spend some decent time with him.

Dunoon thanks, that is why I wondered about not having sedation, that it should be physical and effect (affect? sorry) me... but I know that punishing myself probably won't make me feel better

Work was a good distraction, I hate my job but the course is interesting so much better than a normal week at work, just hard to get out in the morning when I want to curl up in bed and forget everything

DP keeps telling me how much he loves me and that we are a team and must stick together. I am trying to listen to that but I just want to shove him away, I am not blaming him - not THINKING about him really. I cannot talk to anyone in real life about this. As I said, most of my friends are pregnant, it's not really an appropriate topics. One friend knows I am pregnant and I just have no idea how to deal with and handle that. Now I am thinking what if someone sees me at the clinic, will they be protesters ? I don't want to do this, but I do want it done

DId anyone else like me spend a few weeks thinking about continuing the pregnancy? It was not a joyous few weeks or anything, full of doubt and sick and nerves, but still the idea of a termination did not cross my mind at first, I feel like it dawned on me last weekend, like it hit me, what am I doing. I just wonder if I am normal really

Oh golly

Well I booked about 5 appointments for mine. I cancelled each of them when I realised that I didn't have the capacity to make a decision like that, and in my heart, however foolish it seemed, I just didn't want to kill the baby.

(sorry)

I guess I had a lot of regrets about not doing it at first, couldn't love the baby inside me, didn't want to go to scan or feel it kicking etc.
Then it was born - he was born - and I have loved him since he was about half an hour old. I love him passionately, and it was different to my first, whom I never felt that intensity about.

So what I mean to say is yes, it took me weeks with pressure from everyone around me, and feeling utterly ridiculous and embarrassed cancelling the final appt an hour before I was due there and everyone being really angry with me.

And then angry with myself/ iyswim

But what I mean is every child ahs a purpose, in my mind anyway...you might not understand what it is yet but one day you might really be glad you kept it. I know I'd be absolutely gutted never to have known ds2, who ahs taught me what it is to overflow with love for a child. i never knew I was capable of that before xxx