i think I am a bit of a freak re paranoia about germs etc. or at least my mother says so...

[Flightattendant7]

This morning I reluctantly went to gP's about a bruised/cracked rib that's been hurting for 10 days. I asked mum to look after ds2 as I didn't want him to be hanging around in the surgery - I am pretty sure last time we were there he picked up measles, or at least the timing was about right, and I just don't really like to expose him if I don';t have to (possibly counterproductive re immune system? Tell me if so!)

Anyway I told her I'd felt uncomfortable sitting there for an hour as the appts were running very late. When I eventually was seen, the paper on the couch hadn't been changed (was crumpled, with old tube of lubricant gel on it) and I said I would change my clothes when I got home. Maybe that wasn't necessary but I felt odd about lying on the same bit of paper that someone's bottom had been examined on.

Then I went to meet mum and ds and found he had stood in something nasty, so took his shoe off and wrapped it in tissue to take home and clean.
I felt quite upset by this time.

Mum started saying I needed to watch it and not to get too obsessed. I explained to her that recently I felt I had no resistance, have not had an illness free week since last July, basically - which might be to do with stress, not eating well, barely sleeping due to illness and teething ds, and still bfing ds which I am trying to stop.

It's been really horrible and at times I have felt like things were really falling apart because I was ill and couldn't cope with the children, have had to ask her to come round and help occasionally etc etc - and the other day she said I ought to get some 'other help' organised, in case I need help again, because she doesn't like taking time off work.

I understand she wants me to have cover in case I am ill but 1) I don't know how to organise this, do Homestart provide crisis help? Or only regular stuff?
and 2) I think it is a mark of how desperate I am not to be ill again, that I am trying to avoid Drs surgeries and don't want ds to wear a shoe which has got unmentionable substances on it.

I feel like I can't win.

Just to clarify I didn't say that about the paper to the GP - I told mum about it afterwards, and said to her that I felt odd and would want to change clothes.

Also I ask ds1 to wash his hands and take shoes off when we get back from school or anywhere else where he has been lying on the floor or such normal 5yo activities, you know the kind of thing - so basically everywhere.

She thinks this is excessive as well.

Home-Start don't provide crisis help but it might be worth contacting them as you may well benefit from having some volunteer support especially if you have been ill just til you feel you're back on track.

Do you think you might be getting obsessed about not getting ill? It must be really depressing to be constantly ill especially when you've got children to look after.

I ask dd to take off her shoes when we get home, but only get her to wash her hands before eating and after going to the toilet.

Thanks for the info, that'a annoying - I don't feel I need regular helkp but for instance when I had proper flu before Christmas, she came up a few times to help out as I was unable to get up really.
She works two days a week and didn't take either of them off, I managed on my own despite being really poorly.

I do feel a bit obsessed about it at the moment. I had a long running thing all summer and then that went and it was one thing after another.

I just want to cry quite often, being up all night with two sick children and no help and when you're ill yourself as well - I dunno, just awful.

I would have gone a step further and asked the doctor to put a clean piece there Flight!

I don't think you are being OTT re the waiting room-they are awash with germs-same as hospitals!

As for the stuff on the shoe-it is horrible when that happens and I hate it too.(Get DH to clean shoes, although I do have to clean up the mess our dogs make in the garden!)

I mean annoying that can't get crisis help iyswim. I don't know what else I can arrange really. Sorry if I sound mad and strange. I probably am

Thanks Tiggy. I guess maybe we are both a bit nuts, I don't know what's normal any more!!! I never knew how hard it would be, before school and all its nasty little bugs that follow ds home..it just seems constant.

Oh poor you, it's a bit rubbish. I think you need to find a way of giving yourself a break, it really sounds like things are getting on top of you, and you feel like you're struggling to cope.
fwiw, I would not sit on or lie on dirty paper in the GPs surgery, (I would politely ask if they needed me to help pull a clean sheet out) and I suspect that the reason you did do this despite not wanting to is that you are not really trusting your own judgement atm due to feeling under the weather in every way and worrying that you are being neurotic.
Of course you're getting fed up with being ill, and of course you're keen to avoid it, but this situation sounds like it's really getting you down.
I can sympathise with your situation regarding getting childcare, is there anyone you could ask, to help out, maybe you could get them to come and play with ds a couple of times before you actually leave them to look after him. Perhaps you could use the time to have a well earned sleep or a bath or something just for you, regardless of whether you feel ill or not. Your Mum is clearly telling you that she can't take on the responsibility of looking after your ds even if you're ill, which is a pity, but understandable too.
From your post, it doesn't really sound like you're being a freak, but maybe your reactions are a touch ott, and I think it's more indicative of you needing a break and a proper rest than you being ocd about dirt.
Hope you're OK.

sorry, I didn't read the bit about surestart, have no idea about that, sorry.

do you have other children? how long have you felt like this? on first reading it seems like you have PND????

Im just like you, i have a phobia of vomiting so i try my best not to let the dd's come into contact with germs which may make them ill, i was dd1's hands when she gets in from school, i spay them with anti-bac hand spray before she goes to school. We only go to the GP's if we realy have too.

Im trying to get help for my phobia and my obssesion with germs, i have my first visit to a counciler next week. I feel like im not in control at the moment, the thought of germs worries me.

Thankyou Minky. I feel a bit teary reading that, you have hit the nail on the head really. It all just feels overwhelming at the mo especially with mum saying what she did. She has alays helped us, but we moved a couple of miles away last year which she was annoyed about and said it would be harder for her to help - although I had several reasons for wanting/needing to go, including a better house and garden, and also Mum herself - it's hard to explain but she admitted she needed to be the 'mother' and take over my role a bit too much. I felt I needed to be further away just so I could be a proper mother in my own right, and now it feels like she is punishing me and/or she was right and I can't do it without her.

I just don't know any more.

Sorry x posted

Marne, sorry to ehar you feel similar. I am emetophobe as wqell, know what it's like and hope you get some help from the counselling x

Herts yes it prob does sound like pND, I do think I'm depressed at the mo. I just want it to be spring again and not so cold all the time, I feel there is nothing to protect me, nothing inside if that makes sense? Just a huge outside world full of threats and germs and arrggghhhh

I have got ds1 who is 5, and ds2 who is 19mo

I know how you feel, i would be happy to lock us all in the house until March/April time, i hate this time of year.

Yes I would love to do that. Just going to school is awful. I am always afraid he will catch something. I suppose I was always anxious about it all at the back of my mind, but never really acted on it, and now it has become very clear exactly why I was anxious - it is terrifying when you can't get out of bed, your children are also ill, nobody can look after anybody, and especially when my parents were ill as well a week later, I just thought, God, there is no one to help.

I think you sound very reasonable - on the careful side but hardly outrageous. The dirty GP couch is very unpleasant - they should do better than that, and being ill with children is so so so awful that I wouldn't blame you for spraying everyone you come into contact with with bleach . And dog poo is just disgusting.

I do note that you felt unable to say anything to the GP (I would have found it hard too) and you also feel a bit overwhelmed by your Mum's comments, which are fair enough but very hard on you too.

I'm assuming you don't have a partner or in-laws? Any siblings, cousins, local friends who have small children? parents of dd's school friends?

I think contact Homestart - even if it's not exactly what you want at the moment, it might be useful.

Bump up the content of your meals - an extra vegetable (even if you eat 3 already per meal), more protein, more fat, just generally more ammunition for your body. Cabbage always used to be called 'the poor man's doctor' so make sure you have plenty of it on the go (cook it in with dd's food and take it out if she won't eat it, my ds won't unfortunately but at least that way he gets some vitamins).

B

I hope the weather improves and

sorry ds1 not dd

and at the end i wanted to say 'you feel a bit brighter soon'

Yes, dd1 went back to school today, i would rather keep her home (i know i can't).Im useless when im ill, i worry that one of us will be ill when dh is working late, i don't feel like i could cope, it must be hard without a dh to help you.

If you think you might have depression definitely give Home-Start a call and see if you can be matched with a volunteer - they'll be able to come round once a week and give you a bit of practical and emotional support.

Or talk to your GP if you can, i feel a little bit more relaxed after talking to my GP as they were very understanding and refered me to a counceler straight away.

i think you havev depression and need to speak to someone about it and ways of making yourself feel happier. what about some st johns wort or nat mur?

Thankyou, you are all really kind.

Choosy i don't feel I can ask anyone else, as they have small children too, and wouldn't want to catch anything from us - and they have partners so I feel like I am intruding into their established set up iyswim. They are always busy if not with actual things then with their partner grabbing some time when the kids are asleep etc.

The cabbage thing is good, I am a rubbish cook and barely have the energy to eat properly, so I don'[t and I guess that doesn't help. I will try harder as it is probably a big vicious circle. I'll also ring homestart and get something organised, might feel less alone I think.

Thankyou

Herts I am starting some group therapy next week, which I am scared about but might help somehow.

It feels like just another place to pick up germs however at the moment. Not good..

I hope this is post flu depression. Maybe it will go away again soon.