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Original poster

PLease can anyone advise me about moving mum into a care home?

42 replies

ssd · 02/01/2009 19:27

my mum is 81 and lives alone, I've been helping her out all these years but now she needs more help.

she doesn't want to move to a home but she's willing to move to sheltered housing, her name is on the list.

but I feel she needs more care and it looks like a home is the only way for us.

I feel sick at the thought of it.

Please can anyone give me any advice, none of my friends have mums as old as mine and there's no one in RL I can turn to....

OP posts:
TheMoistWorldOfSeptimusQuench · 02/01/2009 19:35

Hello ssd. Sorry to hear your mum's struggling.

What sort of things does she neeed help with? What's her general health like? Her mobility? Does she have any major memory problems or confusion?

Are you worried about her safety if she's left alone?

(I am an older people's social worker btw)

Original poster
ssd · 02/01/2009 19:46

oh God thanks for answering!

her mobility is very poor, she has a stick but is very weak.
she has had the o/t dept out to visit and to suggest ways of sitting/walking that might help (it doesn't.)
her personnel hygiene is poor as she can't struggle to wash herself or her hair ( just now she has a regular bathroom, no adaptations.)
she can hardly stand for a few minutes, therefore doesn't cook/eat much. she says she has no appetite anyway.
her memory is ok, she hasn't got dementia or altziemers, but she has lived alone for 10 years and as she has very limited mobility she doesn't get out and mix aNYMORE (oops)!
she won't go to an older peoples centre.
my siblings are 100's miles away and I'm the only one looking after her. she thinks moving to sheltered housing closer to me means she will be looked after by me, but I just don't know how much more I can physically do. I work, have 2 kids and absolutely no help with the kids, apart fom dh who is great but also has on old mum.

she needs looking after, but she's been in her house 40 odd years and doesn't want to leave, never mind go to a care home. but I'm worried how much she thinks I can do, I've looked after her since 10 yrs ago when my dad died and now I feel she needs more care than I can give.

any advice would be much appreciated! thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
ssd · 02/01/2009 19:47

she's had a few falls lately and I am worried about her safety.

OP posts:
NAB3lovelychildren · 02/01/2009 19:48

Would moving in with you be possible? Perhaps selling her house and using the money to buy in support?

PaddingtonBore · 02/01/2009 19:55

could she have home care to take over the things you do? In my area home carers will call up to 4x daily.

PaddingtonBore · 02/01/2009 19:55

does she have a pendant alarm for contact people if she falls?

PaddingtonBore · 02/01/2009 19:57

are their stairs in her property? could her living space be rearranged so that she can live on one floor? does she have/need a wheelchair?
some changes to her physcial environment could possibly make it safer for her to be at home.

MrsMuddle · 02/01/2009 20:07

I've been through this with my gran, and the only advice I can give you is if you think you need a care home any time in the future, start looking NOW.

We didn't look until it became urgent - she had a fall, went to hospital and was getting discharged. We saw some really great ones, but they had huge waiting lists. The one we ended up with was fine, but certainly not the one we'd have chosen. You can look, and put her name down, and then if she's not ready, you can keep her name on the list.

In Scotland, the Care Commission publishes their reports of each home on the internet, and I'm sure the equivalent authority in England will do the same. This will give you a starting point to decide which ones to visit.

I hope you can get something sorted out that gives you and your mother some peace of mind.

Original poster
ssd · 02/01/2009 20:15

she couldn't move in with me, we are over crowded here as it is

also she is in a council house so can't sell it to pay for care

she has a pendant to wear round her neck but forgets where it is most of the time

her house has been adapted by the O/T dept, but has 2 flights of stairs which she really struggles with, her bathroom and bedrooms are upstairs

she has fought and fought against moving and now I feel its urgent and fear there'll be nowhere to take her

OP posts:
TheBlonde · 02/01/2009 20:25

Is she claiming carers allowance? if not you may be able to use that to pay for people to come in and help with the washing/dressing etc

Original poster
ssd · 02/01/2009 20:28

I've tried that but I didn't get any response to my advert

OP posts:
PaddingtonBore · 02/01/2009 20:28

ok - if your mum has no property and no substantial savings, she may not need to contribute towards the cost of her care. there is a sliding scale of contributions. if she is just on state pension pension credit she shouldn't have to pay.

sarah293 · 02/01/2009 20:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

PaddingtonBore · 02/01/2009 20:32

I would contact the social services dept - ask for the duty SW. Explain that you mum is in crisis and that you feel residential care or a large care package at her home is needed. Request (re) assessment of her needs under the NHS and Community Care ACt. Explain she has no funds of her own.

BE THERE when she is assessed! this is really important, as often people worry about going into care, so tell the SW that everything is fine. If you can be there to "remind" your mu that actually she does have quite a lot of difficulty dressing this will help the SW to make an accurate assessment.

TheBlonde · 02/01/2009 20:35

as Paddington says you need to contact SS - that's how we sorted care for my aged aunt

PaddingtonBore · 02/01/2009 20:35

I would say that if your mum accepts a full care package - eg 4x daily homecare calls, alarm system, meals on wheels - then she could avoid residential care. But if she carries on as is, she runs the risk of further falls, which could further damage her health, and make residential care unavoidable. So the best way of avoiding residential care (as it sounds like this is what she wants) is for her to allow others to help her at home.

colette · 02/01/2009 20:46

ssd my mum refused a lot of help that she was entitled to and really needed but after being in hospital she had 6 weeks in a home until she was well enough to go home.
She now has agreed to carers in 3 times a day as she really prefers being at home and is much happier. She is in a sheltered housing .
so I secound what Paddingtonbear has said, obviously it is hard to get this across but you need help caring for your mum.

amicissima · 02/01/2009 21:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mumski · 02/01/2009 22:04

Hi ssd I work in a Home care Team and agree with paddington. It's so important to contact Social Services now, before it really hits crisis point. You are entitled to an assessment BUT you may have to be assertive with the person who does the assessment and be clear about what you want for your Mum and take into account her views.
If she wants to remain at home she may have to compromise eg over having her bed down stair with something like a commode. Carers won't be able to help her upstairs (good old Health and Safty). We work really hard to support people at home and keep them there as long as they wish, but it does involve sometimes making adaptions and changes to their living arrangements. But rarely is it impossible

Original poster
ssd · 03/01/2009 09:32

thanks again!

I'll contact SS on Monday

she's actually now said she'll move to sheltered housing, at least its a start

its the amount of care she'll get (or not) that worries me, she always tell the SS dept that she's "fine", all the help she needs/her falls/not eating are forgotten, she even manages to get dressed when they are coming, its so frustrating. I know I'll have to be there when they visit, its just getting so hard for me to take more time off my job, I don't have any help with the kids and so when they are off sick I need to take time off to look after them and I feel my boss is getting a bit fed up with me taking time off, when I tell her I need time off to help my mum I feel I'll be stretching her goodwill further. I just wish I had family here, my siblings are 100's of miles away and leave everything to me (then put up a big show of visiting about 1 or 2 times a year for about a couple of days)

anyway, any advice here is so helpful, as I said all my friends have mums and dads in their late 60's/early 70's and haven't had to deal with what we're going thru, dh is great, but I just need advice from people who've "been there", so thanks again xx

OP posts:
dippica · 03/01/2009 15:27

Don't know whether it is a national thing or exists where you are, but Extra Care Supported Housing is bascially sheltered housing, but with on-site carers. People own or rent their own flat (I think its usually flats, rather than separate bungalows, but can then also get as much of a care package as they need through Social Services, but the carers are based on-site so tend to be able to provide more flexible and tailored service.
Might be worth asking about?

Tiggiwinkle · 03/01/2009 15:36

ssd-The social worker who comes to assess your mother should be aware that elderly people are not always able to give a true picture of what they are able to do.

It is very, very common for them not to admit to their difficulties and to cover up any problems. Just make sure you are there to fill the social worker in on the true picture-or do so by phone afterwards is you cannot actually be present at the assessment.

Original poster
ssd · 04/01/2009 09:31

thanks, I'll ask about the dippica

also I'll remember that tiggi

will get the ball rolling tomorrow, hope it doesn't take too long

OP posts:
Original poster
ssd · 04/01/2009 21:01

if anyone is still reading this, how do I convince her a care home is the best thing for her (as well as convincing myself?)

OP posts:
ArcticRoll · 04/01/2009 21:11

I feel for you as I'm in a similar position.
However I think it's really important to listen to your mother's views-sometimes we want to remove all risks from older people's lives and think that moving them into a care home will improve their quality of life.
However many older people they would rather remain in their own home until they die rather than be whisked away to a care home.

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