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Original poster

PLease can anyone advise me about moving mum into a care home?

42 replies

ssd · 02/01/2009 19:27

my mum is 81 and lives alone, I've been helping her out all these years but now she needs more help.

she doesn't want to move to a home but she's willing to move to sheltered housing, her name is on the list.

but I feel she needs more care and it looks like a home is the only way for us.

I feel sick at the thought of it.

Please can anyone give me any advice, none of my friends have mums as old as mine and there's no one in RL I can turn to....

OP posts:

PaddingtonBore · 04/01/2009 21:12

SSD, I wish I knew - it's part of my job, and you know, you can lead a horse to water.....

Sometimes a voice from outside the family can help, as people sometimes listen more to the supposed experts (I do use the term very loosely ). Maybe the SW might have some success, or your mum's GP might be able to have a word?

Or see if you can draw her on exactly what her objections are - eg cost (she wouldn't have to pay if she has no savings), fear of moving far away (could be a very local home).

Perhaps if you have a home in mind you might be able to see if the manager of the home could come and "sell" it to her? Lots of homes offer complementary therapies, day/evening trips out, social clubs and other activities. But of course if your mum wanted to keep herself to herself, there would be no pressure on her to join in.

But I do think if she hasn't had carers come into the home, it would be worth trying a large care package first (including meals on wheels, and maybe some time at a social club), as it might keep her safe and keep her at home as well.

flamingtoaster · 04/01/2009 21:15

|I know what you are going through - I went through it with my Mum. We finally convinced her by arranging for her to go into a home after my Dad died as she was quite unwell on the understanding it was just until she felt better. We then gave her the option of remaining or moving to sheltered accommodation - asking did she want people around all the time or not around all the time to help make the point. She chose staying with people. A few years later I was in a position where she could come to live with me but after initially improving wonderfully and becoming much more mobile after three months she had a fall and her health deteriorated and she had to go into care again and remained there until she died. I still feel guilty even though I know it was the best thing for her since I couldn't be there every second of every day - shopping had to be done, children collected from school etc. She actually did enjoy the home she went into - apparently she was the life and soul of the singsongs (not that she would have admitted that to me!).

mumski · 05/01/2009 10:44

Hi ssd
how did you get on?

Original poster

ssd · 05/01/2009 21:18

hi, having a meeting with social services this week, hope it gets things moving

articroll -- I don't feel I want to remove all risks to mum, I just want her to get some care that she desperately needs (and I want her to want the care too)

maybe a home isn't the answer, but with only me here to look after her I want her to ask for help from the social work dept instead of saying she can do things herself and she's "fine" when they visit, then ask me for help when she's stuck

this is so difficult, the hardest thing I've had to face for a while

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ArcticRoll · 05/01/2009 22:16

Sorry ssd if I sounded unsympatheic to you yesterday-I was having a grotty and grumpy day.
It must be really difficult for you right now.
I hope that you are able to get the support you and you mother need.
I would try to ensure that you are there when the social worker carries out the assessment-if you can't be there then contact the social worker and explain the situation from your point of view. When you talk to the social worker stress the urgency of the situation otherwise you may be waiting for an assessment for some time.

Original poster

ssd · 06/01/2009 20:37

thanks!
part of the problem is getting mum to accept she needs care and she won't get it unless she gets into a care home

she thinks she'll wave a magic wand and the help will appear, its really frustrating

spoke to social services on the phonem they told me they've had massive cuts in their depts and can't afford any more care just now, so with mum refusing a care home I'm buggered if I know what to do for the best.

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mumski · 06/01/2009 22:52

SSD they are taking b**ks. If they assess her and she falls within their criteria - which if you tell the the true situation she undoubtably will. They then have a duty to supply the care.
Are they refusing to come out and assess her?
If so demand to speak to a senior manager. if necessary start mentioning complaints proceedure. DON'T let them fob you off.
You shouldn't have to but you may have to get very forceful with them. This is c**p. We would be lynched if we reponded like this in our authority.. and we are making staff redundant and cut some services. BUT we still have to provide care where there is an assessed need.
Go girl!

mumski · 06/01/2009 22:57

Just re read your last posts. It's very possible to look after your Mum very successfully in her own home if she won't go into a care home. we provide a service for people much more disabled and dependent than your Mum. So it really is a possible alternative, especially if day care can be provided too. hope this helps

Original poster

ssd · 07/01/2009 09:28

mumski, what kind of services are there to help people in sheltered accomodation? I was told she's just be left to her own devises as there are so many people needing help and not all can get it.

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zoggs · 07/01/2009 09:57

Hi ssd. Sorry to hear of your dilemma. I work in a care home and last year I was faced with sorting out care for my 85 year old father so I understand how you are feeling.

It is so hard. Everything fell to me but we decided that we would do whatever we could to keep Dad in his own home. I was ready to give up work to look after him full time but sadly he died in hospital. I was (still am) devastated but part of me thinks that perhaps it was the best outcome for everyone.

If you need any advice about choosing a home I'll gladly give tips - I was a care manager for 10 years and now work part time as a nurse in a home for older people with dementia/physical needs.

zoggs · 07/01/2009 10:05

Sorry, not suggesting that you give up your job to look after your Mum. For my Dad it would have been a short term measure as he had a poor prognosis anyway. I couldn't have done it indefinitely and there may have come a point when a care home was needed.

Just wanted to sympathise as I was in your situation. Also had no support from siblings.

mumski · 07/01/2009 12:37

Hi SSd
as in my previous post, the fact she may be in sheltered has no bearing on wheather she should receive care. If she meets the critera which it sounds as if she does. They should be offering support to her.
If she went in to a care home it would be different as they have their own staff based in the home.
But in her own home or sheltered ie just with a warden she should get the help.

PaddingtonBore · 07/01/2009 13:47

SSD, they MUST come and reassess. departmental finances may be such that they have set the bar for homecare very, very high, so there is a chance that your mum might not qualify after asessment, but they have a statutory duty to reassess.

Original poster

ssd · 07/01/2009 18:43

thanks all

am trying to get her into sheltered housing near me, will see how her applicATION goes, don't know how long it takes...............

I always said mum wouldn't go into a home, but AS She's got older and less able she is relying on me more and more and I feel I'm stretched to the limit. I've got 3 kids under 10 and dh and I have absolutely no help with them, as we have no family here. So my mum on top of this is really hard going. This problem has been going on for ages, its just the last few yrs she's getting on and needing me more and I'm finding it so very hard. My siblings so leave it all to me, I don't know how they live with themselves. They very rarely visit (eg.3 or 4 nights a yr) and think this is great. I so resent them, they are really selfish and don't think of mum, only of themselves, they can well afford to visit, but prefer to fly somewhere warm than come here.
Anyway thanks again, will keep in touch

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Original poster

ssd · 07/01/2009 18:44

3 kids? what am I on about, I have 2 kids!

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ArcticRoll · 08/01/2009 21:52

Hi ssd-as others have said I would keep on at Social Services -they have a statutory requirement to assess your mother's needs.
If I were you I would keep contacting Social Services and ask for assessment asap -they can't refuse you assessment on grounds of lack of funds and if they refuse to assess I would ask about their complaints process.
If she has risk of falls she could be referred to a falls clinic-you could contact her GP.If you are carer you are entitled to your own carer's assessment as well.
Good luck!

Original poster

ssd · 09/01/2009 15:09

thank you artic roll, ss now coming out to assess her, will let you know how it goes

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