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Original poster

Urgent - anyone with experience in pain management of terminally ill cancer patients - please can you advise?

125 replies

MrsClausinJimmyChoos · 26/12/2008 20:38

As I am sure most of you know, MIL (in the Middle East) is terminally ill with cancer.

Have just heard from DH who is out there with her that she has been in agony since lat night. They are doing blood tests tomorrow to ascertain the level of swelling (her feet/legs are swollen) and for the next step in pain management.

Now, I don't think this is right at all - I've read other stories of cancer and that the Mac nurses (which they don't have out there) manage to keep the patients pain free with correct dosage of morphine

She had morphine last night but apparently, it didn't have much effect. Am sure she should not be aware of her pain and they are doing something wrong

Any advice I can give would be so much appreciated. I don't want her to have another night of agony for her

OP posts:

DesperateHousewifeToo · 31/12/2008 12:59

Sending you my condolences.

A very sad day for you all.

Hope she is at last resting in peace. She sounds a very courageous lady with a very loving family who must have been a great comfort to her in her final days.

ilovelovemydog · 31/12/2008 13:28

But what a relief too...

And good that your DH was there when she died, so (hopefully) no feelings of regret... Sounds like it was an appalling few days, but nothing more could have been done...

PaddingtonBore · 31/12/2008 13:37

I'm very sorry for your loss - may she rest in peace.

Saturn74 · 31/12/2008 13:40

Puss, I'm so sorry for your loss.
Thinking of your family at this sad time.

ClausImWorthIt · 31/12/2008 14:13

Sorry for your loss - how's your DH bearing up?

Original poster

MrsClausinJimmyChoos · 31/12/2008 14:15

Thank you all..not sure if funeral today or tomorrow - we bury fast in Islam you see. Obv won't be there..very hard being away from DH when I just want to hold him...everyone else has their husband or wives there - he doesn't...but, at least I can take some comfort in the help I've been able to provide him. Very worried about aftermath when he comes back though and how to deal with a grieving spouse.

ItsCold - I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your help in this past week - you have been amazing and thanks to you - she was less agitated for at least one night - that's so precious. All the information I've been able to pass on thanks to your posts has been priceless - you really have fulfilled your criteria as a doctor as far I'm concerned and you should be proud. Thanks to Emma as well

Thanks to all others who have posted - your support has been fantastic..its times like this when you realise just how great mnet is - I would have been lost without it

A very un mumsnet hug to you ALL and love and best wishes for 2009

Puss

OP posts:

rubyslippers · 31/12/2008 14:21

so sorry for your loss

NorthernLurker · 31/12/2008 14:37

Sorry for your loss and espceially for your dh who must be feeling it so much but I'm glad she's at peace now. You've done a good job as a daughter in law.

emma1977 · 31/12/2008 16:19

Puss, so sorry for your loss. I'm glad that her passage was peaceful and that she is no longer suffering. You have been phenomenal as a family caring for her, she couldn't have wished for more in the circumstances.

May Allah be with her.

SoupDragon · 31/12/2008 16:23

So sorry to hear this. I've been lurking on the thread to see the progression

Peace at last.

blueshoes · 31/12/2008 16:45

MrsClaus, I am very sorry for your and dh's loss of his beloved mother. You and dh can take comfort in the fact that you both did all you could to ease her suffering in her final days, both physically and emotionally. She left this world in the company of her loved ones and is at peace now. I hope you and dh will find solace in your bereavement.

ThingOne · 31/12/2008 17:05

So sorry for your loss. The others are right. You and DH did al you could to ease her suffering. I hope you can all find some peace. And I hope your DH can manage to come to terms with things.

itscoldtoday · 31/12/2008 19:15

Dear PinJC

I managed to check the computer this am, but not the rest of the day, so have only read your messages just now.

I am so sorry for your, dh's, and ds's loss. I am glad that her suffering is over, and that the long, dark nights you and your dh & family have been through are over. But I am sorry that the last few days of her life were so difficult. I am glad if you feel that I was able to help in any way, but in the end I hope that you and your dh realise that it was your immense strength and bravery that has probably made the biggest difference. When dh didn't know how to help his mum, didn't have the support from the medical profession he needed, it was you who spent hours on google and in here finding out the information he needed, so it is you who was able to give them even one night free of suffering. It was you who gave them reassurance, information, and support. And you who kept going, being there for your ds, coping - no matter how you wished circumstances were different - being so far from the man you love.

If, when dh comes home, he has any unresolved issues/questions, please let me know and I will help as much as I can.

Thank you for your kind words to me, they mean so much x

wrinklytum · 31/12/2008 20:47

I'm very sorry,Puss

Thinking of you and your family at this time x

Original poster

MrsClausinJimmyChoos · 02/01/2009 17:32

Thanks to all who have posted - I've felt so supported via mumsnet I really have.

The funeral was yesterday. Right now, I'm feeling very very cut off from DH. His best friend's wife, whom I am also friends with, text me today to see how I was coping - something that hubby has not even done and although I'm thinking ok, he's grieving and the funeral was only yesterday, it would be nice if he could see how I was as I'm upset too - aibu to sort of hope for that?

Anyway, I found out via the best friends wife that he was at his mum's side when she died and that she looked 'much much more peaceful' after she had passed. I am so pi**ed off as he never told me that. I mean I've had over a week of all the really sad texts saying she's in pain, this is happening etc and I would have loved to have known that the end was peaceful for her and he doesn't even bother to tell me! Am I being a cow and expecting too much here?? It really hurts that friends know so much about what he's doing and I barely have a clue!

I was talking over how I felt with my mum last night and she told me to be strong and NOT to text him today if I could. Its laughable that I have to do this, like he's a new boyfriend that I'm wary of scaring him off by looking like a bunny boiler or something! So, its 7.30pm his time now and he hasn't heard from me all day - he usually gets a couple of how are things going, hows you texts - which he barely replies too...but then again, he hasn't text me either...surely this isn't normal between a husband and wife?

OP posts:

herbietea · 02/01/2009 17:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

itscoldtoday · 02/01/2009 19:35

I don't know, I suppose perhaps he is so wrapped up in grief, particularly since it has been so traumatic, that he is struggling to think of anyhting other than his grief, or perhaps struggling to think of anything full stop.

How has he dealt with difficult emotional things in the past? Some men just shut themselves off, like the pain is too much to deal with so they put it in a box to deal with some other time. And perhaps talking to you would open the box up, and maybe he just wants to do that when he's home with you. But as Herbietea says, some people do react differently when grieving and he may not be himself for a while. Be patient, then come on here and rant. We know HIBU, but he may not, but I think you can only wait until he is home to see how he really is.

It is so hard for you, you are his best friend, you want to be the one to listen as he talks about his mother's last days, to hug him when he needs it, to be there when he needs to scream at the unfairness of it all... When can he come back; has he a lot left to sort out?

pavlovthecat · 02/01/2009 19:41

Jimmy - I am sorry to hear about your loss. I hope things are ok for you. Your DH probably does not want to talk about things with you via text, he might not want to talk at all, until he comes home. I agree he may have gone into his 'cave' and not able to communicate his feelings well.

This is a difficult time, and you will need to be strong, which will be hard with a LO and your own feelings to deal with. That is why MN is good, you can pour out the feelings you cant pour out to him.

Big un-mumsnetty hugs to you lovely and give your boy a hug from me and toddler pavlov too x

ilovelovemydog · 02/01/2009 19:44

Puss, They say you can tell how kind a man is by the way they treat their mother, and you've got a keeper

Didn't you mention that this is the first death you've been so involved with? It can get really hectic and one's emotions are all over the place - and with the funeral so quick, it's hyper emotion....

RhinestoneCowgirl · 02/01/2009 19:49

Oh Puss, just seen this, sorry to hear about MIL. You've been so strong through all of this. As others have said, people deal with grief in different ways - when my MIL had breast cancer DH started being pretty nasty to me, picking fights over petty things. He doesn't do talking about emotions easily!

I'm guessing you're staying with your mum atm - would love to meet up when you are back home, have a little girl who would love to meet you...

Original poster

MrsClausinJimmyChoos · 02/01/2009 20:44

Ooooh Rhinestone - I did see your birth thread but with all what's been going on, forgot to post congrats!! I'm so sorry!! Mega congrats!! Love the name too! How heavy was she? Can't wait for a cuddle!

Yes, he's probably in his cave...its very very hard for me. He doesn't like texting at the best of times, even when things are ok...its just hard though as I haven't heard from him since last night. Its not like we can talk on the phone or for him to send me an e-mail.

I'm getting myself worked up...he doesn't seem to appreciate my texting him at all, unless of course it was for information relating to care of MIL - I think he feels it puts him under pressure to reply.

Before mobile phones in his country and in the early days of our marriage where I was banned from visiting him as MIL didn't want to acknowledge our marriage and wanted it kept a secret, we communicated via fax and he used to moan like hell about that too. I remember the night before I started a new job, waiting for a fax he'd promised me and it was midnight and still nothing - in the end I switched the fax off for a few days.

Its nearly 11pm over there now and still nothing..its awful..I'm his wife..not a colleague or similar

OP posts:

ClausImWorthIt · 02/01/2009 20:48

Sorry to hear this - but best counsel would be to try and give him some space. If he doesn't like communicating by phone/fax (whatever) then he will feel pressurised by you at a time when he really doesn't need to be. I know that you know that really!

When is he coming home?

Original poster

MrsClausinJimmyChoos · 02/01/2009 20:56

Hiya Claus - thanks for my message on facebook - very sweet. I don't know when he will be back.

We agreed before he left that he would stay a week after the mourning period (ends Sun) to spend time with his family but he hasn't said anything...I'm afraid to ask tbh...I'm hoping it will be next weekend as he's taking unpaid leave as it is and that would take us up to three weeks of him being away and its taken its toll on me. My meneieres (sp!) has flared up and I'm getting dizzy spells..am not sleeping so good and my period is nearly 5 days late - and no chance of being pg unless am next Virgin Mary so I guess its stress!

OP posts:

ClausImWorthIt · 02/01/2009 20:57

Original poster

MrsClausinJimmyChoos · 02/01/2009 20:59

OP posts:

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