went to my first AA meeting last night

[AlcoAnon]

There are several reasons why and mainly to do with the fact that I have tried to stop drinking several times and have only managed a couple of days maximum. I have tried self-help books like Allan Carr and they didn't do anything for me.

I was incredibly nervous but everyone was lovely. I am still feeling raw and confused about facing the fact that I could be an alcoholic. I can't even admit it on here.

I have name changed as I am still coming to terms with this.

Choccie is fine

And good for you for ringing the AA woman, keep doing that (her and others, if you can) as often as you need or want to - they'll understand and remember what those first few days are like.

I can't help with personal experience of withdrawals, because I withdrew from a variety of other substances as well as alcohol....but I think a few days will make a huge difference.

Well done today!

Well done

I have just taken my first step in facing my r/ship with food though because though I am scared I feel some relief

Did you get through last night without a drink? If you did, well done. Now for three in a row!

Hope you are feeling ok today

mummydidit how are you?
hope you are getting some support too

How's tonight going?

Hi all

Thank you so much for checking back.

I have had a better day today. Only cried once but don't feel as helpless as yesterday. We went to the next town to watch fireworks and went out for dinner beforehand.

It was hard not having a nice glass of wine with dinner and have cravings again but I am more optimistic. The thought of never having a drink again still doesn't feel real.

One day at a time though eh!!!!

Going to another AA meeting tomorrow night. I need their help. And yours. Thank you so much.xxx

Mummydidit-hope you have had a good day today. Let me know how you are getting on. We can support each other day by day.

Well done

It helped me not to focus too much on 'never' and just concentrate on getting through 24 hours without a drink. Its amazing how fast those 24 hours add up.

Its great you are finding meetings supportive, the more the better! Wishing you a deservedly peaceful night...

Well done. Glad it went better. I agree. Don't focus on forever. One day at a time is grand.

If you think of maintaining anything for the rest of your life it feels hard though (try thinking that you will always be patient with the children, or always exercise regularly or whatever). I think it is hard because we don't normally think of things that way - so it's not surprising it feels hard to think of not ever drinking again. If you just think about the next few days it comes into a more normal category of thoughts. IYSWIM?

you don't have to think about not having a drink ever again, you just have to think about not having had one today, and that you didn't yesterday

And a big WELL DONE for not having a drink with dinner
You should feel v proud of yourself.

Did you have a good meeting today?

Thinking of you

Thanks for checking in on me again. You are all so lovely.

I went into the meeting all chirpy and chatty thinking that because I had got through the last few days without a drink then I had cracked it.

I came out of the meeting feeling depressed and with a heavy heart knowing that I have just scratched the surface of recovery. I have so much more healing and growing to do. I almost kidded myself that I could control it even after being dry for only 4 days. There goes that alcoholic mentality again.

They have a meeting saturday night so I am definitely going then. Oh god I feel like shit but it is good. Me feeling like this will keep me from thinking that I have control over drinking.

AA really does work.

Another plus is that my skin is looking much better and less sallow already. I might treat myself to a nice moisturiser and buy some new make-up so I feel a bit better about myself.

Thank you all so much.

Am watching this thread, alcoanon.

I think you're going to find highs (like when you went into the meeting) and lows (like when you came out)

You're doing really well - brilliant

And YYY to new make up and moisturiser.

Thanks IAMH.

I still feel a bit numb from last night. Friday night is going to be a tough one. I am confident I WILL make it. I have plenty of other stuff I could be doing rather than drinking.

Went to shops and bought loads of tasty drinks like schloer and some lovely Waitrose stuff. I nearly ran past the wine section lol. Must have looked like a mad woman pushing past everyone.

An older guy who I got talking to at the meeting knows that I have DS. He said that I have to understand that as DS' mum and as his 'everything', then by getting myself drunk every evening and finding it hard to function 100% the next day means that I am stealing DS' integrity. He also told me not to tell anyone else other than DP as he has seen SS knock on the doors of many high-functioning mothers who are recovering alcoholics when they have told other people.

It has upset me a little bit.

You are doing great -yes, you have a long way to go, but you have made the first steps along that road, and those are the hardest one.

Have you made plans so that you avoid doing the things tonight that would normally go with drinking ? Can you get a babysitter and go to the cinema with DP or something like that which is totally un drink related ?

Remember that SS knocking on the door is not an awful thing to happen. Obviously having an alcohol problem as a parent can compromise the childrens care, but SS are there to support your parenting and someone who is getting help is the sort they like to see. Getting all the help you can is the really important thing for all of you

Hi Cmot

I would love to go to the cinema but we don't know any babysitters and have no family around. DP's mother is coming to stay next weekend so we will go out then. I think I need to have some nights where I have to get used to doing other things rather than drinking to occupy my mind. I have some books that I want to read so might even go to bed early and do some reading.

Re: SS, I understand there is a need for them. However I have never been drunk whilst I have been on my own with DS. DP has always been in the house too. DS has never seen me drunk. I would never allow myself to get into a situation where I would have no control if there was an emergency situation and I was the only one that DS has. DS has a good life , is a loved and very happy boy and we really do not need any help from SS. If anything I think it would do more harm to me than good.

And honest, I am not saying this because I am in denial. I know what I am and I am facing up to it. If I thought that DS was being harmed in anyway (mentally/physically/socially) as a result of my drinking then I would be reaching out for that help. I went to AA because I am dependent on alcohol as a stress reliever and relaxant and I couldn't get myself out of the habit and am obviously still obsessing about it now. I am concerned that if life throws any major shit at me then this uncontrollable habit might spiral into something much worse.

I have a son, a family , my health and much more and cannot afford to throw it away and risk my DS becoming harmed in any way.

Good for you for making a start! I had a friend who drank, and had times between when she would stop and go into rehab. It struck me that drinking really sucks up a lot of time! I think with some of these things, it is filling the time with something productive, which can be easier said than done, if only because addictions and habits are complicated and hard to crack.

I think I may be in a similar situation and I have an uncomfortable relationship with alcohol. Re: SS - I think they would prefer not to get involved unless they really have to. If your drinking reached a point when the children were not being fed or clothed and you were living in chaos, SS may take an interest.

The man you spoke to at the meeting was not very careful with his words and certainly not very helpful. It is unlikely that he knows something you don't!

Yes that was what I was thinking with the chap that I spoke to.

Even though these people are not supposed to judge, I am sure even the most wisened AA member would think 'oh here is another mother who can't stop drinking'. They have seen people lose everything, their kids, their homes, their dignity and self-worth. Have heard stories about people living in bedsits lay on pissy mattresses all day just getting pissed until they pass out then drinking again when they wake up and get the shakes.

I am not like that. I want to stop myself from the risk of ever becoming like that because I cannot control alcohol...IT CONTROLS ME!

This guy knows hardly anything about me. I will make a point of letting him know once I get a bit more confident.

Have you tried cutting back BladeBla? How long have you been drinking and how long can you last on a break?

I have been obsessing about it tonight. Have just been to the shop for some Haribo and lucozade to keep me going and to fulfil that sugary craving. I feel ok now. Just waiting for DP to get back from work then will have my dinner.

My drinking is very erratic - I usually have 2 or 3 nights with nothing, then drink 1.5 bottles of wine, then a glass of wine, then a tin or 2 of beer then nothing again, and so it goes on.

I started recently hankering after gin, which I only drink when I am with my parents.

I think alcohol behaves a bit like a friend and we miss it when it's not there. It's more like a friend who really doesn't care less about you.

I'm much better at drinking less than I used to be, and these days I rarely want to open yet another bottle (big change!!)

I'm really sorry if I seem trivial and stupid, but could you keep a diary for times like this? Perhaps MN fills that gap? You sound as though you are doing heroically well.

I have had dreadful eating problems, and once phoned the Samaritans because I just didn't know what to do with myself. They are there and they are a brilliant organisation.

Are you taking a vitamin B complex? It may help.

alcoanon they are far more likely to be thinking a) good for you, we're here to help, we understand and b) for some of them, I wish I had been like her and managed to stop before I lost so much.

a diary sounds like a good plan - make sure you write a LOT about how proud you are of yourself for not having a drink when you've really craved one.

Bladebla - I understand what you mean about a friend that doesn't care less about you. Do you obsess about it during a break and get cravings?

Not sure about the diary. What do you think this will do for me? Sorry if I sound stupid.

I'm taking a multivit that I already had in unopened that has lots of vit B stuff in.

IANH - I know that most of AA think I am courageous for facing my demons. Just that some might assume that I am neglecting my boy by drinking. And that is the last thing I would let happen.

i don't think they will assume that though - well, if they do, they're doubly ignorant loons because they should know better, they certainly know more than someone who knows nothing about alcoholism.

tbh there will be people there who have neglected their children; they won't be judging you and you won't be judging them.

You don't sound as though you are being controlled by alcohol, alcoanon, but it does sound like you are teetering along a fine line. When my eating was bad, I could think of nothing else, and relationships suffered badly. When you are in the grip of an addiction, you will only have a relationship with that. Everything else becomes sidelined.

I don't know much about AA, but apparently all the groups run in slightly different ways, and some may be more helpful than others.

Do you know what you are using alcohol for?

At the moment, I am trying to find some sort of therapy because my life is so chaotic, with both very good things and very difficult things. This time, I would like to discuss alcohol, so at least I feel a greater sense of having a choice!

I get momentary ideas in the afternoon when I am walking the dogs that a glass of wine in front of the fire would be lovely. These are very fleeting and don't really bother me.

Hope Friday night was ok and you're feeling reasonably well.