went to my first AA meeting last night

[AlcoAnon]

There are several reasons why and mainly to do with the fact that I have tried to stop drinking several times and have only managed a couple of days maximum. I have tried self-help books like Allan Carr and they didn't do anything for me.

I was incredibly nervous but everyone was lovely. I am still feeling raw and confused about facing the fact that I could be an alcoholic. I can't even admit it on here.

I have name changed as I am still coming to terms with this.

Just keep going. You can do it.

It's not just the physical dependency. I am utterly depressed and confuse about how my life has come to this.

I'm not sure I have the emotional tools to be able to cope with something as 'big' as this.

I am sat in with DS and can't stop crying. I feel like I have been kicked in the stomach. I am going to have 10mins in the park before it gets dark to give DS a runabout.

You can cope, you will cope - just cut this huge thing down into little chunks that you can manage. AA will help you find the wherehithal to deal with the big picture. MN will be here to listen to you and support you.

You have a wonderful DP and DS - did he like it in the park ?

AlcoAnon, well done for taking the first step - going to the first meeting took a lot of guts.

Very good idea to go to another meeting as soon as possible. Does AA have an online forum? It might help to read through that, if it does.

Please keep posting on here though - there are some mners in AA.

Well we made it as far as the bottom of the street. DS refuses to sit in his buggy or to hold my hand. I don't want to shout at him for constantly running away from me. I just can't deal with disciplining him today so we turned round and came home.

He is having a rusk, raisins and a smoothie so he is ok for now. Should really switch off CBeebies and play with him but my brain isn't functioning properly.

When I woke up this morning I had that horrible 'omg did that really happen?' feeling that you get when you have experienced something traumatic. I just can't come to terms with it all in my head.

I need some help.

Nothing wrong with CBeebies and a nice sitdown for DS. He's safe and happy and thats what matters.

You've made a huge realisation about something you are doing. You've made a big step in dealing with that. Its going to feel weird. Have you seen your GP or HV ? They'll be able to help you access more help, and be a RL support

I can't go to GP. I am due an occ health check with work and I can't have it on my record.

I understand how he could help but I would rather stay anon for now.

there's a specific thread for supporting alcoholics on mumsnet...anyone know where it is?

you're doing brilliantly, alcoanon- keep talking about it and get out the house as much as possible. change your routine with ds if necessary to include plenty distractions- for him and you... you're not going to be on the ball just now so don't judge yourself by unrealistic standards... are you having withdrawal symptoms? try to keep your blood sugars stable- alcohol can fuck that up as it's so high in sugars. bananas and other slow release foods are best. keep them on you and snack all day. sounds unrelated but it's not- it'll help stabilize your mood.

I am having withdrawal symptoms. I feel edgy, restless, irritable. The need to have a drink is overwhelming. I am craving sugary stuff so have had a banana and a bit of chocolate.

If it gets too much later I think I will just wolf the whole lot.

Pour yourself a glass of squash or soft drink and make yourself drink that instead.

And don't deal with it as a big thing - just focus on tonight and getting through tonight. You can and you will.

I know I can get through tonight without having a drink. It won't be easy but I know I can do it. It is not that that is hurting the most though. I am trying hard to get my head round it all. I just don't know how it has come to this.

wolf it all...keep choccy in fridge for emergencies too.

is it shame you feel? it's all very there for the grace of god go i stuff- anyone could be in your position... it doesn't mean you're weak or lacking.

well done for taking that first step, I'm sure it's nothing you planned.

alcohol dependency just creeps up. don't beat yourself up about it.

I only found out that alcoholism is a disease for life last night at the meeting.

That means that I cannot ever drink it again as I will become dependent on it.

I have been drunk most nights throughout my adult life apart from when I was pregnant and early breastfeeding days. I don't know life without it.

I need to be able to see life without drink as 'the beginning' but all I can think about is how much I have put my body through for the last 10 years and how fucked up it is. What a fucking crock of shit it all is.

Im sorry for my moaning. You are my only outlet at the moment and this is prime-time drinking time. I am feeling weak but I will get through tonight.

you are having lots of realisations and that is unsettling, especially while withdrawal is symptomatic... life gets away from you sometimes and it is easier to be in denial.

denial is the killer though.

Alco-Anon - my hat is off to you. You are doing great. My life has been scarred by family alcoholism and I have nothing but respect and admiration for those who turn and face it down. I'll be looking to see how you get on and willing you on your way. I hope ou keep posting to get support here and anywhere else.

Oh. and as for what you've done in the past that you talk about in your last post: lay it down. It doesn't matter any more.

Thank you all.

DP is home now and is making us fajitas. Not a great meal actually as I love having that with a glass of red.

I feel sad and keep welling up. I am up and down and am having cravings.

I have work to do but the cravings are taking over my concentration. Does anyone know how long withdrawals last?

Not long. My brother usually snaps out of them very suddenly and it doesn't usually take very long to happen. How long have you managed so far?

This is just my second day

I last had a drink on Sunday. I had 2 cocktails and a bottle of wine late afternoon and evening. I don't drink that much on a weeknight but as it was the weekend...

Such a shit excuse. There is no excuse for drinking that much is there???

Hoping that I can do the week but I dont think I will be happy until I have done a month.

JUST your second day? I'd hardly put it like that. You should already be feeling incredibly proud of yourself. It's incredibly difficult to do what you're doing but incredibly worth it. Each day is an achievement. One day at a time will soon add up and you won't hae to have the horrible feelings you're having now any more.

I hope so. I really hope it happens soon.

I texted one of the women that I met last night to let her know how I'm feeling. She is ringing me in a bit so hopefully she can make me feel a bit more positive.

Thanks for taking time out to help me x

Alcoanon you are still doing great, hope you get to chat to the other lady.
Please keep posting if it helps you.
Must be incredibly difficult keeping it together in rl.

I have spoken to the lovely woman from AA.

She is so wise and happy to listen. I feel stronger after her speaking to her. Although not much. I am still having cravings. I might have to get some choccie