just found out im pregnant - dont know what to do ( long sorry)

[Knakard]

Didnt really no what topic to post this in. I have just found out i am pregnant. I went for a blood test as have been really run down and they were actually checking for glandular fever. Ds is 9 months old and still havent got period back as am breastfeeding so had no idea and i never really got any symptoms last time in first trimester.
When i had the doc app today she felt my abdoman and said she thought i was somewhere between 8 and 14 weeks, as far as i am aware we hadnt had a contraception failure so have no idea of dates myself.
I had a nightmare pregnancy last time on crutches from 30 wks with spd and i also have an emerg section in the end. I physically dont feel reallly to be pregnant or have a newborn again as am still so drained and ds still wakes several times in the night, im back at work now and contantly exhausted
I also feel like i dont want ds to have to share me yet and he still deserves my full attention, financially and space wise there would be issues as well, but we would cope.
I know you cant really advise as this is a hugely personal thing but think i really just needed to get it out as other than dp dont really want to talk to anyone in rl about it.
Also i always thought if heaven forbid i ever had to make this sort of decision it would be far earlier on in pregnacy than this.
Gp is in the process of trying to get me refered for date scan asap.
Thanks for taking the time to read this.

I've only just seen this knackard, but wanted to add a bit of support to the other voices. DH and I took a calculated risk when our DD was 8 months old, and I got pregnant. Our situation was slightly different in that I realised I had ovulated a few days after we did the deed and we had had plenty of opportunitites to discuss the what if's before I even got a positive test.

My main worries were the awful pregnancy I'd had with DD; suffering really badly from depression and anxiety as well as sacro-iliac joint problems that meant I was in constant pain. However, I knew I couldn't go through with a termination, having been there done that, got the t-shirt and suffered the emotional fall out when I was a student.

anyway, I'm now 33 weeks and it hasn't been easy. the depression has been an issue and I have SPD and the sacrio-iliac pain is just kicking in as well. Add to that gastric reflux due to breech lie and being headbutted in the stomach on a regular basis, as well as coping with my other two while my DH works away (and DD at 15 months now is a right handful). But, I'm glad we made the decision we did and we are all looking forward to the addition to the family and how the family dynamic will change. Of course the financial situation at the minute is causing us a lot of stress and worry, especially as it isn't economically viable for me to go back to work due to childcare costs, but we will be a family and we'll get through it; although I'm not kidding myself that it's going to be easy. DH is waiting to hear about a job locally, so if that comes off things will be much easier.

Hopefully you will start to feel less tired soon now that the first trimester is out of the way. Take things easy; be kind to yourself, and accept all offers of help with your DS.

Knakard...
In December 2006 I found I was pregnant. Really it knocked me for six and some. DP was having a horrid time when his ex who was trying to restrict his time with their DD.
I had never been maternal and was in total shock and panic when I found I was pregnant. My first reactions were to abort this thing, that I felt had invaded me.
Our DD's first scan was in an abortion clinic.

DP and I went through hell and back, trying to decide what to do. But gradually I decided I could not end this little mites life. I did fear DP and I would split, after all he did not want or ask for another child.
After much pain and counseling help we continued together.

Because I had never been maternal, I really worried I would not bond with the baby. I felt worried and ambivalent throughout the pregnancy.
I dreaded the birth, I was so scared, both of the birth process but also that I would feel nothing for the baby.

I was so wrong...the minute I saw DD after she was born, I could not believe how beautiful she was.

I am totally besotted with the little scamp to this day, she is now 12 months.
DP is besotted with the little scampster too!

Have you heard of Serendipity?
Wikipedia's first line defines it as "Serendipity is the effect by which one accidentally discovers something fortunate, especially while looking for something else entirely"
I forget who said "Life is what happens, when you are making other plans" IMO thats so true.

Knakard...
Our baby seemed like something we could not face or deal with. We thought our families would not want to know her.
Instead she has brought the family together.
She has been an amazingly positive force for all!

IME sometimes an unforeseen happening can become a wonderful blessing

Thankyou to everyone for sharing you stories.
To be honest at the stage we have found out i am i think the decision has been made for us as as i understand it my options are very restricted at this point. Before i went for scan i fully expected if i found out i was 13 weeks plus that instanly i would just feel like, well we are having this baby lets make the most of things. But i really dont feel like that im still thinking i wish i had other options.
Sorry not sure im explaining myself very well.
To be honest its not the practical or financil things that are worrying me it really is the physical side of things.
How will i manage a 12 month old working ft and hardley able to walk?!?! And i really dont want my little boy to suffer.
Also i will have to have another section and the recovery from that was hard enough first time round dh had to do every thing for a week, how could we do that and juggle a one year old, how can i explain to my (very lively) little boy that he cant cuddle muumy as she is too sore cuz even at 15 months will he understand?
Daisy - How are you coping with the physical stuff and still interacting with your lo.

Sorry pooor poor spelling!

Sorry pooor poor spelling!

Sorry pooor poor spelling!

I also had a surprise pregnancy - my 3rd dc, when 1 and 2 were very still (16 month gap). I was sick through the whole pregnancy and he was a really difficult baby. I didn't have time for the others really, and feel like I missed out on the babyhoods of 2 and 3. The first year was basically shit. BUT - now they're a bit bigger and things are a bit easier, I'm so happy to have the little chap in my life. I definitely wouldn't choose to do things like that if I could turn the clock back, but actually it's really nice now and being close in age seems to be a lot of fun for them. I think with just 2 babies rather than 3 you'll probably find it's manageable

I had spd in the first two pregnancies but not really the third time - just pain on getting up in the morning really. Don't know why, but thank God!

Oops very poor apparently.
My other consern is now if i proceed with the pregnancy will the midwives and hv be all over me and thinking that ill not cope and interfering?
What happens if they know you have considered terminating earlier in a pregnancy?

I have an 18 month gap between my first 2 dcs. It is hard being pregnant with a toddler. I struggled to lift ds out of the cot and stuff like that so he learnt to stand on a box to help me to help him. They do understand that 'mummy isn't well' even at that age. There are good things though. Your ds will still be sleeping during the day and going to bed early so you will have more time to yourself than if you had a gap of about 3 years. They will be so close in age that they will play together all the time. Mine are 3 and 4.7 now and are inseparable. Your little boy is not going to suffer. There will be a few months of his life when you will struggle to give him 100% of your attention but he will gain a sibling forever. It will be hard but it will be worth it, and the hard bit will pass.

I was a bit worried that you said you wished you still had options. You do still have options. I think your pregnancy will be more difficult if you're thinking that you're going through it because you have no choice. I'm a bit wary of sounding like I'm trying to encourage you to have a termination because I'm not. I just think it's important to make a conscious decision. I wouldn't have thought the midwives would even know you'd considered a termination unless you chose to tell them & it certainly shouldn't have any bearing on how you're treated.

On the plus side, it's likely that your exhaustion was caused by pregnancy/nursing/working/being a wonderwoman rather than you being below par.

Also, 2 at 23 is young YES but just imagine when you are 40 and your children are all grown up and wonderful and off in the world, and your contemporaries are at death's door trying to cope with their newborns - ha HA! Your life will be just beginning and you will still be young enough to pursue your career without the hassles of juggling children that lots of women of that age face.

It will be tough... but there are LOTS of good things about it. xx

here, here, fio and MP!

tbh, i wish all the time that i had had children young.

yes, i know lots of women say they have the energy of a 20-year-old when they're pushing 40 and pregnant and blah blah but they sure as shit ain't me!

i'm 37 and 34 weeks pregnant and i feel like an old woman. to me, it's harder than when i was 32.

i sincerely hope both my daughters have kids young, i really do.

Knakard - just wanted to say that I'm a m/w and I wouldn't bat an eyelid if someone I was looking after had considered a termination earlier on in the pregnancy. If anything it would make me more sympathetic if they were having a rough time due to SPD, etc later on in the pregnancy. The fact that you'd felt so drained, etc that this was one of the reasons you considered it, if you get what I mean.

I'm sure it will be hard having a toddler and a newborn but you will get through it. I think that just taking each day as it comes is the way. Sometimes the worry is worse than the reality? And just think how nice it will be to have 2 so close in age when they're a bit older - they'll keep each other entertained!

I have taken a day off work today and have spent the entire morning in bed as dh has taken ds for half day at nursery and is thentaking him to him mothers for the afternoon in his lunch hour. God does the world seem a different place having just slept in till nearly noon!!!!

Were having a gp appointment tomorrow morning to dicuss the scan results and look at options but having chatted again to dh this moning i think we both again a late termination, which is what this would be, is not really something either of us could face.but are not ruling anything out till we know more.

Feel so much more positive and like i could cope now though. All my symptoms have strted much earlier this time (i gather thats normal with number 2?) But had to get up to ds 2/3 times last night and i was tired and i was achey but i just bloody got on with it and thats what ill do!

Have made the decision though to stop breastfeeding at the end of this week in the hope it might give me a little energy back and because im working the contstant expressing is also very draining. Had hope to feed to a year but hey ho ive done bloody well to get this far.

Well think im gonna go and have a sneeky look at double buggies on ebay!

Thankyou so much to everyone for your kind kind words of support.

x

You have done bloody BLOODY well. Well done you. I'm glad you are feeling more positive.

Hi Knakared. What mp said - you are doing bloody well.

I found out was preg when DD2 was 6 months old. DH and I were in shock for sometime. I was negative or neutral about the situation throughout my whole pregnancy. I am now holding a 6 weeker in my arms and am really happy.

Had section and DD2 found it really hard for a few weeks when I couldn't lift her. Her sleep was all over the place which was the last thing we needed. But it's only 6 weeks in and she's been fine for about 3.

Having said that I didn't have SPD. Just get all the help together that you can and once you're through the early bit you'll have a really close happy family.

BTW we have tried out 5 different double buggies in our time. Most of the tandem ones are unbelievably heavy esp up hill. The side by sides allow older kid to abuse baby. The best we've got is the Jussone othello (www.jussone.co.uk). It's suitable from birth and really manouverable, The hood doesn't attach properly though so crap in the rain.

I think you had a really difficult decision to make but now at least there'll be no regrets for you in the future.

Knakard - you sound so much better today, loads more positive. Getting enough sleep just works wonders doesn't it?

Just wanted to say - my very good friend had two babies at age 21 with about 12 months between them. She was a lone parent for a lot of the time when they were growing up and although it was really hard she always tells me she wouldn't do it any other way. Both her girls are grown up now and out in the world doing their own thing, one has two babies of her own, the other is at uni. They have always been really close.

Anyway - just wanted to echo what others have said about the positive side of having them young - my friend and I are the same age (almost 40) - I'm about to drop my DD off at nursery and then go to work. She has no childcare/babysitting worries aside from her own turn as grandma. In fact, she's off on a once in a lifetime holiday today .

good luck with gp appointment - hope you keep feeling positive..

knackard, it;s good to hear you sounding a bit more positive and I hope you got on OK at the GPs today

I was still BFing DD when I found out I was pregnant and I found that really hard as my milk supply started to dwindle quite quickly so she was feeding more and more. We gave up when she was around 10 months old, two months into the pregnancy, but I had hardly any milk left by then so it was the right thing to do.

Physically, it's starting to take it's toll a bit now, and I have had SPD issues, but they have improved over the last couple of days since baby has decided to get with the programme and be head down for take off. I am still lifting DD quite happily, but I do tend to let her climb the stairs to bed herself (with me just behind her!) and she is walking now and likes to walk home on our way back from dropping DS at school (which is great cos it gives me an excuse to meander slowly ). My sleeping has become a bit erratic and it is hard to deal with a toddler when you are physically knackered and emotionally drained (I have depression as well which is making life seem harder than it is iyswim). But, I rest as much as possible in the day and have a nap when DD does if I can, and DH is great with the housework, even though I save it up for the three days he works away and it's waiting for him when he comes home.

I'm trying not to worry too much about what will happen afterwards, it'll be hard, but I'll cope. If I have to stop BFing the new baby sooner than I'd like, and if I have to adopt a routine when I'm not really a routine sort of person, then so be it. I had an emCS with DS, then elective with DD, but am aiming for a VB this time as I can't face the idea of dealing with small children after surgery. Is there any way that you would be able to try for a normal delivery?

Re work, I found out I was pregnant before I was due back after my last maternity leave and I had five weeks accrued holidays to take as well......then the doctor signed me off due to the depression and I was signed off until my new maternity leave started. From your POV, would it be possible to reduce your hours/no of days you work, and then start your ML at the earliest possible opportunity? We have already decided that I am not going back to my full time job, mainly as it is a stressful job and I know I wouldn't cope, but also because full time childcare for two and wrap around care for DS will take up about 3/4 of my take home pay. A PT job as a checkout girl would make more financial semse as DH could look after the DCs whilst I did that.

Sorry for the long post . It has helped me come to terms with things a bit as well......denial is a handy thing sometimes, but the reality needs to be faced.

Let us know how you got on today, and take care.

xx

Had some very difficult news today they now cannot find a heartbeat and apparently the scan on thursday showed some abnormalities which for some reason i was not told about at the time. i have an emergency scan booked at 4pm today. gp looked very conserned today. Dont really understand what is happening.

I'm so sorry Knakard. Will have my fingers crossed for good news. Let us know how you get on