Off to the dr's in a short while - not sure what's up, want to tell him everything but worried i'll cry & look like a loon!

[SpandexIsMyEnemy]

basically i'm not sleeping, DS isn't sleeping, my hormones (or well emotions) are so all over the place, one minute i'm fine and happy other times i'm really down, this has been on/off for a good while but I feel like somethings not right. I'm plodding on but usually on the verge of tears 90% of the time - but then again thou going and having a work out is helping that for the day but the next day i'm the same.

DS is being challenging at the mo. totally disobedient at times, as I say he's not sleeping well & comes into my bed consequently i'm bearly having anything at all.

i'm not enjoying being a mum, & there's times I even question if I love him. I know I have a lot going on at the mo what with one thing/another, I just thought it was meant to be easier! (even if I am on my own! lol)

I feel so ungrateful as well for what I do have as a lot of people have no one at all at least I have a fab support network.

I don't think i'm depressed but not sure - but certainly don't want happy pills. as I say thou something's not right making me so up and down n not sure what it is.

to cap it off yesterday my glands in my neck came up like a balloon - have gone down today but am worried about mumps/glandular fever or something (althou i've already have GF about 8 years ago)

sorry has been going on for about 18 months ish on/off.

I did have blood work which all came back as fine this was january of last year.

you sound like you are trying to deal with lots of stuff with little/no sleep.
you could be run down or it could be depression, would sleeping meds help you in the short term?

Wondered how long it would take to get this from you mate!

I think you are depressed. I think the lack of sleep is a big factor in how you feel.

Happy pills can be a good thing though mate, can help you sleep.

What is J's sleeping pattern like? Is it worse after being with exH? Is it something exH is doing to disrupt him?

Dont feel like a loon if you cry, it was what happened to me, and I ended up on ADs and to be honest, they are fab (Amatryptoline)

I sleep like a baby now and my headaches have gone.

Don't worry about the doctor - they've seen it ALL before!

I think OJ's right. A few good nights' sleep would probably do you the world of good. Life is always so much worse when you're trying to deal with it on no sleep.

Sleeping pills are nothing to be scared of. These days they don't turn you into a zombie.

hi OJ, tbh I don't want sleeping pills, really I need to be able to have some faculties incase DS needs me during the night, (at 2.5 thou you'd think he'd be settled more!)

I do get one good nights sleep every fortnight when XH is down and I go off to mums! (then it's about 10 hours ish - bliss!)

You won't look like a loon

I hope you feel able to talk and explain. Sleep deprivation is torture - literally - and probably justifies it all though there may be some depression in there.

Woulkd you/ could you do anything proactive about DS's sleep? How old? And why do you think he is not sleeping just now? Once I had to do something about DD's sleep that I would never have intended to do, because it was damaging my mental health. If he is ill/ teething/ new school/ etc I guess there's not a lot you can do though.

You should tell the Dr all about your troubles, it sounds like you need to offload it all and get some help somehow.

Don't worry about crying in front of the Dr. You are likely to only one of the people that they'll see this week who becomes overcome with emotions. The Dr may be able to refer you for counselling or maybe you are depressed. The person with depression is usually the last to realise.

Hope you feel a bit better soon.

hay jarm! lol. u know me so well!

he's the same either way - and X has noticed as well (after telling me he always went 12 hours for him indeed he doesn't any more).

I think it's all coming to a head at the mo as i'm doing 2 courses on OU and am stressing out i've taken on more than I can manage - and then of course there's the whole money issue which is always around. (or not! lol)

Sorry to hear you feling so unwell and heart totally goes out to you - no wonder you are exhausted and tearful. Tell the GP everything, all of it, sob away, take tissues. Will not think you are a loon, will hopefully appreciate how hard everything is at present and give you some options in the form of medication/counselling/support/whatever they think will help. If they don't, go and see another one but don't be put off - you should not be feeling this rotten all the time.

Is you HV any good? That should be second stop after GP and see if you can get some advice over your son's sleeping and getting him back into his own bed again and give you a chance to get some more rest.

Good luck x

spandex do you have trouble getting off to sleep or staying asleep?
my Doc gave me zopiclone which get me off to sleep but don't keep me there, i don't feel zonked out the next day i was wary cos i have to be aware of the kids as like you i am alone with them.

I think DS's molars are coming thru - but he's been like this since he came back from being with his dad for a week in may - (well has got better since then) now I think it's become a habit, & he likes the comfort - he's a sensitive little boy so picks up on the slightest change in things, so while I've tried to keep everything level for his sake, i'm now becoming a right dragon and shouting at him thru lack of patience when I wouldn't have before. it's not his fault thou as tbh he is a good little boy 95% of the time.

LOL

Been there, done it babe. Jessica is 4 and has only slept through for the last month or so!

What are you doing when J comes through? How often is he coming through?

W&P - i've never met my HV she rang once and said 'how's his speech' - ok if you have no worries then don't come in' that was in jan when I moved here.

OJ - I go off ok- and am exhausted when I do get off to sleep so I think that doesn't help, then DS then comes in with me and I dose as he's next to me - some times he comes in at 4 or 5 am others it's midnight others 1am. so some nights I have 1 or 2 hours of 'sleep' then doseing until he wawkes up, or I get 6 hours and feel more human!

out of 14 nights about 10 will be about 1.30am ish, 2 might go round 7-7 (if i'm really really lucky) and the others i'm not here so donn't care as X is dealing with it! lol.

for a while I was fighting him back to sleep but we would have a 2/3 hour screaming hissy fit at 2 am, which resulted (and i'm ashamed to say) after about a month of him doing this, but it's no excuse, I shook him. I could have carried on as well but stopped left the room rang mum at 1.30 am who came over and sorted him out.

You need to be putting him back to bed.

He has learnt if he comes through he gets to sleep with mummy, and then you dont sleep!

Or, let him come through, wait until he is asleep and go and curl up in his bed!

I would be returning him to his own bed though. Ok, it might take a while to start with, but even now if one of the girls comes through to us, we chuck them back to bed, and they go back to sleep again.

Has he got access to a sippy cup of water? thats what my girls seem to want if they wake.

keep things really calm, stay with him til he falls asleep if necessary.

I know its a nightmare, honestly i do, but you need to crack it before you go insane.

Why do you need to do the OU courses? Is it something you can defer for a year or two?

I ask only because I have been where you are, and you do get to a point where something has to give, and it is better to make a decision to put the least important things on hold, so that you can cope with the most important IYSWIM.

I wouldn't recommend sleeping tablets - as you say - you do need to be aware and capable at night. I do, however, think ADs might be a good emergency measure, just to keep you afloat while you try and deal with everything.

I am sure the swollen glands are your body's immune system responding to the stress. It is a sign that you are overloaded. HTH.

I know - and I've tried that - both in my bed and in his - both ways for me when it comes to me putting him in his bed or leaving it's no good - he wakes up the minute I lay him down - yet in my bed he can be snoring! lol.

maybe the way forward with that's gonna be to have the single blow up bed on his floor for a few weeks?

i'd rather not deferrer unless I really have to tbh, I feel like a fraud for moaning. For the most part the courses are fine, and I think I will cope with them, it's just on top of it all, and not to mention I read snippets from the book which has resulted in me worrying about what's ahead instead of realising it will all build up iycwim. was hoping to find a PT job as well but guess that's out of the window right now!

SO..you have tons on, lots of worries, LO not sleeping - no wonder you are on the verge of tears all the time.

All I can add is to try and look after yourself...maybe a good multi vitamin, extra B vitamins for stress, and essential fatty acids (flax, Evening primrose etc) for your hormones and also to feed your nervous system)

Maybe try and do something for yourself that you find deeply relaxing...yoga? Meditation class, excercise class...whatever

You need an outlet for your stress.

Good Luck

actually they do do a pilates class at the gym, but it would mean giving up one of the aerobic ones as DS can only go 3 morning max a week. althou I could see if my nan will watch him for an hour for me so I can go once a week.

was thinking about the evening primrose.

my weight has stopped still as well (about 2 stone shy of where it should be/I want it to be) which is frustrating - then again DS & I haven't been exactly eating the best meals lately.

why is it you always feel guilty as a mum! if it's not one thing it's something else!

right we'd better get dressed so I can walk over there with the boy, let's hope I keep it together long enough in the surgery.

Good luck
I think many people go through times like this, and its only when you come out the other side that you see just HOW stressed you were...

A few years ago, dh was made redundant, I was heavily pg, had ds who was nearly 2...DH found a job in Germany, but it was only a short contract, and people were getting laid off by the day. I am not that fluent in German, so was very isolated (we left our house that we had just bought). At the time, I could not sleep, and I really coudn't understand why!

Sometimes its hard to see clearly when you are in the middle of it

well came back, didn't even sit down before was crying!

i'm boarder line, glands are just spots but it's made me admit it to the dr so has been good.

he's not keen on giving me anything, said see the HV and if i'm no better to go back in 3 weeks and then tablets might have a place/role to play.

said toddlers at this age are hard work. he's quite happy for me to keep doing my exercise thing and try to get to grips with it that way.

I was totally honest with him (well as much as u can be in 15 mins, but he's known me since I was about 3!)

so this week on my shopping list is deffo evening primrose. and also need to get to grips with my diet as i'm sure i've read that diet also plays a part??? so any ideas on that front? needs to still be cheap but healthier than we've been having (or should I say me get the motivation to cook again) - for DS's sake.

DS keeps saying today, J-J's fault mummy, J-J did it. (I might be reading too much into it, as he's been blaming everyone when he's done things, but it makes me feel bad when he says that after he's fallen over or something. )

have I damaged my son - when all I want to do is protect him.

Dont be daft.

Glad you got things sorted.

What you need to do now is focus on the future.... lots of cuddles for J and tell him mummy is sorry for being shouty.

Stickers for when J is good will help heaps at this age. Threaten with no stickers etc when not being so good.

Menu wise - Feed your family for a fiver from sainsburys are really good and really cheap, and with being on your own, you can freeze the leftovers for another night.

Menu plan, buy what you need, etc etc you know it all already mrs!

Can mum/nan have J for a few hours a week to give you some headspace?

Why isnt exH taking J back to his for the weekend? Why should he be allowed to stay in YOUR house? He needs to stand up and help you more with him, and if he refuses, then he is proving what a wanker he is.

You have NOT damaged J - he needs time away from mummy, he needs reassurance from mummy that you love him, and most of all - he just wants fun and games.

Take care - you can get through this, it will be hard, but we are all here to help you.