Off to the dr's in a short while - not sure what's up, want to tell him everything but worried i'll cry & look like a loon!

[SpandexIsMyEnemy]

basically i'm not sleeping, DS isn't sleeping, my hormones (or well emotions) are so all over the place, one minute i'm fine and happy other times i'm really down, this has been on/off for a good while but I feel like somethings not right. I'm plodding on but usually on the verge of tears 90% of the time - but then again thou going and having a work out is helping that for the day but the next day i'm the same.

DS is being challenging at the mo. totally disobedient at times, as I say he's not sleeping well & comes into my bed consequently i'm bearly having anything at all.

i'm not enjoying being a mum, & there's times I even question if I love him. I know I have a lot going on at the mo what with one thing/another, I just thought it was meant to be easier! (even if I am on my own! lol)

I feel so ungrateful as well for what I do have as a lot of people have no one at all at least I have a fab support network.

I don't think i'm depressed but not sure - but certainly don't want happy pills. as I say thou something's not right making me so up and down n not sure what it is.

to cap it off yesterday my glands in my neck came up like a balloon - have gone down today but am worried about mumps/glandular fever or something (althou i've already have GF about 8 years ago)

You haven't damaged your son. Give him lots of kisses and cuddles and just tell him mummy is poorly if he keeps insisting.

Ask him for a kiss and tell him you are all better now, this will work best if you kiss him better when he gets hurt so he understands the concept.

Don't be so hard on yourself. All mums have days/weeks/months like this and we all feel like we can't cope sometimes. Sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture but mums are expected to just cope with it all the time.

Just tell youself several time a day that you are a good mum and you are doing a good job. The more you tell yourself, the more you may come to believe it.

u know what he's like. he's happy while things are his way - i've decided that when I have another place he can fuck off sleeping on the sofa in my bed as he does when i'm not here . but for now i'm biding my time - I need XH to agree to sign the lease again in November, otherwise we're screwed really! well I could move back with the oldies but then i'd have to give up my dogs. and well I deffo wouldn't get another place then as they have a huge 3 bed house.

they have him their fair share to be fair. He has 4 hours over 3 days in the creche which helps.

the £5 meals tbh I find a bit of an insult as most of my meals tend to be cheaper - then again i'm all for variety, etc, but it will push my budget up (currently about £30 per week max) I know most of it is common sence and learning to deal with one thing at a time, the first is sleeping on the floor in DS's room tonight hopefully if I do that for a week or so he'll settle down??!!

cuddles are plenty here for DS as are cuddles, it's the fun n games which isn't so much - can be but not always - my attention span is a lot shorter than his. esp at the beach when it's just me and him.

dear lord the beach is soooooo dull for adults! I last about 20 mins top!

Choccy crispy cakes
Fairy cakes
Play-doh
finger paints
train set
dressing up

Food wise, i know what you mean - but then we are feeding 5 not 2!

What sort of things are you eating? I find buying frozen veg so much cheaper. Fruit seems to be our biggest expense.

Not sure what else to suggest babe, would love to just jump in the car and come and hold your hand for a bit, but not possible xxx

I know chick, and it means a lot.

fruit/veg we don't have as much as we should do, but I do have those vouchers which I use fortnightly tbh so buy fresh fortnightly.

meals wise we'll have typically.

spag bolg,
cottage pie
roast (at mums)
erm... sweet n sour,
another meal at mums (tonights was liver/bacon)
pasta bake of sorts. padded with veg.
and another meal with mum.

we do typically baking once a week. paints not so much at the mo, trains/cars etc - but again my attention is crappy. we'll read a book - and he'll read me one as well. do colouring. go to a toddler group on a monday avo & tues am, dancing around the room when i'm a bit 'hyper' lol. am yet to try doing my combat when he's in the room - could be fun n games!

just bring this up again, as am having a few wobbly days again at the minute.

the evening primrose oil has been good for the most part, but i'm still short with DS.

it can't be blamed on lack of sleep either at the mo as he's going 7-6 in his bed (woohoo!) although it's taking me an hour of him fart arsing about & me shouting to get him there in the first place asleep at 8pm.