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Original poster

Please tell me about your experience of having a termination

72 replies

electra · 06/08/2008 10:32

If you feel you can post about it I would appreciate it. A few weeks ago my coil fell out and I am now pg.

I am trying to figure out the best thing to do but would like to know about terminations - was it traumatic for you? How did you feel afterwards?

Sorry, know this is sensitive but it would help if you could post your experiences...

OP posts:

Original poster

electra · 08/08/2008 13:21

Thanks zippi - how are things with you?

OP posts:

zippitippitoes · 08/08/2008 13:24

i was very low earlier in the week but i am feeling much better again now

Flightputsonahat · 08/08/2008 13:54

Electra, I think you have it there - it is truly a rock/hard -place scenario, and what you have to do is work out what you'll be left with each way. For me it took a few weeks to get there (I hate to do things without others' approval) and in the meantime I hadn't got a clue which path to take so I was hedging it.
But I knew if I had a termination there would be nothing, just possibly less work (babies are so much easier when you've done it before - as you'll know!) and less grief from other people (short term at least)

But if I didn't, and had the baby, I would have a baby at the end of it. That kind of swung it for me

Ramifications yes, some stress and a hard pregnancy (yours might be good, I had bad morning sickness) but then finally a good thing was born of it all. I don';t think I could have contemplated going through those awful few weeks at the start, only to end up with no baby - just too sad for words really. It would be hard either way but if you already have two reasonably happy children I think you have little to lose having another - as long as the baby would be Ok, cared for as you already do with your girls - then nobody can criticise your choice.

The father's involvement is a different matter - I'd find that much harder to deal with than a little baby. I didn't have too much hassle from my ex, as he didn't want a baby in the first place, but you might end up with access issues and so on, whether that would bother you I don't know...

anyway the people at Marie Stopes really put me off with their attitude, maybe I just interpreted it wrong but I felt rather horrid about the whole deal. I was pretty dumb to get pregnant by a nutter but it was my job (and wish) to deal with it, iyswim. And it's worked out fine

Flightputsonahat · 08/08/2008 13:55

Oh and there were a few male friends who said similarly stupid things to me, too - just ignore, I learned to - they can't possibly understand. Hormonally apart from anything else we are already in full swing and geared to keeping the child (bunch of cells, whatever) safe and alive, and it's extremely hard to dismiss that instinct.

jimjamshaslefttheyurt · 08/08/2008 14:37

electra that wasn't your twatty friend that keeps coming out with loads of crap again was it?

bin him!

I think you can only go with your gut really. I know what you mean about the autism thing, but I would just remove it from the decision making. It's so long before you find out that it isn't really relevant (by which I mean if you went ahead and the child was autistic then by the time you found out it wouldn't make any difference to the way you felt about the child).

jimjamshaslefttheyurt · 08/08/2008 14:39

not that it would make any difference to the way you felt about the child if you found out earlier either though. I don't know if I'm making much sense. I suppose I mean autism is perhaps a smaller part of the decision making than the other factors and you have so much else to consider that I would just ignore it.

zippitippitoes · 08/08/2008 14:47

i cant imagine how difficult this must be

but it does sound as though termination would be difficult for you to come to terms with

girlnextdoor · 08/08/2008 14:48

Electra- just to play devils' advocate- if this were me in your shoes, there is no way I would have the child. I had always been clear in my own mind that if I got pregnant accidentally outside of a stable relationship, I would terminate.

I had my first child when I was married, at 31.

Before that, I was at university and working in my profession. I knew that I did not want a child and felt too young to be a parent any time before i actually was.

If my daughter- who is a bit younger than you- was pregnant, and at uni- I would have no hesitation supporting a termination.

For me, any child I had would always be "his" baby and unless I loved the man deeply, I would not want to be saddled with another person reminding me of a possibly-failed relationship.

It is your choice, but I just wanted to let you know how I would feel if I were you.
would it help to remind yourself that you were using contraception- so you weren't wanting a baby Ask how has that position now changed, if you feel it has.

Original poster

electra · 08/08/2008 16:31

Thanks again. Jimjams, no it wasn't him! I wouldn't discuss it with him at all - he is not a good enough friend, and I have put him on extinction, lol! This was someone who I have considered to be a good friend before. I think he trying to help in his way but he doesn't understand fully how it would affect me. He thinks you can choose how something affects you but I don't really agree.

girlnextdoor - thanks for your perspective. I think that like flight, I know in my head it would be better not to continue with the pregnancy but I feel when it comes to it I won't be able to go through with termination.

I have to go for pregnancy counseling at the clinic next week anyway.

OP posts:

jimjamshaslefttheyurt · 08/08/2008 16:36

Hope the counseling helps electra.

Glad the other guy is on extinction. Has it worked or is he having an extinction burst?

Original poster

electra · 08/08/2008 16:57

LOL yes it worked very well, I have to say. He thinks that he can force me to agree with his opinions via systematic brow beating. But I'm too stubborn!

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Flightputsonahat · 08/08/2008 17:19

Ok pet, just watch the counselling if it is provided by Marie Stopes, as they do have a vested interest in your going ahead with the termination - I was given some very, very biased 'counselling' in which I asked naive questions about the size of the embryo I was carrying, the woman drew me a grain of rice, and in fact by that stage it was about the size of a baked bean with a little head etc. It was very upsetting to find that out afterwards but luckily this was before my actual appointment so I had time to check it out.
I hope you can manage to find your way through all of this. Try to keep in mind that it's your baby, your body and you get to choose - nobody else whatsoever.x

Original poster

electra · 08/08/2008 17:25

Thanks flight - it is our FP clinic so hopefully not as biased as Marie Stopes.

OP posts:

Flightputsonahat · 08/08/2008 17:28

Good - just ask as many questions as you want to. I hope it helps you decide.

sillymummy84 · 10/08/2008 02:29

oh honey, i was in a similar situation when i was 17 and living with my parents, i just couldnt bear the thought of having THAT conversation with them, i knew they, my mum especially, would hit the roof and make me leave home. my friends also helped in convincing me it was 'for the best' to get rid.

i got as far as the pep talk thing right before the abortion was supposed to happen. there was this nurse explaining to me what was going to happen, obviously been trained to use all these stupid euphemisms for baby and killing, i wished she would go away, then her voice became a dull noise in the background and i was looking down at my tummy wondering how much the abortion was going to hurt when i heard a better voice. i dont know if it was god or the baby inside or whatever but something told me not to do it. i got up and told her 'i cant do this', walked as quick as i could out of the clinic and found myself crouched outside against the wall of the building, crying hysterically, telling my baby that i wasn't going to let anyone harm them. now every time i think about that day, which is often, i kiss my daughter and tell her i love her. she is the best thing that's ever happened to me, and even though my parents were horrible and tried to make me feel like i'd committed a heinous crime in becoming pregnant, we survived, in part thanks to the enormous amount of help and support i got from the local catholic church, even though i'm not a catholic, but mostly because i knew i'd made the right choice. i chose to let my daughter live and choosing life is never wrong.

please please if you do terminate make sure it's because you actually cannot bear the thought of having a child, not because it would make life easier for others or because it isnt quite the right time. personally, i highly recommend unplanned pregnancies, half of us started as them. much love. x x

Original poster

electra · 10/08/2008 14:10

Thanks sillymummy - that post is quite moving xx

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charlotte121 · 10/08/2008 17:22

Just thought I would post. I have never had an abortion but both my dcs were unplanned and both times my partner (now ex) wanted me to have an abortion. I felt quite preassured into the whole thing but in the end decided I couldnt go through with it. I dont think it was the proceedure I was worried about but more how I would live with myself afterwars as im the type of person who would dwell on it and really beat myself up over it.
I now have 2 beautiful children and although its tough they are both totally worth it. I dont think I could ever terminate having a baby but that said sometimes the time/situation isnt right for a baby and you have to choose the right thing to do.

I dont think keeping a baby could ever be the wrong decision to make as each human life is a blessing but if you do not feel that you want this baby then perhaps a termination would be a better option. Its a very hard decision to make and so you need to take time to think about it and speak to your dp about his feelings too.

Original poster

electra · 12/08/2008 17:20

I went for the appointment today. The nurse I spoke to said she felt a termination probably wouldn't be the right option for me as I am so unsure I could go through with it. She asked me if I had considered adoption...

I suppose it is still so early and I could miscarry anyway.

OP posts:

girlnextdoor · 12/08/2008 20:44

Are you hoping you might miscarry so the decision is taken out of your hands?

Did you feel she was making your mind up for you-or did it feel a relief to hear her say that? I am surprised she was so opinionated tbh.

Original poster

electra · 12/08/2008 21:58

No...but I just know that as with any pregnancy things are unsure anyway in the early weeks.

The nurse just asked me a lot of questions, I think to find out how much of me wants to have the baby. When I found out about it last week my first reaction was that I couldn't have the baby but now I feel somewhat differently - I think when I read the information about the abortion procedures I just started to feel there is no way when it comes to the crunch that I will be able to do it.

If I have the child, though I am very unsure whether or not I have a moral obligation to tell the father that he may have a child in the UK who is biologically his.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 12/08/2008 22:02

She wasn't opinionated. She just picked up a lot of elements that electra's posts about how she feels about it have demonstrated to many of us here.

If a woman is anything less than 100% sure a termination is what she wants, then it's not the option for her at the moment.

emma1977 · 12/08/2008 22:15

The nurse sounds as though she merely reflected back to Electra her own feelings about the pregnancy and termination, not expressed an unwanted opinion.

I would agree that if someone is ambivalent or deeply unsure that termination is the best way to proceed for them, then it would be hugely unprofessional and unethical to coerce them into it.

At least this way, Electra still has time to consider her options and see how nature proceeds.

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