Please tell me about your experience of having a termination

[electra]

If you feel you can post about it I would appreciate it. A few weeks ago my coil fell out and I am now pg.

I am trying to figure out the best thing to do but would like to know about terminations - was it traumatic for you? How did you feel afterwards?

Sorry, know this is sensitive but it would help if you could post your experiences...

electra, so sorry you are facing this.

I had a termination a long time ago. stupidly messing around and fell pregnant.
I was in a bad way mentally, I was way too young, and I just knew that having a baby would not do me any favours, and that I coudln't offer a baby any semblance of a safe or normal home.

It was still the absolute hardest decision I have ever, ever, ever had to make.

I was referred to bpas, so I didn't have to pay (guess cos I was so young and a bit crazy? i dunno) I had it done under a general because I didn't want to know about it. I didn't want to take the pill and have to come home and deal with it all coming out.

It was ok afterwartds I guess. they offered me counselling and stuff. it was really weird.

I feel a lot worse about it now I have had kids though, I think about it a lot. It was the right decision at the time, but still makes me sad.

I think if you have even a small doubt about whether it's the right hting, then you shouldn't do it. you need to be certain

god how difficult and what bad timing electra. I think given all your complicating factors the only thing you can go on is gut.

I do have 3 friends that I know have had terminations. For 2 of them they had no doubt that it was what they wanted and emotionally the whole thing was very straightforward and has remained so. The other was less certain and emotionally found it much harder for quite a few years afterwards.

If you go on your gut I think that there's some strength in knowing that you've made the right decision for you, even if it's not necessarily the decision you want to make (either way) iyswim.

Thanks again everyone. Jimjams, yes just when you think everything couldn't get any worse it does! And I was feeling a lot better - was taking 50mg quetiapine every night and sleeping, not feeling paranoid etc. I only found out on Monday so I'm still very confused.

Does anyone have a view on whether the father has a right to know? I am thinking I won't tell him whatever happens. Is that wrong?

Which doctor has told you to stop taking quetiapine? Is it a psychiatrist or your GP?

Quetiapine is not a drug that you always have to stop taking in pregnancy.

Without knowing anything about you or why you are taking it it is not possible to comment on your own situation, but I would urge you to take specialist advice on this.

I don't think the father has any right to know if you finish the pregnancy. I think it gets trickier if you do go ahead and have the baby. Will other people know who he is? If so, then I think you would have little choice but to tell him.

Do you have anyone in RL you can talk it through with?

I think it is cruel to keep the father in the dark.

Just my opinion clearly.

Hi Electra

I don't have any personal experiences of termination but a close friend had an early termination many years ago and does not appear to have suffered any ill effects. It was done very early in preg, as early as its possible to be done and she had been really unlucky having used a condom and taken MAP which obviously failed.

What is you gut/heart feeling? Take the questiapine out of th equation, because it is possible to continue with this in preg you may just need extra monitoring and/ or if your psychiatrist (if you don't have definately ask for an urgent referral) may explore other options where there is more known about any possible effects on the fetus.

Like you I fell preg unexpectedly, and have suffered from quite severe depression but found the 9 months and about a year after ds were born the 'best' of my life so maybe its a blessing in disguise.

Get all the help and support you need to mmake your decision and I hope you find the resolution you are looking for.x

If you go to the 'Search for messages' and type in Abortion - you will find lots and lots of help and advice.

You must remember though that we can all give you our opinions and experiences, but you really will have to make the decision.

Trust your instinct.

Hi

I had a termination in 1996, very early, as a result of a condom failure and then the morning after pill not working. I found the weeks inbetween finding out I was pregnant and having the termination the hardest, only because I felt like I was out of control. The termination itself was actually easy. I went in as a day patient, had the op then came home a few hours later.

I knew as soon as I found out I was pregnant that I could not have the baby - my life at the time was not good and I was living miles from the father. I did tell him, and I told him in the same breath what I was going to do. I didn't really think about him but years later he told me that he wished I had discussed it more with him.

I have never had any regrets though and I found the recover quite easy. I didn't have any mental health issues although as I said teh weeks when I was waiting were not good for me.

I don't think you have any moral obligation to tell the father but I would think about how you might feel afterwards. it would be cruel to not tell him at the start only to bring it up sometime in the future. If you think you can never tell him then don't but if there's a chance it will come out later then that's tricky.

Make sure you make the right decision for you. Do you have/want kids? I have none now but am trying to get pregnant and I have no anxiety or anguish about having chosen a termination in the past. The past is the past and I didn't think of my pregnancy as a 'child' or a loss.

Electra- no one but you can decide whether to tell the father, but think on these-

1 if you do tell him will that affect your decision over what to do?
2 If you don't tell him will you feel guilty in 20 years time?
3 If you keep the baby, does he have a right to know he is a father even if you don't stay together? (imo, yes, he does)
4 Would he want access if he knew and you kept it?
5 If so, how might that affect any future relationships you have?
6 Do you see your relationship continuing, baby or no baby?

Thanks again for all your replies, I genuinely find them useful. Today I was sent some information from the family planning clinic about termination procedure. It upset me to read it I didn't expect to feel so sad about it.

The situation with the father is complicated - he's younger than me (he told me he was older than he is). It would take me a while to explain the situation there.

i think the main thing that I'm worried about is what other people will think of me, which I don't understand because I usually don't care. I feel as if somehow I can't do anything right. Also, I haven't yet told my parents and expect them to hit the roof when they find out...

Please don't have an abortion because you are worried what people will say.

You are an adult, if your parents can't support you, leave them alone.

Electra, I had no support although I knew if I did choose to go ahead with the pregnancy my parents would be around for me (even grudgingly)
Everyone was very grudging, nobody said 'have the baby' except for one friend who lived a long way away.
Everyone else said perhaps this is not a good idea.

In my heart I felt it was a bit late for that, I was already pregnant, who were they to tell me not to keep my child - it seemed awful.

Yet I knew it wasn't a good situation.

Two years later I've the most lovely little boy, whom I would not want to have missed iyswim. He's wonderful. His dad left us when I was 3 months, well he was being crap so I said enough, my parents did help me, and I am fine. We are a little family wth ds1 who is 4 years older.

I remember feeling that nobody would approve of me if I kept the pregnancy, that I was pretty much on my own - people whispering, I felt they were saying what a stupid fool, she's already a single mother, etc etc...but still I could not have ended the pregnancy. I just couldn't - my body was already trying to do its best and was keyed up looking after this little tiny creature and who on earth was I to put a stop to that - it seemed an awful thing to do. So I didn't do it.

You will be Ok. It's a very difficult place to be with everyone expecting you to make a decision, and nobody telling you what to do. Even though imo the thing is a fait accompli iyswim, abortion seems to be so common now that people see it as your responsibility to decide whether to have one even though you're already pregnant. Like the choice is still there to make, when actually I felt it was done.

I wished through the pregnancy I'd had a termination but now I understand why I didn't.

Horrid to be under so much pressure I know. You must do what you feel is right.
I hope you are feeling clearer today, and got some sleep.

Sorry for such a long post.

What I mean is, my head said definitely terminate, my heart wouldn't agree...I went with my heart. Whichever way you go, you'll be Ok.

electra- how much younger is he than you?

imo opinion his age is irrelevant unless hie is a child himself!

More tot he point, is he going to be around to support his child- do you want him around long term- what will you say in years to come to the child if you are on your own?

At the risk of sounding harsh, this baby is not a baby yet- it is a tiny collection of cells.

It is a potential human being.

Maybe it would help to list all the positive reasons for wanting to keep it?

electra- are you still living at your parents? Is that likely to change soon if so?

I feel for you. Your situation is so complicated. I think you can try the weighing up the options approach and writing a list of pros and cons, but if that doesn't work there's nothing wrong with going with your gut feeling and seeing how things pan out (either way).

I had one over 20 years ago when I was 22 at c.11-12 weeks. It was happened due to failed contraception. I was still at Uni and to continue with the pregnanacy was not the right thing fo rme.

The "father" knew - and had not issue with my decision. My parents were great - really supportive and helped orgnaise everything. My mum had apparently had a termination after having had my younger borther (they were due to emigrate at the time and due to politics it was improtant that they leave the country) and she told me that I didn't need to feel guilt or remorse if I didn't want to - she never had - and neither did I.

Well last night I had a conversation about this with a (male) friend. His view was "get that vile thing out of you - I honestly can't see you pining for it in a years time" Not helpful and quite insensitive.

Flight - I identify with all of what you say.

girlnextdoor - he's seven years younger than me (I'm 28 - he told me he was 25)

Jimjams - yes I am but looking to move out soon as I had been so much more stable.

If I had the child I would want to do it without the input of the father. He smokes heavily and his lifestyle doesn't fit with mine plus there are quite significant cultural differences. We definitely feel a lot for each other but I know from experience that isn't enough to make a successful relationship and my instinct is that it would end badly.

Jimjams - complicated about sums it up as I will also have to go through the whole worrying about autism thing again which adds yet another dimension.

Electra, usually I avoid these threads as I am anti-abortion, not in a religious sense but I just could never do it unless there was a 'medical' reason, then I would consider it. However, I do appreciate other views and know that for some people they feel abortion is their only option.

However, reading your posts makes me think that you are considering this because of your fear of what other people think and it is not actually the route YOU want to go down.

Your parents would cope. YOU would cope.

You say that you have mental health problems, personally I would go back to your GP and discuss your medication options seriously with him/her.

Please don't make the wrong decision, if your mental health is fragile already is it possible having a termination could worsen it?

Good luck with whatever you decide.

x

ps I am and was at the time, depressed - not on AD's but definitely not in prime mode for having a baby. However it was fine and I am a better mother for having him strange as that may sound - the pregnancy wasn't good but since he was born it's all been pretty good.

Thinking of you x

Thanks I hadn't really imagined myself having any more children. I already have two girls and felt that was enough. For myself, termination isn't something that I can really reconcile and that is the problem. Even knowing that having a baby in 9 months would complicate my life even more I'm not sure I could go through with a termination after reading the information.

My (male) friend says that I should not think about it and have the termination and not look back, that my life will be better in the future, that I won't wish I had the child. But I'm not sure that's the case. One problem I have always had is not easily being able to let things go, so it does worry me that a termination would have an effect on my mental health in that way.

ive just seen this electra

i canty think of anything to say except that is very tough and hugs

I don't think it's for you if you feel this way, electra, but good luck in what you decide.

Reading your posts, it doesn't sound like it would be right for you Electra - at least not without lots of counselling to be sure you were sure, otherwsie there could be ongoing ramifications.

You asked what other people's expereinces were, so I gave you mine. I was OK - it was the right thing for me then and I've only ever thought about it in terms of "I wasn't well and was made better" - if I even thought about it.

However, now I couldn't do it. Doesn't change the fact that I am still confortable with my decsion then, but I'm a different person in a different place. The fact that I have one child and would have liked more since then changes my persepctive.