Missed Smear test major anxiety

[Foolishpurple]

I don’t know why I’m writing this because jo one can help me and it’s my own fault
I went for a smear test today, I knew I was late for it - I thought I had been in 2019 and had a distinct memory of that one being awful but it turns out I haven’t been since 2016 which is TEN YEARS. I have severe health anxiety and had 2 very traumatic births in that time and I just didn’t want to deal with anything else down there.. I know, pathetic. I’ve then remembered that I did go in 2019 a year after my first child was born but the nurse couldn’t do it as she couldn’t get the speculum in properly… it was obviously very unpleasant and I’ve blocked it out and clearly it put me off rescheduling… then I had my 2nd in 2023 and I just didn’t really think about it as been sleep deprived and running on empty…
anyway I went today and I was horrified to hear I haven’t had one since 2016. The nurse was lovely and it did hurt but I was ok and kept the nerves under control and reminded myself I’ve been through way worse. However I bled which I don’t remember happening before so I’m worried that means something bad, I saw the swab was all red. Then when I’ve checked my notes at home after it says ‘nabothian follicle’ and ‘discharge present’ neither of which were mentioned at the time (prob cos I told her I have anxiety). I’ve seen a nabothian follicle is benign but I’ve also seen previous posters were referred for one of these and I’m worried the nurse got it wrong - I have a growth and I have never been told about it before
ove also read lots of posts since being home about people who missed their tests and had cancer. I’ve missed 3 tests/ 10
years. I’ve also developed crazy heavy periods since children that last a week - before mine were short light and infrequent - I didn’t realise this was a symptom until looking it up today
my last smear was normal but I’ve seen that that was with the old testing method that didn’t even check for
hpv
im going out of my mind with worry that I’ll leave my children motherless because I didn’t go for this test… it wasn’t even that conscious a choice I am usually over vigilant if anything I think
it was just the bad experience and my horrific births. And no one else can help me either. Everything says changes take 5-10 years to turn bad and im
kver 10 years. I can’t cope and it’s all my fault
add to this I haven’t really been well the last few years at all, lots of body pain, fatigue - doctors can’t find anything wrong except unexplained raised inflammation
Basically I am in free fall panic and I hate myself so much for missing the test and muddling my dates up
i just can’t cope
multiple posters saying so and ao
missed a test or they did and died / got cancer
i love
my children so much and I’ve let them
Down so badly

If I was fine my result would be back
Every e on here had the result in a week if it was ok esp online and in london

no one can help me
my gp has no appointments I didn’t call at 8
Even then it’s my own fault for ignoring their reminders (I can’t explain this I just seem to have blocked them out and once the receptionist called me everyone there is so nice except this one horrible man and it was him) and going against medical advice so they won’t help me I’ve brought it on myself

the post just came and nothing there either that will be it until at least a week now I would think
inkeep checking the app but nothing and now it’s too late

I cannot actually cope
i have no one to help mw
my husband doesn’t give a shit
my family all hate me
i sound awful so i would too
km here with my kids and i just can’t cope and soon k will leave them because i didn’t go for a test

And I am just posting here because I’m so pathetic and have no one I don’t deserve the nice responses either I just have nowhere else to go

You are not pathetic OP, you are struggling.

In my experience, it's when results and contact comes back quickly they are more likely to be worried. Can you call your doctors office and see if they have your results?

If you can’t access your GP then call 111 and select the mental health option. Your mental health WILL be affecting your kids and you need urgent help.

This is a good suggestion OP.

I’ve never had a result back within a week, I’ve waited more than 6 weeks in the past. But usually 2-3 weeks

@Foolishpurple I’ve never had any of my negative /clear results back in a week , in fact when I did have an issue with blood test they were on to me a couple of days later . I’ve even waited a month before I got a smear letter back, never once a week.

I wanted to let everyone know that my result just came back normal. In the absolute height of my panic.

i genuinely want to thank everyone who has taken the time to respond to me, some of your messages genuinely helped me and they all made me feel less alone. It is so so kind of you all. If you haven’t suffered with anxiety like this I know it’s very difficult to understand.

im feeling a bit numb and strange now but i do recognise i need some help. I was diagnosed with ptsd from birth 1 in my second pregnancy (this care was very unjoined up and I saw 3 different people all on zoom)), but I never had treatment for this. I then had a 2’d traumatic birth (handled much better and totally different but still was an emergency scary situation). In my more lucid moments I have had a dim realisation that I think this week has gone beyond my normal health anxiety levels and something about the physical examination, even with a lovely nurse and I was actually pretty calm and didn’t get worked up beforehand, has triggered a more visceral response. Then the whole waiting for results thing has brought up my usual health anxiety which I’ve sought treatment for before and dates back to my parent being very unwell when I was 11 right after my grandparent passed (my sibling a couple of years younger is totally fine as they don’t remember this!).
I’m also having a very stressful time with moving home, marriage etc and have been a full time parent with no childcare to my 3 year old…

this has made me realise that I do actually need to get some help. I’ve had some big anxiety episodes this year and been considering it but not worked out how to make time. The other issue is that my anxiety is very hormonally driven. I actually put myself back onto the pill to moderate this but the negative side to that is that it also effects me badly.

anyway I think I’ve posted enough deranged rubbish about myself. I just really want to thank everyone who took the time out from their own lives to reply to me with good advice and with empathy. I will be seeking help and I will also not be missing a screening test again.

thanks all

OP nothing anyone says here is going to make your anxiety better for anything other than a very short time. You need to go and get help for it properly from a doctor and you need to be medicated. You sound like you are literally losing your mind. It is a horrible for you and not fair on you or your family, especially your kids.

You need to help yourself, this is not something for others to help you with. You need to go to the doctors and get medication for your anxiety. It is the only thing that is going to change things for you.

Edited to say: I'm really glad you've realised you need to get professional help for your anxiety. Now that the worst is over please don't let yourself just drift back to thinking that it's probably not that bad. Make sure you do go and get help.

OP please read - with love and kindness from someone who previously suffered with severe health anxiety triggered by medical oversight of real problems, you are spiraling. I understand - I have been you so many times with similar issues.

The reality is, and I promise you this, you are a huge leap and jump away from there being anything to worry about from your overdue smear. Does that mean there is 0 chance of there being any kind of follow-up needed for something minor or major? No. However, it is incredibly unlikely (specifically for something that turns out to be major) and right now you are giving this 0.01% chance (making up the number but you get my point) 200% of your energy.

Your biggest issue by far just now is your anxiety. This is nothing to be ashamed of, but it's clear as day to everyone reading your messages that this should be your focus.

I now take an anti-anxiety medication and it has improved my life in ways that I can't even articulate. I can't believe now looking back that I lived my life the way I did and how much suffering I went through because of how my anxiety ruled my brain. I'm a successful professional with family and friends and interests, and I now actually enjoy all these parts of my life instead of just surviving through them terrified under the surface that I'm dying of something. (Full disclosure - I did turn out to have an autoimmune issue that had been overlooked so it wasn't at all "all in my head" like so many doctors told me, and this is now very well managed and doesn't affect me anymore).

I'm not necessarily suggesting medication is the right option for you, but I wanted to share my experience and to give you hope for the future that life doesn't have to be like this and hopefully some comfort in the meantime about the current situation.

On behalf of future you, I'm giving you a big hug just now. Please look up catastrophic thinking if you aren't already aware of it. Take yourself for a walk outside as well, if you're able.

Edit - I've just seen your update. I'm so happy you will get some relief in the short term, but this is going to happen again. Your brain will find something else to latch onto in die course. Please use this experience as a prompt to get help for your anxiety.

I resonate so much with this and I hear you. Thank you. I think even on my more normal days I’m always very anxious and I’ve just got used to it along with the chaos and sleep deprivation of little children. Now my youngest is 3 it’s coming to a head. It’s not lost on me that I finally randomly booked this smear now when they are older - it wasn’t even something I’d been worrying about or building up to I just got a text reminder and actually booked it this time?

And yes I know it will happen again. Im
Going to give myself the long weekend to regain some calm and hopefully do some nice outings and then I will seek treatment

Very happy to hear this op. I’ve had anxiety on and off like this and it’s literally torture. For me it’s a variety of factors, I’ve a great dh but absolutely zero support outside of him and raising 3 dcs it’s been full on, I and my dh have come from difficult backgrounds. When everything is on just you both as a parents with zero outside family support, it’s hard.
I’m not saying this to freak you out but actually what helped me was realising we have very little control over things and in actual fact cancer is really common now so chances are a lot of us will have to face it one day! I know that doesn’t sound helpful but it is the reality and it’s all about how we can deal with things . It is very hard though. I do think for your children you’ll need to try and get some help x

Can I DM you to ask about your experience with meds?Am on the fence about them so could definitely use some input from someone! Tia