Missed Smear test major anxiety

[Foolishpurple]

I don’t know why I’m writing this because jo one can help me and it’s my own fault
I went for a smear test today, I knew I was late for it - I thought I had been in 2019 and had a distinct memory of that one being awful but it turns out I haven’t been since 2016 which is TEN YEARS. I have severe health anxiety and had 2 very traumatic births in that time and I just didn’t want to deal with anything else down there.. I know, pathetic. I’ve then remembered that I did go in 2019 a year after my first child was born but the nurse couldn’t do it as she couldn’t get the speculum in properly… it was obviously very unpleasant and I’ve blocked it out and clearly it put me off rescheduling… then I had my 2nd in 2023 and I just didn’t really think about it as been sleep deprived and running on empty…
anyway I went today and I was horrified to hear I haven’t had one since 2016. The nurse was lovely and it did hurt but I was ok and kept the nerves under control and reminded myself I’ve been through way worse. However I bled which I don’t remember happening before so I’m worried that means something bad, I saw the swab was all red. Then when I’ve checked my notes at home after it says ‘nabothian follicle’ and ‘discharge present’ neither of which were mentioned at the time (prob cos I told her I have anxiety). I’ve seen a nabothian follicle is benign but I’ve also seen previous posters were referred for one of these and I’m worried the nurse got it wrong - I have a growth and I have never been told about it before
ove also read lots of posts since being home about people who missed their tests and had cancer. I’ve missed 3 tests/ 10
years. I’ve also developed crazy heavy periods since children that last a week - before mine were short light and infrequent - I didn’t realise this was a symptom until looking it up today
my last smear was normal but I’ve seen that that was with the old testing method that didn’t even check for
hpv
im going out of my mind with worry that I’ll leave my children motherless because I didn’t go for this test… it wasn’t even that conscious a choice I am usually over vigilant if anything I think
it was just the bad experience and my horrific births. And no one else can help me either. Everything says changes take 5-10 years to turn bad and im
kver 10 years. I can’t cope and it’s all my fault
add to this I haven’t really been well the last few years at all, lots of body pain, fatigue - doctors can’t find anything wrong except unexplained raised inflammation
Basically I am in free fall panic and I hate myself so much for missing the test and muddling my dates up
i just can’t cope
multiple posters saying so and ao
missed a test or they did and died / got cancer
i love
my children so much and I’ve let them
Down so badly

OP, I also have a health anxiety. I wrote that post fully knowing what you're going through, not because I thought 'Dear God, woman, pull yourself together'. I know all these spirals and intrusive thoughts – intimately. I have had health anxiety (to varying degrees of well-managed and unmanaged) since I was a teenager.

And I get it – I have young twin children, I work full time, I have a zillion and one things to do all the time. Managing a mental health condition takes time and space and effort that you often just do not have.

That you even booked your appointment and went is a HUGE deal. Do not underestimate that. You were shit scared, you've been shit scared for years, you've avoided it and explained it away, for years. But you went. You did it and it's over. WELL FUCKING DONE. And you should be bloody proud of yourself for doing that and you should mark it off as one huge step you have already taken in combatting the task of managing a health anxiety.

The one very, very meaningful and effective thing you can do is to stop reassurance seeking – googling, asking others etc – because that is overwhelmingly the number one behaviour in feeding the anxiety and perpetuating it. I get it – you are looking for relief in how you feel, because you can't stand feeling that way. You are looking to read something or hear something that gives you proof that you do not need to worry. Maybe you will, maybe you won't find that reassurance, but one thing is for certain – any relief you find will be very temporary, but the anxiety will grow.

When you feel the urge, do something physical – go and do the washing up, the gardening, sort out a draw of old clothes, whatever – just stop yourself looking anything up. Don't feed it. Don't even look at this thread – or instead start a new one for health anxiety strategies and support.

Smear tests aren't compulsory, OP, and there are many doctors who question whether screening is actually beneficial.
But in the unlikely event that something comes up from this test, it will be easily dealt with - a very short, simple procedure and you'll be fine (I've had this procedure myself and it's really not a big deal).
The best thing you can do for your children is to get some proper therapy to manage your excessive anxiety.

There are so many threads on mumsnet alone never mind the internet from people who missed their tests and had cancer. So many whose best friends died in their 30s leaving kids.

Now having brown on wiping and still cramping
also I have lower back pain all the time since baby 2. Didn’t know this was a thing either. So that’s another one. I’m just used to being in pain

it is very normal for mothers with young kids to catastrophise over their health sbd leaving them motherless. Yiu are not going mad and what you are feeling is very normal but in 99.9% of the cases is it just the brain playing games wuth us.

there is a very high number of false positives for cervical cancer, most positive results turn out to be false positives, only a small minority progress to full blown cancer.

cancer is increasingly curable. Every year there are strides being made in treatment even in the worst cases.

when my children where small I had heavy periods and I thought I had cancer and was about to die. I paid a fortune in private tests as couldn’t bear to wait for the nhs pathway. Turns out it was simple the start of perimenopause. 15 years later I’m still alive.

I cannot copE with this
i am
cjnvicned I have cancer and am
going to die and leave my beautiful children who don’t deserve this. I cannot cope
why have I been so stupid
everytbing I read people who missed them
have cancer
even people who were fine hpv neg last time suddenly have something bad at next test but at least they get taken care of in time
mine was ten years ago so I didn’t even get tested for hpv (and if I had I wd have been on yearly) and the visual checks had high false negative rates
ive condemned my precious children who matter more than anything to the trauma of no mum
for something totally avoidable
o cant cope

If the stories are getting to you, then here's mine for balance:

I have been late with many a Pap smear. They have always been absolutely fine.

I suggest you just go do the test and get it out of the way so you can put this behind you. Chances are you are fine. If you weren't, then it's better to go now anyway, so you can get treated. Sooner has the best possible outcome. But it's more likely you are fine.

My aunt is in her 60’s and never went to a single smear appointment and she’s fine, healthy and no issues. My friend got 2 positive hpv results, went for the colposcopy and was fine too. I think you should see someone about health anxiety, it’s awful to live this way an it isn’t fair on you.

everyone is so kind
I’ve already re referred myself for anxiety
the gp has given me a prescription also which I’m too scared to take
I think this has unfortunately just triggered a lot of bad stuff, ptsd from birth and I’m now same age as parent who had cancer
really I hate myself for being like this and for missing the test

I’ve just had more brown and red upon wiping
its now been 3 days since the test
red is fresh
evrrythingnonline says shd only be a few hours / 2 days
Clearly there is something bad there and it’s my fault

You need to go back to the GP about the anxiety. A medication you’re too scared to take won’t help.

@Foolishpurple
I too have anxiety OP.
Those who do will recognise this spiral into the abyss you are leading yourself.
A few points that could help keep you slightly more grounded.
• Your search engines online will have already registered your interest in this topic and now will be feeding you a disproportionate number of related content.
•Your brain, even at the best of times, without health anxiety, is wired to be drawn to negative events, rather than the positive outcomes in life. Your health anxiety means this is functioning multiple times over for you.
• Your fixation on the times doctors were wrong, although as someone else with health anxiety I can’t help be in agreement with you, means that you aren’t able to trust anymore.
• Your anxiety can make you feel physical symptoms , that often instantly disappear once you are satisfied that the “danger” has passed.
You end up not trusting yourself in the meantime and need help to not ignore things when they are actually real.
• GUILT is the overriding emotion here, and that’s something to consider. If you are anything like me, you will be feeling more guilty than scared. The worst thing being that your lack of thoroughness has brought this upon you.
Whereas, should you have happened to discover a hypothetical cancer in completely different circumstances then the situation would have been different and you would just have to face it. You probably wouldn’t tell a friend with a diagnosis that had she done this that or the other this wouldn’t have happened to her, so try not to say it to yourself.

It sounds like with all that’s going on for you at the moment being in control of health issues is the way you cope. I completely understand that. Just know that you cannot be perfect all the time. Sometimes you will slip up, as a person and as a parent.
You have realised that you let this particular issue slip by forgetting about it, but you have done the most difficult part now and rectified it in the best way you can, so whatever the outcome is, you can’t change it.
The best of luck Op. I too just have to let things pass, and this will pass too😘

@Foolishpurple I can't comment from an anxiety perspective. However:

I bleed when I have smear tests.
Smear test feel nippy - reteoverted uterus
At 40ish my periods got heavier - heralds peri sometimes.
I didn't have a smear test from 1999 until 2011 - fine
I had one in 2020 - fine
I have withdrawn formally from the programme because I hate them.
I'm 65 and still here.

I know when people are spiralling it doesn't help to be factual but but there are many more people like me than those you are worrying about - we just don't post on the internet/fora which tend to attract the worst case scenarios.

Step away from the internet - read the kids a story, go into the garden when they are in bed and look at the stars. They will be there tomorrow too and next year and the year after, as you will be too.

Get some therapy lined up and see a nice lady gp about your worries and anxiety. Pay if you can, if not butter up reception and find out who's kindest.

This too shall pass.

OP your lifetime risk of cervical cancer, screened or unscreened, jabbed or unjabbed, is 0.65% (CRUK). SO 99% you'll be fine. While 80% of us , men included, will have HPV at some point, 80% do not go on to develop HPV related cancers. If HPV is found, the vast majority clear it within 2 years. As to smears, if you find them distressing, consider a self test you complete at home, a swab on a stick which tests vaginal secretions for strands of HPV. Some areas are rolling this out on the NHS otherwise super drug do one for about £50. Even severe cell changes can revert to normal on their own with no treatment.
I really hate the whole narrative around smears, where we are told we are deliberately taking risks of we don't screen and the whole do it for your family line. Just my opinion, I'm not telling anyone don't go or you should go. I did my research and opted out of smears on 2015. Right decision for me.

Oh OP, I can tell how distressed you are! I also suffer with severe health anxiety. But its a recent thing ive developed in the last few years since having my youngest.
In my 20s I had several abnormal smears, cells removed and no cancer was found. I remember going to my apps and not worrying at all about it, now im a mess at the smallest thing, ache, lump or bump.
I can tell you its likely to be fine but I know that won't help. Hope you get the results quickly. Take care of yourself

Thank you to everyone for these really kind responses
they helped me for a couple of days
i dont feel like I can reply properly as I just dont have words and can’t function still and im so tired im sorry

it is now 7 days since my tests and I am still having brown/ orange on wiping. Yesterday I had a big amount on liner, not as much as a period but more than spotting
so I cant ignore this worry and put it away either plus im sure I should not be having this so long after the test I must have had something bad that got disturbed and is showing itself

everything I see on here and online negative tests were back within a week. I have nothing. This must mean I am hpv positive and it has gone to the second round of testing to be looked at. Given I haven’t had a smear for ten years and that one wasn’t ever have been tested for hpv I know it will be awful
i just can’t cope
my kids are on school holidays and I can’t manage for them
i cant cope
i feel so poorly and tired and got no sleep last night which doesn’t help as got woken at 5am
I tried to be more positive the last two days but now still not having a result and having this big browny orange bleed yest I just can’t cope
and now it’s the bank holiday so this agony is just going to continue
im so frightened every time the phone rings in case its doctor or hospital

i just cannot cope

Everything on here and online says negative tests - esp as I’m in London - were on the app wishing a few days / a week
onenperson had theirs on Friday and had it back monday
if I am
hpv positive then im
dokmed after leaving it ten years
now starting to worry that my last smear was a false negative too
It wasn’t checked for hpv
and my health has been terrible the last decade so it will def have taken hold

i cant cope and now this is going to hang over the whole long weekend too

It just feels more and more hopeless
im not strong and I cant
Cope with it if its bad
and worse ive done this for myself by not getting the test and let my kids down so badly and they’ve never known a good mum anyway as im always tired and ill and always grumpy (stuck in horrinlw
Marriage too) so the ey won’t even have good memories of me alll I will have brought them is pain even thought they are my life and I would give anything for them and give everything I have but it’s not enough because I didn’t go for a test because I didn’t compute and I can’t function like a normal person because im
always tired and in pain probably because I have cancer and my children are so lovely and don’t deserve this I love them
so much they are my whole life

Your test not being back yet doesn't mean anything other than they haven't received the result yet. There could be a delay in uploading it, or a back log at the lab. I just had a negative Pap test and it took at least a week to come back.

You should talk to a doctor about your bleeding but having that doesn't mean it is anything bad at all. If it is caused by something, it is more likely to be something benign and treatable.

Please go and do the full medical check and scan. I know it will cause anxiety but, on the other side, is not wondering, guessing and stressing about what you don't know.

I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. Health anxiety is horrible, especially when very real symptoms show up. But right now you and your children are suffering because of the anxiety and not because of the possible disease you might be facing. Maybe it helps to stop fighting the anxiety - feel all the feelings, cry on a loved ones shoulder, and go to the darkest place in your head and just let yourself go there for a bit. Your mind won't give you any rest until you get results back. You know what your worst fear is. Can you tell someone, and then take your mind through the process of what that would mean?
I am not a psychologist but sometimes it helps to let the thoughts take you to that dark place and then turn the anxiety that makes you dysfunctional into a fight attitude that you can face this, whatever is coming your way.
You are probably feeling worse now than you would with an actual diagnosis and treatment plan in place, don't you think?

Keeping my fingers crossed for you that it's just 'one of those things'(which it still more likely) and that regardless of the outcome you look into anxiety management (meds & therapy, not just one of those)

Good luck OP. Keep your head up and right face on! 💪

Oh and if the dr gave you calming meds, Please take them. At least for sleep. Not sleeping makes everything so much worse, you need to give your nervous system a break.

OP sometimes , when we are stressed or really worried about anything at all, it can affect our periods? Literally anything, like finances or the noisy neighbours next door?

@Foolishpurple Take a deep breath, you are in a state of deep panic . I’ve had very bad anxiety on and off over the years and the constant panic and seeking reassurance is just a panic and your brain misfiring. There is a very strong chance you’ll be fine , there are actually a lot of people who don’t have smear tests at all (I obviously don’t recommend this , it’s a bad idea). Heavy periods are actually really commmon post having dcs , I’ve had 3 dcs and they are so heavy I’ve had to take medication . They also get far worse with age so if you are late 30’s they’ll prob be worse. I’ve had investigations and nothing just post kids and age so chances are this is just normal biology for you .
You are catastrophing and going to the worst case scenario and chances are that everything will be absolutely fine. Could you ask your gp to maybe prescribe you something just to get through the wait and so that you can cope ? I really feel for you op but your brain is going straight to the worst case scenario and there are many more likely absolutely fine scenarios.

You need to contact your GP for urgent mental health help.