I genuinely think stress might be killing me

[HornungTheHelpful]

I am a stressy person - always have been. Worrier as a child, teen, adult. But I think it is now causing my physical health to breakdown. No particular big stress, just the ongoing low/mid level stress for 40 years. I’ve had a difficult time in my marriage recently - and I’ve ended up finding every interaction with my partner stressful, but I don’t think that is him - think it’s me making things bigger in my mind than they are.

what have I done? I do yoga and I meditate - consistently for c 3 years. I am on 150mg sertraline and 150 mg pregabalin for also c 3 years (this is to treat PMDD). I have had physical checks and blood tests. All normal. I have done therapy. I am significantly symptomatically hypermobile and am slightly overweight (need to lose 2kg to be in “healthy” weight range by BMI - I’m trying).

But I keep getting ill. In the last two years: I have had costochondritis, a chest infection I was hospitalised for, various coughs, colds and stomach bugs - lasting up to a month at a time (most recently Feb/Mar this year). I’m always knackered. I can’t lose weight. I have aches and pains frequently - though that likely relates to the hypermobility.

My vitamin D, calcium and iron are ok.

I don’t want the rest of my life to be like this. And I think I’m doing it to myself. Not sure what I want from this thread but feel like Drs can’t find anything wrong and the drugs don’t seem to impact the stress. I can’t significantly alter my life and don’t think it would help. I seem to manufacture stress whatever my circumstances.

Any help?!

I have several factors in my life that cause stress. I would not say he is the main one. Without wishing to go into too much detail the main issue of contention between us from which stress stems is something that I was largely responsible for (not unfaithfulness) but the way he has addressed it causes me additional stress. We are working on it but it’s slow progress. I could separate from him but that would cause a very complicated situation with our children (logistical complications beyond the average) which I would find stressful and he may be a greater source of stress outside the tent pissing in than inside pissing out. Added to that I love him - it comes out in favour of not separating at the moment, though we both recognise that we may do so in the future.

So I don’t think that this is a case of me prattling on about diet and yoga and ignoring the real problem - it’s a case of no really great options and dealing with the health consequences of that as best I can.

Strength training has transformed my health. You can do it at home with two dumbbells and a gym mat, you don’t get super sweaty and you feel results very quickly. It’s been good for my ability to wrangle my small DC, my immune system and my mood. Could be worth a look?

OP - I could have written your post! I feel constantly stressed, some things that have helped me are:

1. Exercise, as mentioned, although appreciate that for me its running which really helps that you say you may not be able to do
2. meditation- I know everyone bangs on about meditation but this one was a game changer for me- its the "do nothing" meditation where you literally drop all intentions to do or think anything and just do nothing. The relief this brought me was incredible- just 40 mins of doing nothing is completely restorative and it gives me a break from the constant racing go, go, go thoughts. Here: s
3. Paul Mckenna's new book on anxiety was very helpful for me too and has some great practical exercises in it- its called freedom from anxiety and get the audible version as his voice is very soothing

Absolutely exercise ...I love spin classes but hate anything high impact. I do 2 weights/strength sessions, 2 spins, pilates and 2/3 6 mile walks weekly....late 60s.
Just had a health check and no.issues/ deficiencies at all. I've had a terrible 7 months with my ds taking his own life... I knew i had to stay well to get through this. And I have.
Hope you get it sorted.

Swimming, cycling, tai chi, hiking up big hills / mountains.

walking a spaniel twice a day … 😅😂

Your situation sounds highly challenging: demanding job, 3 very young DC, relationship problems, H away a lot, live in nanny (great for childcare but am sure also challenging in some ways), presumably high financial outgoings.

Lifestyle ‘tweaks’ are unlikely to make a huge dent in all that!

I agree with the poster above, your lifestyle just sounds stressful. I realise you can’t give up your work or your kids or husband but it is a LOT. Don’t underestimate it and especially when you head into your 40s. I found that I started to change in terms of tolerance levels for stress and challenges. Things I had previously been able to cope with before became huge and difficult for no reason. Even without cycle changes at first.

I don’t have any answers as such for you but things that work for me are taking as much downtime as possible (not easy), slow exercise (I am also hypermobile but it only started to cause me problems in my 40s. Pain and injury from normal exercise and especially yoga. Be careful with yoga. Some of the repetitive flows and pose holds can be a disaster for our joints) and I saw a chiropractor and have regular sports massage and they both have helped. Pilates works well for me now (although I still do gentle yoga at home) and jogging. Try to factor in something like reflexology too. It calms the brain and body.

Your life sounds very, very stressful. I'm in my 40s and do the whole gym, weights, yoga, healthy eating, nature walks thing but much more importantly I have a low key job and also don't have kids. I can't imagine living with your level of stress for years. What can you do to cut this back? Part time work, say 4 days a week? A less high stress role? Something has to give.

Sorry to jump in on someone else's thread but I am looking for a functional health practitioner as I am struggling with a myriad of health issues and getting nowhere with the NHS. Id be very grateful if you could suggest someone, it's so difficult finding a decent functional health specialist in the UK (the US is full of them).

Op, I have no advice for you as I am in a similar position with my stress levels. Have you mentioned your age? I know you said you don't think perimenopause is playing a part in this but I became so so much worse when I hit the age of 45. I'm 52 now and things are so much worse than at 45. It's definitely worth looking into.

No problem I’ve send you a DM with two very good female practitioners

You seem adamant that making changes to your working life is not an option, and I wonder why that is? Is it that your role at work gives meaning to your life? You’ve talked about the stress killing you, and certainly affecting your health. I don’t know if you’ve considered that our stress as parents also has a big, unseen, impact on our children. As parents we have taken on a huge responsibility in having children, and their welfare needs to be our number one priority. If you are planning to do more horse riding, hot yoga etc, I wonder how you will find the time?

The other question is whether you can delegate at work? Without going into too many of my own professional details, I have had the experience of a highly stressful job, where there was no-one to delegate to as we were understaffed or at capacity in my team, and the answer was changing the ways things were organised and more people. Of course there are some jobs and points in time when stress is unavoidable professionally and then it is about the techniques you use to manage that or changing jobs/cutting hours, but I would start with whether there are aspects of the job which can be made less stressful. I am the kind of person who sees a problem and then thinks how to fix it, but that does not mean it has to be me who fixes it, even if I can, if that makes sense, and others may have better ideas than me.

Regarding your husband and separation, I think you said your husband works away a lot. Two things from my own experience

1. this means that you have a constantly shifting dynamic of when he is at home and when he is not. Even with the first rate nanny, there is a constant adjustment to how things work with one parent or two, I would have thought.
2. Are you more or less stressed when he is there? For me, it became noticeable that I was less anxious when he was not there although the marriage and its aftermath has left me prone to anxiety triggered in some situations.

The point that you both think you may separate some point in the future creates instability and uncertainty at the very heart of your day-to-day life. Sorting the issues is on hold but these are fundamental issues to your family and your own well-being in so many ways. I separated in my early forties and while this was emotionally and financially difficult, I thank God that I do not have to do it now. Rather, I have a wide expanse of space to work towards my own goals now my children are older - for a long time this did not include meeting someone else, now I would not rule it out. I am not saying that you should separate, but that what you have is a situation of uncertainty and that contributes to stress.

And what I think you are doing is adding a to-do list to fix these issues - all good things (and I particularly endorse exercise) but it’s a to-do list. And the constantly doing is both a symptom of anxiety and/or stress and a cause, and as others have said, doesn’t address the root causes. Some parts of life are inherently stressful and it’s important to carve out time for yourself where and how possible; but it’s also important to not just accept things and keep piling on more to do.

(edited for terrible grammar!)

I felt this way in 2019, it was awful. For me Covid was the point at which I felt a total breakdown had been avoided as I was able to stay at home and then I was never able to go back to work afterwards. If I had I honestly think I’d have dropped dead. I have 2 aneurysms and I had to just decide that I couldn’t risk my life .

Go to the root cause. Worrier as a child Who did you learn that from?

Is there a part of you that believes worrying will stop bad things happening and that it's necessary for you to be in control for the same reason? (I know you know that logically neither of those things are true).

I don’t want the rest of my life to be like this. You don't have to.

I was tired and stressed with work and kids and relationship struggles and kept getting ill every time I started exercising. A few weeks of Probiotics for immune system plus vit D spray seemed to bring my immunity back (Optibac Extra for the l.Paracasei ) . Then added regular exercise and I’m back on an upward spiral of health at last after years of getting nowhere. Worth a try.

I have become obsessed with spinning and I was basically a couch potato before that. It's low impact and the dopamine rush is amazing. I tried and tried with gyms for years but it just didn't work for me - I need to be in a class with a group. I hope you find something that works for you. x

I'm not far from your age and it's been as if all the mental overload from the last few years have all taken a physical turn. I had my first panic attack a few weeks ago, I've been losing my hair, my heart has been racing, not much sleep etc.
I've had anxiety and depression for many years and I'm also on 150mg sertraline and the highest dose of mirtazipine. It's shocked and scared me how this has manifested into my physical body.

I also do yoga, mediation and running. It's strange as I'd say this is the happiest I've been in many years but all of the trauma is catching up with me I think. Solidarity!

Don't underestimate the affects of being hypermobile. It's not just joint pain, it's connective tissue everywhere in your body, it causes fatigue, digestive issues, repeated soft tissue injuries. I'm early 50's and was fairly recently diagnosed but it explains a lot about issues I've had throughout my life. I also find stress difficult to deal with, and suffer from anxiety. No real answers to how to deal with it, doctors just deal with individual parts of your body when this is a whole body issue and things are often connected.

I also suffer from dizziness, which could also be a symptom. I know if I go to the doctor they will go off on finding other more obvious causes. I've been off work in holiday for a week and the dizziness has disappeared, so I believe it's stress induced. I was a SAHM for a few years and then a carer for my husband who has health issues. I went back to work as I was bored and not ready to be retired, but now I'm regretting it as its taking a toll on my health. I think i should be able to cope with working (only 24 hours a week), caring for my husband, looking after primary aged DD, doing most of the household jobs (apart from we have a cleaner 2 hrs a fortnight) and finishing our half renovated house, but its too much. Still looking for solutions myself, but probably the only solution to improve my health is to go back to being 'retired'!

Some lovely replies on here and I wish you well OP. Sounds like a lot going on for you and I hope you find some ways to alleviate the stress.

I've recently struggled with similar and couldn't find my way back to exercise. I then happened upon rebounding and invested in one. Thought it might be a whim but I found that just a few minutes of very gentle rebounding a day left me feeling so much brighter. More energised. I think the fact I'd done 'some' exercise helped me mentally. 3 minutes became 5...7...10 and then felt like I wanted to join the gym and do more.
Rebounding alone has some great health benefits related to lymphatic drainage.

Might be worth trying...

Sending healing vibes to you and dressage twat!

You are working on "getting rid of the nasty feelings of anxiety by doing self care things "
This actually sustains the anxiety as the fear of the fear becomes self sustaining.

Ideally you need to shift your comprehension to say "I accept I will get anxiety and will do the things anyway"

Ironically that is the only way to actually reduce the anxiety - by accepting its presence, and living your life anyway.

This is what I learned in the book "At last a life" by Paul David. Sounds counterintuitive but it makes total sense.

@Tummybanana

I actually agree with this! The problem with making your brain and its anxiety your enemy is that it then becomes a battle and you start getting down on yourself about it.

Instead of seeing anxiety as an attack on me, what helps me is to have compassion for myself and inwardly tell myself- "brain- I get it, its noted, you are trying to keep me safe. However, this way isnt working for me so I am trying a different route this time". Just saying neutrally "noted" to the anxious thought but essentially ignoring it (rather than becoming invested in a mental fight with it) is far easier than fighting it or making it forbidden because when you try to force yourself not to think about something, you think about it even more.

Thanks these are some more really helpful suggestions. I like the idea of rebounding and trying to “sit with” the anxiety. I’m going to look into both and do some reading - also the functional medical professionals.

I spoke to my GP yesterday who has agreed to do a referral after some bloods.

I used to feel like I had a diamond core - like if it really came to it I could do anything. Now I just feel old and tired.

But thank you for all the fab responses - and to the PP who reminded me that hypermobility isn’t just the joints. I forget that sometimes.

Thank you especially for wishes for dressage test - super worried about him at the moment.

An ADHD diagnosis then medication has significantly decreased my anxiety levels to normal human levels. Am also autistic and hypermobile. I use beta blockers as and when needed if I get a spike.