OK - no more denial - I have problems with alcohol

[FacingUpToThis]

Typing here really ashamed today - staggered home last night with 2 of the neighbours having to bring my children home after a late afternoon tea with lots of children and adults turned into a session. Had a rip roaring row with another neighbour (don't feel quite so bad about that bit as she has been bullying me for months, but worried that I can't remember most of what I said)and came in and fell over the sofa and nearly broke my nose. Can't remember big bits of the evening. My DH is being great about it and has agreed to help me, but I am so ashamed of myself for letting myself drift down this slippery slope. I have had a problem before about 8 years ago, but in the last year have gone from happy near tea totallism to this. Any support out there would be humbly received

maybe your friends are feeling the same way as they drank too much as well, you sound like a good person who has gone abit too far last night. forget about the neighbour if they are a bully then who needs them. look forward not back. good luck

All is not lost, you've obviously had a problem in the past and managed to turn your life around, so try and stay positive. You know that you can do this, but I guess you also know there are sacrifices to be made and its not an easy option. It sounds like you have great family support, so don't let the embarrassment spoil your resolve. I wish you all the very very best. xx

Thank you for your support. It is getting close to the time of day where I would pour the first glass of wine and cook the tea listening to the radio while dh baths the children. Used to be the best bit of the day - but now I guess I will have to face the fact that for a while at least that is off limits until I can stop at one. You know that advert about alcohol abuse which has the woman in the green dress - one where she is sensible and the other where she is drunk - I feel like that advert is speaking to me. I am 36 and should be past all that now, not stumbling around like a teenager on a hen night.

I admire you for realising what's happening and making the decision to change it
how did you stop before?

something very embarrassing happened to me at a work do and my boss ordered me to control my drinking or find another job - that was kind of rock bottom. The hardest thing last time was asking for soft drinks when people knew I liked a drink of wine. We pretended we were trying for children to ease the situation, and we did want to start a family, but now I need to think of something else to say which will kill the conversation rather than 'actually I think I'm an alcoholic'- we have finished having children now.

I know what you mean
I tend to just say "thanks, I don't drink", if with people who don't know that I don't. I find people just accept it - it doesn't seem that odd these days
with friends who you used to drink with, or people getting used to the idea, I said something like "I've given up" "I don't drink anymore" or just "no thanks"
if people persist I say "ah I overdid it in the past, now I feel much better" or similar - they rarely do pester you if you are very assertive and clear about it IME

but agree it can be tricky

can you avoid those situations for a while? I didn't go out to places where the focus was alcohol for ages
it is not much fun sitting sober while other people get arseholed
tbh I don't have friends who drink heavily now - I find them embarrassing and dull

You know you have taken a big big step by admitting a problem, I admire you. Can you get any rl help, maybe GP?

Admire you for facing up to it. I've been there and had to give up because my drinking had got well out of hand, been dry five years now. I've never found turning it down at social gatherings an embarrassment, so many people don't drink now or have faddy food demands that it doesn't seem strange these days. Make little of it - 'never apologise, never explain', just smile vaguely and repeat 'orange juice, thanks' and if pressed say 'I find it doesn't suit me so much these days!' or some other vague unarguable thing and move the convo on. I don't think I've ever said 'I don't drink' as that might prompt questions - I much prefer the 'tonight I'd like orange juice' approach.

I wish you all the best of luck, and truly, you will find other ways to relax and other things to look forward to at the times of day when you used to have a drink. For me it's a really nice soft drink, with ice. Brilliantly well done you for deciding to do something about it.

Thanks for keeping posting - this kind of encouragement is just what I need at the moment. I am grateful for your tips on what to say. I don't want to make a big deal of it as this neighbourhood is very gossipy. Maybe if I just lie low for a while and then when I go out say I'm on antibiotics or dieting?

yes say whatever makes you feel comfortable

have you got some ideas to help you get started with cutting down / stopping? are you an everyday drinker or a binger?

bit of both - usually a bottle of wine a night - more if I go out. I would love any ideas or help - I just assumed I would have to go cold turkey

Nice soft drinks are a very good idea: stock up on some different fruit juices as there are lots of really tasty ones now (apple & elderflower, especially if you cut it with fizzy water, is like a cocktail). @I'm on antibioticss' is a good one, and the one I used was 'My blood pressure's a bit high so I'm being careful' (when PG but didn't want to tell anyone).

well if you've been drinking quite a lot every night you would be better off cutting down more gradually, to avoid nasty physical side effects
if you have been drinking HEAVILY every day then please cut down slowly - stopping cold can be dangerous

have you thought about ringing any helplines eg Drinkline or AA for support and information? Or seeing your own gp or local drug and alcohol service? I got fantastic help on the NHS including weekly counselling.

There is also a dedicated support thread on MN for people who feel they are or are becoming dependent on alcohol. I'm sure there's be lots of support and info. there.

Good luck!

I like the blood pressure one. I haven't heard of drinkline - I will google them. Don't want to go to doctor as the nasty neighbour is a nurse there and a tremendous gossip. I don't know much about AA - only what I have heard about the steps thing.

See how well you can manage on your own first before asking for 'official' help, because sometimes the official sources can be a bit less than helpful (some people find the 12-step thing really doesn;t suit them at all).

I think they could be helpful for practical information madamez - drinkline in particular who as far as I know don't have any kind of 'philosophy' unlike AA

if the OP phones and says how much she has been drinking they could advise on how to cut down / stop safely
it really can be unpleasant, or dangerous, to stop all of a sudden, depending on your past drinking habits

you are aware there is a problem - that is great and you have a supportive dh. so many alcohlics (not saying you re an alcoholic btw!) never realise there is a problem.
if the thought of not drinking fills you with dread etc maybe going to an AA meeting could be helpful to come up with some strategies for not drinking / figuring out what the problem is. if people are pushing you to have a drink when they know you don't want to that is plain rude - would you insist a vegetarian had a steak?

i was a big drinker when younger, stopped drinking for a couple of years before having my son. Started drinking (moderately) when he was 1 and have recently stopped again as i think it does seem to effect me more than the average - demotivates me, bloats me, get hangovers v. easily and feel v. down. there are quite a few alcoholics in my family and i think i have the "gene". i love that 2nd glass of wine fuzzy feeling far too much and when drinking find it hard to envisage not drinking when socialising etc. HOWEVER once you stop and haven't drank for a little while it really is second nature. i suppose what i'm trying to say is that it is very easy & common to get into the habit of drinking too much and doing embarassing things but don't torture yourself about what you've done - it's over and you haven't lost your dh's respect.

I used to drink far too much and have cut down dramatically in the last few years. Really don't worry about people questioning your lack of enthusiasm for alcohol - I found that "I just can't do booze any more, I know the kids will wake me up at six o'clock and it's just not worth feeling that rough anymore" is generally accepted completely even by the winiest of friends. Here are more "excuses" for you to draw on if you need them:
-"no, I can't have a glass of wine, thanks, I'm driving"

-declaring that you're watching your weight is always accepted as a valid female reason for not drinking.

-If this sticks in your feminist craw, you can have the "I'm on a health kick, am going to the gym 3 times a week and cutting down on coffee and alcohol".

-Or if you don't mind being thought faddy, you can say you're doing a de-tox.

HTH. And good luck, you've cut down before, you can do it again. As towncalledmalice says, unless you are full-blown alcohol-dependent, drinking/ not drinking is really just habit. Once you break your bad habits, you'll get into good ones and you just need to bear in mind that you want to keep the good ones.

I think it's absolutely fine to use whatever excuses feel best
however just to point out that I find being quite honest about it can actually be empowering (wanky word but YKWIM)
it feels like I am saying 'I know full well I had a problem, I have dealt with it, and I am not afraid of it'
This never occurred to me until an alcohol counsellor pointed it out that it could feel better to just say "I don't drink anymore as I have had problems with alcohol"
it may work for others, I don't know - I just mention it as it has helped me feel less ashamed and more liberated

it really makes the odd person who will hassle you about not having a drink, back off, also!

Yes that's true F&Z.

I think it depends on whether you want to give up alcohol completely though, or just have a normal relationship with it. I think if you want to still drink occasionally, it would be intensely irritating to feel that every time you ordered a glass of wine with your meal, eyes were on you because you'd admitted you'd had problems with alcohol in the past.

Even five years ago, I don't think I could drink "normally". Every time I had one glass of wine, it would lead to more. Whereas now, one glass of wine really does mean one glass of wine. And I'd hate to think people were "monitoring" my intake on a night out, IYSWIM. I'd find that really disempowering.

Sorry I've just realised I've described continuing to drink alcohol as having a "normal relationship" with it. It's not necessarily, normal might mean never drinking it, of course (as it does in large areas of the world).

this is really MN at its best - I have had a curry tonight and 2 alcohol free beers which I used to drink when PG and quite like the taste of. Feels nice to be normally tired and I am really looking forward to waking up without a hangover tomorrow and not limping through the day. Thank you all for support, sharing and lack of prejudice. You are making this easier.

oh yes good point LB
I am of course just projecting what works for me onto this situation
I would love to be able to drink 'normally' (yes I do know what you mean by that of course)
I do however find now I don't drink, I have plenty of friends who also don't drink
not because they are alcoholics or religious or whatever - they just aren't interested
it is really a nice change

good luck Facing
try the support thread as mentioned earlier
there's loads of help around if you want it