Anyone find that crappy line 'being positive got my ... through cancer !'

[lilyloo]

I am sorry but bearing in mind all the people on here currently going through this and people who have lost someone to cancer on reading this in another cancer survivor story today i can't help but feel cross at it!
I find it wholly insensitive to anyone who has lost somene to cancer!

My mum didn't die because she 'wasn't' positive she had everything to live for, was only 45 and left behind a loving family who needed her, she couldn't do anything about it!

Thanks MB. I know my Mum just enjoyed everyday chat while she could. Saying 'this si so unfair' upset her alot, but some said it was important that she let out a bit of emotion and I'm glad we all did have a good cry together a few times instead of just pretending everything was hunky dory.
Makes me really sad now to think of Mum's humour, cracking us up when she was so ill.
Thanks for this thread.

at MBs 'cake story'. We did that one too! My cousins also joked about who would get front seat of the car (you should have seen some of the shocked faces at that one). But it's part of dealing with it and recognising that life for everyone else will rumble on.

And yes, that thread about negative vibes causing terminal diseases was absurd.

I find this very hard too. My aunt died aged 52 of cancer. And my Mum died 4 years ago of breast cancer.

I think some people are OK to talk about their 'battle' with cancer - Mum certainly was, up to a certain extent - and for some it gives them a sense of purpose or hope - it is just their way of coping. However it's awful when people don't listen to what you're telling them and don't HEAR the facts.

Please don't be too harsh on people when they are clumsy or awkward though. You don't always know what is happening behind the scenes.
I have a neighbour who is sadly going through the same thing with her Mum having being diagnosed with cancer recently, and being given only up to a year to live. Because this neighbour knows I went through it with Mum she wants to talk to me about it all the time; all about the chemo, her Mum's emotions, how to talk to the children etc.

I have tried to help/ listen and be there for her, but it is beginning to affect me too. I feel that I have only just begun to come to terms with Mum's death, and have 'worked through' all the anguish (is there anything I could have done?), the guilt (I wish I'd spent more time with her before she was ill, and told her things I never had the chance to) and the pain and grief. But I came inside after seeing this neighbour the other day and cried and cried, because talking to her had made it all so raw for me again.

I am so sorry for everyone having to deal with this though. I too had problems - my brother was in complete denial - he was talking about needing to get a wheelchair to take Mum out - this at a time when Mum was on a morphine drip - she died 2 days later .

We have a family friend dying of cancer at the moment. He said that this attitude makes things SO much harder.

It's so insensitive. It's like people who go on TV and say that God didn't want them to die in the plane crash/car accident/terrorist attack. It leaves the rest of us who have lost someone dear to an event like that thinking right, well exactly what sort of arsewipe is your God if he wanted MY loved one to die trapped in a flaming skyscraper?

This makes me furious too. My sister died of cancer at 23 and my mother has cancer now. As far as I can see, cancer is not something you 'fight'; it's something you suffer. My mother's oncologist told her that in his experience attitude made no difference to outcome. My mother also gets very angry because her gp keeps offering her anti-depressants. She feels that she has a right to feel upset and angry - that it shouldn't be ignored or cured.

bridie3 - regarding your comment:

'The problem is that people in our society (and the American one--which is where a lot of our cultural references now come from) have almost grown up to believe that there is something unnatural about death and dying.'

I think you've got a good point, but imo, there's more to it. People (and possibly this comes from the American culture) firstly can't believe that with all the advances in science/medicine, there comes a point where nothing more can be done. They hope/expect/pray that there will be one of those uplifting 'miracle cure' stories (whether through traditional medicine, alternative therapy or plain old God's intervention) - and want real life to have a happy ending, just like in the Hollywood movies.

I also think that our society doesn't want to/doesn't know how (or take time) to feel sad and grieve (remember when widows would wear black and grieve for - what - a year minimum?). Thankfully we've got relatively easy access to anti-depressants these days to help those with chemical imbalances, etc., but some take them because they don't want to/don't know how to manage or feel life's low points. After all, we're supposed to feel good almost all the time - right?

Yes--you're right. Life is SUPPOSED to be painless and happy all the time now, isn't it? It's as though we're entitled to our money back if we suffer.

It's sometimes hard to get your head around the idea that bad things can happen to good people FOR NO PARTICULAR REASON. They just...happen.

My mother is currently (luckily) still in remission from "termianl" bladder cancer. We made a big joke out of the "being positive will help you fight the cancer" comments - "Good chemo, BAD CANCER" was our mantra during her chemo. And when she was being sick afterwards, my sister and I would wind her up by chanting it (I know I know it sounds sick but it worked for her!).

So many people say to her - that she "beat" cancer becasue she was so positive. She hasn;t beaten it, there are probably battles to come and she "beat" it this time becasue of the valiant efforts of the Royal Marsden (Hurrah) - implying otherwise, not only does a dis-service to those who struglled and lost but also the professionals who fight day in day out to squeeze every last bit iof life out of people for as long as they can take the treatment.

Amen expat - "Also included in this are people who tell infertile couples that if they relax the woman will fall pregnant, or if they give up trying/adopt the woman will also fall pregnant" - if I had a fertile egg for everytime someone had told me this I'd have a football team by now!

I have only read the original post but my friend (who also died to cancer) used to get really upset at stories about people being positive killed the cancer. She felt she wasnt beating it because she wasnt positive/trying hard enough etc etc

This thread is spot on. Thank you for starting it.

I am in the situation where my brother (24) has an incurable cancer. He is going through chemotherapy, radiotherapy and soon stem cell treatment, all to give him more time, but the doctors have all said that this is something he will live with and die from. As a family, we have accepted this, and now try and spend as much time together, doing things that we love.

But, if I say this to anyone else, especially ILs they give me a Look and launch into 'but science nowadays is so advanced etc. etc.' Yes... but...

I don't know what to think about being brave. In my opinion my brother is being brave, or stoic, or something similar. I accept that probably on the inside, and with his girlfriend, he has moments of sheer dispair. But, his attitude so far has been to carry on with life as normally as he can. And I applaud that, and wonder if I would be able to do the same in a similar situation. Who knows.

Prayer is the other thing that bugs me. Certain people I know seem to think that their prayers have put people into remission from cancer. Which leaves me wondering if their god only likes to cure people that other people are praying for?

Rosa - my mum says that the porblem with thsoe who offer to pray for her is that they're not praying for a cure - they're praying for god to give her the stregth to endure whatever god has in store for her. I think she'd have preferred the omnipotent cure idea!

I am in that someone could even suggest being 'negative' can cause cancer !

at ruby's kylie comment.