Feeling hopeless about reducing stress/anxiety - causing health issues

[Godfreydahling]

I have multiple health issues that are being investigated, looking mainly at autoimmune causes or stress. I also have erosive duodenitis and have been in constant pain with it for 6 months despite doing all the lifestyle changes and taking meds. The two consultants I've seen (gastro and rheumatology) both say I need to reduce my stress and anxiety levels for the sake of my health. But the anxiety comes from the various health issues I have and also stress from life things.

I've tried exercise, yoga, therapy, CBT, trauma therapy and EDMR, hypnosis, relaxation and breathing exercises, have a healthy diet, no caffeine, no alcohol, am slim etc. I take a few different supplements including ashwaganda which I think helps a little. Am on beta blockers for tachycardia.

I work from home. It is a bit stressful as my manager is hopeless and I end up doing his job but on the whole it's not too bad. DD has just gone to uni and I've been a bit depressed and missing her so that hasn't helped. DH is mainly supportive but gets frustrated with me when I'm anxious as he doesn't know how to "fix" me and I don't want to moan about my health issues to him all the time so I just keep it all to myself and feel lonely and overwhelmed. I have friends but they're all quite busy, as am I, and I find some of them can be draining rather than supportive!

Basically, I'm asking what can I do to reduce stress and anxiety that I haven't already tried. I can't take anxiety meds because of my health issues. I don't know if taking time off work would help. Even the thought of going on holiday somewhere warm for a month doesn't feel like it would help because I would still be taking my health issues and anxiety about them along with me! And sadness about missing DD.

I just feel hopeless that I'm ever going to feel better. It's a vicious cycle of stress and anxiety making my health worse and then this causes more stress and anxiety. I'm despairing of ever feeling better.

Laughter is the best medicine.

What makes you properly laugh?

OP what makes you think you can’t take psychotropic meds to help with your anxiety? There are heaps of different types. Xx

Are you burnt out at work? It sounds like you might be downplaying it.

Time off to focus on YOU might be helpful.

It can be very hard when your DC leave. I've found it hard too . I'd look at having some more counselling and if you need to have something medication wise then there must be something you can take - I'd go back to GP / consultant to discuss .

I like watching silly cat videos on instagram. Sounds a bit sad really doesn't it?!

I can't take SSRIs or SNRIs due to erosive duodenitis. My GP seemed to think these are the only otherwise appropriate medication for me. I know they don't like to prescribe benzodiazapams.

I'm not sure. I like my work but my manager is awful and does cause me stress. But I find that work occupies my anxious mind and not sure if I would feel a bit aimless without it. I only work 3 days a week so do have some time for me on the other days.

I appreciate this but feel like I'm done with counselling. I've had a fair amount over the years and just don't feel like going over everything multiple times is that helpful. I found the EDMR and trauma therapy much more helpful (pretty sure I have CPTSD) but it only really took the edge off.

Nothing seems to help much because I'm dealing with real health and life issues. I've also had cancer in the past so there's always a fear of it coming back and that makes every new health issue a worry. It doesn't help that doctors have missed a lot of things and I've had to push for various diagnoses - including the cancer which took 6 months of repeat visits for them to diagnose as my symptoms weren't typical.

I guess I just feel that after a few years of so many things going wrong one after another I'm always expecting the next bad thing to happen. So on top of dealing with real health issues I'm always expecting and worrying about the next one. My DC have also had a few (unrelated) health issues and that has also caused a lot of anxiety. I'm just exhausted and overwhelmed by life and scared of what it's going to throw at me next.

It sounds like you might benefit from some counselling. But also you've been in pain for 6months for an illness that is still being investigated - don't be too hard on yourself I think being anxious, overwhelmed, lonely in your thoughts with it all isn't too out of the norm! It's very easy to say reduce your stress but not as easy in reality.
There's also some cause to revisit things and say if you've tried all these things with no benefit is it actually stress that's contributing so highly to your medical conditions or is there something either diagnosis or treatment wise that isn't quite working?
I think all too often (&esp in women which is not just opinion but fact esp regarding pain) we are not investigated or treated optimally, our pain isn't taken as seriously and treated as well as with males.

What I'm saying is it might not be something you are not doing, it might be something they haven't managed optimally. That being said all the things you are doing are not going to make things worse and sound beneficial.

You've talked about things that other people recommend for stress/anxiety but not said much about what gives you joy. Do you have any passions or interests? Do you do any fun things? The way you describe your life sounds like you are enduring rather than enjoying it. Remove things/people that make you anxious/miserable and spend time with the people/activities that give you joy.

It may not cure anything but it will make it feel better.

The list of things you’ve tried sounds a bit like ‘things you’ve done’.

I think you may need a change of attitude rather than another treatment regime.

Have you thought about being kind to yourself? As in, treating yourself as though you are a special, precious person (which you are) who needs to be cherished. I ‘reparented’ myself. Treated myself as a toddler- regular sleep schedule, food, naps, treats. Spoiling myself with a posh candle/hand cream whatever.

I stopped beating myself up for being broken, lazy, unfit, undisciplined, bad at yoga etc and started being nice to myself.
If I can’t be bothered to do something, I reframe it as conserving my energy for other things. If I comfort eat, I congratulate myself on self care, having identified a need and sought to self soothe.

It’s a refreshing change and I’m much less anxious now I’ve stopped berating myself for failing at being superwoman.

Thanks. I know I am hard on myself. I blame myself for being stressed and anxious and that I have somehow caused myself at least some of the health issues because of this. But on the other hand I have also had so many bad things happen to me I would challenge anyone not to feel stressed or anxious in my situation! I do find self-compassion hard. I think because I haven't experienced a lot of sympathy in my life. My parents were/are emotionally distant and as I said DH finds it frustrating that he can't "fix" me.

We're still trying to find an underlying cause so it's not 100% certain my health issues are caused by stress. Autoimmune things are really hard to diagnose. I'm seeing a specialist in 6 weeks. Also waiting on a coeliac biopsy result which I'm kind of hoping is positive as it would at least give an explanation for a lot of my symptoms and mean I can actually so something about it by avoiding gluten.

But I do feel constantly stressed and anxious so I know that even if that's not the entire cause it's definitely not helping my symptoms.

This hits home. I feel like I have lost my joy in life due to these health issues. They can be all-consuming. I like doing yoga, going for walks, reading, cooking etc but other than yoga do them on my own. My best friend ghosted me during Covid and I used to spend a lot of time with DD but she's at uni now (although home for Christmas). I don't feel I have friends that I massively click with or have a lot of fun with. There are friends I meet for coffee or go for a walk with but I wouldn't describe the experience as particularly joyful. I don't know how to find that joy any more. I think I'm probably mildly depressed as well and have low motivation to do things.

Regardless of any underlying health issues, it’s well worth learning to be nice to yourself! It’s a huge shift in outlook and I can’t tell you how much better life is as a result. It’s saves masses of energy and brain power.

A therapist told me that my memory was fine, and that I just wasn’t paying attention because I was so busy beating myself up over my own failings. My brain was busy punishing me instead of doing useful stuff like remembering things.

You may get a diagnosis and have a manageable condition. It will still be better with good self care!

I do try but really struggle with this. I find it hard to stand up for myself at work so end up with my manager taking advantage of my good nature and then I end up overworking. I have had to rest quite a lot recently and end up watching a lot of TV which I do enjoy but sometimes I think it's too much. Food is a bit of an issue because of the duodenitis, I can't have alcohol, coffee, chocolate, gluten anything acidic or citrus etc. It makes it hard to treat myself! But I have been nipping out to the local M&S and buying nice salads for my lunch instead of making something.

I think I'm also wary of self-compassion crossing the line into victim mode/complaining/woe is me attitude. I know there's a healthy balance to be had there but I definitely haven't achieved it yet. It doesn't help that no one shows me sympathy. I feel like I'm just expected to get on with things without complaining. Constant health issues are really boring.

Came by to see what people suggested (as my username suggests I was getting terrible panic attacks mid year). I'm on propranolol which helps some of the physical symptoms but I still feel the anxiety. I have had my cortisol levels checked - which seems to be high end of average, cut down on anything stressful like travel/deadlines/meet ups I don't really want to do. I'm meant to be on a list for more therapy but that's been nearly a year waiting... I realised crying helps get rid of cortisol (never been good at crying so am trying to do that more, which sounds weird!). I also discovered singing really lifts me and gives me a buzz that feels like the adrenaline from anxiety but with a more energised warmth than jittery mess result. Am joining a choir in the NY. Hot baths, long walks with an audiobook and dark chocolate (or dark chocolate ginger florentines if you've a waitrose near you!) also keep me sane. Good luck!

But that’s the thing. No other fucker is looking after you, cherishing you. You must prioritise it yourself.

DH means well but is clueless. So I do for myself all the stuff I wish someone else would do for me. It’s not the same as a fit hunk telling me to ‘drink this wine while I run you a bath darling, you deserve to relax’- but it’s the best I’ll get so I’ll take it!

Nurture your inner child, the way your parents never did.

Thanks for this, made me cry. I will try!

Ask if you can take Amitriptyline.
Btw, duodenitis is most often caused by the bacteria H. Pylori, so you should be on antibiotics. It won't resolve until the bacteria is gone.

I don't think amitriptyline is an anti-anxiety med though?

I tested positive for h pylori 6 months ago and had the antibiotics. Tested negative in recent gastroscopy. Consultant said should have healed by now if that was the cause which is why he thinks it's either coeliac or stress causing it. I've been on PPIs for 6 months and now on H2 blockers.

Just went back and saw you might have an autoimmune...have you had your thyroid checked? Might be worth asking if not as both hypo and hyperthyroidism can cause depression and anxiety respectively.

Ami can help anxiety. It's often prescribed off label for it.
Info here;
www.forhers.com/blog/amitriptyline-anxiety

Yes all thyroid levels are normal. I have raised thyroid peroxidase antibodies though, which is another indication of an autoimmune issue.

But all other autoimmune blood tests were normal. Apparently blood tests aren't very accurate in diagnosing autoimmune issues though. One that I have a lot of symptoms for is Sjogrens and only 70% of people with that have positive autoimmune blood tests. But I don't have one of the main symptoms of dry mouth, even though I have lots of the others.

This all sounds very painful OP. I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds like a multi-pronged approach might be a good step forward . Starting with changing to a gluten free diet for a couple of weeks as a reset. Maybe something like meat/fish and vegetables to give your digestive system a rest.

Do you ever have massages/reflexology? That helps me when I feel stressed. Singing/gargling/humming daily are all good for calming your nervous system - you sound like you're stuck in fight/flight/freeze/fawn and it's impossible to enjoy things when you that feel like that. Dancing is also really good for the nervous system, as can playing a repetitious game like Tetris. Also buy a weighted blanket and snuggle up under it with soft cushions and calming music.

Maybe join a ramblers or Meet Up walking group so you have people to go with. Find better friends. Friends shouldn't drain you, they should enhance your life. I wonder if you're a people pleaser. They can often feel drained trying to make everyone else happy. Tell your husband what you need from him and make sure he does it!

Do regular journalling to offload about your health issues. Go and see a compassion focussed therapist. Speak to a few before choosing someone you feel really comfortable with.

Make a plan for putting things in motion and put in place things that you love and/or will make a difference. I have been you and it can be so very much better. You deserve this.