What is wrong with me?

[SnappyClappy]

Sorry this is long. I’ve name changed as I may start telling people in real life about it and don’t want it linked to my other posts if they recognise it.

I have had a lot of symptoms for a long time, and they appear to be getting worse. Does anyone recognise what they might be? I don’t want to go to the GP yet as in all honestly, I don’t know how to explain it all without sounding crazy, but I’m starting to wonder if that’s what it actually is, and it scares me.

I have seen things that aren’t there. Not frequently, every few months or so. Spiders, a lizard, a boy. I see them, freak out and tell whoever I’m with, then they vanish.

My emotions are erratic. I used to be a calm person and now I’m angry a lot. I can swing from happy, to tears, to anger in the space of a few hours.

I used to have a lot of empathy and cared deeply for others and now I feel like I hate everyone, and care very little. I’ve gone from being warm to being cold.

I am very impulsive. I have thrown away things that I loved for silly reasons. I spend money on a whim that often we can’t afford.

I think I maybe paranoid, but at the same time I wonder if I’m right to think the things I do about people. I used to be trusting to the point of naivety, but now I can’t trust anyone, but I’ve been abused a lot in my life so it’s partly warranted.

I think I see people following me and talking about me, but the person I’m with often doesn’t see it.

If an object in my home is playing on my mind, it vanishes without trace overnight. We literally never find the object again. Obviously it doesn’t happen with large objects. It’s just small items and clothing. This is the thing that worries me the most.

I also wake up in the night thinking that I’ve heard someone walking around - nobody else hears it and nobody else remembers me waking them up in the night when we wake the next morning. I don’t know if I’m having very vivid dreams or whether they are so asleep that they are forgetting I woke them up. But it feels real.

I also sometimes wake up in the night screaming not knowing where I am (not very often).

I sometimes forget things and find myself playing along with conversations. Sometimes my family are talking about something that happened the day before and I have no memory of it at all.
I have to write lists or I forget things. I have to write down all of my cooking timings or I forget. I remember things and then as my family are talking about it I realise I’ve remembered it all wrong. I was the opposite before, I was the one who remembered everything in great detail. I cover it up using lists to prompt me, but it scares me.

I used to be really good at remembering faces, but I often find myself being spoken to by name and not knowing who it is (this only happens occasionally with people I haven’t seen in a while).

I often read words wrong and sit there for a while trying to make sense of what I’ve read until the penny drops and I realise I’m reading the word wrong. I also forget the words for things sometimes.

I’ve lost my sense of direction. Eg. If I am In A waiting room in a building and if I then get sent to a different room, I can’t find my way back again. I can never find exits in buildings even if I entered through them. It’s becoming a running joke with my family (I was a little bit like this before, but not this bad).

I have some numbness and tingling in various areas and stomach issues.

I have an unrelated autoimmune illness.

I’m mid 40s, regular periods, no other obvious signs of perimenopause.

I have had a lot of trauma and abuse in my life. I haven’t had a very happy life.

These changes have been gradual over time. I function fine, most people wouldn’t know this is happening because I cover it well, usually with a joke and my back-up lists and pretending to remember when I don’t.

Anyone got any ideas?

Sorry no idea, but wanted to send hugs as this sounds awful.

There are a number of things this could be.
I would recommend that you see a GP and talk to them as they will be able to refer you on to a mental health specialist who will
Be able to tell you and also help you.

You really need to see a doctor and get a blood test to find out if there's something physical going on.

Definitely go and see your GP.

Sooner the better so that you receive the correct care.

Go and see your GP but I would ask for a B12 test and check your thyroid function

@LightSpeeds I’ve had a lot of blood tests due to my autoimmune illness. They check lots of things a lot.
I just haven’t had the courage to say anything about what I’ve just written, so they don’t know these symptoms.

I’ve had both of these done recently due to physical symptoms, and both were normal.

I presume the bloods also checked for diabetes? Don't be surprised at perimenopause, I had regular 28 day periods, and one day they just stopped, so I had been perimenopausal for years. I'm now on HRT. Sounds shitty, OP.

If I were you, I would absolutely go to a private peri-menopause/menopause clinic. Peri can cause huge issues with anxiety, sleep, memory, brain fog, intestinal/digestive problems, the list goes on.

@Naughty1205 I don’t know if I’ve been checked for diabetes.

Do you think it could be perimenopause? It’s what puts me off going to the doctor. I’m worried they will just think I’m being dramatic and some of it’s just normal for my age. But at the same time I don’t know anyone with my symptoms. But then, nobody I know talks about their perimenopause symptoms.

You really need a mental health assessment, if you're having regular blood tests and they're all clear.

Please visit your doctor.

Why don’t you write down like you have here to give to your doctor rather than try and say it to him and he can then ask the questions he needs to

I would say the first thing you need is a proper physical check up and a brain MRI.

Once you have ruled out physical causes, you can go down the mental health route, but some of those symptoms sound quite severe.

I would print out this post and give it to your GP and ask for a neurological referral.

People don't realise the extent of the symptoms of perimenopause. Myself included. I've been reading up a lot this last year. There are some of the most bizarre symptoms like dry eyes and itchy hands (have both). Honestly, I would never have believed it.
Have a read of this list here. It's a very good website. It doesn't matter if it's normal for your age and all women go through it. No one should have to put up with these symptoms, and a good GP will be clued in and sympathetic.
I had regular periods my whole life, yet couldn't conceive naturally either. I went to GP at 44 as I was feeling full of rage and just not myself. Not in a 'hot flush' way, more random things that I'd never had before.
I think it would be worth going to a good G.P. who is well up on the perimenopause and menopause. You might be surprised.

Please go to GP asap

Apologies this is the link:

thebettermenopause.com/blogs/the-better-gut-community/perimenopause-symptom-checker?tw_source=google&tw_adid=694750585091&tw_campaign=21130773491&gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAjw3P-2BhAEEiwA3yPhwCQd1OdliZ8a_JMG-x3TTt5pf6ztHFYM-8pjb6n4vloEkIbzysbaVxoCJ2AQAvD_BwE

I'm sorry you're going through this, it sounds very scary.

I think you should ask for a mental health assessment.

I'd want to know if there's something physically going on in the brain, e.g.a tumour.

Some of the symptoms that you mentioned could indicate a dissociative disorder - forgetting chunks of time, sudden mood shifts, possibly you throwing away objects and then forgetting afterwards. Dissociative disorders are caused by childhood trauma, and are treatable with the right therapy.

But the delusions (seeing things) and paranoia sound more typical of schizophrenia.

Either way, I would seek out medical advice, and also do your own research alongside that. It's likely that once you get to the right diagnosis there will be treatments you could try.

Seeing things that aren't there, getting lost in familiar places and having difficulty distinguishing dreams from reality are not symptoms of perimenopause.

I'm very sorry that you're experiencing this and it sounds very debilitating and frightening, but these issues need to be addressed by a qualified medical person.

Printout your post and show it to your GP. You've done a good job describing your symptoms.

Seeing things that aren't there, getting lost in familiar places and having difficulty distinguishing dreams from reality are not symptoms of perimenopause.

That's just not true. Obviously, it is not common, but peri-menopause can lead to psychosis and schizophrenia due to hormonal fluctuations/loss. Going to a private clinic to see specialists is a prudent thing to do.

@LightSpeeds Im high functioning outside of the symptoms IYSWIM. It’s been going on quite a long time and I’ve adapted my behaviours around it with the lists etc.
Nobody seems to notice really, but I try not to draw attention to how I’m feeling. I think my family think I’ve become a bit ditsy, but that’s all. Would they take me seriously for a mental health assessment when I seem ok?

@Happyher This is where my paranoia comes in a bit. I would worry my doctor had seen this and will think I’m not the OP and am just repeating this (even though I know logically nobody would gain anything from parroting it!) This is what my thinking has become like. I wasn’t like this. I feel like I’m sat in a goldfish bowl and everyone is watching me with a nasty motive.

@Naughty1205 I have dry eyes too, so I suppose it could be a possibility. It would be the better option.

@ManchesterGirl2 i’ve considered brain tumour. I don’t get headaches though, but I do have dizzy spells and strange out of my body feelings. I hope it’s not that. I’m not sure they would check for that though because this would be the first time I would be telling them my symptoms.

@ManchesterGirl2 and I forgot to address the bit you said about dissociative disorder caused by childhood trauma - that could definitely be an option because I had an abusive childhood.

@Aquamarine1029 I haven’t clicked on your link yet - but perimenopause can cause psychosis?? - I didn’t know that. That makes it a stronger possibility. It would be my luck that I would have one of the worst versions of perimenopause! Nothing about my life has been straightforward.

Is your eyesight OK?

www.macularsociety.org/macular-disease/macular-conditions/charles-bonnet-syndrome/

This is the thing, I’ve got something up with one off my eyes. I can see fine, but one of my eyes looks a bit strange.
And now I’ve taken my own breath away writing that, because I realise how stupid I’ve been ignoring all of this and hoping it would go away.
I did see an optician when my eye first looked odd (end of last year), and my eye looked fine inside then when they checked it, but I haven’t gone back.
I should change my title to handhold needed because now I’m crying.

Big hug, you have incredible insight and you describe what you’re going through very clearly. You’ve made the first step in talking to us, can you make a GP appt and talk it through with them?

@WorriedMillie Im really scared and at the same time I feel stupid. I’m worried they won’t listen and I’m also worried they will listen, which doesn’t even make sense.