A question for those of you who are children of an alcoholic/alcoholics about your attitude to drinking and that of your siblings......

[foxinsocks]

It's a bit nosy really but have found myself wondering about this recently and realised mumsnet wasn't a bad place to ask given how many children of alcoholics there seem to be!

So, I have 2 'official' younger siblings (both sisters) and 2 younger cousins who, for all intensive purposes, are brothers as we were brought up together over many years. I am the eldest of the lot and our age ranges from 28 to 35.

1 sibling is a complete tee total as is her dh. 1 is already an alcoholic. 1 is going down the route towards possibly becoming one but is still fairly far off (more a mental illness issue I reckon). 1 is quite a heavy social drinker, more so than me I think (otherwise, we are quite similar in our attitudes), but not at alcoholic level and I think unlikely to go that way.

I drink when I feel like it, certainly not as much as I drank as a student (when I really hit it hard). I have no problem with drinking, don't think I have an addictive personality and don't drink that much anyway but have noticed that I have more of a problem (too strong a word) with dh drinking a lot of wine (nothing else like beer or spirits) as this is what is mainly abused by the alcoholics in my family.

So how has it worked out in your family ?

2 sisters, all of us drink regularly(every night) but not vast quantities.
Mum was very similar to this but increased a lot with her depressions.
I chose to marry a teetotaller, and both sisters are with men who drink very little.
Maybe this is was subconcious to prevent codependant drinking and drunken rows??

My grandfather was a alcoholic (gran kept it v well hidden) and I do think that our genes give us a propensity to addiction...

My brother has had his troubles and in light of all of this I am very anti drink ...

it's interesting isn't it didindan? I wonder if you factored that into your whole 'appraisal' of him when you met?

Mother alcoholic (recovering?) as was her father. As was my aunt (now dead).

I didn't touch a drop of drink till I was 19 then drank a little through uni but never to the point of not remembering etc. I stopped drinking when pregnant then never started again (due to medication but now just don't). It's not that I'm actively avoiding it, maybe subconsciously, but it isn't something I even think much about. I don't mind DH drinking but I can't abide the smell of whiskey on him (his favourite tipple) as it reminds me of my mum. I have positively addressed my childhood through counselling and time though so maybe that is a factor to consider - I would say I was at peace/ease over it now.

My sister... I'm not sure. Her personality is v similar to my mum's and in the past I have certainly worried about history repeating itself. Currently she seems fine but I always have a niggling worry that if life circumstances deal her a bad hand then it would be the "easy" route for her... afterall the genetics are there already so it's a harder fight to fight.

Hmm yes, I suppose I am mindful but not actively mindful. It 'twigs' in my brain when I see dh drinking wine but that's it (and he drinks beer and spirits too and that doesn't bother me). Weirdly, I prefer beer to wine and I now wonder whether that's a subconscious thing too.

Both parents heavy drinkers - suspect alcoholism with both. I'm a take it or leave it sort - I was a big drinker in my yoof, barely drink at all now [saddo]

In the wider family, I have one uncle who drinks a good bit, grandparents didn't drink much at all. Next generation (mine) no mega drinkers that I know of.

THere's a genetic link to alcoholism, I think. Not sure how much is theory and how much is proven.

I think you hit the nail on the head with saying you don't think you have an addictive personality - mn excepted, of course I suspect it's as much down to personality as upbringing, personally. I have a friend whose family has many alcoholic - about half of them, I reckon

I have name changed for this.

My mother was the drinker, she died of alcoholic poisoning and liver failure.

My siblings that are still alive (one half one full) are both complete addicts and wasters, the half brother a sociopathic violent heroin addict (narcissitic personality disorder?)who has been in and out of prison all his life, blames our Mother for all his problems and thinks the world owes him a living.

Full brother is a dope smoking dole claiming waster who has no good excuse for not working in the last 18 years (he is 38) thinks he has had a hard life, blames Mother and the world owes him a living.

I, however, had a great job, excellent qualifications and a stable relationship with my virtually teetotal DH. I also rarely drink, high days and holiday = 1-3 glasses of wine. I drank quite a bit when I was a student, less when I was working - although had to entertain lots. The last time I had too much to drink was over 3 years ago.

my dad was until just over year ago alcoholic(hurrah-am very very proud)
1 of 4
we all drink but not exsessivly-occasional binge.but i will not drink around my dad-shame his dw doesnt feel same way.also i will not drink in front of my children.on holiday recently i had one half of lager and was first time theyd ever seen me drink and i was very uncomfortable.cant help it!

yes, if you go up through our family, it is incredibly scary. It runs through both sides unfortunately. And the type where they drink themselves to death eventually (although all the alcoholics in our family seem to have INCREDIBLE staying power. I've been told my mum has 6 months to live every single year for the last 20 years but she still carries on going. I think her liver must be well and truly pickled by now!).

you're no saddo oh trolley one

and weegle, I know what you mean about 'seeing' which siblings have the capacity to go down that route

scarysiblings - well done you for breaking the mould! Does it make you feel strange, feeling like you are the only sane one (because I sometimes feel that way)?

Cheese - how amazing of your dad.

I must get back to work but will read the thread tonight.

Thanks for contributing to it though...it does make for interesting reading.

i know-touch wood it will continue.its odd though-like having a new dad!hes not the dad i knew and grew up with.

Thank you fox, yes I amazed to be as sana as I am given the circs.

I actually put it down to being closer to my Father, spending some time at bording school (yes we were a well off middle class family) and being 'taken under the wing' of several families - some of my school chums parents, I think realising how bad things were at home, took me on hols with them, had me to stay for weekends, helped me out, gave me advice etc It was helpful to me to see 'normal' families.

I am adamant I will be a better parent than my mother, I am what I am despite her and because of her. iyswim.

My late father as an alcoholic. My brother and I are 39 and 42 respectively. My brother is a moderate drinker, as am I. I normally have weeks when I drink nothing but tea, and others when I might have a couple of glasses of wine or a couple of beers at home. I normally drive when we go out, as alcohol doesn't bother me.

Both my brother and I are very wary around alcohol and can take or leave it. I'd rather hit the chocolate than the bottle personally.

What fascinated me about my Dad was that when he was sent home from Gib by the RN to do the drying out course, he still clung to the belief that he was an 'alchohol abuser' not an alcoholic. What does that make a glue sniffer or a crack addict then?

Both parents were, and both died of it. I drank like a fish when a teenager but now it's just a couple of glasses a night at weekends. Both siblings exactly the same. None of us can stand the smell of whisky without wanting to chuck up. I think that not drinking at all because your parents abused it is allowing alcohol to control you too, but in a different way. Has anyone been able to talk to their friends about their parents alcoholism? I find it difficult.

My mum is an alcoholic (in denial), her faher also. My whole family are big drinkers, I am the odd one out (eldest of 4 girls)teetotal, but went through the usual binge drinking in my late teens.

Interesting point Mrs D - but I'd say I was in control of the alcohol being able to take or leave it, rather than it controlling me. I'm happier with a big mug of sweet tea than with a glass of wine the majority of the time, and much happier with a bar of decent chocolate.

My in-laws drink quite a lot, wine each night, and as a Naval family on both sides alcohol is part of the culture, or used to be. I don't need it, unlike my Dad, I can get through my day without recourse to the gin bottle, but I do need my mugs of tea. I also find that since having DS 12 years ago, I can have maybe 2 glasses of wine, and that's it, so I don't bother much of the time.

MrsD, I see what you mean about the not drinking is allowing it to control you BUT no-one actually needs to drink.

I don't see the need to drink, I can have a great time out clubbing, at dinner or parties without drinking at all or only having a few. I do not wish to deal with my early rising DC with a hangover.

One of my close friends had both parents who were alcoholics, her mother died from cirrohsis. She and I have had conversations about how our lives were, how we feel about our mothers etc.

I went to AlAnon for a while, whilst my mother was still alive, and that helped.

My dad is an alcoholic, his sister married one - I'm not sure about his parents and grandparents but I wouldn't be suprised if there was some history of alcoholism there.
My mum's grandpa apparently drank himself to death so I have it on both sides of the family!
Me and my sister are quite big social drinkers and I am a lot less so now I'm older but I am very aware of my relationship with alcohol and I would not use it to self-medicate for depression or stress. I would say that I need to keep an eye on how much I drink because of my family history but it is only like having a family history of obesity - just be aware of it I think.

Sorry, forgot to add - MrsDanvers, I agree it is hard to talk about to people, my dad is quite a charmer so often people don't take it that seriously or they find it embarassing (I do too)

My mother is so obviously an alcoholic - she really is very badly drunk almost all the time and has been for decades so in terms of talking to people about it, when I was still living at home, it was painfully obvious! (but I left home quite young despite going back for sporadic visits till I was about 19 - haven't been back since then). With my father, it's less obvious.

I don't think I find it hard talking about it to other people because it really was my entire life (that and my mother's severe mental illness) but I only found I wanted or even needed to talk about it once my children were born. It's like they put it all in perspective iyswim. It's not something I'd mention in every day conversation though or to someone I didn't trust/care about.

I understand what you are saying about teetotallers MrsD - I used to think that about my sister. In fact, her teetotal behaviour worried me more than the other 3 put together largely because I thought if she was teetotal, she must be doing it because she was worried that if she drank she wouldn't be able to stop - now I think she does it purely because she doesn't like alcohol and can't see the point of it at all which, I suppose, is a different thing.

scaryteacher - despite everything, my father has never admitted my mother is an alcoholic. Despite her being admitted to a rehab unit every year, despite her going into hospital every year with liver problems and despite either me or him bailing her out of police stations on numerous occasions! He also won't admit to his own alcohol issues. It is amazing and in some ways fascinating how self delusional (or in denial) people can be about alcohol problems!

MrsD - I don't think not drinking alcohol means I have a negative relationship with it. Maybe when I was younger yes, as I was petrified of drink and the effects of it, but now it has come about because it really just doesn't bother me. I haven't been able to drink for so long due to pregnancy and then illness/medication that now I can I'm just not bothered. But it is a good point.

With regards to friends it varies. A lot of friends know now years later but how much they know varies. I never bring it up but won't deny it. I only feel comfortable talking about the emotional side of if (rather than the facts IYKWIM) with a few close friends and that's been a gradual thing over time. Recently a "new" friend (met on antenatal) revealed her mum was an alcoholic and it was quite a bonding moment being able to say I understood where she was coming from.

I don't necessarily think it's something people need to know iyswim. I don't think many of my friends here know but then, they've never needed to as I haven't wanted to talk about it and almost all of my family is abroad so it's not been something that's obvious. I also wouldn't deny it and have been in the situation where a friend has asked me to help with a family member with similar mental health/alcoholism issues (to the ones suffered by my family members - mainly severe bipolar) and I was pleased she felt she could ask me tbh.

I can understand the bonding feeling you'd feel with someone in that situation though Weegle.

It is interesting how a lot of us have become more cautious about drinking with age isn't it.