Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
General health

Mumsnet doesn't verify the qualifications of users. If you have medical concerns, please consult a healthcare professional.

Original poster

What on Earth is wrong with my partner?

44 replies

NotAgainWilson · 04/02/2024 09:56

Changed name to post about this as I don’t want it linked to my other possibly outing posts.

DP, who is 54 and my partner of five years has spent the last 2-3 years feeling unwell.

When I met him 6 years ago, 2 years after his divorce. He was not slim but definitely not fat. I have seen photos of him from the years before when he was married and he was very very overweight. He said he lost a lot of weight after the split.

At some point about 4 years ago he started losing even more weight without trying. He has a slim frame and a belly but his arms, legs and hips got very very skinny. At the same time he progressively developed what looks very much like a very big beer belly but he hardly ever drinks (probably one pint a month or less).

Over the last 2 years he appears to be tired all the time. He snores A LOT and normally sleeps 12-14 hours in the weekends. He would sleep even more if I left him to it. He says it is because he has a long drive to work (one hour each way) but he used to have a job which required a much longer commute and was never that tired. The final straw was last night, he wet the bed on his sleep (he was not drunk and had gone to bed no later than 9)

Compared to his previous job, I think he is substantially happier and much less stressed in this job than in the previous one. He complains about the smaller salary BUT it is not really interested in changing the situation.

I have been asking him to go to the doctor for literaly years, he was checked for diabetes recently and was told he was at pre diabetic stage and that was it. No more advice and he is not interested in doing any changes or even checking what he should be doing, in fact he is not interested in anything, he would be happy sitting at home with his vape and phone all day long.

I would say he may be depressed but then, that doesn’t cause a massive beer belly, does it?

Any thoughts? I know he needs to go back to the doctor but unless I find some good arguments to convince him to go back, I doubt very much he would be interested.

OP posts:
MassiveOvaryaction · 04/02/2024 10:31

What's his diet like?

I would imagine it's highly unlikely in an adult in a developed country, but skinny arms and legs and swollen belly sounds like classic kwashiorkor presentation. Can cause apathy as well.

I'm really not sure he'd appreciate me saying that though. Can you maybe suggest he books an appointment with the diabetes nurse to talk about how to live with/treat the prediabetes at least?

Mindymomo · 04/02/2024 10:39

Presumably his diabetic prognosis was after a blood test, so hopefully he would have had full tests on his blood done. Swollen belly is something I would want looking at, also wetting the bed could be urine infection. I can’t believe he wasn’t given advice on his diabetes, my DH was found to be pre diabetic and was given diet advice by the Practice Nurse with follow up blood test 3 months later.

Original poster
NotAgainWilson · 04/02/2024 14:59

He had his bloods done, he has just told me he was told he needed to make an appointment with the nurse but has not bothered yet…

I have been telling him to have the belly checked for years, he says he is too busy (he is not). The belly feels bloated. I believe it is more a problem of inflammation/intolerance but then, he forgot to mention about it when he talk to the doctor about the other stuff.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotAgainWilson · 04/02/2024 15:03

The diet… He has salads for lunch and simple stuff for dinner like beans on toast, sausages, pizzas and the like. He drinks cafe lates as if there was no tomorrow (6-8 a day). He eats better when he is at mine, but then, he is only here a few times a week. By the way, he is not fussy with food, he eats everything.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotAgainWilson · 04/02/2024 15:18

@MassiveOvaryaction just checked kwashiorkor and left me wondering, I’m sure he doesn’t eat enough protein when he is on his own. but the strange thing is that he has the rusted skin tone, the fat feet and although he is white, he always looks tanned (in a reddish way) even when he doesn’t spend much time outside at all.

It seems very far fetched but I will see if I can convince him about having more protein in his diet.

OP posts:
MassiveOvaryaction · 04/02/2024 15:28

NotAgainWilson · 04/02/2024 15:18

@MassiveOvaryaction just checked kwashiorkor and left me wondering, I’m sure he doesn’t eat enough protein when he is on his own. but the strange thing is that he has the rusted skin tone, the fat feet and although he is white, he always looks tanned (in a reddish way) even when he doesn’t spend much time outside at all.

It seems very far fetched but I will see if I can convince him about having more protein in his diet.

I'm not a doctor or anything but your physical description of him brought it to mind. I've no idea if it's even something people in the UK get! Like you say, farfetched. Swollen abdomen could be any number of things but as @Mindymomo said best to get checked out.

Good luck persuading him to see someone.

nocoolnamesleft · 04/02/2024 15:37

Did his bloods include coeliac screening?

Cheeesus · 04/02/2024 15:41

Does the belly increase over the day? That would fit with bloating. If not it may just be fat and if it’s visceral fat then it can feel quite hard.

Some men just carry weight on their stomachs, it doesn’t get caused by beer alone, just an excess of calories.

Original poster
NotAgainWilson · 04/02/2024 15:54

nocoolnamesleft · 04/02/2024 15:37

Did his bloods include coeliac screening?

I’m sure they didn’t, but my thought was gluten intolerance.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotAgainWilson · 04/02/2024 15:56

No, belly is inflamed all the time. It is a very big belly, it will be big even for an overweight man so much more so when considering how skinny he is all around but his belly.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotAgainWilson · 04/02/2024 15:57

Thinking about the proteins again… he has so much milk, I guess that counts like protein intake?

OP posts:
DrMadelineMaxwell · 04/02/2024 16:04

The only person I've known who was skinny but with a fat belly, was someone who had fatty liver. It was very hard feeling when you touched it, not live a standard squishy fat belly would feel.

MeinKraft · 04/02/2024 16:37

Sounds like he has Ascites possibly, he really needs to see a doctor.

Angrymum22 · 04/02/2024 16:46

Does he have stretch marks across his distended abdomen and is his face also round? Cushing’s syndrome could be an underlying cause.
Unexplained weight loss and abdominal swelling are concerning but lots of causes.
If you don’t live together could he be drinking when you are not around. Functioning alcoholics are very good at hiding their alcoholic habits.
I think the wetting the bed is a big red flag health wise. I would encourage him to have his prostate checked. Enlarged prostate is common over 50.

Original poster
NotAgainWilson · 04/02/2024 17:24

DrMadelineMaxwell · 04/02/2024 16:04

The only person I've known who was skinny but with a fat belly, was someone who had fatty liver. It was very hard feeling when you touched it, not live a standard squishy fat belly would feel.

Can you have a fatty liver when you don’t drink?

OP posts:
Notsonifty50 · 04/02/2024 17:32

@NotAgainWilson Yes you can have non-alcoholic fatty liver disease (NAFLD)

Original poster
NotAgainWilson · 04/02/2024 17:32

Angrymum22 · 04/02/2024 16:46

Does he have stretch marks across his distended abdomen and is his face also round? Cushing’s syndrome could be an underlying cause.
Unexplained weight loss and abdominal swelling are concerning but lots of causes.
If you don’t live together could he be drinking when you are not around. Functioning alcoholics are very good at hiding their alcoholic habits.
I think the wetting the bed is a big red flag health wise. I would encourage him to have his prostate checked. Enlarged prostate is common over 50.

I doubt very much he is drinker behind my back. He used to spend a lot of time here and in the rare nights we opened a bottle, half of the bottle was left to languish in the fridge for weeks.

When he wasn’t with me, he was with his children and as he has to be driving them to their friends and to hobbies and tournaments he doesn’t drink when he has them over either.

I would assume that a good drinker has a good level of tolerance to alcohol, this guy does not. 2 pints and he is out, so he us more of a half of pint of shandy person but then, we are hardly ever out to pubs.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotAgainWilson · 04/02/2024 17:33

And no, no stretch marks.

OP posts:
jeremykylieminogue · 04/02/2024 17:33

He needs to go to the GP and explain that he has lost a significant amount of weight without changing his diet and that his stomach is swollen. They will then organise the correct blood tests / additional tests. No one on here can tell you what the issue is, only that it doesn't sound "normal" and there's likely to have an underlying cause. There are some red flags in his symptoms that have to be followed up.

He's being a stereotypical man, so it's time for you to be a stereotypical woman and nag him till he makes (and actually attends!) the appointment!

NewYearNewCalendar · 04/02/2024 17:37

Would he let you actually go to the appointment with him? He’s just not going to volunteer all this information without you there pointing it all out and asking pertinent questions.

Has he had the NHS Health Check recently? It’s meant to be every 5 years from 40 - 75. Could be a good start.

Winter2020 · 04/02/2024 17:40

Hi OP,
I just wanted to say your partner will be given a paper copy print out of his blood test if he asks. It shows the result and also what the expected range would be. Ask if he will get this incase it might give any clues.

Original poster
NotAgainWilson · 04/02/2024 17:41

Sometimes I feel that for things to get checked I would need to go to the appointment with him and that is simply not going to happen. He just minimises the issue and put his head in the sand, I’m so tired of asking him to have it checked I am feeling as if I was his mum, which obviously is quite off putting and not good for our relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotAgainWilson · 04/02/2024 17:42

Winter2020 · 04/02/2024 17:40

Hi OP,
I just wanted to say your partner will be given a paper copy print out of his blood test if he asks. It shows the result and also what the expected range would be. Ask if he will get this incase it might give any clues.

Thank you, I will ask him to ask for it when he has another appointment,.

OP posts:
beetr00 · 04/02/2024 18:05

@NotAgainWilson I know it's difficult, and frustrating when you're concerned. Don't give-up trying to encourage him.

Bloating is usually nothing to worry about and generally can be attributed to poor diet, an intolerance or underlying gut problems. Some people find they bloat when stressed or before, during or after their menstrual cycle. (obviously not in his case)

Five potential warning signs indicating your bloating could be more serious:

Weight loss
Changes in bathroom habits
Fatigue
Appetite changes
Continual bloating

taken from this article; https://www.express.co.uk/life-style/health/1398913

Stomach bloating: Signs bloating is serious

STOMACH bloating occurs when you have finished a meal, but the meal hasn't finished with you.

https://www.express.co.uk/life-style/health/1398913

AlwaysFreezing · 04/02/2024 18:08

Any enexplained weight loss needs to be checked. He needs to see a doctor.