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Original poster

My mum died today and I can’t stop thinking more could have been done

28 replies

Charlotteap · 26/07/2023 22:38

Quick side note my Mum was suffering with cancer , only in the early stages of appointments and the dr was hoping to start treatment. Don’t know if it’s related

this is all I know but might sound blurry, she was shopping (which I tell her off for and tell her to leave it to me) fallen over quite badly , the staff have helped her up made her a drink and helped her back on her mobility scooter and she’s traveled the 5 minute ride home, she rung my dad to help open the door ( he can hardly walk after hip replacement) my dad says she stood up and was shaking ahe grabbed her hands but as soon as she got in the house she collapsed and started taking quick shallow breaths. My dad can’t get to the ground so first pulled his emergency bracelet so an helpline automatically calls an ambulance and rung her niece who lives a street away then eventually me.

apparently the niece arrives 5 mins later and says to my dad sorry but she has gone no pulse. No one rings 999 and they don’t ring him. I speed home from work but it takes me 45 mins as soon as I get in the house I realise no one has tried to do anything so ring 999 who confirms they are on the way and tell me to get someone to start compressions and run to the nearest defibrillator. 50 mins after she collapsed. As soon as I go to do that the ambulance arrive and after 15 mins confirm death.

I am heartbroken but I cannot stop thinking why did my cousin just say she was dead Could she have been saved if they attempted cpr? Why didn’t she ring 999 for advice , turns out the defibrillator was a 3 min drive away and my cousin drives and her husband was there too. What was they both doing until I arrive

shouldn’t an operator have tried to ring after the red button was pressed

the supermarket maybe if they had rung an ambulance more could have been done?

I just can’t stop thinking all these things , she was fine yesterday and now she’s gone, my dad can’t even get in and out of my bed , my mum looked after him I don’t even know if he will survive this

I’m sorry for ranting

OP posts:
Daisybuttercup12345 · 26/07/2023 22:42

I'm so sorry xxx

sproutsandparsnips · 26/07/2023 22:44

Oh I'm so sorry for your loss. Sending Flowers
It's hard to say but in all honesty it is unlikely that anything could have been done. Very few people who have out of hospital cardiac arrests survive meaningfully. I do think I would have called 999 though and attempted CPR. It must be very hard for you to come to terms with it.

Latetothetable · 26/07/2023 22:45

I’m so sorry for your loss x

Daisyhillsareblooming · 26/07/2023 22:45

So sorry to hear of your loss. My own father died of cancer and I question myself all the time whether more could have been done . The sad truth is it was probably your mum’s time to go and perhaps kinder then being on life support which probably would have then be turned off . Take comfort in knowing she spent her last hours doing something she wanted and there was no prolonged suffering . My father took months to die in and out of hospital and it was a very unpleasant experience for him and all the family .

Shouldbedoing · 26/07/2023 22:47

You've had a terrible shock. Be kind to yourself, your Dad, your cousin. Everybody will have done the best they could, at the time, with the information and skills they had available. You may get answers in time, or you may never know what happened. Can you take some comfort that your Mum was at home, with your Dad and not alone? Do.you have someone with you, or can you call someone over? I'm sorry that you lost your Mum so suddenly.

Gymmum82 · 26/07/2023 22:48

I’m so sorry for your loss. Very few people. Under 5% survive an out of hospital cardiac arrest. Even if they’d have done everything. Gotten the defibrillator etc it would likely have not saved her.

Couchpotato3 · 26/07/2023 22:48

I'm so sorry for your loss.
Sadly, very few people survive a cardiac arrest outside hospital, even with immediate CPR from someone who knows what they are doing. This has been a horrible shock for you, and your poor Dad. Perhaps in time you will be able to feel that your Mum passed quickly and was spared a possible lingering and painful alternative death from cancer. For now, you can feel angry and rage at what has happened, but please don't torment yourself with 'if only's. It is very unlikely that the outcome would have been different and your cousin is not to blame.

Cantthinkofadifferentname · 26/07/2023 22:49

I'm sorry for your loss and especially for it being so sudden. Did your mum ever discuss whether she wanted to be resuscitated if her heart stopped? I'm assuming she was quite frail and elderly as she used a mobility scooter. Resuscitation as you get older can be truly brutal with the risk of multiple rib fractures and brain damage. My fit and healthy uncle and aunt put in place DNRs (do not resuscitate) in their very early 70s as they wouldn't want to go through this.What I'm trying to say is even if someone called 999 earlier, it may already have been too late and if it wasn't she may not have been the same person afterwards.She passed in her own home, with her husband and it seems without pain.Be kind to yourself, you couldn't have done more.

CuteCillian · 26/07/2023 22:53

She passed in her own home, with her husband and it seems without pain.
And this would be what most of us hope for I believe.
Resuscitation attempts are brutal and often futile.
I am sorry for your so recent loss, and hope you find some comfort in the comments here.

SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 26/07/2023 23:03

I'm so sorry for what you are going through.
It's natural to wonder "what if?" But I think you need to think that maybe it was her time to go. My ddad was resuscitated twice and he was left damaged and he died anyway a few agonising weeks later. It sounds like your cousin though the ambulance was on its way. She clearly thought your Mum had already passed.

CC4712 · 26/07/2023 23:05

So sorry for your loss OP Flowers

Your thoughts are bound to be racing with what ifs. Why didn't dad ring 999 after he pressed the alarm? Why didn't the cousin or her partner ring 999, do CPR etc? You never know how people react in an emergency and their thought process at the time.

Its all so raw right now and still a massive shock. In time, it may come as a comfort that your mum died quickly and painfree. Do you have anyone to support you? Partner, siblings, friends, adult children?

Lougle · 26/07/2023 23:10

I am so sorry that you were involved at that late stage, so carry the fear that it could have been different if action was taken. In all honesty, as others have said, the success rate of out of hospital cardiac resuscitation is very low. Also, 'success' may be the return of circulation, but that does not mean that the 5% recover well. It simply means that they survived to hospital discharge.

Morewineplease10 · 26/07/2023 23:11

So sorry for your loss OP.
What a massive shock.
Your thoughts are entirely natural and understandable.
Go very gently on yourself.
🌷

Sugarplumfury · 26/07/2023 23:17

What a terrible shock OP. I’m so very sorry about your Mum. I do agree that it sounds like a sudden cardiac arrest and it would have been very unlikely for her to have survived CPR, especially not in a hospital setting. Even then the chances of survival are very low. My Dad didn’t respond after 45 mins of CPR after he arrested on a cardiac ward in a major teaching hospital, with highly skilled doctors working on him.

You are bound to wonder ‘what if’ though. Even the minority who do survive CPR, often have a very poor quality of life afterwards and many pass soon after. I know very little will be of comfort right now though. You will be reeling and all over the place bless you. Sending you love and much sympathy 💐

Original poster
Charlotteap · 26/07/2023 23:22

Thank you so much , each and everyone of you that commented and sent well wishes and shared your experiences. I really have taken comfort regarding the resuscitation, it was like my brain was just stuck on that she could have been saved. I really appreciate you all. I have my husband who’s been brilliant thank you for support, he left work within an instant and took our baby. My parents had me quite late and I had my first baby in January my mum was 70 in January but my dads 85.

the paramedics told us not to move the body but she’s still in the doorway and the private ambulance still hasn’t come for her body and it’s been nearly 10 hours, I had to ring the lifting team to pick my dad up as he got on the ground to say goodbye and we couldn’t get him back up.

anyone know if there is consequences of moving her ? Surely not?

Thank you all again

OP posts:
thisisasurvivor · 26/07/2023 23:25

Ah god I'm in tears for you
For your lovely mum
For your dad

I echo all the other posters

So so sorry you have been through this

Saying extra prayers for you all tonight

I was in your shoes not so long ago xxxxxxxxxxx

Okaaaay · 26/07/2023 23:29

So sorry OP. That’s such a lot. There is little to say that will make you feel better right now. Go lightly with yourself and others. Very unlikely that your mum could have been saved. Sending love for the path ahead to you and your Dad.

sandyhappypeople · 26/07/2023 23:40

OP I'm so sorry for your loss, that's awful, it's normal to not be able to stop thinking about the what ifs.

Do your parents have a funeral plan in place? The reason I'm asking is you may be able to ring the funeral company and they may send someone from there to collect on behalf of the coroner, if not they may be able to advise you if there's someone you can call, it's not right that your mum has now been left without you knowing when someone is coming to get her.

If you're not sure call 101 police non-emergency and ask them what you should do, they may be able to help you.

CC4712 · 26/07/2023 23:40

OP- is your father still on the floor also? Are the 'lifting team' carers with hoists? I've never hear of a lifting team before.

I can't believe the private ambulance haven't arrived and your poor mum has been there for 10hrs! Are you sure they are actually coming tonight at this hour? If you mum is blocking the door way, I'm sure moving her a few cm's away wouldn't be an issue. I assume the ambulance were worried about moving your mum if an autopsy is to be done. ❤

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 26/07/2023 23:46

I'm sorry for your loss. It sounds especially hard the way that this has happened and that you still have all those worries for your dad. I'm glad that you have your own support there from your partner. It is really bad that the private ambulance hasn't come for her after all this time though and so hard on your dad.

Somanycats · 26/07/2023 23:53

Have the police been yet op?

Original poster
Charlotteap · 26/07/2023 23:58

Thank you everyone my dad told me earlier that she paid off their funerals last year but he didn’t know who it was with so I will try to dig out her documents. Worried they are in a safe ( I didn’t know she had) dad says all her gold is in there but he doesn’t know the code.

sorry lifting team is my slang, they are the same care team who my parents paid for the emergency braclets and all the mobility things in their home, dads been downstairs for a few years in a bed, they came within an hour and hoisted him into bed. She was initially moved slightly as she was blocking the door but I haven’t moved her since but you can’t go into the kitchen without walking nearby. They initially told us there had been a mechanical van problem so got an emergency one and the ive rung 3 x since and they keep assuring me they will come it’s just awful her laid there on the cold floor.

I really wanted to get home and a good sleep to recuperate but I don’t want to leave my dad with my mum still here, my son is still breastfed so I have had to nip home a few times ; luckily I’m only 5
Mins away. I went into work 45 mins away to tell them I won’t be returning after maternity leave, the first time I’ve gone out of the village since baby was born and this happens

OP posts:
Original poster
Charlotteap · 27/07/2023 00:00

@Somanycats yes the police came this afternoon and was here for quite a long time , asked my dad lots and lots of questions bless him. They said they were going to visit the supermarket and try and look at the cctv I don’t know why? Didn’t mention if they would be back in touch

OP posts:
Original poster
Charlotteap · 27/07/2023 00:02

I just managed to speak to someone who said they are on there way and will be about 30 mins, not happy it’s taken all day and night but glad they are finally coming

OP posts:
Somanycats · 27/07/2023 00:03

Glad to hear it, wishing you well