My mum died today and I can’t stop thinking more could have been done

[Charlotteap]

Quick side note my Mum was suffering with cancer , only in the early stages of appointments and the dr was hoping to start treatment. Don’t know if it’s related

this is all I know but might sound blurry, she was shopping (which I tell her off for and tell her to leave it to me) fallen over quite badly , the staff have helped her up made her a drink and helped her back on her mobility scooter and she’s traveled the 5 minute ride home, she rung my dad to help open the door ( he can hardly walk after hip replacement) my dad says she stood up and was shaking ahe grabbed her hands but as soon as she got in the house she collapsed and started taking quick shallow breaths. My dad can’t get to the ground so first pulled his emergency bracelet so an helpline automatically calls an ambulance and rung her niece who lives a street away then eventually me.

apparently the niece arrives 5 mins later and says to my dad sorry but she has gone no pulse. No one rings 999 and they don’t ring him. I speed home from work but it takes me 45 mins as soon as I get in the house I realise no one has tried to do anything so ring 999 who confirms they are on the way and tell me to get someone to start compressions and run to the nearest defibrillator. 50 mins after she collapsed. As soon as I go to do that the ambulance arrive and after 15 mins confirm death.

I am heartbroken but I cannot stop thinking why did my cousin just say she was dead Could she have been saved if they attempted cpr? Why didn’t she ring 999 for advice , turns out the defibrillator was a 3 min drive away and my cousin drives and her husband was there too. What was they both doing until I arrive

shouldn’t an operator have tried to ring after the red button was pressed

the supermarket maybe if they had rung an ambulance more could have been done?

I just can’t stop thinking all these things , she was fine yesterday and now she’s gone, my dad can’t even get in and out of my bed , my mum looked after him I don’t even know if he will survive this

I’m sorry for ranting

It's the suddenness of your Mum's death that has upset you. You didn't get to say goodbye to her. She died in her own home with her DH with her. Sudden deaths are brutal on loved ones my Dad died of a massive heart attack. An ambulance was called but it made no difference. Ambulance people got there in 8 minutes and tried to resuscitate but it didn't work. Far better a sudden death as no pain for your Mum. My Mum died of pancreatic cancer and it went on for 4 months of having to see her suffer. I know which death I'd prefer. Don't blame your Dad and cousins because they were probably in shock.

I am so so sorry for your loss. I also lost my father in an unexpected and quick way and medical negligence was involved and it’s natural for you mind to wander to those ‘what ifs’… however, as I think some people mentioned even with defibrillator there would be no guarantee to save her. It would have likely gotten the niece more than 3 minutes to find out where it was, go there in the car and then they would have to find somebody who can use or work out instructions. I am sure they were stressed so I think it would have taken about 15-20 minutes if not more. My FIL had a heart attack recently and even though he was defibrillated quickly it did not really restart his heart and when there is even 15-20 minute delay then there is concern about oxygen to the brain and brain damage.

i also know you must be in total shock now and overwhelmed with grief.

I want you to know that it will get better. The pain will ease. You will always miss her, no doubt about that, the grief will still be there in some way but you will learn to live with it. The grief might come in waves but they will abate. Slowly but they will.

My thoughts are with you ❤️

I'm so sorry OP. I can't believe your Mum was left there so long to be picked up and would be far more upset about that than her actual death. I agree with other posters that it was her time and it is unlikely she could have been saved.