Worried that I'm slowly killing myself

[Stuck891]

Here goes....
I really need to change before I end up leaving my children without a Mum, there's so many issues with my health that I honestly wonder how I'm not seriously ill or worse, but I'm getting older now and I know my self sabotaging lifestyle is going to catch up with me soon.

Where to start...??

• I have a dreadful, toxic relationship with food. Bulimia and restrictive diets and bingeing have been the norm for me for nearly 20 years. My teeth are starting to crumble, my skin is awful and I'm sitting at around 16 stone which I'm really starting to feel on me.

I stay up late so I can binge and purge whilst the house is asleep. I've been every weight from 10 stone to nearly 19 stone in the last 5 years and I'm tired of it all.I feel like shit. My self esteem is on the floor.

-Im aware of a mild codeine addiction which began around 6 months ago. It's not dangerous but will be soon if I can't get a grip of it.

-Im in debt. I owe about 14 grand on loans and credit cards- no one knows! Most of this debt can be attributed to buying huge quantities of food and takeaways, impulsive Amazon sprees late at night, absolutely nothing of substance or anything worthwhile.

• I often feel detached as if I'm watching myself. It's like I'm not real. I don't know why and can't exactly articulate the feeling - it's intermittent but does generally niggle in the background.

• I keep stealing. Nothing major, maybe a punnet of grapes or an expensive food item that I 'forget' to scan at self service. I have no idea what drives me to it because I always feel like such a piece of shit after.

• I don't know what I'm interested in or enjoy. I've no hobbies, nothing I can be bothered to pursue. Nothing that holds my attention to the point of trying to shoehorn some time to do it.

I really don't know why I'm posting this. I know I need to see a professional of some sort, but I really don't know where to begin to get a handle of myself. The guilt and worry about these dreadful habits is suffocating.

For context

I'm late 20s, have a professional career and 2 young children. A nice house, a loving husband, and friends.

I take a strong antidepressant daily after I suffered with post natal depression a few years ago.

Can anyone out there offer any solidarity, advice, anecdotes or a bloody good bollocking to help me wise up and get my shit together? I feel like a ticking time bomb.

Hi OP you need to see a counsellor I think. You can try NHS - maybe iapt can help. Habits are not easy to break but you need to start somewhere. All the best to you

Thank you @Bigbus , yes I heavily suspect some counseling is required. Although I really don't know how I would explain it all, there's no trauma that I'm aware of, my childhood was fine etc. But yes there's got to be some use to talking therapy in this hasn't there, I'll have a look into it.

I have many of the same problems - it is really really tough.

Start with your GP - you have a clear eating disorder and you need to be referred for therapy. If you have the money to start it privately while you wait then BEAT is a good place to start looking. You might also find Overeaters anonymous helpful - I find you can just ignore the god stuff and it’s a supportive community. PM me if you want some links. I’d also get Ranjan Chatterjees loose weight feel great - it’s not a diet book and it’s not specifically for people with binge eating disorder, but it is a general guide to healthy eating and weight loss for people who find it difficult, I think it might help you bull a realistic plan while being nice to yourself.

I also think you should talk to your Gp about your medication, it may need adjusting.

Contact step change / the CAB for your debt, they will help you sort out a payment plan, to freeze any interest and possibly reduce the total. Don’t whatever you do pay a private company to do this. Binge eating and overspending often go hand in hand.

lots of people with a career and kids don’t have much time for anything else, so don’t beat yourself up about that. for the next couple years focus on building up your health as your hobby.

Can you talk to your husband about all this? Does he know about the binging and the debt? It might help to be able to
discuss it with him.

Things can change, get moving with it, but be a patient - it takes time.

@continentallentil thank you, thank you so much. I've screenshot your reply so I can refer to it again, I so so appreciate that advice. I'm due to have a medication review with the GP later this month and I agree it needs adjusting, if anything I feel less in control than ever so something isn't working with it anymore for whatever reason. I so don't want to be this person anymore. I'd really appreciate some links yes please. I'm sorry you're grappling with similar issues aswell.

My husband is fantastic but I'm really not ready to tell him the extremes of all this yet - I want to be able to tell him that I've made the first steps in resolving this shit show before I expose all this. He won't be shocked, He's no stranger ti my eating habits but the debt and the spending/stealing I'm just too ashamed to tell him right now.

Hi @Stuck891 Im sorry you're going through all this. It's late so I will post more tomorrow but have you ever been assessed for ADHD? You are ticking a lot of boxes for it especially on impulse control. I agree with seeing your GP as a first step

I can relate to this SO much OP. I've had the same ED for 20+ years, I'm on antidepressants and my skin, teeth and hair are terrible. Still overweight as well. I feel guilty all the time but I just cannot seem to overcome my issues even though I'm aware of the negative impact on my heath and my kids/ partner. I'm worried my daughter is going to have the same dreadful relationship with food as me 😞
I have just read 'brain over binge' which was eye opening- I really hoped it would stick and it has helped somewhat (binges are fewer) but I plan to re read as this has been the closest thing to help me in a long time. I would strongly suggest reading/listening to this.
I'm not ready to see a doctor or tell my family about any of my problems, and I have no plans to do so, I'm simply too ashamed. The only person who knows is my dentist, for obvious reasons.
Anyway, I don't have the answers, clearly I need help too! But just wanted to say you are not alone and to provide the book recommendation. Thankfully I'm not in debt s im not sure about how to tackle this. Best of luck Xx

It seems you know what to do and your ready for it but just need that kick up the backside lol 😜 you need motivation, I don't blame you habits of any kind are hard to break as we get into an vicious cycle. You can do it, break the cycle and don't repeat it, make that change and stick to it.
When I read that your in your 20's married with children and a career and a good hubby, girl you're living the dream❤️
Don't risk losing any of this and most importantly find yourself 🥰
Postnatal depression can lead to depression stress and anxiety, at the docs review explain how your feeling and maybe a change of medication will be good 👍
Try to go for daily walks to clear your head, do whatever you can to get back on track 🙏 you got this 💪
Sending you lots of prayers 🙏❤️ hopefully you feel better soon 🙏

You explained it really good in your first post. If you told that to a medical professional they'd have some idea where to start helping you.

On a practical level a dentist can sort out your teeth even if it's only dentures. You don't have to live with rotten teeth and pain.

Debt charities can help if that's out of control.

See the doctor about the codeine abuse and get a referral to somewhere that can help with that.

Doctor can hopefully help with a referral for the eating disorder too.

The being outside yourself watching is maybe depersonalisation, but just explain it to medics how you did here, they'll understand.

Talk to your doctor about the depression/meds/side effects in case that's playing any part in all this. Maybe it's not being adequately controlled or you need therapy for this too?

Don't you think having an eating disorder since childhood would be traumatic? You can also need/have talking therapy without having had a trauma. So don't worry about not meeting the criteria for it.

Strikes me that the whole thing is as you say self-sabotage. The disordered eating, the racking up debt, the stealing, the codeine addiction, keeping secrets from your DH, talking about yourself like you hate yourself. Maybe self sabotage is a result of low self esteem? I don't think you're going to fix the rest of it without getting to the root cause and dealing with that. So I can see why you need therapy.

Can you funnel the overspending money into private therapy? In the long term it'd help fix the debt problems if you could stop spending on this other pointless stuff to cheer yourself up/punish yourself with food. And there's no convincing anyone of anything or having to meet someone's criteria for referral or being on a waiting list. You could still ask for GP referral and go private while you wait.

You could even do relationship counselling to manage the bit where you come clean to DH about all this. I don't think you're going to be able to fix all this without him knowing. Secrecy seems to be part of the problem and it's going to have an impact on him when he finds out firstly about all the stuff and secondly about how you've kept it secret. He's going to need some support himself as well as you needing support to change your life.

Private therapy doesn't send a report to your GP. It's not on your official records unless you tell the GP you're doing it.

It's all complex and interlinked. You say the addiction is "mild". Whatever that means. I wonder if you'd be better off focusing on dealing with this first even if it means everything else getting temporarily worse. It would be incredibly tough. But you're potentially at risk of getting caught up in the cycle of being bounced around by everyone, because addiction places might say they can't treat your addiction because of your mental health issues and mental health services might say they can't treat those until your addiction is under control. At the moment all anyone official knows is that you have depression being controlled by meds. I can't see how that alone would disqualify you from getting addiction help.

Agree with a pp - you have many (MANY) ADHD traits. Getting help and medication for that could be life changing x

You’re welcome

I think the Pp is right about ADHD - there is a big correlation between it and binge eating - worth asking your GP to go through a questionnaire with you to see if you need a referral for that

https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/
Best place for online support and find a therapist

OA links
People get a bit evangelical about OA, I don’t think there’s any need for that - you just take the bits that work for you, but it’s a very handy resource sometimes
https://www.oagb.org.uk/ - look for find a meeting, most are online, there’s one happening all the time

early bird Uk - every morning at 7 am
https://us02web.zoom.us/j/8331483967?pwd=cXhYcDgzWXQ0bnRmUStGU3B2QmJLQT09#success
At weekends they have longer sessions when someone well on the path to recovery speaks at length - they can be really helpful and very moving

womens circle uk - every evening at 9.15
https://us05web.zoom.us/j/4387370725?pwd=V21MVVRVQlA3UmZ1VGxOVnY4b0Izdz09#success

I also think Shahroo Izardi’s book the Last Diet might be helpful, again it’s not a diet book, more a guide to weight loss, but it’s very strong on emotional relationships with food and has some useful exercises. She is an addiction counsellor who lost a lot of weight herself. But I do think you need therapeutic support of some kind, don’t try to go it alone.

.. Also - you really do have youth on your side, so that’s a real positive to hold onto

Great comments from other posters.

Just wanted to add that I would recommend Fairburn's book "overcoming binge eating" - it's a self help guide to accompany therapy and is brilliant (I have used it as a professional and for my own difficulties with eating).

Lots of these behaviours (eating, buying, stealing) seem to have the same roots - whether that be seeking a rush, managing difficult emotions with a dopamine hit (usually this one is in there somewhere), and/or problems with impulse control (which is why another poster has mentioned ADHD as a possibility). It makes sense they all co - appear. They also are all linked to a lot of shame. Shame thrives on secrecy. Bring them a bit into the light if you can - start by contacting debt help services, GP for therapy and maybe ADHD assessment, addiction charities for the codeine. Over time, see if you can tell someone you trust in your personal life, about even one bit of it.

Lastly, about routine - start with the must do things - the fairburn book will mention for example 3 meals plus a couple of healthy snacks, no matter what you have eaten or purged. People fear that this will increase their weight dramatically on top of binges, but it doesn't. It controls the blood sugar highs and lows and breaks the link between undereating and binges. Add in a multivitamin as purging can strip vitamins from you (take it first thing am, when you are longer away from a purge time). Sleep scheduling would help remove your trigger times a bit, reduce how intolerable your emotions may feel, and probably help your health overall too! You'll have other schedules in your life with the kids etc but the only thing I'd add if you can is a walk, solo, with a podcast or similar once a day. Again, a regular time for that.

A good therapist can help with all the above. Best of luck to you. It's never too late x

Thank you all so much. Your lack of judgement and kind advice is so very much appreciated. Going to take some time out today and mull over these replies and try to formulate an action plan.

Self esteem or lack of, has been a theme in my life as long as I can recall. I've no idea what has caused it but I can't keep allowing it to drive these behaviours. I've never, ever liked let alone loved myself so I'm certain that this is a contributing factor.

How does one begin to love and respect themselves after a lifetime of self loathing?

And the most confusing thing for me lately is that I genuinely don't feel depressed.. I've been to the pits of depression and it was nothing like this, this just feels like I'm watching somebody trash their health and their future for no good reason.

@continentallentil thank you so much for the links I'm going to have a look today x

Hello

if you can afford to go private, try here for for counselling:

http://www.mandysaligari.com/#

Their 6 week programme is brilliant. Feel free to PM if you like.

As for the codeine addiction it's a strange one. I'll buy a packet in and take much more than the recommended dose in a day, until the box is gone, then I won't buy any more for a week or 2. Then I buy another box and repeat.
Historically I've had drinking problems and know myself well enough to know that this codeine situation could potentially escalate so I agree that needs to be one of the first things to go.
I don't drink, have been teetotal for 3 years now so I know I'm capable of quitting the tablets.

You said that you don't want to be completely honest with your husband as you are ashamed, however I am going to frame this in a different way. You are only going to be able to tackle this if you have support and you cannot have effective support without full disclosure. Could this be a part of you talking that's scared of tackling your problems, or wants to remain in denial? It sounds odd but it's perfectly normal for one person to have wildly different feelings about their own personal situation.

I say this as someone who has read your post and is willing you to make those first steps towards recovery. Please consider being totally honest with your husband. It may make you feel worse in the short term but it may just be your best bet for a brighter future.

Some really good advice here. Completely agree with the need for an ADHD assessment, a possible medication adjustment and counselling.

One thing that hasn’t been mentioned so much: your 14k debt. That is huge, and you need to tell your husband and take some accountability for this now! You say you have a good relationship with him, so sit him down and be honest. I wouldn’t be surprised if this is triggering a lot of your other issues.

The debt certainly hasn't triggered a lot of the other issues but is a consequence of some of your coping mechanisms. It's now all part of the vicious cycle you find yourself in.

Your behaviours (binging, drinking (in the past), medicating, spending sprees) are all numbing something inside of you, perhaps dysregulation. I agree with others who say to investigate ADHD.

Each of these issues need unpicking and investigating with a really effective counsellor or therapist.

It will take time, these sort of things can't be cured overnight. I say this as someone who has been in a not entirely dissimilar place.

I also second those who say to talk to your husband.

I'm going to add to the list of those saying look into ADHD. A lot of what you're saying can be consistent with adult ADHD.

Hey firstly you’re not alone, a lot of what you’ve written I can relate to particularly being overweight and starting to feel it and the bingeing. I’ve been a binge eater since I was 17 (30 now) and it’s horrible both in how you feel after and the cost of it. Some things that worked for me are:

• coming clean to my husband
• my husband does all the food shopping now
• ive blocked deliveroo on my phone as this was where most of my money was going

I still binge eat but it’s definitely better than it was, also helped atm by my morning sickness! But I did find taking those steps above helped reduce it slightly. But I know exactly how you feel and stopping binge eating is so incredibly hard. I also have a therapist who I talk to and I’m better understanding my relationship between food and emotions. Not sure how this is working yet but I’m determined to stick at it. Could you get a therapist? You mention you’re a professional so does your work do private health insurance as I get all my therapy via Bupa.

I identify with a lot of what you are saying - I am also currently dipping my toe into Overeaters Anonymous which you might find helpful.

I started by reading their book of recovered OA stories and am trying to join a virtual meeting but the timings haven't worked yet.

Having been in AA for 9 years it was a natural step once I'd admitted that, although AA has completely transformed my life, I also seem to have out my behaviour around food in a little box that sits outside my AA programme.

There is zero obvious trauma in my life - and yet I developed alcoholism and all of the destructive food behaviour you described.

However, there was a LOT of messed up thinking / fear / ego / pride which I have been able to identify and work on removing in AA so I have high hopes for OA.

No advice but just wanted to say it's fantastic that you've gone sober. Really big achievement and you should hold onto that, it's amazing!

Do you mean Cocodamol? Because as far as I’m aware you can’t buy purely Codeine without a prescription (I have Cocodamol 30/500 on repeat prescription for lupus). If you do mean Cocodamol you absolutely must, must tackle this first as taking too much paracetamol can be lethal, even if you’re taking it sporadically like this. The Codeine addiction is an issue but it’s the paracetamol in the Cocodamol that will kill you first.

The steps of an AA / OA programme work on identifying and correcting the reasons behind low self esteem which for me really drove the genuine change. I didn't need to drink to change the way I felt anymore. However, there's obviously still some major stuff lurking hence the food obsession is still around so I'm working on that now with my sponsor.