Worried that I'm slowly killing myself

[Stuck891]

Here goes....
I really need to change before I end up leaving my children without a Mum, there's so many issues with my health that I honestly wonder how I'm not seriously ill or worse, but I'm getting older now and I know my self sabotaging lifestyle is going to catch up with me soon.

Where to start...??

• I have a dreadful, toxic relationship with food. Bulimia and restrictive diets and bingeing have been the norm for me for nearly 20 years. My teeth are starting to crumble, my skin is awful and I'm sitting at around 16 stone which I'm really starting to feel on me.

I stay up late so I can binge and purge whilst the house is asleep. I've been every weight from 10 stone to nearly 19 stone in the last 5 years and I'm tired of it all.I feel like shit. My self esteem is on the floor.

-Im aware of a mild codeine addiction which began around 6 months ago. It's not dangerous but will be soon if I can't get a grip of it.

-Im in debt. I owe about 14 grand on loans and credit cards- no one knows! Most of this debt can be attributed to buying huge quantities of food and takeaways, impulsive Amazon sprees late at night, absolutely nothing of substance or anything worthwhile.

• I often feel detached as if I'm watching myself. It's like I'm not real. I don't know why and can't exactly articulate the feeling - it's intermittent but does generally niggle in the background.

• I keep stealing. Nothing major, maybe a punnet of grapes or an expensive food item that I 'forget' to scan at self service. I have no idea what drives me to it because I always feel like such a piece of shit after.

• I don't know what I'm interested in or enjoy. I've no hobbies, nothing I can be bothered to pursue. Nothing that holds my attention to the point of trying to shoehorn some time to do it.

I really don't know why I'm posting this. I know I need to see a professional of some sort, but I really don't know where to begin to get a handle of myself. The guilt and worry about these dreadful habits is suffocating.

For context

I'm late 20s, have a professional career and 2 young children. A nice house, a loving husband, and friends.

I take a strong antidepressant daily after I suffered with post natal depression a few years ago.

Can anyone out there offer any solidarity, advice, anecdotes or a bloody good bollocking to help me wise up and get my shit together? I feel like a ticking time bomb.

I am so sorry you are dealing with all of this. It sounds really difficult and I relate to a few elements of what you're experiencing.
Firstly, I'd suggest breaking down how to deal with this into manageable steps so it seems less overwhelming. One of the first things would be to make a GP appointment. It is clear that you have an eating disorder and need help.
I agree with other comments that a lot of your behaviours sound like chasing dopamine from risk taking and a good therapist could help to get to the root of why it is occurring.
Also, I don't know if you have researched it but there is a strong link between eating disorders and stealing. Personally, I have anorexia and am now in recovery but at my worst point I was constantly shoplifting despite it being something that is NOT in my character at all. It is part of the illness, obviously it doesn't make it okay but it highlights the effect that being unwell is having on your brain.
Please reach out to the GP and have an honest conversation with your husband. It will be difficult but it is the first step to making a plan to get better. It won't seem as overwhelming if you can have a 'team' of people on your side to help you beat this.

I also thought Adhd. Sounds like a strong desire for dopamine. But im not professional and don't want to Internet diagnose. Something to consider. Even if not ADHD, it may be youre trying to satiate some feeling of boredom or restlessness?

So many helpful replies here thank you to each and every one of you for taking the time to help, I really am grateful.

I'm trying to think clearly but it's a busy household and I struggle to find a quiet space to just 'be'. I think later today I'll turf the kids into the garden and maybe have a chat with my husband. I'm scared and I feel awful, we have been through a lot in the last few years with my post natal illness and I feel that once again me and my mental health is going to take centre stage. But I do understand I need to do whatever it takes to finally pull my head together and try to live a somewhat normal life.

Yes, it's sometimes cocodamol or the nurofen plus. Many comments on here suggesting I'm chasing dopamine and I absolutely agree, I do and have always felt like I'm chasing a hit or a high. There's no reason for it, my life is great!!!

The debt, whilst a very high amount, is manageable. Thankfully I'm paid well and I can manage the repayments, it's just a weight on my mind but I'm not struggling financially to pay it but if I don't stop spending I'll soon get into hot water so yes, I'm going to pull my head out of the sand and get a handle on that.

I'm going to ring the doctor tomorrow.

Thank you all so much I am so glad I posted this, your words are giving me hope.

This is actually good, for codeine addiction. There's no physical dependence. You're bingeing on them. Using them to get high once every few weeks. Giving yourself a break from overwhelming emotions? If so, you need to find some other way to do that.

You're taking way too much paracetamol though, that's dangerous. To mitigate risks, stay away from alcohol and preferably anything else that primarily processed by your liver to give it a break in between these drug binges. Your liver works just fine until you're down to 10% left undamaged, at which point you're fucked. You won't have outward symptoms of the paracetamol poisoning until it's too late. This is not advice, my advice is to get help and stop, but if you're going to take cocodamol like this you should be doing a cold water extraction to minimise the paracetamol consumed.

Self esteem or lack of, has been a theme in my life as long as I can recall. I've no idea what has caused it but I can't keep allowing it to drive these behaviours. I've never, ever liked let alone loved myself so I'm certain that this is a contributing factor.

How does one begin to love and respect themselves after a lifetime of self loathing?

I can't answer that question directly, but here's some related ones:

if you met someone who you loathed, how would you treat them? I'm going to guess you wouldn't torture them the way you're torturing yourself.

Do you believe in equality? Do you treat people equally? Or do you behave nastily to those you don't like? Let's assume you believe in equality and are generally nice to others - add yourself into that and treat yourself the way you'd treat anyone else. You're a human being too and as worthy of kindness and care as anyone else is.

When you meet someone new do you automatically respect them as the default? Yes? So if you take the view that strangers shouldn't have a higher priority/status in your own life than you yourself do, that leaves you with two options to level things up - start treating everyone else like utter shit, or start treating yourself with respect.

Oh wait, OP I've just re read and perhaps I missed something. Are you in the UK? You can't buy actual codeine OTC in UK. Are you taking codeine or co-codamol? And how many in a box? Mine are 100 in a box which is why I was so concerned for your paracetamol intake but perhaps you're not taking that many? You should still investigate the damaging/fatal dose of paracetamol though so you can be aware of how much harm you're doing to yourself, if you're taking co-codamol.

Hi OP,

Just to say that for the past 7 years I've been in a similar situation, and I am now 3 weeks purge free! Managed to do it without counselling, definitely hard but very worth it.

• Try and eat 3 meals a day, I like to follow the plate method and ensure that there is protein, fat and fibre in both meals (Abbey Sharp on youtube has some great videos, I normally get triggered by dieticians but she is great).
• Keep fruit/veg in the house for when you want to binge, but if you have a true craving, honour it. If you still want to keep eating after say 2 cookies, wait as long as you can and distract yourself.
• If you end up bingeing, sit with the fullness without purging. This is VERY hard and you may gain a little weight, but soon your hunger will regulate and you'll stop feeling the need to purge when full. E.g. at lunchtime today I was craving a dominos, I ordered it and ate more than I would have liked, but I didn't purge. Now that craving is gone and next time I will remember the fullness and eat more appropriately.

These are just personal to me and my journey is by no means perfect but please do seek help! My recovery was triggered by an ENT referral where I was diagnosed with silent reflux (no symptoms) that was so severe I am no longer allowed to drink alcohol or have fizzy drinks at all. I am about 7lbs heavier but I now feel in a much better place to lose weight healthily when I'm ready. Good luck x

Sorry I should have said my advice only addresses the bulimia, but hopefully it helps!

Hello all, once again thank you so much for the comments I can't tell you how much I appreciate it all.

To answer a few queries and to reply to a few other posts....

The codeine issue was nailed on the head - it's more of a binge rather than a daily occurrence. I buy a box of maybe 32 and cane them over a few days until they've gone, then forget about it. I do get a very mild buzz which is why I keep doing it. I feel so adolescent typing that and seeing it in black and white, I don't know why I'm needing a buzz as whilst I'm tired and stressed from work/kids my circumstances generally are good. I tend to stick to ibuprofen based tablets as I'm aware of the paracetamol dangers, not that what I'm doing is in any way healthier. I'm definitely very low about my weight so find temporary relief in bingeing and purging, which in the long run adds weight gain and creates this cycle. I can look at my whole situation objectively and see what needs to be done but actually facilitating this change is proving very difficult.

I'm generally well liked by my peers, I'm not a nasty person and treat any and all strangers with respect as a default. I can really get on board with with the comment made by @PatchworkDonkey about 'levelling up' and I think I'm going to remember that one to try help boost my self esteem. Thank you so much for that advice.

@Definitelynotem that is absolutely amazing, well done! You have given me hope that we're not doomed to this bullshit bulimia forever! Keep going!

I've just sat down alone today for the first time and I'm going to put pen to paper and get some thoughts out and maybe try to formulate an action plan. Needless to say a phonecall to the GP will be going top of the list.

Good luck OP. Half the battle with major life overhaul is recognising the need for change and being genuinely committed to doing it. So you've already got a head start on all the people who access help because they don't want the problem any more - but they also don't really want to change anything. You have success story written all over you 😊