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Original poster

self harm

34 replies

smurfgirl · 28/12/2007 18:54

positive stories please

stopped for 3 years, am back cutting and scalding myself which i am gutted at

have dead good professional support and am working through things but feel unbarebly frustrated at the moment

OP posts:
BadKittenInAPearTree · 28/12/2007 19:08

{{{{{smurfgirl}}}}}
I'm very glad you have the professional support you need. You know that it wont always be this way, that in general you can manage life without this. This is a blip - a short term way of coping until you find other ways of coping again. You will find a balance again - I'm sure of it because you did it before and that shows that you are strong.

juicychops · 28/12/2007 19:12

sorry smurfgirl, i have no positive advice as been drifting in and out of self harming for many many years had no professional help as when i went to the doctors about it some time ago she didn't know how to deal with it so totally dismissed it and so have no idea how to stop permanently

But if you have previously stopped it for 3 years before then you will get there again

Original poster
smurfgirl · 28/12/2007 19:15

juicychops

cheers for replies x

OP posts:
blanki · 28/12/2007 19:23

Oh no smurfgirl, you must be feeling really bad. Is there anyone who can talk to you, like the professionals who know you ? Maybe an out of hours service? I hope this is just a lil blip, Im sure it is. I used to use self injury as a way of coping. It was really bad, I was in hospital and it was all I could think about. I was addicted. Like you I had really excellent help. It saved my life. I havent hurt myself since before ds was born. This was almost three years ago. I know that it does help in a really dysfunctional way, but it is no way to live. Its not even an existance. Hope this helps, can chat more if you fancy? Take care

fullofchocolatemoonfiend · 28/12/2007 19:25

do you want positive stories of people stopping self harming or do you want positive support to stop yourself doing it?

Original poster
smurfgirl · 28/12/2007 19:28

Bit of both I guess.

I feel so lost that I am back doing it - only very small stuff which for me is positive because I never restrained myself in the past. My partner does not know, but I am dealing with it with therapy stuff. But feel I am getting nowhere. Hmmm.

OP posts:
fullofchocolatemoonfiend · 28/12/2007 19:40

I should say have no personal experience of SH; I have some friends who have and because of that, I am interested.

I'm not prying, but what has triggered this?

Original poster
smurfgirl · 28/12/2007 19:43

Stuff

OP posts:
BrieVinDeAlkaSeltzer · 28/12/2007 19:47

The wedding ??

fullofchocolatemoonfiend · 28/12/2007 19:50

ok. But you recognise your triggers, obviously . Which is good.

What would happen if you told dp?

Where can you get support until you can be back in touch with your professional support?

Well done for three years though. At least you know you can do it.

I'm wittering here, but I'm also keeping it in active convos...

Original poster
smurfgirl · 28/12/2007 20:02

Not the wedding really. Stuff about my relationship with my mum whicht he wedding has brought up - maybe?

I think, for me, its about my thought processes about how I relate to people/things/myself thats the issue at the moment - not necessarily what brought me here.

OP posts:
Original poster
smurfgirl · 28/12/2007 20:03

I have therapy once a week which I am ok with - don't feel I need crisis resolution or anything. Am very very restrained with self harming.

OP posts:
Original poster
smurfgirl · 29/12/2007 14:27

Shitty shitty day.

OP posts:
juicychops · 29/12/2007 17:07

sorry to hear that smurfgirl

anythin you wanna talk about?

pussycatmomma · 29/12/2007 17:25

Hi smurfgirl....
I hope what I say may be of some help to you. We sound similiar. I have also fallen off the bandwagon so to speak over the last 6months, and for me this co-incided with my first (much wanted) pregnancy and also the start of new weekly psychotherapy. I recognise what you say regarding your "thought processes about how I relate to people/things/myself thats the issue at the moment - not necessarily what brought me here." I feel the same. For me I have started burning again, but have not returned to cutting. For me, it goes in stages. I am gutted too, but I can also recognise that I am only falling into my old ways because I am actually trying to cope with my feelings. This isnt the best method of coping, but for me it has just been getting me through some scary times. I am obviously feeling very rational and Ok at the moment, but at the times when I do self harm, I am very displaced from any type of reality. Being able to look at it objectively afterwards helps me, as does recognising it for what it is. I might have a new scar or a nasty burn, but at the end of the day, I havent killed anyone, and I only have myself to answer to.
For what its worth, at one point my self harm had escalated to serious proportions resulting in hospital treatment at least twice a week. Somehow I managed to stop for almost 4 years!!!!!!! it has never been as bad as it was during those years.
You grow, you learn, and you change.
Keep talking about it to whoever you need to, even strangers on mn
Above all, the only thing i can say is "dont beat yourself up after the event". Move forwards. There is always a fresh page tomorrow.
xxxxx

pussycatmomma · 29/12/2007 17:28

ive also just noticed you are getting married soon! congratulations! I found getting prepared for the wedding incredibly stressful, and again self harmed during that period - but i got through it, and you will to. whens the big day?

blanki · 29/12/2007 17:33

Pussycatmomma, well done you! If you read my earlier post, I know how hard this is to do. You sound like you are doing really well, you are in good company!

pussycatmomma · 29/12/2007 17:58

thank you blanki - yes we are all in good company here. Do you mind me asking, are your scars in visible areas? I am heavily scar-ed on my left arm, and i do not go out of my way to cover it. I keep having nagging thoughts about when my baby is older and starting school etc - i dont want to be the cause of any teasing or jibes for my child. It is my dh who mainly mentions this, possiblly I think, to try and deter me, but it does play on my mind. For the most part i find childrens honesty very refreshing, oooh what have you done, is that a scar, why is your skin like that? etc etc and normally can answer with no problem (i hurt myself and my skin had to mend itself, isnt that clever?" type of thing. But i just want to be a good mummy and dont want things like this to hinder me!!

Original poster
smurfgirl · 29/12/2007 18:12

Thanks for replies.

I know its not the same as before, I feel more in control (although not particularly today) and I know I have more insight into what I am doing but its still so hard.

I do have scars on both arms - but they are all old - any new stuff has been done on my tummy/groin/legs - and relatively speaking its small because my df does not know! I have been scalding my hands too - but not enough to leave any real mark which is good I guess.

Wedding is ages away, october.

I am very good at sounding positive when things are actually shite.

OP posts:
morgansauntie · 29/12/2007 19:48

Hi All

I started to follow this thread last night and actually began to write a comment but didn't have the energy to finish it(not in the best of moods at the moment). I really do admire everybodies honesty and bravery as IMO self harm is still a taboo subject, so well done and big hugs to those of you that have stopped even if you have started again IYSWIM, a psychiatrist once said to me never say never (about doing it again) because you will be really disappointed, upset, angry etc if you start again, this may seem strange but personally I can follow his logic, by the way he did say it was brilliant that I had stopped.

Smurfgirl were in a similiar situation I last self harmed 3 years ago as well but in the past few weeks the thoughts have been creeping back again, at the moment I'm taking it one day at a time and haven't fallen of the wagon yet - did take a razor apart on thursday but thats as far as I got and doing that helped to diffuse the situation partly because it took so long!. Everyone self harms for different reasons mines an emotional realise, it may sound silly but crying now helps unless things are really bad, I can now recognise the triggers,its mainly my mother driving me nuts. I didn't get any specific help with regards to me stopping it was just a gradual process, over time the length between each episode just got longer, I guess it coincided with the right AD, finding a psychiatrist and CPN I could trust and a lot of will power and hard work on my part.

Pussycatmomma your right about children's honesty my nephew is the only person that has asked about the scars and I gave the same explanation as yourself. In the past I've tried a wide range of things some of which now seem bizarre.

I just wanted to share my own experience and send you all my best wishes. Starting again doesn't make anybody a bad person or a failure because you (and I) have had the courage and strength to admit on here that things aren't good at the moment.

blanki · 29/12/2007 20:37

Pussycatmomma, the tops of my hands and inside and outside of both arms, mostly below the elbow, are very visibly scarred with razor etc cuts and variety of 1-3rd degree burns. The other stuff you dont see, except some bits when swimming etc. I used to constantly have my sleeves pulled down over my hands. I used Bio Oil religiously 3-4 times a day for about 9 months and now all the colour (scarlet) is gone and its silver like. Since having my ds, things are quite different. I no longer try to hide. At toddler groups, where there is much pulling up of sleeves, I am not aware of any stares.I guess because its so bad I do look that Ive been in some kind of accident or skin condition. I am not proud of what I did, but neither am I ashamed. The deliberate self injury was simply a symptomn of a much bigger illness. I honestly was so lucky to escape with my life. I am very grateful for all the excellent help I recieved in hospital and in the years that followed my discharge. Im not back at work yet (horror!) but building myself up to it! I think that ds will grow up to be a very sensitive, understanding individual who offers others respect and looks beyond stereotypes. I think I am a much better person now than before I got ill and now I am involved in voluntary work offering hope and supportto anyone who might need it.
Sorry to go on, but I feel so passionataly about us losing the shame and breaking the stigma. We are survivors and we should be proud.
Health and happiness

Original poster
smurfgirl · 29/12/2007 20:39

Hi Morgansauntie.

I never figured how to take razors apart which is no bad thing I suspect! I do feel frustrated at having gone so long and have done quite a nasty little cut today which I am gutted at - and am more gutted that I knew it was not enough.

I am with a service specialising in self harm and have a good relationship with my therapist so I do feel that that side of things is sorted its just sorting my own head out!!

OP posts:
morgansauntie · 29/12/2007 21:47

Smurfgirl they are very hard to take apart and it is a really good thing you haven't worked out how to do it so please please don't start now.

Blanki I found your last post extremely powerful and very moving, I'm behind you 100% with regards to losing the stigma and the shame. As I said previously everybody self harms in different ways I used to cut/burn myself etc but I also used to binge eat which can be classed as a form of self harm. I've spent the past 8 months working for a charity that helped people who have problems with eating/weight, sadly the charity - TOAST closed 2 weeks ago due to lack of funding, very briefly we helped people look at their issues from a psychological perspective as well as a physical one. They were wonderful and gave me help and support during a very difficult time in return I was able to help and support others.

My nephew is now 14 and knows about my depression and self harm, he is so kind, caring and considerate and a fantastic source of help and support - I have a number of physical illnesses as well. I have survived the past 10 years and I'm no longer ashamed to say that I live with a mental illness,in fact I'm quite open and honest about things, apart from with my family I've tried but they don't want to know. I would never have posted on here 18 months ago.

Good luck and best wishes to everyone.

Original poster
smurfgirl · 29/12/2007 22:15

Its hard because i am not ashamed of my past self harm - but I feel ashamed about this now and I am being secretive about it - I have not told anyone (aside from therapist) IRL.

I used to buy razor blades but am determined not to buy them now because its too easy to do too much damage.

OP posts:
pussycatmomma · 30/12/2007 00:10

i just wanted to say i agree with blankis post. I have never hidden the fact that i self harm but have found it very difficult to actually discuss. But i never hid the cuts, stitches etc. Sometimes when they were very raw id cover them up for work but not the fact that i am/was a self harmer. I think i am much more tolerant and open about it than people in my family. I have neice and nephews age 9 now, and from being about 4/5 they have asked and i have been as open as possible without saying i have harmed myself. Its almost like I dont want to put any ideas in their young minds iykwim?? Has anyone else ever had that thought occur to them? my neice in particular is very sensitive and just at that "starting to grow up" age. I know in the future i will have to deal with this with my own child or other children... it is interesting to know other peoples approaches. I work in a public facing job and in the past people comment on the scars, like blankie my whole arm is such a mass of scar tissue (razors and burns) from the very old to the recent, that it does look as if i have had some kind of accident. The people i dont know i can deal with! My friends and family , fine, because they either know and accept it or know and choose not to accept it. But with my child...........my own child.... I know i am thinking far ahead here. I just want to get it right. "Mummy is not a nutcase! Mummy loves you very much.....she just does xxx now and again" hmmmmmmmm. There must be a better version!
xx