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Original poster

self harm

34 replies

smurfgirl · 28/12/2007 18:54

positive stories please

stopped for 3 years, am back cutting and scalding myself which i am gutted at

have dead good professional support and am working through things but feel unbarebly frustrated at the moment

OP posts:
pussycatmomma · 30/12/2007 00:16

and smurfgirl.........(((((hugs to you)))))
Do not be ashamed of it happening now, please.
Have you tried to spk to your partner? when im on a bit of a loopy ride, my dh is more than well aware of it, and even if the s/harm is unnoticed for a day or 2 it always comes out in the end. Is your ptr supportive? sorry stupid quesion. of course he is otherwise you wouldnt be marrying him! sorry,what i mean is, even if you cant talk to him at the time you need to do it, to alleviate it, even if you do self harm, can you talk about it together after the event? When you are feeling a bit more objective??
and a big Well Done on not buying blades any more. It took me a long, long, loooooooong (!) time for me to not have any in the house, or in my bag or hidden in my desk at work. Even when I had not harmed myself in a long while, I still had to have them around me. I suppose i was testing myself in a way, or maybe some kind of security thing. I knew they were there if i needed them.
Am pleased to say have not had a packet for over 2 years.

im glad i found you ladies.
smurfgirl , hope it may possibly help to know there are others in similar situations.

tyeanddye · 30/12/2007 15:51

Hi,thought id pop in with a recovery story,but its not a recovery i would recommend.....i have lost some function in my left hand and arm due to a severe SH episode whilst still with XP...they can replace tendon but refuse because im not "impaired"enough!
This was in April 2007,and i havent cut since.and as i left xp in june.well......i dont see it happening again.

Original poster
smurfgirl · 30/12/2007 18:52

Oh tyeanddye I am glad you are in a better place.

I feel very twitchy at the moment which is a bit scary - I really want to do something big which is hard to control.

DF is a lovely sweetie but I can't tell him about the SI. Then it all feels real.

I did my worst yet (of this time) earlier and afterwards all I could think was stupid stupid girl.

I have a lovely fiance, lovely friends, a lovely house and a promising future. So why am I fucking myself up?

Sorry this is all doom and gloom.

OP posts:
tyeanddye · 30/12/2007 20:22

My episodes were not triggered in the same way.....SH wasnt something i felt as a compulsion until a row triggered the desperation,and ive likened it to a "bucket of water"...like a sharp shock to ground myself again.But the last time was so severe,so much more serious than ever before,that its stopped me in my tracks(i hope)My arm and hand are weaker than before and i drop things constantly....have trouble opening the thumb out,tying my daighters hair back.opening jars,driving,carrying shopping etc....the list of things i now struggle with sound trivial,but theyre not to me,because i was that ill,i did it to myself,i wasnt injured by an accident,i was injured by emotional illness in the midst of a destructive and abusive relationship.I have to reconcile the physical damage as well as the emotional every day.
smurf,be very careful honey,im 38,and have alot of years left to regret the damage i have done to myself,its such a tiny scar comparatively too,A and E thoughtthe more obvious cuts were the culprit,the one that severed the tendon to my thumb is tiny.
I dont know why you are doing it,or feeling like you are,but i hope you can pull yourself back,xx

Original poster
smurfgirl · 30/12/2007 21:07

I don't always know why I self harm. I use it to calm me down when my brain is full of stuff I can't deal with which seems to be a lot these days. But recently I have used it as punishment so its all mixed up at the moment.

Am not cutting my arms at all. Never touched my hands/wrists.

Sorry about the damage tyedye, I did a few cuts that I look back on and think how stupid I was.

OP posts:
tyeanddye · 31/12/2007 15:44

I wish you well,dont forget,it was very easy,my injury,and nerves and tendons are easier to damage than we assume?
Good luck,x

hellobellosback · 04/01/2008 11:24

I think the guilt is very much part of the problem. When I was very young, I used to pull my hair out. I never quite worked out that for strangling to work, the rope had to go round your neck rather than your middle, and my eating was a disaster for many many years. My eating is now perfectly alright and I do not try to strangle myself. Nor do I pull my hair out.

My recovery was helped enormously by Prozac and lots and lots of therapy of one sort or another. I think we get better at getting better, and the gaps between episodes get longer. I still drink too much, but in some ways I'm gettting better at not bashing myself up so totally with alcohol.

I hope you are feeling a bit better.

lucyellensmum · 04/01/2008 11:42

smurfgirl, i just want to add my support, dont have time to post much just now, just to say, ive been there, did so for about a year, never felt the urge again. I am on ADs for PND but never felt the urge to self harm, thank god. Is there any medication that might help?? you CAN get through this, you need to find another way to feel in control

hanaflower · 04/01/2008 11:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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