Do therapists genuinely never judge?

[michtyaye]

I’m tying myself in knots a bit .

I’ve a therapy appointment tomorrow, we usually discuss the week before what we’ll talk about the next week so can both think about it a bit before hand .

Anyway … part of the difficulty is around shame and sex . I find it very, very difficult to accept sex and intimacy; to not feel dirty or guilty or revolted . Various reasons including sexual abuse .

I’m horrendously embarrassed to admit that I used compulsive masturbation in my teens . I have never discussed it properly with another human, I can’t get the words out as I’m scared how they’d react . It causes me horrendous guilt and shame in my mind . I wrote it down in an email to therapist, and I’ve been cringing since .

I don’t think my therapist will be judging me, I hope not, but I cannot get the thought off my mind . I know I’ve done the right thing by unloading but I’m so scared to talk, in case in her mind she’s offended or disgusted . I’m not sure how best to handle it all or what to do . Have a feeling I’m going to clam up totally on the phone call .

They're human, we all judge other people at times. But would they judge you about something they know makes you feel shame? No, absolutely not. More likely they'll think it positive that you felt you could open up to them about it.

I think they’d judge in a way if you’d hurt someone/murdered a person. But honestly, this is not an awful thing or a huge problem. It must also be quite common in situations such as yours. I wouldn’t worry about it if possible and would congratulate yourself for having the courage to open up.

If the therapist is offended or disgusted you need to find a new therapist.
Part of the training is to be non-judgemental. Therapists are also trained to work with guilt and shame.
Well done for taking the first step- I hope it goes well.

In all honesty, they've likely heard much weirder, more unusual and more damaging things. As PP say, they are human. They're not completely unshockable. But I really doubt this would register.

I am not a therapist, but I don't feel shocked or revolted or judgemental. You weren't hurting anybody; it was a very natural response to terrible things that were done to you against your will. It makes complete sense that you'd look for control over your own body as a way to help yourself. You are human and you were the victim of terrible acts and you coped as best you could.

Your therapist won’t be judging you. They’ll be looking at your thoughts, feelings and behaviours.

Well done for sharing.

If you aren’t comfortable with sharing more then say so but it’s a really good opportunity to work through that guilt and shame. It’s also really common.

There really is no judgement.
If you do notice yourself thinking 'gosh this is unfamiliar territory' or 'hmm that is different to how I might act in x situation' you use reflection to work through it and you can bring it to your supervisor.
As well as being non judgemental you have unconditional positive regard so you don't think badly of the person you are working with at all.
You're far more likely to think 'they were doing their best in x situation which sounds awfully tricky' and feel empathy.

They will have heard much, much, much, much, much worse. Trust me.

Therapists are human, of course, and I'm sure there would be certain things that they would judge, but not what you're concerned about. You haven't done anything wrong, you haven't hurt anyone. You have nothing to be ashamed about.

I’ll talk to her

Thank you . I don’t remember much details but I remember GP at the time saying she suspected abuse, symptoms and behaviours matched up to it . The way I felt, the way I feel now, the way I behaved all matches .

I went on holiday with my father once and I came back hysterical . I’ve been told that certainly close female family strongly suspect my dad did something . But if he did I can’t remember . I think he did stuff before . I remember things from a young age that frighten me dreadfully and things a child shouldn’t have known about .

He has done other stuff since - not physical but he has been very inappropriate (asking me about my sex life, for details).

I’m terrified that by talking I’m opening a can of worms but I feel safe with therapist mostly, I’m just scared of telling her this; she’s a lovely person and I don’t want to have to tell her horrible things .

If she is affected by what you tell her, she can access support through supervision.
It might be good if you feel ok to talk to her about almost wanting to protect her as she could explore that with you.
It's a very common feeling. I get it if I have therapy. You will be able to get past it.

I’m terrified that by talking I’m opening a can of worms but I feel safe with therapist mostly, I’m just scared of telling her this; she’s a lovely person and I don’t want to have to tell her horrible things

Well that can of worms is all going around in your head right now and of course you have lots of mixed up thoughts and feelings.

So it can help to get things out of your head in a safe place. If it’s too much you can leave it all in the therapy room and come back to it later when it feels ok. You don’t have to carry it around with you all the time.

If she’s lovely and a good therapists then she’s the IDEAL person to talk to about this. She won’t judge you and she will help you talk it through.

If it’s too hard to say the words out loud then you can write it down and show her or show her this thread.

You can stop talking about it at any time if it’s too hard. Remember you are in control now.

It’s Ok not to remember things - what happened or when. It’s not a court of law , which is all about establishing facts. This is about you and your feelings and thoughts.

She won’t be angry if you can’t remember and it’s all mixed up in your head. She will believe you and accept you.

Believe me, the therapist will have heard similar stories - and worse. And the therapist wants to hear your story, because they know that you cannot heal unless you first admit that you have been hurt.

She won't judge you OP.
I imagine she respects you and will feel proud that you're able to open up with her and trust her. But she probably won't say that as she'll want to keep the focus on you.

Good luck with it all. It sounds promising.

I know how it must feel to you OP, but your therapist will have heard all that and more trust me. This will be peanuts to them and they honestly won't judge you for it.

Op I can completely understand why you’d feel terribly embarrassed telling her, but compulsive masturbation is not going to register at all on her ‘shock’ scale. It’s not the slightest bit disgusting or disturbing, she’s not going to judge you for it.

Thank you, yes it’s been bubbling in my head for years, I’m wondering if more is coming back because I’m feeling safe with her . I’ve never had therapy before where I’ve felt safe enough to confide things properly .

Just wanted to say thank you for the lovely posts on here, I’ve been scared to talk about this for years and years thinking I did something awful, it’s such a relief to read understanding if you see what I mean . I’ve listed the things that confuse/worry me and I’ll explain to therapist . Hopefully she can help me begin to understand a bit

Any decent therapist will not judge you on this. I've been scared to bring things up in case of judgement but my counsellor told me it's very very difficult to judge a client.

The way he put it was when someone is sitting there, making themselves so vulnerable to him, how can he possibly not feel compassion for them? You can't not bond with someone in that situation. It's a huge show of trust that he says often makes him feel quite protective of that client.

Thankfully she didn’t judge, she was wonderful, and she explained that I don’t necessarily need to fully remember or recall child sexual abuse to have an inkling of something happening, and the most likely explanation for what I was talking about was sexual abuse, and that it made sense where that could come from . She couldn’t have been more lovely . I’m absolutely exhausted beyond belief but so relieved to have talked about things that I’ve kept hidden a very long time .

So glad it went well and she was lovely.
Emotions can be exhausting- I hope you've managed to have a quiet evening to relax.
I hope the rest of the sessions go well.

Oh definitely . I’m outing myself massively if she reads this (I’m not sure if she’s a mnetter!) but it was our last session; it’s taken me nine months to build up the courage to talk about that subject . So it’s a huge mixture of emotions . I’m going to miss her like crazy . She said she was sending me a big cuddle through the phone which was lovely . I think she’s wanting to pass me onto specialised therapy so will be carrying on with mental health work just probably a different sort .

Yes, they will judge. We all judge, it's human nature. But her training will have taught her to put that aside and to not base her support on her judgements. How well a therapist an do that is one measure of how good they are. It's not about the therapist, it's about you.

Well done op.

I don't think anyone will judge you by the way. I'm glad you felt safe. It's a shame it was the last session. Have you got your next ones set up?

Therapy is exhausting. You sound like it's been a real benefit to you and you have come so far. Be proud of yourself!

Everyone judges,that's how we get through life. We judge if situations are safe etc, we use judgement all the time.

A therapist wants to help,that is their entire focus to help the person they're seeing so they're won't be any judgement in the way you are thinking,they will just want to help you move forward.

Well done 💐

That will teach me not to read the thread