Do therapists genuinely never judge?

[michtyaye]

I’m tying myself in knots a bit .

I’ve a therapy appointment tomorrow, we usually discuss the week before what we’ll talk about the next week so can both think about it a bit before hand .

Anyway … part of the difficulty is around shame and sex . I find it very, very difficult to accept sex and intimacy; to not feel dirty or guilty or revolted . Various reasons including sexual abuse .

I’m horrendously embarrassed to admit that I used compulsive masturbation in my teens . I have never discussed it properly with another human, I can’t get the words out as I’m scared how they’d react . It causes me horrendous guilt and shame in my mind . I wrote it down in an email to therapist, and I’ve been cringing since .

I don’t think my therapist will be judging me, I hope not, but I cannot get the thought off my mind . I know I’ve done the right thing by unloading but I’m so scared to talk, in case in her mind she’s offended or disgusted . I’m not sure how best to handle it all or what to do . Have a feeling I’m going to clam up totally on the phone call .

I’m a therapist with a specialism in sexual trauma. Sadly this is much more common than most people think so will very likely not be the first time she’s heard it by a long way.

I’m glad you felt able to tell her and that it was helpful to you. Although I do slightly judge her for the ‘big cuddle’ comment, that’s a bit much and not something I would ever say to a client but if you liked it then that’s the main thing!

@JudyGemstone

I’m a therapist with a specialism in sexual trauma. Sadly this is much more common than most people think so will very likely not be the first time she’s heard it by a long way.

I’m glad you felt able to tell her and that it was helpful to you. Although I do slightly judge her for the ‘big cuddle’ comment, that’s a bit much and not something I would ever say to a client but if you liked it then that’s the main thing!

Thank you

Is it normal to not remember or have any idea of what happened? I only have a handful of ‘flashes’ in my head and they’re too vague to understand - and knowing that my early childhood was very chaotic and involved a lot of dealings with social work, carers, childminders, befrienders, foster care, health visiting. I remember having to see the doctor as I had endless infections and pain and they thought I was maybe being abused .

I have no idea who, what, when, where except for those two flashes that on their own might be nothing at all . It’s frightened me quite a bit that something could have happened to me to cause those feelings that I don’t remember properly at all . I remember lots of my childhood in vivid detail but this isn’t there . That’s upsetting me a bit - I don’t understand it .

Hi, yes it’s really normal not to have coherent, chronological memories of abuse. Trauma memories by nature are fragmented and sometimes even sensory/visceral rather than cognitive eg ‘emotional flashbacks’.

This can make it very difficult for clients going through the criminal justice system as the law likes certainty and proof.

This link explains how sexual trauma impacts on memory, it’s not an easy read but might help normalise some of what you’re experiencing.

www.justice.gc.ca/eng/rp-pr/jr/trauma/p4.html

Just to say @JudyGemstone, all that very much resonates with me as an adult victim of sexual assault. I was altered during it, but the memory is still fragmented and consists of sensory flashes that I have had to put together as a jigsaw. Even at the end of that process I have big holes in the memory. It's so incredibly unsettling and disorienting not to be able to rely on your memory. Memory is all we have to make sense of ourselves as a human and navigate the world and when I was working through all of this, there were times that I felt the floor was literally dissolving from under my feet.

Wishing you the best in your healing OP.

[quote JudyGemstone]Hi, yes it’s really normal not to have coherent, chronological memories of abuse. Trauma memories by nature are fragmented and sometimes even sensory/visceral rather than cognitive eg ‘emotional flashbacks’.

This can make it very difficult for clients going through the criminal justice system as the law likes certainty and proof.

This link explains how sexual trauma impacts on memory, it’s not an easy read but might help normalise some of what you’re experiencing.

www.justice.gc.ca/eng/rp-pr/jr/trauma/p4.html[/quote]
Thank you , have done some very careful googling this afternoon and a lot of reading . I can’t explain the relief realising that I’m not some sort of weird person; that I was using a very natural coping mechanism to cope with horrendously difficult things .

I could cry with relief .

Therapist said to try and approach all parts of my younger self with compassion and care and love rather than shame and anger .