Emotional resiliance, the causes, and the effect upon your behavior.

[colditz]

Some people are more emotionally fragile than others ... are devastated for weeks by a gang of teenagers shouting something at them. Others would just think 'Twats' and move on. Others would shout obscenities back, and fume for days ... and still others wouldn't even notice.

Why is this? What causes these huge gulfs between people's personalities? How can we raise our children to be resiliant? How can we become more resiliant ourselves?

It certainly is a mixture: some people who have suffered trauma in childhood become incredibly resilient, others who have suffered similar trauma do not. I have a friend who has lots of mental health problems and so does her brother, their mother does not AFAIK suffer from any named mental health issue but seems to be fairly weak and dependent, and my friend has told me that one of her uncles suffered severe mental health problems and died in an asylum.

emotional resilience and dismissiveness are not the same thing

emotional resilience comes from extremely secure attachment....opposite of pull your socks up and get on with it....in childhood

detached and dismissive defences, can look like emotional resilience but are often the result of the opposite: neglect or trauma

Also, if emotional resilience is hindered by bad parenting, can kindness or closeness with somene who is not a parent help develop it? IE the child who has seriously bad parents (addicts, abusers) or grows up in care develop emotional resilience through a relationship with a cousin, grandparent or teacher?

Nature would explain why there is often a 'black sheep' in families. But again, you don't think we assume their character and raise them accordingly?

And as soap box said, someone with high self esteem/worth would dismiss a taunt because they found it totally removed from reality/truth whereas someone with low self esteem would hold on to the pain wondering why the person said it etc.

Oooh good thread.

I have thought about this A LOT.

I have changed the way I deal with things, and I am certainly more emotionally resiliant than my mother. I recognise that my older brother is like my mother though. The best way to describe them is that everything seems so personal to them, and they seem to read so much more into an action than is, perhaps, what I would consider normal. This causes them a great deal of discontent, obviously. I, therefore, am considered (by them), as perhaps less "caring". Which couldnt be further from the truth. I am just not suspicious of peoples actions (gullible, possibly?), and I can laugh things off quite easily.

After having DD, I recognised that her character seemed to mirror mine (innate shyness, apparent introversion etc). Through various thought processes, and reading literature on it, I began to realise that her character (and mine) were not "problems" to solve.

As such, I have embraced her characteristics, and done my best to make her feel comfortable with herself, her feelings, and dealing with her environment, and situations arising.

She has gone to school, she has easily made friends, and, whilst she still sits on the sidelines to observe for a while, she'll still get involved. I feel very proud of her (and myself too I guess), and believe it is more how I have dealt with her so far, than anything else. I hope it is anyway. It means I still have the power to change things if I need to

I would say I've got good emotional resilience, to an extent down to my parents who were endlessly encouraging and have always demonstrated unconditional love - the most important things you can do for your children imo.

My big issue though is being overly concerned and endlessly analytical about what other people think of me which makes me overthink things and with a tendency to be socially awkward. This is largely down to my mother's own tendency to do this and her emphasis on appearances and "good" behaviour in public when we were children. I'm desperate to ensure that ds escapes this but am already aware of my anxiousness that people think that he is "good" - it's difficult and very ingrained.

An interesting example of my mother's viewpoint - I remember when we were on holiday once she commented that Dutch children were ill-mannered and boisterous (the horror ) and yet Dutch adults were lovely people.

Basically, the children were just being kids and the adults weren't concerning themselves too much that they were being loud, a bit annoying and in your face. I wonder if that meant they grew up finding out about acceptable social behaviour as a consequence of their actions and therefore became confident, well-adjusted adults.

In contrast, I was impeccably behaved but basically following a set of rules and it's taken a lot of work for me to become confident as an adult.

This is garbled and I find it hard to say what I mean...And my mum's nowhere near as bad as I've just made her sound!

Sophable, I always really enjoy reading your contributions to these kind of threads (and I always end up agreeing with you)

I am extremely resilient and I don't think it's down to my upbringing, I was born to a mother who didn't want any girls and wasted no time at all in telling me, we had a terrible relationship when I was younger. And we now get along famously, I wouldn't be without her and I feel no malice toward her about it either, I think she was badly depressed, she suffered terribly with the menopause and was born into a family that thought having a penis meant you were akin to a deity.
I was born with an innate self confidence, I quite like myself and I've never had therapy, so the only thing I can put it down to is nature.

I imagine nature & nurture both have their part to play, they are so deeply entwined, having confident resilient parents may mean you inherit those genes but how do you seperate those inherited behavioural traits from learned behaviour?

But I do believe being able to maintain a sense of perspective helps, a little toughening up & a few knocks on the way can help.. too many knocks & you risk ending up an emotional mess...equally growing up so overprotected that you can't cope with any negative experience does nothing to equip you for adult life & the inevitable rollercoaster.

Regardless of nature or nurture, its all our fault -I blame the parents!

this is very interesting my second pregnancy was twins. the Eldest child is the stereotypical eldest who takes resposnability - etc. highly resilient but my first born twin - a girl - who when one looks at it should be stereotypical middle child - she isnt - she is first born girl and act like stereotypical first born - my youngest son is what one would consider the stereotypical 'middle' child - quieter etc.

all trez ineresting when put together with - i was an only child. i witness my father die when i was 4. my mother was grief stricken for the rest of her life. mental illness and severe depression. but we lived with my Nan - who took over the mother role and i was spoiled as a child - but becuase of my experiences and the strange environment in which i grew up - i was an introverted, quiet child and teenager

now i grew into resilience when i had three children under 21 and a DH who was a total shit. i learned to grow up and rely on me. i learned not to let things phase me, the nly person who can make things bettter....yip that'll be me. i am my only constant. i can only ever truly rely on me so i need to be strong.

what a load of garbled shite." how custy became fucked up..a complete history!"

I think part of what makes a person emotionally resilient is having one place or thing or person that they can always go to for comfort (knowing you are good at something or can achieve something is intensely strengthening) - and also, having the experience of overcoming or surviving a problem and being admired for doing so. I remain optimistic because nothing insurmountably bad has ever happened to me - and I tend to repeat to myself in times of bad shit that 'this too will pass' - the most comforting mantra in the world.

Well it depends what's meant by pulling your socks up. My mother allowed no wallowing as I said earlier (which I think is a good thing) nor any spoiled bratness and definitely no preciousness but I knew innately that I (only child, if I'd had siblings it would have been the same for them) came before work, well anything else really. I've always known that if I need her my Mum is there and she still is. She's immensely unselfish, especially when it comes to me/my family. So she;s the one who comes in every day after work (she works full time) to help out in our difficult situation (and it's not necessarily fun in this house and she often goes home with bruises). There's no martyrdom though, and there's no waiting for some sort of payoff or favour in return; she does it because she wants to.

Perhaps that's where the resilience comes from? Knowing that there was always someone unconditional there for me growing up. I think it was a good start, and then dealing with life's shitty stuff was just the last bit that had to be learned.

oh I think i've just written the same as madamez,

yes I do that as well madamez. I now sit and wait for the difficult stuff to pass.

Yurt: I think your'e right about the 'no wallowing' thing: I reckon there are times when too much sympathy (oh you poor thing, how will you ever cope) is the opposite of helpful, and someone who has a brisk manner but who also rolls up his/her sleeves and gets stuck in to helping you can be more use than someone who passes you more tissues with a trembling lower lip.

Hmm, I do think that experience plays a large part aswell, thinking about it. I consider myself very fortunate but I have made some bad choices in my life (like a lot of people) and I've lived in youth hostels and met people who've led far worse lives than I. Even so I'm fairly streetwise, certainly compared to a lot of my peers at the school gates. And like custardo says that influences a lot of your outlook on life too.

And I've been lucky to meet a man who's turned out to be an (almost) perfect husband and father and who loves me totally.

yes yes madamez- that's my Mum I guess. Whilst she's telling me to get on with it she is at the same time doing practical helpful stuff (without being asked), and also agreeing in a kind of 'yes it is unfair but that's the way it is and you can't do anything about it' type way.

I find being accused of wallowing when I feel like crap makes me worse.

When dp left me when my ds was 18 months old, it was all I could do to get up every morning. I couldn't help it, I just felt atrocious.

Would someone with a physical injury rather than a pscyhological (sp?) injury be accused of wallowing?

have skimmed so forgive omissions.

joppe thanks! i really need some tlc today so was heartened by your post.

madamez....ABSOLUTELY. children will get by on the merest sliver of anything secure....does NOT have to be (fuckwit) parents....a grandparent, uncle, aunt, teacher will do....but has to be early on imo.

x

Fizzbuzz: I don't think that anyone was saying that feeling like crap is always wallowing, more that some people kind of encourage wallowing (ie by wanting to go over and over the details of your trauma with you or telling you to release your feelings when you'd rather put the trauma aside for a while) and that this isn't always helpful.
It is, of course, equally possible to be too robust in dealing with someone who's suffering, but then it's all a matter of dealing with different situations differently. because the same method doesn't work for everyone all the time.

I've never been depressed so I don't know how she would have dealt with me had I been.

I'm not talking about having a mental or psychological illness, I'm talking about dealing with life shit stuff. Like yesterday l after ds1 had blown up the 2nd kettle in 2 weeks and alsmot caused a major accident I made a remark about him 'being like a 2 year old' (to my Mum, not in his earshot). It was said in a vaguely 'poor me and what I am dealing with type way' because he is being a bloody nightmare at the moment, and she did not let the comment pass: fixed with a beady eye and a 'now that's not fair, he understands a lot' (he is severely autistic and has severe learning difficulties). I am not allowed to go down the 'poor me' route on anything to do with ds1 and I think that has been really helpful in dealing with and coming to terms with his disability. I AM allowed to moan. So wandering around the house saying 'god no wonder I drink' is acceptable as is saying I'm tired etc. But "poor me' in relation to life events. No absolutely not. And I do know many others who have had to (and do) deal with far more and remembering them helps as well.

Actually thought of another thing. Having people around me in the same/sameish situation helps enormously. when something shit happens to someone I always tell them to seek out someone else as well, because they'll 'get it' in the way that someone who hasn't been through that can't. I have a particular friend who has a very similar child to ds1 and we talk on the phone at least 5 days every week. That helps too.

Yurt your posts remind me of a very effective counsellor I saw when my first marriage had broken up. I was full of the woe is me shit and said 'why me?' and she jabbed straight back with 'a very significant proportion of marriages end in divorce - why not you?'.

I was so full of all my friends going on about what a shit my exh was and how much I didn't deserve it, that I was being given permission to wallow. The counsellor instead thought it was time to make a plan as to how to move on, things being what they were!

A lesson well and truely learnt!