How to deal with my disappointment over friend while I have cancer?

[WhatLiesAhead]

I've rewritten this thread several times as I just sounded petulant. I also sounded like a child saying he did that and he didn't do that blah blah

So for anyone who has had cancer or similar serious health issue, and has felt really let down by someone you thought of as a good friend, how did you deal with it?
I appreciate I'm maybe rather sensitive atm. I've also got a lot of time on my hands to worry. But it's really really bugging me how this friend has just been so lacking.
And I understand people can't deal with it, don't know what to say etc etc, but we had a really close friendship and I thought they'd be much more emotionally literate. I'm very open, I've not shied away from talking or people. I've made it very clear I want company, either physically or via messages. But this friend is just sending occasional very superficial messages.

How do I move on from this bugging me? Do I tell them (and risk a row) - they live a long way away so it wouldn't be face to face. Or do I just suck it up? Can a friendship be the same after one feels really let down by the other?

This is just one friend. I am surrounded by many many people who have been simply amazing. Which makes me even more annoyed at myself for wasting energy being annoyed at them!

Any insights would be gratefully received.

Oh @WhatLiesAhead how hurtful.

Not me-but when my DH was diagnosed with leukaemia I was astonished at both ppl I assumed would be by our side through it all and weren't there at all as well as unexpected support from others that really helped.

I really struggled with lack of emotional support from his parents-who we lived 5 mins from in the area he grew up. I had no family or friends nearby. What I came to see is that they could not offer me emotional support (I sat by his bedside in hospital for 6 months the first time he was admitted) but they could do laundry and practical things and that I couldn't look for support from people who just didn't have it in them to give-very old school emotionally. Their way of showing support was different and i realised that I had to spread who I got help from and see the value of different peoples contributions.

I had some friends- one in particular-who were very close to both of us who were silent and later said she just didn't know what to do so she did nothing and sees now how hurtful and wrong it was.

Easier said than done but don't waste your valuable energy being upset. I doubt such a good friend would want that. Concentrate on the people how can help, support, feed you, laugh, cry and take strength from them.

Sending you positive energy and strength.

Echo pp. it is always surprising who comes up trumps in a crisis and who doesn’t.
They may feel helpless and not know what to say or do. I know I always really struggle to write cards etc to folk without sounding false or insincere.
They are probably struggling with what to do. Hard, but try and give them some latitude. And 🌺🌺🌺

I've not had cancer but I've had two bouts of serious trauma in my life and one of those was an illness that could have been terminal and was life changing (encephalitis) I had several 'friends ' who didn't understand my illness and were very generic in their communication. I heard every cliche in the book and got very fed up with it and them. Some I still don't speak to years later.

Like everything in life. Find and embrace comfort and support wherever you can. I still live by that and I haven't got time for people who haven't got time for me. Good luck and take care.

Not a serious serious illness, but I have an auto immune disease and neurological issues that are being investigated and have been very unwell and bed bound for a few months.
I thought I could count on a good friend of mine, but she instantly backed off and then complained we had grown apart a week ago... . I decided not to bother, she clearly didn't get it and I refuse to be made to feel bad.
I would do the same in your shoes, don't let it bother you. Sod them and concerate on you and your recovery.

People may just think it is rude to crowd you, and if their understanding of their position in your life is different from your understanding, then maybe they expect that there are many other people more important to you who you want to be supported by, rather than them

My DH was very ill a number of years ago. School mums who were only nodding acquaintances were brilliant emotional and practical help for me and the kids...

My oldest friend who is local, known since child etc I was her only adult bridesmaid and she was mine, godparent to kids...... Didn't even ask how was after told...he could gave died... Nothing was going on with her (as far as I'm aware)... Its years later but that fundamentally changed our relationship...

As PP have said... Don't dwell on it, be thankful for the support you do have... And good luck to you..

Thank you for your replies. It really is helpful

I guess I'm just surprised as normally we are able to articulate how we feel and support each other. But this time as an example - I let them know my surgery date (a couple of weeks ahead) and said the waiting and worrying was quite hard and I really appreciated any distractions/messages. No response. Next message was a WhatsApp 2 days post op saying "Hi, hope all went ok x"

Ah well, I'll just try not to dwell on it and just comfort myself with how bloody amazing most people are. Including teenage dc's friends who are so open, bring round chocolate or a coffee etc 😊

And btw I am doing great. About to start radiotherapy but feeling strong. The end of treatment is looming 🤞

Not the same but similar I suppose… I lost a very close relative last week. I haven’t had so much as a text from my 3 closest friends since Sunday. I am heartbroken if I’m honest not only from the bereavement but from their complete lack of interest

I had cancer last year and I completely understand where you're coming from. I felt very let down by two people I considered to be close friends. Didn't mind continuing to ask me for favours though 🤷🏻‍♀️. What I did was focus on the masses of support I did get from others and one particular friend who absolutely went above and beyond for me and my little boy. I realise my situation was slightly different as I was diagnosed 3 days before lockdown 1 and that did make it difficult to rely on people but many stepped up regardless. I will not be so quick to be so accommodating in future.

I do think that some people really struggle and don't know what to do. I remember when my late MIL was diagnosed just after I lost my own Munro cancer and I really struggled to be as supportive as I perhaps should have. It just felt far too much and too raw. Humans are complicated creatures!

Try not to dwell, focus on your own recovery and seek some counselling via Macmillan. They are amazing and will help put things into perspective. I wish you a speedy recovery

Munro = mum to 🙄. What an awful typo 🤣

@thesandwich

Echo pp. it is always surprising who comes up trumps in a crisis and who doesn’t. They may feel helpless and not know what to say or do. I know I always really struggle to write cards etc to folk without sounding false or insincere. They are probably struggling with what to do. Hard, but try and give them some latitude. And 🌺🌺🌺

This. I’ve not had cancer but several family crises. There’s always a surprise - someone you hardly know who turns out to be a rock. And someone you thought you would be there for you and isn’t .

And yes it does change friendships in the long term, I’m afraid. However much you try, you can’t forget that they let you down at a time when you were vulnerable.

If it's any consolation, I'm currently on my second lot of chemo for an issue which has reoccurred. This time, I chose to only tell my husband, son, Pastor and one close friend. Said friend messaged me within 5 minutes cancelling theatre plans we had made claiming they were 'double booked '. I took this at face value and gave her the benefit of the doubt despite her having form for being flaky. On the day of our original plans, she posted photos of her elsewhere. This event was only announced AFTER she had cancelled me (I had suspicions so did some research). At no point has she enquired about my treatment or wellbeing. I can't really give it too much headspace right now but we are done.
Hugs to everyone else who is discovering that some folk are just a waste of space.

Iv experienced this too. My first round with cancer, one person said, "oh, you'll be fine" and promptly changed the subject. The second I told on the phone ( we lived 250+ miles away) said "I cannot deal with this", and hung up. To his credit, the second friend rang me back the following day to day sorry. I'm sorry you are going through this too, and I wish you a good recovery.

I haven't spoken to the first friend since.

I'm in a similar situation today. Earlier this week, my adult daughter intervened on her own in the early hours when a man was raping a woman. Of course, there followed police interviews and statement, e fit and a line up.

DD is an adult, and has no regrets about what she did, but it was still traumatic for her. When I emailed one friend for a little emotional support, she didn't reply. Five days later, a little worried about her lack of response , I contacted her again. She replied saying she saying, she had been looking after her grandchildren, so was too tired to reply🤔.

As others have said, it's only when things get difficult you find out which friends deserve your time and affection and which ones are fairweather friends. A valuable lesson, I find.

Not a serious illness but a bad injury. 2 of my very good friends let me down. I don’t speak to them anymore, I couldn’t get over it.
Wishing you the best

I'm sorry, that's so hard, but glad you're feeling positive about bigger picture.

I've been mulling over your post, because I have been through serious illness and had that disappointment of people who just brush you off with 'oh, it'll be fine' or whatever. It's quite a lonely feeling realising the only person you can rely upon is yourself and does anybody even care what happens to you. That's what distressed me more than anything, that sense of aloneness in the world and vulnerability more than anything specific.

But at the same time, I've been through a really traumatic experience with a loved one who had cancer, and I don't cope very well when other people are going through it now - however, reflecting as I read this thread, I don't think I've done the 'oh, it'll be fine' to other people because I am very aware of how much that would hurt them. Even if I can't step up I am more considerate with my words than that.

I tend to try and be the best friend I can to them - rather than distancing or disengaging - and then crumble in private. I know that I am not able to support people as well as I wish I could though. Certain aspects of it probably are too triggering for me to be as supportive as I'd like, but I would hope I wouldn't end up being so casual as 'hope it went ok' several days later - because I do still care.

I can imagine though that other people who step back or get it wrong do so because of their own traumas rather than because they don't care.

It's hard. When someone disappoints you like that you don't always know if it's because they're an arse, they don't care, they don't have any comprehension /empathy of what you're going through, they do care but can't cope, they care but don't know how to support...

Somebody once said to me that some of the reactions you receive to serious illness are more about the other person trying to make it ok because they're so frightened and are trying to make it ok. They become over-casual about it and almost dismissive because they're trying to make it seem like a smaller and less scary thing. But that ends up hurting you.

I think it does change friendships, but it doesn't have to end them (unless they have been deliberately / outright callous like some examples here). Some friends are great for any crisis, some friends are great for particular crises, some friends are only great when things are great - so you just learn to match your connections to the situation, but yeh, some turn out not to really be friends sadly.

Dh has a long standing serious illness which requires bouts of active treatment. It's not friends with us but his parents who were breath takingly awful during the last lot of treatment. The relationship never recovered and we barely speak to any of the in laws now.

Something else just occurred to me. At one point I remember trying to find some info online that I could send to everyone to explain my condition so they'd understand it and how they can help or should approach the situation. Then I thought, we have the same internet and the same access to information so if they really wanted to know they could easily find out for themselves

Thank you all for taking your time to offer your insights and share your experiences .

I am normally the strong one, the mother hen, in control, the one who is the constant, the level person, the reliable one who is always there and is a fount of wisdom....to this friend. I wonder, as User suggested above, they can't deal with me being in a weak position, not my normal self, and that I may not make it (though I did make it very clear this has been caught very early and is unlikely to see me off any time soon). I wonder if it's a protective instinct, self preservation, a sort of metaphorically putting your fingers in your ears and going blah blah blah so as not to have to deal with it and the possible trauma.

But thank you again for replying and for your good wishes.
My best wishes to everyone who is or has had to deal with difficult health or other issues

@WhatLiesAhead

Thank you all for taking your time to offer your insights and share your experiences .

I am normally the strong one, the mother hen, in control, the one who is the constant, the level person, the reliable one who is always there and is a fount of wisdom....to this friend. I wonder, as User suggested above, they can't deal with me being in a weak position, not my normal self, and that I may not make it (though I did make it very clear this has been caught very early and is unlikely to see me off any time soon). I wonder if it's a protective instinct, self preservation, a sort of metaphorically putting your fingers in your ears and going blah blah blah so as not to have to deal with it and the possible trauma.

But thank you again for replying and for your good wishes.
My best wishes to everyone who is or has had to deal with difficult health or other issues

My own view is that it just scares people, if it can happen to you, it can happen to them. I experienced similar behaviour when my husband left me. Like you I am the strong, get on with it type. I'm a 50 odd year old single mother to a 10 year old ASD child. Breast cancer somehow made some people go weird! Yet I've been absolutely fine all the way through and I'm now out the other side and very well. I think because I'm a fitness freak and look after myself, it made those who don't behave in an utterly peculiar fashion 🤷🏻‍♀️. I also recently had a conversation with a school mum who said she'd not asked because noticed I still had my hair so couldn't be that ill 🤣. I just had success with the cooling cap throughout chemo and managed to hang onto my hair.

There is no accounting for folk. Try not to take it personally, it's their issue, not yours.

Keep on keeping on! 💪

@mrsnec

Something else just occurred to me. At one point I remember trying to find some info online that I could send to everyone to explain my condition so they'd understand it and how they can help or should approach the situation. Then I thought, we have the same internet and the same access to information so if they really wanted to know they could easily find out for themselves

I agree with this to an extend except I had one friend "do a google" when I explained my diagnosis who messaged me to say how very sorry she was at such bad news. My position was curative and she had fallen down a google rabbit hole of misinformation. I chose to do a period post on Facebook with facts which meant I wasn't having the same conversation on repeat and was actually relevant to only me.

I'm so sorry for my typos, I really should read before I post. I meant I chose to do a "periodic" post. Hopefully the rest is self explanatory. I'm so tired 🤣

TheFormidableMrsC oh yes of course, you haven't lost your hair so of course it can't be that bad I'm sorry you had to deal with that garbage

Also doing period(ic) posts on Facebook - I haven't managed to do any yet. I have found it strangely weird telling people who are not necessarily close friends. I know loads of people, partly because my job in the community has brought me into contact with so many people over the years. And I'm a naturally very friendly person! But just dropping the breast cancer diagnosis into conversation is peculiarly awkward , even though I'm happy to talk about it and am not especially private. Strange strange times

Anything like this shows you how weird people are! They will literally run to the opposite side of the road, rather than mention the Cancer word! It even happened when I had a baby. Two friends vanished off the face of the planet. Some people just can't handle it. I'm really glad to hear you're well into your treatment and hope it goes well.

@WhatLiesAhead

Also doing period(ic) posts on Facebook - I haven't managed to do any yet. I have found it strangely weird telling people who are not necessarily close friends. I know loads of people, partly because my job in the community has brought me into contact with so many people over the years. And I'm a naturally very friendly person! But just dropping the breast cancer diagnosis into conversation is peculiarly awkward , even though I'm happy to talk about it and am not especially private. Strange strange times

I wrote mine with humour but also fact. It just made things easier. If anybody had questions then I answered. I am quite good at writing believe it or not! 🤣. I tried to always be factual and informative and I specifically labelled my posts. I won't say how because it would be outing although other Mumsnetters I am close to in RL will know anyway. None of it was for public consumption but it really took the pressure off me. Being open and honest and clear worked really well. OP, If you need a knowing friend, please pm, I'm happy to chat.