How to deal with my disappointment over friend while I have cancer?

[WhatLiesAhead]

I've rewritten this thread several times as I just sounded petulant. I also sounded like a child saying he did that and he didn't do that blah blah

So for anyone who has had cancer or similar serious health issue, and has felt really let down by someone you thought of as a good friend, how did you deal with it?
I appreciate I'm maybe rather sensitive atm. I've also got a lot of time on my hands to worry. But it's really really bugging me how this friend has just been so lacking.
And I understand people can't deal with it, don't know what to say etc etc, but we had a really close friendship and I thought they'd be much more emotionally literate. I'm very open, I've not shied away from talking or people. I've made it very clear I want company, either physically or via messages. But this friend is just sending occasional very superficial messages.

How do I move on from this bugging me? Do I tell them (and risk a row) - they live a long way away so it wouldn't be face to face. Or do I just suck it up? Can a friendship be the same after one feels really let down by the other?

This is just one friend. I am surrounded by many many people who have been simply amazing. Which makes me even more annoyed at myself for wasting energy being annoyed at them!

Any insights would be gratefully received.

Oh dear, I fear I'm a little bit like your friend so please let me explain my side.

If any of my friends rang and said I could you do this or that I'd do it in a heartbeat. And I always offer to do things or help if I can.

I have a good friend whose partner had cancer. They were always saying that they wanted people to come round. But whenever I went, they always had tons of visitors and I felt like I was intruding really. I can chat along with anyone but I don't really see how anyone would be interested in my company. I always offered to do things but they used to turn me down, always very nicely though. I felt I always missed the mark or said the wrong thing. I'd go over in my mind how I shouldn't have said this or I should have phrased it like that. And I always felt superfluous to requirements.

In retrospect I think I let them both down massively. As I've said, they had tons of friends so it wasn't like they were lonely or anything, but I feel I did everything wrong. It upsets me so much to think back.

Also they did say they loved company but I felt I didn't want to hanging round all the time. But maybe I should have hung round more. She has since said, very nicely because she's a lovely person, some people were better at handling things than others.

Maybe you could ring your friend and actually have a chat and not chastise or anything but just say you have so much time on your hands and you always love to hear from them. Maybe you even have to be the one to always initiate contact because I always hated to ring my friend in case it was untimely. If they rebuff you then I guess you know they don't want to be involved with you.

I know I sound like a totally awful person and I'd give anything to go back and do it differently, but I'm just not sure it would be different because my lack of confidence in that situation would probably still be the same. And I never didn't go because I felt I couldn't talk to them about the cancer, it was never the illness that was the problem. It was my lack of confidence in anyone wanting to spend time with me that was the problem. It's so very hard to explain really because I'm very at ease in social situations. But I felt I was no match for all their friends.

Oh and another thing, I used to send very light texts to my friend (who didn't have cancer, it was her husband who did) because I wanted to let her know I was thinking if her but I didn't want to keep mentioning the cancer in case it brought her down or in case, gorbince, she wasn't thinking about it. But I don't know if it wax the right thing to do or not now. Anyway I would say if your friend has been a good friend, give them a chance to improve and let them know in a subtle way how you'd like them to improve.

@moonbedazzled

Oh dear, I fear I'm a little bit like your friend so please let me explain my side.

If any of my friends rang and said I could you do this or that I'd do it in a heartbeat. And I always offer to do things or help if I can.

I have a good friend whose partner had cancer. They were always saying that they wanted people to come round. But whenever I went, they always had tons of visitors and I felt like I was intruding really. I can chat along with anyone but I don't really see how anyone would be interested in my company. I always offered to do things but they used to turn me down, always very nicely though. I felt I always missed the mark or said the wrong thing. I'd go over in my mind how I shouldn't have said this or I should have phrased it like that. And I always felt superfluous to requirements.

In retrospect I think I let them both down massively. As I've said, they had tons of friends so it wasn't like they were lonely or anything, but I feel I did everything wrong. It upsets me so much to think back.

Also they did say they loved company but I felt I didn't want to hanging round all the time. But maybe I should have hung round more. She has since said, very nicely because she's a lovely person, some people were better at handling things than others.

Maybe you could ring your friend and actually have a chat and not chastise or anything but just say you have so much time on your hands and you always love to hear from them. Maybe you even have to be the one to always initiate contact because I always hated to ring my friend in case it was untimely. If they rebuff you then I guess you know they don't want to be involved with you.

I know I sound like a totally awful person and I'd give anything to go back and do it differently, but I'm just not sure it would be different because my lack of confidence in that situation would probably still be the same. And I never didn't go because I felt I couldn't talk to them about the cancer, it was never the illness that was the problem. It was my lack of confidence in anyone wanting to spend time with me that was the problem. It's so very hard to explain really because I'm very at ease in social situations. But I felt I was no match for all their friends.

Oh and another thing, I used to send very light texts to my friend (who didn't have cancer, it was her husband who did) because I wanted to let her know I was thinking if her but I didn't want to keep mentioning the cancer in case it brought her down or in case, gorbince, she wasn't thinking about it. But I don't know if it wax the right thing to do or not now. Anyway I would say if your friend has been a good friend, give them a chance to improve and let them know in a subtle way how you'd like them to improve.

I think you need to be kinder to yourself here, you did what you could and that's absolutely fine. Please don't beat yourself up about how you "think" you should have been. Give yourself a break

moonbedazzled absolutely don't beat yourself up. Reading your post you definitely did all the things you could and were a good friend.

Tbh I know people can struggle with how to be. Really I was asking also how I could deal with it without getting really wound up. In truth, I don't want this friend to not be a friend. I just want them to know they can be open with me.
I want them to ask if I'm scared. If it hurts. How horrid was xyz test. I want to offload on them. Sadly I don't think they have the strength for those conversations. As I said before I've always been the stronger one.

So really I know they care. I'll continue to have the deeper conversations with someone else (there are a handful of complete wonders around me) and just remember that my other friend is probably trying to protect their own state of mind.

OP

Not a serious illness so doesn’t compare to cancer, but when I was pregnant I was very sick (housebound at times). I was so so lonely, anxious & low. The only person who bothered to contact me with any regularity was my mum.

On another occasion I was in an accident, serious enough to go to hospital but thankfully I was fine long term. Most of my “good” friends didn’t bother to get in touch.
Meanwhile, a fairly new friend sent flowers. I was so touched. She is now a “good” friend.

It hurts op

Wishing you all the best

GingerBreadTeddy yes it is hurtful isn't it. But like so many things in life why do we focus so much on the handful of negatives when there may be a load of positives.

I've been amazed at some people, the cakes/flowers left in the doorstep, the messages (and to my husband). One of the loveliest was to my teenage son from his best mate from primary school. I'm in occasional touch with his mum but the boys had drifted apart. As soon as he found out he sent the most amazing message to my ds, offering support and saying I'd been like a 2nd mum to him when they were young. What a boy 💕

What I've learned in life is that some people make wonderful companions when all is well, but the worse selfish twats when things go wrong. Others might not always be the most fun, present, exciting friends when all is well, but will be there to support you, not matter what when things go wrong.

You often don't find out who are the twats and who are the great friends until you go through a crisis. It's painful to go through this disappointment when it is someone you've considered a very close friend for quite some time.

People like this rarely change, so it's best to either forget about them, or relay them to a much lower stand on the friendship level, leave them to be people you enjoy to spend some time with when it suits, but nothing more.

I hope you do have other people who have shown their love and care for you, maybe a friend you would never have thought to be there for you. I wish you all the luck with your battle.