Can GP help with stress. Living with autistic son

[Joesmum1981]

I am at my wits end. I have a son with autism who has had quite violent behaviour - just to me. He has repetitive thoughts, well things he can’t move on from and he wants to talk about them all day. How he was badly treated in his eyes. It’s all inaccurate but I try and empathise because otherwise things can escalate.

But I have got to the point where I can’t deal wit what he is saying. He is so self absorbed (probably due to the Autism) that you can’t have a rational argument with him. He just gets angry unless you agree with him. I don’t think i am depressed. But I think i am stressed to the point of snapping and walking out. - bit of course I can’t and won’t. I have younger children who I have to keep safe.

Is there any point in going to the GP. Can they help at all. I am involved in some asd type groups but the children there are so different with their issues that I feel quite alone.

I find the only way to treat billigerent people who take umbrage if you disagree with them is to simply agree with everything they say. Is he a teenager? They are the worst for this I think.

I'm not sure what the GP can give you for stress - your stress is caused by your son being difficult so i don't think the GP can change that.

Where is his father? Could you do share care 50/50 to give yourself a break?

Seek a CAHMS referral for your son through the GP?
Your GP can refer you to help for your own health, things like meds and cognitive behavioural therapy.

I think it may still be worth speaking to your GP as some antidepressants also help with anxiety and irritability or they may be able to give you medication that you can use Infrequently when you’re really struggling, to help you remain calm. Another option may be to ask to be referred to counselling/psychology to help you look at coping strategies. Good luck, sounds very difficult for you.

How old is he?

I don’t have any personal experience, but I’d say it’s definitely worth speaking with your GP.

My best friend, who’s never had any mental health issues, ended up being prescribed medication for anxiety. She wasn’t depressed, but things had been particularly tough with her pre-school son. A few weeks later, he was diagnosed with autism.

Thank you all for your valuable comments. He is nearly 18. He was diagnosed with autism by Camhs when he started secondary school. THey have not ever done any therapeutic work with him But they have got him on medication to curb his aggression.

It’s difficult to describe how burnt out i am with dealing with him. He just goes on and on about how unfair stuff is. I usually try and be a bit grey rock and just make non committal comments - but after hours each day of it, especially during lockdown it has got overwhelming. I just want to tell him to stop talking rubbish. But that would be dangerous.

My husband feels the same as me. We both have times that we can deal with it less well than others. My husband is already on ADs so I guess I am worried about speaking to GP in case they think we are not coping and we do also have younger teenage twins - who I ensure are affected as little as possible

I have spoken to Camhs and basically they just say he is like this as he is bored and to try and get him to focus on something else. HE is only doing a two day week st college so that is 5 days of him ranting. It can’t be good for him either.

If I go to the loo he will come and stand outside and rant at me through the door. It’s torture. I find it so stressful listening but i am constantly worried he will get aggressive so it is a balancing act how I reply. And I don’t know how long I can keep my sanity.

Oh OP, that sounds so difficult. Yes, I would speak to your GP. This is a mental health issue and GPs are very experienced in this area. There will be local services that you can be referred to. All the best.

Get Medication for your son to manage his repetitive negative thoughts and anxiety

Sorry just read the second post. Ask for a medication review as he is clearly agitated.

Approach his social worker/LA and college and ask them for help. What can they provide?

I’ve done two medication reviews by phone with Camhs this year. One was because I knew there was a trigger point coming up and it was agreeed to up his meds. We got through that and so on the most recent one it was agreed to go back to original dose. Meds make him gain weight so it’s a balance. He talks to autism person in college - reluctantly. He is cross that he has to have extra support. He is a model student in college though.

I think I am worried too because once he turns 18 then calms and meds will stop and I don’t know he would meet criteria for adult services.

The GP has never had any dealings with him. And the one time I went because I was black and blue, the GP was so irked like I was an inconvenience. I think if I had said my husband had done that I would have got far more support and practical help. I say GP but it’s always someone different we see.

I don’t want to go again and be made to feel a nuisance if there is nothing they can do. I think I have been level depressed since he was born. But st the moment I feel extremely stressed like I am going to explode and I don’t know what a GP can do to help with that. Especially given we keep getting texts from them saying only to get in touch for appointments about urgent issues.

• low level depressed

Op, now that he is nearly an adult, can you look into any kind of supported accommodation for him? You both might be happier? Even just a few days respite could give you the break you need. I have some experience and it is so hard, you love them but just not being with them which in turns brings about feelings of guilt etc.

Here adult services are actually better than children's services. Start rattling cages.

I sympathise OP. I have a relative (also with autism) who presents exactly like this: just won’t stop going on and on and on about injustices, some years old.

It’s exhausting and grinds you down. Luckily not violent though so that’s awful. I’m sorry that I have no useful advice but I really sympathise with how difficult this must be.

@Meltinthemiddle I'm autistic and my mum describes me as "a dog with a bone"
We feel compelled to get every fact of a situation out, i know it's mentally draining as i have 2 autistic daughters and they go on and on about random shite.
Toilet situation do you say "(insert name) i should be allowed to have a wee without you disturbing me"

Yes ring your gp. Tell him/her what you’ve been going through and how you feel

Please talk to your GP OP - you sound desperate and reading your post I'm not surprised - having someone rant at you constantly with no escape is enough to make anyone feel depressed.

In addition, as your DS is approaching 18 you need to get the ball rolling for him to be switched over to adult services. What is the plan for him once he leaves college? You need help with this stuff and to make sure that neither he, nor you, drops off the radar once he's no longer a DC.

I understand how crushing it is to be knocked back by the GP when you asked for help before - unfortunately some GPs are shit with MH and complex situations involving people with additional needs, so if that one wasn't at all helpful it's asking the receptionists whether there is a GP at the practice who is best placed to offer you advice and support. You might also want to reach out to The National Autistic Society and Ambitious About Autism as they have helplines where you may be able to get help. Please don't suffer in silence OP. Here are some links that might be helpful:

www.autism.org.uk/
www.ambitiousaboutautism.org.uk/
resourcesforautism.org.uk/
www.nhs.uk/conditions/autism/support/

He's leaving you 'black and blue' and harassing you in your own home. He's nearly 18, he's presumably significantly larger than you and he's abusing you. That is really really dangerous. You are worried about you being seen not to cope if you're both on ADs - but honestly, that will be fine. It's far more concerning that your twins are living in an environment where their big brother is beating up their mum.

I think you need to go back to your GP, CAMHS and/or adult mental health services (my autistic dc is younger than yours so I don't know how that works) and be very clear with specific examples of what is going on. As you can see from the PPs here, if you finish by talking about him following you to the loo, people remember that instead of the fact he's is violent to you.

If he really can't leave you be, he shouldn't be in the house, better off for everyone if they can help you help him than have him needing separate sheltered accommodation, or ending up somewhere unsuitable and likely in lot of trouble, or worst of all, hurting you in a way that you can't come back from.

This a terribly sad and complicated situation and the stress must be overwhelming (younger DC with ASD here).

I am going to echo what OverTheRubicon says. I really think you need to start making plans for your son to have some kind of supported living as your current situation really isn't sustainable. Perhaps you do need ADs, but ultimately, your son needs you healthy so you can give him ongoing support.

If you start making plans now, you won't have to react in an emergency situation when it's harder to make good choices and options might be more limited.

Also, change GP, or at least identify a named Dr in your surgery and make them help, ring NAS, chase CAMHS... I know it needs a lot of energy to do this at a time when you must be completely depleted.

I had to put my mental and physical health before everything else and wish I had done it earlier. I am so sorry you are experiencing this.

Your post really resonates with me as I have a 13yr old ASD teenager who is utterly unbearable some days and I already feel like walking out. I dread the thought of him getting worse or being at home more as he gets older. Thankfully he is in school and I work but I think a year of lockdown and us all being at home has made me feel worse so I have total sympathy for you OP. Its the worst feeling to have this despair towards your own child.
I think when your son turns 18 he will be referred/transferred to adult MH services from camhs so his support and medication won't stop. Ask them when this will happen or if it will pass to GP to over see the meds.
As for yourself, don't worry that the GP will think you are not coping, that won't happen at all. You do need to look after your own MH, as do all parents with SEN kids. Whether thats finding time for yourself or going to the GP it doesn't matter, if you are struggling you need to ask for help and flag this up.
Can your son consider other things to do in his days off from college?
Its so hard though with limited options. I think I could be writing your post in a few years time. Does he have friends? Is there a voluntary work service near you? What are his plans for after college?

And seriously, PPS, why all the posts without a single one that references violence? If a woman came on here and started by saying 'My autistic husband is violent to me' and then used the words 'black and blue', would you really be giving her tips on setting boundaries about talking to her while she's on the loo?!?!

Son to mother domestic violence is second only to male to female partner domestic violence, but it's often not taken seriously. As women get older, and their ageing but unable-to-live-alone sons get larger it gets worse, and a significant number of women over 65 who are killed in domestic violence incidents are killed by their sons. Of course, that is fortunately still a rare number and this is not to say anything of the kind would ever happen to the OP, but it's something to treat very seriously and nip in the bud early. As a parent of an autistic dc who is younger than OPs but who can be quite violent, and an autistic ex who was never violent but whose meltdowns, relentless negativity and need for control unfortunately did become abusive (while appreciating that the vast majority of autistic people, like the majority of NT people, are not abusive), I feel a lot of sympathy for you OP, this is a horrible situation.

Son to mother domestic violence is second only to male to female partner domestic violence

I didn't know that OverTheRubicon and am so angry that this is ignored... but have witnessed it and also abuse from an autistic man to his elderly father.

It is completely unacceptable and I am so angry that the OP's GP made her feel like she was wasting her time.

I am so sorry if I have made it sound worse than it is. It was a few years ago that I went to the GP because i was black and blue. My son was going through puberty and it's thought that can often trigger aggression. It was pretty relentless back then And there's no doubt that if my husband had done that to me I would have walked out for good. Over the last few years, the violence has reduced a lot, but we've occasionally relaxed our guard and been caught out. It wasn't so bad pre covid as we could go out, stay at friends, etc, and he had activities to do that kept him more or less occupied. It's been this last year with Covid where we haven't been able to go anywhere that I have felt so claustrophobic. I know a lot of is with my son is due to anxiety, but it's got to the stage that I just can't bear it at all.

I will speak to the GP but I don't know how supported living would work - who would pay? We couldn't send him away at 18, he would be distraught. I know it sounds like he is awful, but he can be incredibly kind to his grandparents for example, spending hours talking to them on the phone during lockdown. He has learning difficulties as well so is unlikely ever to get a job that would enable him to support himself. He's always seemed to be someone who doesn't fit into any clear path. He went to mainstream school, because he didn't meet the criteria for special, but school caused a lot of his stress.

It's just the relentless obsessing about past events that has broken me I think. He wakes me in the night to talk about them, and if I don't go and sit with him he would wake up everything else, and the twins need their sleep!! There are no sanctions I can use - he doesn't go out, and his hobby/passion is cancelled due to Covid.

Yes your Gp can help. Also contact their carers' lead for a referral and help.

Supported living is through a social work referral. You need to call and ask for a social work assessment for your son. You are also entitled to a carers assessment to see what support you need. The local authority/council provide and fund this.